u/Rough-Spot-2944

I wanted to talk about how hard I find it to make friends in choirs and seek advice. What social missteps have people in your choir made? This might not be the right forum for this discussion; in which case please remove post.

I am a genuinely friendly and bubbly lady and never judge anyone or behave like a diva. I have a grand total of 3 close friends (as in we hang out outside choir stuff) to show for after almost 30 years of being in choirs. I just don't seem to fit in - particularly, it has to be said, with my fellow sopranos. 

I’m probably autistic which won’t help, although the most popular most gossipy soprano in one of my choirs has severe ADHD so it’s not about ableism. 

Will fully admit that I'm quite physically clumsy and not the most elegant of humans, but I am very self-aware and I do rate my conversational skills - outside of choir I have tons and tons of friends. I also have a serious boyfriend outside of choir so I'm not a "threat" to choir romances. I do have a big singing voice (and occasionally do professional work) yet so do other people, and they do not face the same challenges.

At college 25 years ago, I went to collect something from the conductor and everyone else from that choir was sat there having a movie night I wasn't invited to. This seems to be a recurring theme. These days, I will have what I think are really decent chats with choir folk, then they will blank me the week after. It took me 10 minutes to find a seat in a recent practice as everyone was saving a seat for a friend. I watch from the sidelines as newbies get invited to the post-practice social within weeks of joining. I wish I had better connections after years of being a committed, reliable member who has no ego or agenda.

I'm not angry or self-pitying, I want to be better and do better! If it sounds like I'm trying too hard, in the end it's the opposite because I give up and go quiet until I find the courage to start anew. I would like to hear thoughts about what I can do to improve my chances of making friends, as I spend most of my life outside my day job doing choir things.

The premise that Roddy can’t POSSIBLY have a girlfriend, never mind an attractive one, is essential to the plot of the last series of Slow Horses. “Roddy’s not anyone’s type”, “Better to be in jail than dating Roddy Ho” etc. This got to me more than it should have.

Truly feel a bit sorry for Roddy - yeah yeah he’s just a character and a very annoying one at that but still! See I was that loser kid at high school (I even look slightly like a female Roddy!) where I was ugly and cringe and unfunny. I'm not saying I'm anything like Roddy, but I had the AUDACITY to ask out a guy in my year when I was about 15 despite being a billy-no-mates who people bullied, laughed at, disliked or all of the above. The next day the entire year was laughing at me because the very IDEA that I’d even get a date was risible!

I’ve worked on myself since and I’m in a healthy happy stable relationship, at heart I’m still that awkward kid though and this whole series was kinda hard to watch because of how Roddy was portrayed as too intolerable to get a sniff of a date, let alone a girlfriend. 

I know this is about incels and I’m sure the ackchyually crowd will tell me I totally missed the point here but there’s someone out there for everyone, even Roddy right?!?

Do you still think about & talk about bullying that still hurts from years ago, & imagine over and over again what you’d say to them now? 10 years of therapy has helped, it’s just that the other night my partner mentioned I talk about it quite a lot. Like not in a mean way, it’s gonna come up when we’ve spoken every day for the past 1000+ days!

As the awkward kid 30 years ago I got bullied at school (verbal abuse) & that’s okay, kids are mean blah blah…it was when it spilled into working adult life too with mean bosses that I thought urgh I’m just so bully-able & I felt like a total mug. The last time I got properly bullied at work was 15 years ago, it was in many ways the worst as it confirmed all the mean things the kids at school said. I’ve no common sense, I’m slow on the uptake, the idea that I get a job was laughable blah blah. 

Plus side it’s motivated me to get quite senior at work, to prove to myself I ain’t the useless bumbling ding-dong people made me out to be. So I’m this super benevolent well-liked boss (because, you know, people pleaser) & overall pretty happy with life. I wish I didn’t have this hanging over me. 

How can I forget, or if not forget stop thinking about it & talking about it so damn much to the point where I might be alienating those close to me?

Well I have a big-time singing hobby that is my Aspergirl obsession. I’m in about 5 different groups that perform in cool venues. It’s the one place where no-one will find you weird if you go off on one on your special interest.

And yet for all the years I’ve been singing in choirs, I just can’t fit in. When I was a student, I went round to the conductor’s room to collect something and they were all there having a movie night that I wasn’t invited to.

Almost 3 decades and about 15 choirs later, I have only 3 people I would describe as “friends” in the sense that we hang out together outside of choir. It’s not for want of trying - I’m a friendly open person with a sunny disposition. But I just sit there on my own during breaks while everyone around me chats. I feel disheartened when a new person joins and within weeks I see them get absorbed into the post-rehearsal pub sesh or weekend picnics which I never get invited to.

I especially find the other women very difficult to speak to, as they have their unspoken social rules for their little consortium. There is one choir in particular where I just end up talking to the men, some of whom insist on hugging me every time the choir meets - which then makes me look like a t@rt and probably makes the women even more wary of me.

Anyone else struggle to fit into groups that cater to their hobbies and interests?