[RF] The Woman on the Bank

The first time Carter saw the woman, she was standing ankle-deep in mud at the edge of the river.

They passed her just after dusk, running north through water the color of old coffee. The PBR's engines shoved a white wake against the mangroves.

She wore a pale blouse and dark trousers. Bare feet. Black hair loose over one shoulder.

“Friendly-looking,” Harlan said from the stern.

Velez laughed. “Go ask for her number.”

“My type has shoes.”

Danny watched her from the forward gun mount until the bend took her out of sight. A strip of red cloth was knotted around his left wrist, some cheap thing he'd come back from Saigon with and wouldn't explain.

Carter checked the channel, the gauges, then his men without thinking.

Danny at the bow. Velez portside. Harlan aft.

He'd been doing it for months. Count your men. Check your fuel. Watch the banks. Then do it again.

Something about the woman bothered him.

She hadn't watched the boat.

She had watched him.

Behind Carter's seat, the transistor radio whispered through static. They'd found Hanoi Hannah twenty minutes earlier and left her on because Harlan liked answering her.

Her English came calm and careful through the hiss.

“How are you, GI Joe?”

Harlan leaned toward the radio. “Doing just fine, Hannah. Thanks for asking.”

Velez laughed.

She continued, telling American soldiers they were poorly informed about how the war was going, sent thousands of miles from home by men who lied to them.

“See, that's where you're wrong,” Harlan said. “I don't understand shit back home either.”

Carter smiled.

Hannah started talking about American casualties when the signal dragged sideways. Her voice thinned until it hardly sounded human.

Then:

“...the river remembers...”

Static cracked.

Her ordinary broadcast returned without missing a beat.

Harlan frowned. “Well. That's cheerful.”

Carter looked at the radio.

“You hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“The river.”

Velez stared at him. “What river?”

Danny was still looking back toward the bend.

They saw the woman again twenty-three minutes later.

Carter knew because he'd checked his watch the first time.

Several miles upriver.

Same blouse. Same trousers. Same hair.

She stood on the western bank with her feet sunk in black mud.

Harlan's grin disappeared.

“Oh.”

Danny turned from the gun but wouldn't look at her.

“Keep going.”

“You know her?” Carter asked.

“No.”

Danny rubbed his thumb over the cloth around his wrist.

“Old guy in Mỹ Tho told me about women you see where you're not supposed to see them. Hồ tinh, I think. Fox spirits.”

“Something that looks like a woman?”

“They get you to follow them.”

Harlan leaned against the rail. “Still waiting on the bad part.”

The woman raised one arm and crooked two fingers toward herself.

Carter shoved the throttles forward.

As they passed, the setting sun threw her shadow across the water.

There was something behind it.

Long. Narrow.

The wake shattered the shape.

Carter looked back.

The woman had lowered her hand.

She wasn't watching him anymore.

She was staring into the river beside the boat.

The radio popped.

“...some men travel farther than others...”

Static stretched Hannah's voice.

“...some do not leave at all...”

Then she was discussing American losses again.

Danny turned the volume down.

Darkness closed around them.

Carter rubbed his eyes and tried to remember when he'd last slept. He came up with a cot beneath a ceiling fan, but couldn't decide whether that had been two nights ago or before Saigon.

He checked the fuel.

They had enough.

The problem was he couldn't remember refueling.

“Smoke?” he asked.

Harlan patted his pockets. “You got the pack.”

Carter found the Lucky Strikes beside his knee, lit one and held the pack behind him.

Nobody took it.

When he turned, Harlan already had a cigarette between his lips.

“You take one?”

Harlan looked confused. “What?”

“Never mind.”

At the bow, Velez cleaned beneath his thumbnail with the tip of a cartridge, a habit he'd had since Da Nang.

Danny shifted beside the gun.

His sleeve brushed the metal and left a dark handprint.

“Danny.”

“What?”

“Your arm.”

His sleeve was wet from cuff to elbow.

“Spray.”

They hadn't taken spray over the bow in ten minutes.

Carter looked at the red cloth around Danny's wrist.

In the darkness it looked almost brown.

Danny pulled his sleeve over it.

“Watch the river.”

The radio came alive.

Nobody touched it.

Carter turned.

He remembered switching it off.

Hannah's voice surfaced through static.

American boys—

Hiss.

—no one waiting—

Then, softly:

“...four men...”

Carter froze.

“...but the river counts differently...”

The signal vanished.

Carter snapped the radio off.

“Leave it,” Danny said.

His face had gone pale.

The woman returned before midnight.

This time she was walking.

The PBR was moving close to twenty knots, but she kept pace along the bank without running.

A tree slid between them.

She appeared on the other side.

Another tree.

There again.

“Jesus Christ,” Harlan whispered.

Danny climbed down from the gun.

“She wants you off the boat.”

Carter stared at her. “How is she doing that?”

“Doesn't matter.”

The woman stopped.

Carter turned to keep her in sight.

Danny grabbed his shoulder.

“Don't.”

His hand was ice cold.

Water ran from his fingers and struck the deck.

Danny stared at the drops.

“Stay with us.”

Something tightened behind Carter's eyes.

He had heard that before.

An engine.

Gunfire.

Someone shouting.

Then it was gone.

Behind him, Harlan said, “We don't leave our men.”

Carter turned.

“What'd you say?”

Harlan blinked. “Nothing.”

Something struck the hull.

Then again.

Carter leaned over the side.

A face rolled beneath the black water.

White eyes. Open mouth. Hair drifting like weeds.

“There’s somebody in the water.”

No one moved.

Danny stared at Carter.

“Don't look again.”

From shore, the woman called:

“Hey.”

One word, somehow clear over both engines.

Behind her, a narrow path disappeared into the trees.

She pointed toward it.

Carter pulled the throttles back.

Danny stepped forward.

“No.”

“I just want to see what she wants.”

“No, you don't.”

There was panic in Danny's voice now.

Not fear of the woman.

Fear of Carter stopping.

Harlan and Velez stood.

“We don't leave our men,” Harlan said.

Carter looked at Danny.

Black mud covered the cuff of his trousers.

“Danny?”

The radio hissed.

Still switched off.

Through the static Hannah whispered:

“...you went back...”

Carter stopped breathing.

The broadcast returned for a few seconds, then broke again.

“...when the river took one...”

Danny stepped toward him.

“Carter.”

The radio crackled.

“...they told you to keep moving...”

And the night split open.

Danny went over on a hard bend.

Carter remembered the flash of red cloth first.

Danny's hip hit the rail. His hands lost the gun mount.

Then he was gone.

“Man overboard!”

Danny surfaced in the wake, one arm raised.

Alive.

Muzzle flashes punched through the trees.

Harlan opened fire.

“Go!” he screamed. “Go, go, go!”

Danny disappeared behind them.

Carter looked at the channel ahead.

Then back.

Danny surfaced again.

His hand came up.

“We don't leave our men.”

Carter spun the wheel.

The PBR came around hard.

Harlan screamed at him to keep moving, but Danny was twenty yards away.

Ten.

Five.

His hand struck the hull.

Harlan leaned over the side.

“Got you!”

Danny reached up.

Their hands met.

Something heavy fired from shore.

White light filled the stern.

Metal screamed.

Carter hit the river.

Cold water swallowed him. Something caught his ankle. Another hand closed around his sleeve.

He kicked free and clawed toward light.

Then morning.

Carter lay in the mud coughing river water.

The PBR had lodged against roots offshore, stern burned black, railing torn away.

Nobody moved.

“Danny?”

Nothing.

“Harlan!”

A woman stood a few yards away.

Pale blouse. Dark trousers. Bare feet in the mud.

She held out one hand.

Behind Carter, Harlan shouted from the boat.

“Carter!”

He turned.

Harlan stood on deck, whole.

Velez beside him.

Danny too, red cloth bright around his wrist.

“Come on,” Danny called.

The woman shook her head.

Harlan shouted again.

“We don't leave our men!”

Carter pulled away from her hand.

And walked back into the river.

The memory released him.

Carter stood at the controls.

Alone.

Black scorch marks covered the stern. Half the railing was missing. Brown stains crossed the deck.

Harlan's seat was empty.

Velez's gun sagged on its mount, furred with rust.

The cartridge he'd been cleaning his nail with lay beside Carter's boot, green with corrosion.

“No.”

The radio whispered.

Static.

Then Hannah.

“...you know who stayed.”

Something scraped the hull.

Carter looked down.

Pale fingers curled over the side.

A swollen head rose from the water. River weed covered half its face. One eye was milk-white.

The other looked directly at him.

A small scar crossed the eyebrow.

Danny had gotten that scar from a bottle in Subic and spent two weeks claiming three Marines had jumped him.

“Danny.”

The corpse opened its mouth.

Water poured out.

A strip of red cloth floated from its wrist.

Carter stepped toward it.

You went back for him once.

Of course you would again.

“Carter.”

Harlan stood behind him.

All three were back.

Harlan by the stern. Velez against the gunwale. Danny beside the forward gun.

Clean uniforms.

Dry hair.

Exactly as Carter remembered them.

Danny took a step closer.

“Don't leave me.”

Outside the boat, wet nails scraped against metal.

Carter looked from the dry Danny to the dead one climbing aboard.

Velez rolled an unfired cartridge between his fingers.

“You made the turn.”

Carter's eyes burned.

“I know.”

Harlan looked toward shore.

“You came back for Danny.”

His expression softened.

“You gonna leave us now?”

The woman had moved into the shallows.

Ankle-deep.

No farther.

Her hand was out.

Moonlight stretched her shadow across the mud, and behind the human shape something long and narrow curved through the reeds.

A tail.

Carter looked at Danny's corpse climbing aboard.

Then at the woman.

He stepped over the side.

Water closed around his boots.

Danny screamed his name.

Carter kept walking.

Something caught his trouser leg. He kicked free.

Harlan cursed him.

Danny begged.

Then Velez called after him.

Just once.

“Boss.”

Carter stopped.

Count your men. Check your fuel. Watch the banks.

Do it again.

He nearly turned.

Instead, he took another step.

Then another.

The water fell below his knees, then his ankles.

He reached the bank.

The woman lowered her hand.

Carter looked back.

The ruined PBR sat empty in the current.

One pale hand still clung to its side.

A strip of red cloth circled the wrist.

The fingers loosened and slipped beneath the water.

When Carter turned again, the woman was gone.

Behind him, the river kept moving.

Carter did not look back again.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 23 hours ago

The Woman on the Bank

The first time Carter saw the woman, she was standing ankle-deep in mud at the edge of the river.

They passed her just after dusk, running north through water the color of old coffee. The PBR's engines shoved a white wake against the mangroves.

She wore a pale blouse and dark trousers. Bare feet. Black hair loose over one shoulder.

“Friendly-looking,” Harlan said from the stern.

Velez laughed. “Go ask for her number.”

“My type has shoes.”

Danny watched her from the forward gun mount until the bend took her out of sight. A strip of red cloth was knotted around his left wrist, some cheap thing he'd come back from Saigon with and wouldn't explain.

Carter checked the channel, the gauges, then his men without thinking.

Danny at the bow. Velez portside. Harlan aft.

He'd been doing it for months. Count your men. Check your fuel. Watch the banks. Then do it again.

Something about the woman bothered him.

She hadn't watched the boat.

She had watched him.

Behind Carter's seat, the transistor radio whispered through static. They'd found Hanoi Hannah twenty minutes earlier and left her on because Harlan liked answering her.

Her English came calm and careful through the hiss.

“How are you, GI Joe?”

Harlan leaned toward the radio. “Doing just fine, Hannah. Thanks for asking.”

Velez laughed.

She continued, telling American soldiers they were poorly informed about how the war was going, sent thousands of miles from home by men who lied to them.

“See, that's where you're wrong,” Harlan said. “I don't understand shit back home either.”

Carter smiled.

Hannah started talking about American casualties when the signal dragged sideways. Her voice thinned until it hardly sounded human.

Then:

“...the river remembers...”

Static cracked.

Her ordinary broadcast returned without missing a beat.

Harlan frowned. “Well. That's cheerful.”

Carter looked at the radio.

“You hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“The river.”

Velez stared at him. “What river?”

Danny was still looking back toward the bend.

They saw the woman again twenty-three minutes later.

Carter knew because he'd checked his watch the first time.

Several miles upriver.

Same blouse. Same trousers. Same hair.

She stood on the western bank with her feet sunk in black mud.

Harlan's grin disappeared.

“Oh.”

Danny turned from the gun but wouldn't look at her.

“Keep going.”

“You know her?” Carter asked.

“No.”

Danny rubbed his thumb over the cloth around his wrist.

“Old guy in Mỹ Tho told me about women you see where you're not supposed to see them. Hồ tinh, I think. Fox spirits.”

“Something that looks like a woman?”

“They get you to follow them.”

Harlan leaned against the rail. “Still waiting on the bad part.”

The woman raised one arm and crooked two fingers toward herself.

Carter shoved the throttles forward.

As they passed, the setting sun threw her shadow across the water.

There was something behind it.

Long. Narrow.

The wake shattered the shape.

Carter looked back.

The woman had lowered her hand.

She wasn't watching him anymore.

She was staring into the river beside the boat.

The radio popped.

“...some men travel farther than others...”

Static stretched Hannah's voice.

“...some do not leave at all...”

Then she was discussing American losses again.

Danny turned the volume down.

Darkness closed around them.

Carter rubbed his eyes and tried to remember when he'd last slept. He came up with a cot beneath a ceiling fan, but couldn't decide whether that had been two nights ago or before Saigon.

He checked the fuel.

They had enough.

The problem was he couldn't remember refueling.

“Smoke?” he asked.

Harlan patted his pockets. “You got the pack.”

Carter found the Lucky Strikes beside his knee, lit one and held the pack behind him.

Nobody took it.

When he turned, Harlan already had a cigarette between his lips.

“You take one?”

Harlan looked confused. “What?”

“Never mind.”

At the bow, Velez cleaned beneath his thumbnail with the tip of a cartridge, a habit he'd had since Da Nang.

Danny shifted beside the gun.

His sleeve brushed the metal and left a dark handprint.

“Danny.”

“What?”

“Your arm.”

His sleeve was wet from cuff to elbow.

“Spray.”

They hadn't taken spray over the bow in ten minutes.

Carter looked at the red cloth around Danny's wrist.

In the darkness it looked almost brown.

Danny pulled his sleeve over it.

“Watch the river.”

The radio came alive.

Nobody touched it.

Carter turned.

He remembered switching it off.

Hannah's voice surfaced through static.

American boys—

Hiss.

—no one waiting—

Then, softly:

“...four men...”

Carter froze.

“...but the river counts differently...”

The signal vanished.

Carter snapped the radio off.

“Leave it,” Danny said.

His face had gone pale.

The woman returned before midnight.

This time she was walking.

The PBR was moving close to twenty knots, but she kept pace along the bank without running.

A tree slid between them.

She appeared on the other side.

Another tree.

There again.

“Jesus Christ,” Harlan whispered.

Danny climbed down from the gun.

“She wants you off the boat.”

Carter stared at her. “How is she doing that?”

“Doesn't matter.”

The woman stopped.

Carter turned to keep her in sight.

Danny grabbed his shoulder.

“Don't.”

His hand was ice cold.

Water ran from his fingers and struck the deck.

Danny stared at the drops.

“Stay with us.”

Something tightened behind Carter's eyes.

He had heard that before.

An engine.

Gunfire.

Someone shouting.

Then it was gone.

Behind him, Harlan said, “We don't leave our men.”

Carter turned.

“What'd you say?”

Harlan blinked. “Nothing.”

Something struck the hull.

Then again.

Carter leaned over the side.

A face rolled beneath the black water.

White eyes. Open mouth. Hair drifting like weeds.

“There’s somebody in the water.”

No one moved.

Danny stared at Carter.

“Don't look again.”

From shore, the woman called:

“Hey.”

One word, somehow clear over both engines.

Behind her, a narrow path disappeared into the trees.

She pointed toward it.

Carter pulled the throttles back.

Danny stepped forward.

“No.”

“I just want to see what she wants.”

“No, you don't.”

There was panic in Danny's voice now.

Not fear of the woman.

Fear of Carter stopping.

Harlan and Velez stood.

“We don't leave our men,” Harlan said.

Carter looked at Danny.

Black mud covered the cuff of his trousers.

“Danny?”

The radio hissed.

Still switched off.

Through the static Hannah whispered:

“...you went back...”

Carter stopped breathing.

The broadcast returned for a few seconds, then broke again.

“...when the river took one...”

Danny stepped toward him.

“Carter.”

The radio crackled.

“...they told you to keep moving...”

And the night split open.

Danny went over on a hard bend.

Carter remembered the flash of red cloth first.

Danny's hip hit the rail. His hands lost the gun mount.

Then he was gone.

“Man overboard!”

Danny surfaced in the wake, one arm raised.

Alive.

Muzzle flashes punched through the trees.

Harlan opened fire.

“Go!” he screamed. “Go, go, go!”

Danny disappeared behind them.

Carter looked at the channel ahead.

Then back.

Danny surfaced again.

His hand came up.

“We don't leave our men.”

Carter spun the wheel.

The PBR came around hard.

Harlan screamed at him to keep moving, but Danny was twenty yards away.

Ten.

Five.

His hand struck the hull.

Harlan leaned over the side.

“Got you!”

Danny reached up.

Their hands met.

Something heavy fired from shore.

White light filled the stern.

Metal screamed.

Carter hit the river.

Cold water swallowed him. Something caught his ankle. Another hand closed around his sleeve.

He kicked free and clawed toward light.

Then morning.

Carter lay in the mud coughing river water.

The PBR had lodged against roots offshore, stern burned black, railing torn away.

Nobody moved.

“Danny?”

Nothing.

“Harlan!”

A woman stood a few yards away.

Pale blouse. Dark trousers. Bare feet in the mud.

She held out one hand.

Behind Carter, Harlan shouted from the boat.

“Carter!”

He turned.

Harlan stood on deck, whole.

Velez beside him.

Danny too, red cloth bright around his wrist.

“Come on,” Danny called.

The woman shook her head.

Harlan shouted again.

“We don't leave our men!”

Carter pulled away from her hand.

And walked back into the river.

The memory released him.

Carter stood at the controls.

Alone.

Black scorch marks covered the stern. Half the railing was missing. Brown stains crossed the deck.

Harlan's seat was empty.

Velez's gun sagged on its mount, furred with rust.

The cartridge he'd been cleaning his nail with lay beside Carter's boot, green with corrosion.

“No.”

The radio whispered.

Static.

Then Hannah.

“...you know who stayed.”

Something scraped the hull.

Carter looked down.

Pale fingers curled over the side.

A swollen head rose from the water. River weed covered half its face. One eye was milk-white.

The other looked directly at him.

A small scar crossed the eyebrow.

Danny had gotten that scar from a bottle in Subic and spent two weeks claiming three Marines had jumped him.

“Danny.”

The corpse opened its mouth.

Water poured out.

A strip of red cloth floated from its wrist.

Carter stepped toward it.

You went back for him once.

Of course you would again.

“Carter.”

Harlan stood behind him.

All three were back.

Harlan by the stern. Velez against the gunwale. Danny beside the forward gun.

Clean uniforms.

Dry hair.

Exactly as Carter remembered them.

Danny took a step closer.

“Don't leave me.”

Outside the boat, wet nails scraped against metal.

Carter looked from the dry Danny to the dead one climbing aboard.

Velez rolled an unfired cartridge between his fingers.

“You made the turn.”

Carter's eyes burned.

“I know.”

Harlan looked toward shore.

“You came back for Danny.”

His expression softened.

“You gonna leave us now?”

The woman had moved into the shallows.

Ankle-deep.

No farther.

Her hand was out.

Moonlight stretched her shadow across the mud, and behind the human shape something long and narrow curved through the reeds.

A tail.

Carter looked at Danny's corpse climbing aboard.

Then at the woman.

He stepped over the side.

Water closed around his boots.

Danny screamed his name.

Carter kept walking.

Something caught his trouser leg. He kicked free.

Harlan cursed him.

Danny begged.

Then Velez called after him.

Just once.

“Boss.”

Carter stopped.

Count your men. Check your fuel. Watch the banks.

Do it again.

He nearly turned.

Instead, he took another step.

Then another.

The water fell below his knees, then his ankles.

He reached the bank.

The woman lowered her hand.

Carter looked back.

The ruined PBR sat empty in the current.

One pale hand still clung to its side.

A strip of red cloth circled the wrist.

The fingers loosened and slipped beneath the water.

When Carter turned again, the woman was gone.

Behind him, the river kept moving.

Carter did not look back again.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 23 hours ago

The Woman on the Bank

The first time Carter saw the woman, she was standing ankle-deep in mud at the edge of the river.

They passed her just after dusk, running north through water the color of old coffee. The PBR's engines shoved a white wake against the mangroves.

She wore a pale blouse and dark trousers. Bare feet. Black hair loose over one shoulder.

“Friendly-looking,” Harlan said from the stern.

Velez laughed. “Go ask for her number.”

“My type has shoes.”

Danny watched her from the forward gun mount until the bend took her out of sight. A strip of red cloth was knotted around his left wrist, some cheap thing he'd come back from Saigon with and wouldn't explain.

Carter checked the channel, the gauges, then his men without thinking.

Danny at the bow. Velez portside. Harlan aft.

He'd been doing it for months. Count your men. Check your fuel. Watch the banks. Then do it again.

Something about the woman bothered him.

She hadn't watched the boat.

She had watched him.

Behind Carter's seat, the transistor radio whispered through static. They'd found Hanoi Hannah twenty minutes earlier and left her on because Harlan liked answering her.

Her English came calm and careful through the hiss.

“How are you, GI Joe?”

Harlan leaned toward the radio. “Doing just fine, Hannah. Thanks for asking.”

Velez laughed.

She continued, telling American soldiers they were poorly informed about how the war was going, sent thousands of miles from home by men who lied to them.

“See, that's where you're wrong,” Harlan said. “I don't understand shit back home either.”

Carter smiled.

Hannah started talking about American casualties when the signal dragged sideways. Her voice thinned until it hardly sounded human.

Then:

“...the river remembers...”

Static cracked.

Her ordinary broadcast returned without missing a beat.

Harlan frowned. “Well. That's cheerful.”

Carter looked at the radio.

“You hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“The river.”

Velez stared at him. “What river?”

Danny was still looking back toward the bend.

They saw the woman again twenty-three minutes later.

Carter knew because he'd checked his watch the first time.

Several miles upriver.

Same blouse. Same trousers. Same hair.

She stood on the western bank with her feet sunk in black mud.

Harlan's grin disappeared.

“Oh.”

Danny turned from the gun but wouldn't look at her.

“Keep going.”

“You know her?” Carter asked.

“No.”

Danny rubbed his thumb over the cloth around his wrist.

“Old guy in Mỹ Tho told me about women you see where you're not supposed to see them. Hồ tinh, I think. Fox spirits.”

“Something that looks like a woman?”

“They get you to follow them.”

Harlan leaned against the rail. “Still waiting on the bad part.”

The woman raised one arm and crooked two fingers toward herself.

Carter shoved the throttles forward.

As they passed, the setting sun threw her shadow across the water.

There was something behind it.

Long. Narrow.

The wake shattered the shape.

Carter looked back.

The woman had lowered her hand.

She wasn't watching him anymore.

She was staring into the river beside the boat.

The radio popped.

“...some men travel farther than others...”

Static stretched Hannah's voice.

“...some do not leave at all...”

Then she was discussing American losses again.

Danny turned the volume down.

Darkness closed around them.

Carter rubbed his eyes and tried to remember when he'd last slept. He came up with a cot beneath a ceiling fan, but couldn't decide whether that had been two nights ago or before Saigon.

He checked the fuel.

They had enough.

The problem was he couldn't remember refueling.

“Smoke?” he asked.

Harlan patted his pockets. “You got the pack.”

Carter found the Lucky Strikes beside his knee, lit one and held the pack behind him.

Nobody took it.

When he turned, Harlan already had a cigarette between his lips.

“You take one?”

Harlan looked confused. “What?”

“Never mind.”

At the bow, Velez cleaned beneath his thumbnail with the tip of a cartridge, a habit he'd had since Da Nang.

Danny shifted beside the gun.

His sleeve brushed the metal and left a dark handprint.

“Danny.”

“What?”

“Your arm.”

His sleeve was wet from cuff to elbow.

“Spray.”

They hadn't taken spray over the bow in ten minutes.

Carter looked at the red cloth around Danny's wrist.

In the darkness it looked almost brown.

Danny pulled his sleeve over it.

“Watch the river.”

The radio came alive.

Nobody touched it.

Carter turned.

He remembered switching it off.

Hannah's voice surfaced through static.

American boys—

Hiss.

—no one waiting—

Then, softly:

“...four men...”

Carter froze.

“...but the river counts differently...”

The signal vanished.

Carter snapped the radio off.

“Leave it,” Danny said.

His face had gone pale.

The woman returned before midnight.

This time she was walking.

The PBR was moving close to twenty knots, but she kept pace along the bank without running.

A tree slid between them.

She appeared on the other side.

Another tree.

There again.

“Jesus Christ,” Harlan whispered.

Danny climbed down from the gun.

“She wants you off the boat.”

Carter stared at her. “How is she doing that?”

“Doesn't matter.”

The woman stopped.

Carter turned to keep her in sight.

Danny grabbed his shoulder.

“Don't.”

His hand was ice cold.

Water ran from his fingers and struck the deck.

Danny stared at the drops.

“Stay with us.”

Something tightened behind Carter's eyes.

He had heard that before.

An engine.

Gunfire.

Someone shouting.

Then it was gone.

Behind him, Harlan said, “We don't leave our men.”

Carter turned.

“What'd you say?”

Harlan blinked. “Nothing.”

Something struck the hull.

Then again.

Carter leaned over the side.

A face rolled beneath the black water.

White eyes. Open mouth. Hair drifting like weeds.

“There’s somebody in the water.”

No one moved.

Danny stared at Carter.

“Don't look again.”

From shore, the woman called:

“Hey.”

One word, somehow clear over both engines.

Behind her, a narrow path disappeared into the trees.

She pointed toward it.

Carter pulled the throttles back.

Danny stepped forward.

“No.”

“I just want to see what she wants.”

“No, you don't.”

There was panic in Danny's voice now.

Not fear of the woman.

Fear of Carter stopping.

Harlan and Velez stood.

“We don't leave our men,” Harlan said.

Carter looked at Danny.

Black mud covered the cuff of his trousers.

“Danny?”

The radio hissed.

Still switched off.

Through the static Hannah whispered:

“...you went back...”

Carter stopped breathing.

The broadcast returned for a few seconds, then broke again.

“...when the river took one...”

Danny stepped toward him.

“Carter.”

The radio crackled.

“...they told you to keep moving...”

And the night split open.

Danny went over on a hard bend.

Carter remembered the flash of red cloth first.

Danny's hip hit the rail. His hands lost the gun mount.

Then he was gone.

“Man overboard!”

Danny surfaced in the wake, one arm raised.

Alive.

Muzzle flashes punched through the trees.

Harlan opened fire.

“Go!” he screamed. “Go, go, go!”

Danny disappeared behind them.

Carter looked at the channel ahead.

Then back.

Danny surfaced again.

His hand came up.

“We don't leave our men.”

Carter spun the wheel.

The PBR came around hard.

Harlan screamed at him to keep moving, but Danny was twenty yards away.

Ten.

Five.

His hand struck the hull.

Harlan leaned over the side.

“Got you!”

Danny reached up.

Their hands met.

Something heavy fired from shore.

White light filled the stern.

Metal screamed.

Carter hit the river.

Cold water swallowed him. Something caught his ankle. Another hand closed around his sleeve.

He kicked free and clawed toward light.

Then morning.

Carter lay in the mud coughing river water.

The PBR had lodged against roots offshore, stern burned black, railing torn away.

Nobody moved.

“Danny?”

Nothing.

“Harlan!”

A woman stood a few yards away.

Pale blouse. Dark trousers. Bare feet in the mud.

She held out one hand.

Behind Carter, Harlan shouted from the boat.

“Carter!”

He turned.

Harlan stood on deck, whole.

Velez beside him.

Danny too, red cloth bright around his wrist.

“Come on,” Danny called.

The woman shook her head.

Harlan shouted again.

“We don't leave our men!”

Carter pulled away from her hand.

And walked back into the river.

The memory released him.

Carter stood at the controls.

Alone.

Black scorch marks covered the stern. Half the railing was missing. Brown stains crossed the deck.

Harlan's seat was empty.

Velez's gun sagged on its mount, furred with rust.

The cartridge he'd been cleaning his nail with lay beside Carter's boot, green with corrosion.

“No.”

The radio whispered.

Static.

Then Hannah.

“...you know who stayed.”

Something scraped the hull.

Carter looked down.

Pale fingers curled over the side.

A swollen head rose from the water. River weed covered half its face. One eye was milk-white.

The other looked directly at him.

A small scar crossed the eyebrow.

Danny had gotten that scar from a bottle in Subic and spent two weeks claiming three Marines had jumped him.

“Danny.”

The corpse opened its mouth.

Water poured out.

A strip of red cloth floated from its wrist.

Carter stepped toward it.

You went back for him once.

Of course you would again.

“Carter.”

Harlan stood behind him.

All three were back.

Harlan by the stern. Velez against the gunwale. Danny beside the forward gun.

Clean uniforms.

Dry hair.

Exactly as Carter remembered them.

Danny took a step closer.

“Don't leave me.”

Outside the boat, wet nails scraped against metal.

Carter looked from the dry Danny to the dead one climbing aboard.

Velez rolled an unfired cartridge between his fingers.

“You made the turn.”

Carter's eyes burned.

“I know.”

Harlan looked toward shore.

“You came back for Danny.”

His expression softened.

“You gonna leave us now?”

The woman had moved into the shallows.

Ankle-deep.

No farther.

Her hand was out.

Moonlight stretched her shadow across the mud, and behind the human shape something long and narrow curved through the reeds.

A tail.

Carter looked at Danny's corpse climbing aboard.

Then at the woman.

He stepped over the side.

Water closed around his boots.

Danny screamed his name.

Carter kept walking.

Something caught his trouser leg. He kicked free.

Harlan cursed him.

Danny begged.

Then Velez called after him.

Just once.

“Boss.”

Carter stopped.

Count your men. Check your fuel. Watch the banks.

Do it again.

He nearly turned.

Instead, he took another step.

Then another.

The water fell below his knees, then his ankles.

He reached the bank.

The woman lowered her hand.

Carter looked back.

The ruined PBR sat empty in the current.

One pale hand still clung to its side.

A strip of red cloth circled the wrist.

The fingers loosened and slipped beneath the water.

When Carter turned again, the woman was gone.

Behind him, the river kept moving.

Carter did not look back again.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 23 hours ago

The Woman on the Bank

The first time Carter saw the woman, she was standing ankle-deep in mud at the edge of the river.

They passed her just after dusk, running north through water the color of old coffee. The PBR's engines shoved a white wake against the mangroves.

She wore a pale blouse and dark trousers. Bare feet. Black hair loose over one shoulder.

“Friendly-looking,” Harlan said from the stern.

Velez laughed. “Go ask for her number.”

“My type has shoes.”

Danny watched her from the forward gun mount until the bend took her out of sight. A strip of red cloth was knotted around his left wrist, some cheap thing he'd come back from Saigon with and wouldn't explain.

Carter checked the channel, the gauges, then his men without thinking.

Danny at the bow. Velez portside. Harlan aft.

He'd been doing it for months. Count your men. Check your fuel. Watch the banks. Then do it again.

Something about the woman bothered him.

She hadn't watched the boat.

She had watched him.

Behind Carter's seat, the transistor radio whispered through static. They'd found Hanoi Hannah twenty minutes earlier and left her on because Harlan liked answering her.

Her English came calm and careful through the hiss.

“How are you, GI Joe?”

Harlan leaned toward the radio. “Doing just fine, Hannah. Thanks for asking.”

Velez laughed.

She continued, telling American soldiers they were poorly informed about how the war was going, sent thousands of miles from home by men who lied to them.

“See, that's where you're wrong,” Harlan said. “I don't understand shit back home either.”

Carter smiled.

Hannah started talking about American casualties when the signal dragged sideways. Her voice thinned until it hardly sounded human.

Then:

“...the river remembers...”

Static cracked.

Her ordinary broadcast returned without missing a beat.

Harlan frowned. “Well. That's cheerful.”

Carter looked at the radio.

“You hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“The river.”

Velez stared at him. “What river?”

Danny was still looking back toward the bend.

They saw the woman again twenty-three minutes later.

Carter knew because he'd checked his watch the first time.

Several miles upriver.

Same blouse. Same trousers. Same hair.

She stood on the western bank with her feet sunk in black mud.

Harlan's grin disappeared.

“Oh.”

Danny turned from the gun but wouldn't look at her.

“Keep going.”

“You know her?” Carter asked.

“No.”

Danny rubbed his thumb over the cloth around his wrist.

“Old guy in Mỹ Tho told me about women you see where you're not supposed to see them. Hồ tinh, I think. Fox spirits.”

“Something that looks like a woman?”

“They get you to follow them.”

Harlan leaned against the rail. “Still waiting on the bad part.”

The woman raised one arm and crooked two fingers toward herself.

Carter shoved the throttles forward.

As they passed, the setting sun threw her shadow across the water.

There was something behind it.

Long. Narrow.

The wake shattered the shape.

Carter looked back.

The woman had lowered her hand.

She wasn't watching him anymore.

She was staring into the river beside the boat.

The radio popped.

“...some men travel farther than others...”

Static stretched Hannah's voice.

“...some do not leave at all...”

Then she was discussing American losses again.

Danny turned the volume down.

Darkness closed around them.

Carter rubbed his eyes and tried to remember when he'd last slept. He came up with a cot beneath a ceiling fan, but couldn't decide whether that had been two nights ago or before Saigon.

He checked the fuel.

They had enough.

The problem was he couldn't remember refueling.

“Smoke?” he asked.

Harlan patted his pockets. “You got the pack.”

Carter found the Lucky Strikes beside his knee, lit one and held the pack behind him.

Nobody took it.

When he turned, Harlan already had a cigarette between his lips.

“You take one?”

Harlan looked confused. “What?”

“Never mind.”

At the bow, Velez cleaned beneath his thumbnail with the tip of a cartridge, a habit he'd had since Da Nang.

Danny shifted beside the gun.

His sleeve brushed the metal and left a dark handprint.

“Danny.”

“What?”

“Your arm.”

His sleeve was wet from cuff to elbow.

“Spray.”

They hadn't taken spray over the bow in ten minutes.

Carter looked at the red cloth around Danny's wrist.

In the darkness it looked almost brown.

Danny pulled his sleeve over it.

“Watch the river.”

The radio came alive.

Nobody touched it.

Carter turned.

He remembered switching it off.

Hannah's voice surfaced through static.

American boys—

Hiss.

—no one waiting—

Then, softly:

“...four men...”

Carter froze.

“...but the river counts differently...”

The signal vanished.

Carter snapped the radio off.

“Leave it,” Danny said.

His face had gone pale.

The woman returned before midnight.

This time she was walking.

The PBR was moving close to twenty knots, but she kept pace along the bank without running.

A tree slid between them.

She appeared on the other side.

Another tree.

There again.

“Jesus Christ,” Harlan whispered.

Danny climbed down from the gun.

“She wants you off the boat.”

Carter stared at her. “How is she doing that?”

“Doesn't matter.”

The woman stopped.

Carter turned to keep her in sight.

Danny grabbed his shoulder.

“Don't.”

His hand was ice cold.

Water ran from his fingers and struck the deck.

Danny stared at the drops.

“Stay with us.”

Something tightened behind Carter's eyes.

He had heard that before.

An engine.

Gunfire.

Someone shouting.

Then it was gone.

Behind him, Harlan said, “We don't leave our men.”

Carter turned.

“What'd you say?”

Harlan blinked. “Nothing.”

Something struck the hull.

Then again.

Carter leaned over the side.

A face rolled beneath the black water.

White eyes. Open mouth. Hair drifting like weeds.

“There’s somebody in the water.”

No one moved.

Danny stared at Carter.

“Don't look again.”

From shore, the woman called:

“Hey.”

One word, somehow clear over both engines.

Behind her, a narrow path disappeared into the trees.

She pointed toward it.

Carter pulled the throttles back.

Danny stepped forward.

“No.”

“I just want to see what she wants.”

“No, you don't.”

There was panic in Danny's voice now.

Not fear of the woman.

Fear of Carter stopping.

Harlan and Velez stood.

“We don't leave our men,” Harlan said.

Carter looked at Danny.

Black mud covered the cuff of his trousers.

“Danny?”

The radio hissed.

Still switched off.

Through the static Hannah whispered:

“...you went back...”

Carter stopped breathing.

The broadcast returned for a few seconds, then broke again.

“...when the river took one...”

Danny stepped toward him.

“Carter.”

The radio crackled.

“...they told you to keep moving...”

And the night split open.

Danny went over on a hard bend.

Carter remembered the flash of red cloth first.

Danny's hip hit the rail. His hands lost the gun mount.

Then he was gone.

“Man overboard!”

Danny surfaced in the wake, one arm raised.

Alive.

Muzzle flashes punched through the trees.

Harlan opened fire.

“Go!” he screamed. “Go, go, go!”

Danny disappeared behind them.

Carter looked at the channel ahead.

Then back.

Danny surfaced again.

His hand came up.

“We don't leave our men.”

Carter spun the wheel.

The PBR came around hard.

Harlan screamed at him to keep moving, but Danny was twenty yards away.

Ten.

Five.

His hand struck the hull.

Harlan leaned over the side.

“Got you!”

Danny reached up.

Their hands met.

Something heavy fired from shore.

White light filled the stern.

Metal screamed.

Carter hit the river.

Cold water swallowed him. Something caught his ankle. Another hand closed around his sleeve.

He kicked free and clawed toward light.

Then morning.

Carter lay in the mud coughing river water.

The PBR had lodged against roots offshore, stern burned black, railing torn away.

Nobody moved.

“Danny?”

Nothing.

“Harlan!”

A woman stood a few yards away.

Pale blouse. Dark trousers. Bare feet in the mud.

She held out one hand.

Behind Carter, Harlan shouted from the boat.

“Carter!”

He turned.

Harlan stood on deck, whole.

Velez beside him.

Danny too, red cloth bright around his wrist.

“Come on,” Danny called.

The woman shook her head.

Harlan shouted again.

“We don't leave our men!”

Carter pulled away from her hand.

And walked back into the river.

The memory released him.

Carter stood at the controls.

Alone.

Black scorch marks covered the stern. Half the railing was missing. Brown stains crossed the deck.

Harlan's seat was empty.

Velez's gun sagged on its mount, furred with rust.

The cartridge he'd been cleaning his nail with lay beside Carter's boot, green with corrosion.

“No.”

The radio whispered.

Static.

Then Hannah.

“...you know who stayed.”

Something scraped the hull.

Carter looked down.

Pale fingers curled over the side.

A swollen head rose from the water. River weed covered half its face. One eye was milk-white.

The other looked directly at him.

A small scar crossed the eyebrow.

Danny had gotten that scar from a bottle in Subic and spent two weeks claiming three Marines had jumped him.

“Danny.”

The corpse opened its mouth.

Water poured out.

A strip of red cloth floated from its wrist.

Carter stepped toward it.

You went back for him once.

Of course you would again.

“Carter.”

Harlan stood behind him.

All three were back.

Harlan by the stern. Velez against the gunwale. Danny beside the forward gun.

Clean uniforms.

Dry hair.

Exactly as Carter remembered them.

Danny took a step closer.

“Don't leave me.”

Outside the boat, wet nails scraped against metal.

Carter looked from the dry Danny to the dead one climbing aboard.

Velez rolled an unfired cartridge between his fingers.

“You made the turn.”

Carter's eyes burned.

“I know.”

Harlan looked toward shore.

“You came back for Danny.”

His expression softened.

“You gonna leave us now?”

The woman had moved into the shallows.

Ankle-deep.

No farther.

Her hand was out.

Moonlight stretched her shadow across the mud, and behind the human shape something long and narrow curved through the reeds.

A tail.

Carter looked at Danny's corpse climbing aboard.

Then at the woman.

He stepped over the side.

Water closed around his boots.

Danny screamed his name.

Carter kept walking.

Something caught his trouser leg. He kicked free.

Harlan cursed him.

Danny begged.

Then Velez called after him.

Just once.

“Boss.”

Carter stopped.

Count your men. Check your fuel. Watch the banks.

Do it again.

He nearly turned.

Instead, he took another step.

Then another.

The water fell below his knees, then his ankles.

He reached the bank.

The woman lowered her hand.

Carter looked back.

The ruined PBR sat empty in the current.

One pale hand still clung to its side.

A strip of red cloth circled the wrist.

The fingers loosened and slipped beneath the water.

When Carter turned again, the woman was gone.

Behind him, the river kept moving.

Carter did not look back again.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 23 hours ago

The Woman on the Bank

The first time Carter saw the woman, she was standing ankle-deep in mud at the edge of the river.

They passed her just after dusk, running north through water the color of old coffee. The PBR's engines shoved a white wake against the mangroves.

She wore a pale blouse and dark trousers. Bare feet. Black hair loose over one shoulder.

“Friendly-looking,” Harlan said from the stern.

Velez laughed. “Go ask for her number.”

“My type has shoes.”

Danny watched her from the forward gun mount until the bend took her out of sight. A strip of red cloth was knotted around his left wrist, some cheap thing he'd come back from Saigon with and wouldn't explain.

Carter checked the channel, the gauges, then his men without thinking.

Danny at the bow. Velez portside. Harlan aft.

He'd been doing it for months. Count your men. Check your fuel. Watch the banks. Then do it again.

Something about the woman bothered him.

She hadn't watched the boat.

She had watched him.

Behind Carter's seat, the transistor radio whispered through static. They'd found Hanoi Hannah twenty minutes earlier and left her on because Harlan liked answering her.

Her English came calm and careful through the hiss.

“How are you, GI Joe?”

Harlan leaned toward the radio. “Doing just fine, Hannah. Thanks for asking.”

Velez laughed.

She continued, telling American soldiers they were poorly informed about how the war was going, sent thousands of miles from home by men who lied to them.

“See, that's where you're wrong,” Harlan said. “I don't understand shit back home either.”

Carter smiled.

Hannah started talking about American casualties when the signal dragged sideways. Her voice thinned until it hardly sounded human.

Then:

“...the river remembers...”

Static cracked.

Her ordinary broadcast returned without missing a beat.

Harlan frowned. “Well. That's cheerful.”

Carter looked at the radio.

“You hear that?”

“Hear what?”

“The river.”

Velez stared at him. “What river?”

Danny was still looking back toward the bend.

They saw the woman again twenty-three minutes later.

Carter knew because he'd checked his watch the first time.

Several miles upriver.

Same blouse. Same trousers. Same hair.

She stood on the western bank with her feet sunk in black mud.

Harlan's grin disappeared.

“Oh.”

Danny turned from the gun but wouldn't look at her.

“Keep going.”

“You know her?” Carter asked.

“No.”

Danny rubbed his thumb over the cloth around his wrist.

“Old guy in Mỹ Tho told me about women you see where you're not supposed to see them. Hồ tinh, I think. Fox spirits.”

“Something that looks like a woman?”

“They get you to follow them.”

Harlan leaned against the rail. “Still waiting on the bad part.”

The woman raised one arm and crooked two fingers toward herself.

Carter shoved the throttles forward.

As they passed, the setting sun threw her shadow across the water.

There was something behind it.

Long. Narrow.

The wake shattered the shape.

Carter looked back.

The woman had lowered her hand.

She wasn't watching him anymore.

She was staring into the river beside the boat.

The radio popped.

“...some men travel farther than others...”

Static stretched Hannah's voice.

“...some do not leave at all...”

Then she was discussing American losses again.

Danny turned the volume down.

Darkness closed around them.

Carter rubbed his eyes and tried to remember when he'd last slept. He came up with a cot beneath a ceiling fan, but couldn't decide whether that had been two nights ago or before Saigon.

He checked the fuel.

They had enough.

The problem was he couldn't remember refueling.

“Smoke?” he asked.

Harlan patted his pockets. “You got the pack.”

Carter found the Lucky Strikes beside his knee, lit one and held the pack behind him.

Nobody took it.

When he turned, Harlan already had a cigarette between his lips.

“You take one?”

Harlan looked confused. “What?”

“Never mind.”

At the bow, Velez cleaned beneath his thumbnail with the tip of a cartridge, a habit he'd had since Da Nang.

Danny shifted beside the gun.

His sleeve brushed the metal and left a dark handprint.

“Danny.”

“What?”

“Your arm.”

His sleeve was wet from cuff to elbow.

“Spray.”

They hadn't taken spray over the bow in ten minutes.

Carter looked at the red cloth around Danny's wrist.

In the darkness it looked almost brown.

Danny pulled his sleeve over it.

“Watch the river.”

The radio came alive.

Nobody touched it.

Carter turned.

He remembered switching it off.

Hannah's voice surfaced through static.

American boys—

Hiss.

—no one waiting—

Then, softly:

“...four men...”

Carter froze.

“...but the river counts differently...”

The signal vanished.

Carter snapped the radio off.

“Leave it,” Danny said.

His face had gone pale.

The woman returned before midnight.

This time she was walking.

The PBR was moving close to twenty knots, but she kept pace along the bank without running.

A tree slid between them.

She appeared on the other side.

Another tree.

There again.

“Jesus Christ,” Harlan whispered.

Danny climbed down from the gun.

“She wants you off the boat.”

Carter stared at her. “How is she doing that?”

“Doesn't matter.”

The woman stopped.

Carter turned to keep her in sight.

Danny grabbed his shoulder.

“Don't.”

His hand was ice cold.

Water ran from his fingers and struck the deck.

Danny stared at the drops.

“Stay with us.”

Something tightened behind Carter's eyes.

He had heard that before.

An engine.

Gunfire.

Someone shouting.

Then it was gone.

Behind him, Harlan said, “We don't leave our men.”

Carter turned.

“What'd you say?”

Harlan blinked. “Nothing.”

Something struck the hull.

Then again.

Carter leaned over the side.

A face rolled beneath the black water.

White eyes. Open mouth. Hair drifting like weeds.

“There’s somebody in the water.”

No one moved.

Danny stared at Carter.

“Don't look again.”

From shore, the woman called:

“Hey.”

One word, somehow clear over both engines.

Behind her, a narrow path disappeared into the trees.

She pointed toward it.

Carter pulled the throttles back.

Danny stepped forward.

“No.”

“I just want to see what she wants.”

“No, you don't.”

There was panic in Danny's voice now.

Not fear of the woman.

Fear of Carter stopping.

Harlan and Velez stood.

“We don't leave our men,” Harlan said.

Carter looked at Danny.

Black mud covered the cuff of his trousers.

“Danny?”

The radio hissed.

Still switched off.

Through the static Hannah whispered:

“...you went back...”

Carter stopped breathing.

The broadcast returned for a few seconds, then broke again.

“...when the river took one...”

Danny stepped toward him.

“Carter.”

The radio crackled.

“...they told you to keep moving...”

And the night split open.

Danny went over on a hard bend.

Carter remembered the flash of red cloth first.

Danny's hip hit the rail. His hands lost the gun mount.

Then he was gone.

“Man overboard!”

Danny surfaced in the wake, one arm raised.

Alive.

Muzzle flashes punched through the trees.

Harlan opened fire.

“Go!” he screamed. “Go, go, go!”

Danny disappeared behind them.

Carter looked at the channel ahead.

Then back.

Danny surfaced again.

His hand came up.

“We don't leave our men.”

Carter spun the wheel.

The PBR came around hard.

Harlan screamed at him to keep moving, but Danny was twenty yards away.

Ten.

Five.

His hand struck the hull.

Harlan leaned over the side.

“Got you!”

Danny reached up.

Their hands met.

Something heavy fired from shore.

White light filled the stern.

Metal screamed.

Carter hit the river.

Cold water swallowed him. Something caught his ankle. Another hand closed around his sleeve.

He kicked free and clawed toward light.

Then morning.

Carter lay in the mud coughing river water.

The PBR had lodged against roots offshore, stern burned black, railing torn away.

Nobody moved.

“Danny?”

Nothing.

“Harlan!”

A woman stood a few yards away.

Pale blouse. Dark trousers. Bare feet in the mud.

She held out one hand.

Behind Carter, Harlan shouted from the boat.

“Carter!”

He turned.

Harlan stood on deck, whole.

Velez beside him.

Danny too, red cloth bright around his wrist.

“Come on,” Danny called.

The woman shook her head.

Harlan shouted again.

“We don't leave our men!”

Carter pulled away from her hand.

And walked back into the river.

The memory released him.

Carter stood at the controls.

Alone.

Black scorch marks covered the stern. Half the railing was missing. Brown stains crossed the deck.

Harlan's seat was empty.

Velez's gun sagged on its mount, furred with rust.

The cartridge he'd been cleaning his nail with lay beside Carter's boot, green with corrosion.

“No.”

The radio whispered.

Static.

Then Hannah.

“...you know who stayed.”

Something scraped the hull.

Carter looked down.

Pale fingers curled over the side.

A swollen head rose from the water. River weed covered half its face. One eye was milk-white.

The other looked directly at him.

A small scar crossed the eyebrow.

Danny had gotten that scar from a bottle in Subic and spent two weeks claiming three Marines had jumped him.

“Danny.”

The corpse opened its mouth.

Water poured out.

A strip of red cloth floated from its wrist.

Carter stepped toward it.

You went back for him once.

Of course you would again.

“Carter.”

Harlan stood behind him.

All three were back.

Harlan by the stern. Velez against the gunwale. Danny beside the forward gun.

Clean uniforms.

Dry hair.

Exactly as Carter remembered them.

Danny took a step closer.

“Don't leave me.”

Outside the boat, wet nails scraped against metal.

Carter looked from the dry Danny to the dead one climbing aboard.

Velez rolled an unfired cartridge between his fingers.

“You made the turn.”

Carter's eyes burned.

“I know.”

Harlan looked toward shore.

“You came back for Danny.”

His expression softened.

“You gonna leave us now?”

The woman had moved into the shallows.

Ankle-deep.

No farther.

Her hand was out.

Moonlight stretched her shadow across the mud, and behind the human shape something long and narrow curved through the reeds.

A tail.

Carter looked at Danny's corpse climbing aboard.

Then at the woman.

He stepped over the side.

Water closed around his boots.

Danny screamed his name.

Carter kept walking.

Something caught his trouser leg. He kicked free.

Harlan cursed him.

Danny begged.

Then Velez called after him.

Just once.

“Boss.”

Carter stopped.

Count your men. Check your fuel. Watch the banks.

Do it again.

He nearly turned.

Instead, he took another step.

Then another.

The water fell below his knees, then his ankles.

He reached the bank.

The woman lowered her hand.

Carter looked back.

The ruined PBR sat empty in the current.

One pale hand still clung to its side.

A strip of red cloth circled the wrist.

The fingers loosened and slipped beneath the water.

When Carter turned again, the woman was gone.

Behind him, the river kept moving.

Carter did not look back again.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 23 hours ago

[RF] What Stayed With Me

The first time I smelled it, I thought I was having a stroke.

Not because I knew what a stroke felt like. I was eighteen, reasonably healthy, and had spent most of my life treating sleep as a loose suggestion. But everybody knows the burnt-toast thing. You smell toast when there isn't any toast, and you're supposed to call 911 before half your face slides off.

Except this wasn't toast.

I was lying in bed with a bag of peach rings balanced on my stomach when the smell came through my room strongly enough to make me sit up.

Warm and earthy.

Almost smoke, but not quite.

Damp stone. Crushed leaves. Something faintly sweet underneath.

Nothing was burning.

Dad was asleep on the couch. Mom had gone to bed.

Grandma was in the guest room.

That mattered because she'd arrived eleven days ago, and the smell had been happening almost that long.

The headaches had started earlier. Sharp pressure behind my eyes. Then came the pinching.

That's the only word I've found for it.

Something beneath my skin would catch a tiny fold of me from the inside and twist.

My arms. My stomach. The back of my neck.

There was never a mark afterward.

I'd already gone to urgent care. Everything was normal. The doctor told me to drink more water.

Mom bought me an enormous insulated bottle and left chocolate-covered pretzels beside it.

"For hydration?" I asked.

"Those are obviously medicinal."

I've always liked sweet things.

Apparently I had a comfort food group.

Grandma had habits too.

She folded dish towels into perfect thirds. She complained that Dad's coffee tasted like "hot brown water." She watched the evening news at a volume that made Dad retreat upstairs.

And she left glasses of water in strange places.

Behind the front door.

On top of the refrigerator.

Near the hallway leading to my room.

Leaves appeared beside the back entrance. Sometimes I woke before sunrise and found a candle burning in the kitchen.

"Religious thing," Mom said when I asked.

"What religion requires hydration stations?"

Mom smiled.

Grandma didn't.

Grandma was my mother's mother, but I barely knew her. She had spent most of my life in Mexico, and she and Mom had gone years without speaking.

My only clear memory of her was from when I was five.

Maybe six.

A crowded room. Candles. Women speaking quietly. Bowls of water and flowers.

A necklace lay on a white cloth.

I reached for it.

Grandma grabbed my wrist.

She shouted.

I remember crying. Her hand hurting me.

For most of my life, I'd remembered her as angry.

When she arrived at our house, she stood in the driveway wearing a pale blue blouse and looking much smaller than the monster my childhood had preserved.

She hugged Mom.

She hugged Dad.

Then she looked at me.

For one uncomfortable second, she just stared.

"Elena."

The way she said my name bothered me.

She sounded like someone who hadn't expected to see me.

I started avoiding her after the headaches got worse.

Then one afternoon I walked into the kitchen and found her whispering over a glass of water.

Pain stabbed behind my left eye so hard I caught myself against the counter.

"Stop."

Grandma opened her eyes.

The whispering stopped.

So did the pain.

Not slowly.

Immediately.

I stared at her.

She stared back.

Neither of us said anything.

That night I told Mom.

"I swear to you, every time she does one of those things, I get sick."

"She's praying."

"Cool. Why does her praying make my skull feel like it's splitting open?"

"It doesn't."

"You weren't in my skull, so I'm not sure you're qualified to say that."

Mom turned off the faucet harder than necessary.

"Your grandmother loves you."

"She doesn't know me."

Something moved across her face.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Two nights later, I woke at 2:13 in the morning with the smell filling my room so strongly I could taste it.

Earth.

Smoke.

Damp stone.

Then something twisted beneath my ribs.

A strip of light showed under my door.

I opened it.

Grandma was sitting on the hallway floor.

A glass of water rested beside her. My blue sweatshirt was spread across her lap, and she was moving one hand slowly above it while whispering under her breath.

"Are you serious?"

She stopped.

"What are you doing with my clothes?"

"I'm helping you."

"By sitting outside my room with my sweatshirt at two in the morning?"

"I know you are hurting."

"Because of you."

Her expression changed.

Not anger.

Sadness.

That frightened me more.

"You think that because you don't understand."

"Then explain it."

Something pinched the inside of my forearm.

I grabbed it.

Grandma's eyes went straight to the spot.

"There," I said. "You're doing it right now."

Her voice became very soft.

"It hurts because it wants me to stop."

Cold moved through me.

"What does?"

For the first time since she'd arrived, Grandma looked unsure.

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I know something is wrong. That is not the same as knowing what it is."

The pinching tightened.

Grandma reached toward me.

I stepped back.

"Don't."

"Elena—"

I locked my door.

The next morning I confronted her in the kitchen.

Mom was there.

So was Dad, although he became very interested in his coffee the second voices were raised.

"What religion?" I asked.

Grandma looked at Mom before answering.

"Lukumí. Some people call it Santería."

I looked toward the glass of water near the door.

"And that's what all this is?"

"Some of it."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I'm praying. It means I'm trying to protect this house. It means I am doing what I know how to do."

"With my clothes."

"Because they belong to you."

The old memory came back so clearly that my wrist seemed to ache.

"The necklace."

Grandma went still.

"What?"

"When I was little. You grabbed me because I touched a necklace."

Mom stopped moving.

Grandma lowered herself into a chair.

"You remember that?"

"Of course I remember it."

"You were very young."

"You screamed at me."

"I was scared."

"You were angry."

"I was scared."

"There was nothing to be scared of. I was a kid."

"I know."

She looked suddenly exhausted.

"Those beads were not cursed, Elena. They were sacred. They had been received for someone else. You should not have touched them, but touching them did not cause this."

"Cause what?"

No one answered.

I looked at Mom.

"What aren't you telling me?"

Mom sat across from me.

"When you were little, your grandmother thought something had changed."

I laughed once because the alternative was not laughing.

"Changed how?"

Grandma answered.

"You became different."

"Kids become different."

"Yes."

"So?"

She folded her hands.

"You had been terrified of water. Then you loved it. Foods you refused became your favorites. Sometimes you knew things that had happened but couldn't tell me anything about being there."

"That's your evidence?"

"No."

"What else?"

She studied my face.

"Sometimes you looked at people as though you were learning them."

My stomach tightened.

Mom said, "I thought she'd frightened you. I thought she was seeing danger because she expected to see it."

"And?"

"And I told her to leave you alone."

Grandma looked away.

"For years," Mom said, "I thought she was wrong."

I pushed back from the table.

"And now?"

No one stopped me when I left.

That night Mom pulled an old photo album from the hall closet.

She didn't explain why.

We sat on the floor of her bedroom turning pages.

Birthdays.

Halloween costumes.

Christmas mornings.

Then the river.

I smiled before I meant to.

"God, I loved that place."

Mom looked at me.

"You did eventually."

I turned toward her.

"What does that mean?"

"You were terrified of it when you were little."

"No I wasn't."

"Elena."

She turned a page.

Dad was carrying me away from the river.

I was screaming.

Not whining. Not crying because I'd fallen.

Screaming.

My fists were twisted in Dad's shirt. My entire body was trying to climb higher into his arms.

I stared at the picture.

"I remember that trip."

"Do you?"

"Yes."

Sun through cottonwoods.

Dad's red cooler.

Strawberry candies in a plastic bag.

Warm rocks beneath my legs.

The current outside our tent at night.

I knew all of it.

But when I tried to remember anything immediately before the photograph was taken, there was nothing.

Not darkness.

Nothing.

Just the picture.

A fact with no edges around it.

Mom closed the album.

Neither of us spoke.

The next morning, I lost twenty minutes.

One second I was sitting on my bed watching videos.

The next, I was downstairs with my shoes on and my hand wrapped around the front-door lock.

Dad was standing behind me.

"Going somewhere?"

"I don't know."

He laughed.

Then he saw my face.

"I was upstairs."

"What?"

"I was just upstairs."

"I heard you come down."

"I don't remember it."

Dad looked toward the staircase.

That was the moment he stopped joking about any of this.

That night I dreamed about the river.

I was small.

Someone was carrying me.

I could hear myself screaming.

When I woke, there was dirt on the bottoms of my feet.

Two days later, pain ripped across my stomach while I was walking down the hall.

I folded against the wall.

Dad caught me before I hit the floor.

From the laundry room, Grandma's voice stopped.

So did the pain.

Dad looked through the doorway.

Grandma was kneeling beside one of my shirts.

For several seconds, nobody moved.

Later, I heard Grandma and Mom talking behind the laundry-room door.

"I can't keep doing it little by little," Grandma said.

Mom's voice shook.

"You said you weren't sure."

"I wasn't."

"And now?"

"When I pray over something that belongs to her, it reacts before Elena knows I'm doing anything."

A pause.

"It's holding too tightly."

I stepped into the doorway.

"What's holding too tightly?"

Mom turned.

Her face told me everything before she spoke.

She believed her.

That terrified me more than Grandma ever had.

They called what Grandma wanted to do a cleansing.

I called it absolutely not.

"I went to a doctor."

"And they didn't find anything," Mom said.

"So now we're doing an exorcism?"

"It's not an exorcism," Grandma said.

"Stop telling me things aren't what they obviously are."

"I don't know what this is."

"That's reassuring."

"But I know what happens when I pray."

"You hurt me."

Grandma's mouth tightened.

Then she said, "Yes."

Everyone went quiet.

She didn't defend herself.

Didn't tell me the pain wasn't real.

Just yes.

Mom covered her mouth.

Grandma continued.

"I think the pain comes from separating something that has been joined for a long time."

"To me?"

"I don't know."

"What if you're wrong?"

Her eyes filled.

"Then I will have hurt you for nothing."

"And if you're right?"

No one answered.

That was worse.

We did it Saturday morning.

Morning light came through the curtains.

Grandma pushed the coffee table aside. Beside her sat a bowl of water, leaves, a candle, and a piece of white cloth.

Nothing looked dramatic enough.

I had expected, I don't know, thunder.

Something worthy of being terrified.

Instead Dad moved his coffee mug out of the way.

Mom cried silently.

Grandma told me to sit.

"I hate all of you."

Dad nodded.

"That's fair."

Under any other circumstances, I might have laughed.

Grandma knelt in front of me.

"Whatever happens, listen to me."

"Not fight you?"

"No."

She shook her head.

"Fight if you need to. Just listen."

She touched my forehead.

The smell hit me all at once.

Earth.

Smoke.

Water.

And underneath it, something familiar enough to hurt.

Grandma began praying.

Pressure swelled behind my eyes.

She moved the leaves over my shoulders and down my arms.

Everywhere they passed burned.

"Stop."

She kept praying.

"Please."

Mom came closer.

"I'm here, baby."

"Then make her stop."

I tried to stand.

My legs didn't work.

The room lurched upward.

For one impossible second, I became very small.

Not felt small.

Was small.

The couch towered over me.

Mom's face looked too far away.

My name is Elena Morales.

The thought came so clearly that I grabbed onto it.

I'm eighteen.

That's Mom.

That's Dad.

This is our house.

Grandma kept praying.

My name is Elena.

I'm eighteen.

Mom.

Dad.

Home.

Then I heard the river.

Water moving over stones.

Sun through trees.

Candy sticking between my fingers.

Warm rocks beneath my legs.

Dad laughing.

Mom calling my name.

I loved that place.

I—

Cold water.

A scream.

My scream.

Dad lifting me away from the bank.

No.

That hadn't happened.

My name is Elena.

I love the river.

I love—

Candles.

A crowded room.

Bowls of water and flowers.

A necklace on white cloth.

A little girl reached toward it.

Grandma turned.

Her face changed.

She lunged.

Her hand closed around the girl's wrist.

And I watched it happen.

From across the room.

I stopped breathing.

No.

The memory snapped back.

I was the little girl.

Grandma was holding my wrist.

I was crying.

Then I was near the doorway again.

Watching.

Then inside the little girl's body.

Then outside it.

Each time the memory changed, something inside me tore.

"No."

Grandma's prayer faltered.

"That's not right."

She was crying now.

"I'm remembering it wrong."

Grandma touched my cheek.

"No, mi amor."

"My name is Elena."

Behind her, Mom made a sound like she had been hit.

I looked at her.

My mother.

I knew she sang the wrong lyrics to songs even after being corrected.

I knew she kept emergency cash inside an old birthday card in her dresser.

I knew Dad couldn't sleep without the television on.

I knew the squeak in the third stair.

I knew where Mom hid Christmas presents.

I knew Dad always checked the back door twice.

I knew the scar on his thumb came from opening a can when I was twelve.

I knew all of them.

I knew everything.

It was my life.

Grandma pressed her forehead against mine.

"You have to let go."

"Of what?"

"Please."

"I don't understand."

The smell became unbearable.

Water.

Smoke.

Earth.

The river roaring somewhere inside the room.

"I'm Elena."

Grandma squeezed my hands.

Something in her face collapsed.

"No, mi amor."

Something inside me gave way.

It wasn't pain.

It was like reaching for a railing in the dark and finding nothing there.

I reached for my name.

Elena.

Then the river.

My parents.

Peach rings.

Christmas.

My blue sweatshirt.

Graduation.

The boy who kissed me behind the gym and apologized afterward because he'd missed my mouth.

The scar beneath my chin.

Driving alone for the first time.

Dad teaching me to change a tire.

Mom falling asleep beside me during a movie and denying it when she woke up.

Everything I had ever called mine.

All of it came apart in my hands.

I tried to remember my face.

I couldn't.

Then there was nothing.

When I opened my eyes, Mom was holding me.

She looked old.

That was the first thing I noticed.

There was gray in her hair.

Dad looked old too.

I asked what happened.

Mom hugged me so hard it hurt.

Grandma was kneeling nearby.

I became scared when I saw her.

Then I remembered candles.

The necklace.

Her hand around my wrist.

But she looked old now too.

"Where are we?"

Mom pulled back.

"Home."

I knew the house.

Except I didn't.

The walls were the wrong color.

Dad's cabinet was gone.

There was a television where the bookcase used to be.

I asked where my toys were.

Dad turned away.

Mom took me upstairs.

My room was worse.

A big bed.

Clothes I didn't recognize.

Makeup on the dresser.

Photographs covering the mirror.

In one of them, a girl in a cap and gown stood between Mom and Dad.

She looked like me.

I picked it up.

"Who is that?"

Mom made a strange sound.

I knew the answer somehow.

That frightened me.

"How old am I?"

Nobody answered.

Then Mom said, "Eighteen."

I thought she was lying.

I went to the mirror.

There was a girl in it.

She moved when I moved.

I touched my face.

She touched hers.

There was a scar beneath my chin.

I knew that scar.

I remembered Dad wiping blood off my shirt.

I did not remember getting hurt.

Mom said it happened when I was nine.

I don't remember being nine.

I remember the beads.

I remember Grandma yelling.

Then I woke up here.

That is all.

Thirteen years.

Mom said thirteen years are gone.

I don't understand how years can be gone.

That afternoon, Mom brought me peach rings.

She put the bag beside me without saying anything.

"What are those?"

She stopped.

"Your favorite."

I tried one because of the way she was looking at me.

It was awful.

Too sweet.

I spit it into my hand.

"I don't like these."

Mom stared at me.

Then she left the room.

The next morning, there was cinnamon cereal on the counter.

I asked if Dad had bought it.

Mom looked at the box for a long time.

"No," she said.

She put it in the pantry.

Later, I heard her crying in there.

Dad asked if I wanted to visit the river sometime.

I said no.

I hate the river.

I know I hate it.

I remember cold water.

I remember screaming.

Dad carrying me away.

But there is another memory in my head too.

Warm rocks.

Sunshine.

Candy melting against my fingers.

Happiness.

I can see it as clearly as anything.

It just doesn't feel like mine.

It feels like when somebody tells you the same story so many times that eventually you know all the words.

Grandma told me what she thinks happened.

She says she doesn't know for sure.

Something was near me that day with the beads.

Maybe it came with us.

Maybe it was already there.

Maybe it had been close before that.

The beads did not cause it.

She is certain about that.

She is less certain about everything else.

"What was it?" I asked.

"I don't know."

"Was it bad?"

Grandma didn't answer right away.

"I thought so."

"Do you still?"

She looked toward the doorway.

"I don't know."

I asked where I had been.

That made her cry.

She said maybe I had been here the whole time.

Quiet.

That is the word she used.

Quiet.

I hate that word.

There are pictures all over my room.

Birthdays.

Christmas.

School dances.

Graduation.

Sometimes when I look at them, I know things.

Names.

Places.

What happened just before the picture was taken.

What somebody said afterward.

But knowing isn't remembering.

There is a boy in several photographs with his arm around me.

I know his name.

I know where he lives.

I know that he hates pickles and lies about being afraid of spiders.

I don't remember meeting him.

Mom forgets sometimes.

Dad does too.

He starts telling a story and stops halfway through.

Sometimes he looks at me like he's waiting for me to finish a joke I don't know.

Once I heard Mom talking to him downstairs.

"I know she's back," she said.

Dad didn't answer.

Mom started crying.

"Is it terrible that I miss her?"

A long time passed.

Then Dad said, "I miss her too."

They didn't know I was listening.

I think about the girl who was here before I woke up.

Mom hates when I call her that.

She says there wasn't a girl before me.

There was me.

But that isn't true.

Not exactly.

She knew Mom better than I do.

She knew how Dad took his coffee.

She picked these clothes.

She learned to drive.

She graduated.

She loved the river.

She thought she was me.

At the end, she was terrified.

She begged Grandma to stop.

Maybe Grandma saved me.

Maybe she killed her.

Maybe both things are true.

I asked Grandma once whether the other girl knew what she was.

Grandma said she didn't know.

I asked whether it mattered.

She didn't answer.

Mom keeps telling me she's happy I am back.

She hugs me a lot.

I hug her too.

I remember loving her.

Sometimes I even feel it before I remember I'm supposed to.

Everyone says I am myself again.

I just wish I remembered being her.

reddit.com

[RF] Cinnamon

My wife printed one hundred and eighty-six missing-dog flyers today.

I know because I counted them, though not on purpose. I was sitting at the kitchen table cutting the tabs along the bottom—the ones with her phone number printed vertically—and counting gave me something to do besides watch her come apart.

Across the top of every page, in a font much larger than necessary, she'd written:

MISSING YORKIE — PLEASE HELP US BRING CINNA HOME

Underneath was a picture from last Christmas. Cinna sat on the arm of our couch in a red sweater, one ear standing straight up and the other folded over. She always looked irritated in pictures, which was funny because she was probably the sweetest dog I'd ever known.

Below the picture Dana had listed everything strangers needed to know: eight pounds, tan and gray, pink collar, very friendly, might be scared.

At the bottom, in bold:

SHE IS OUR FAMILY.

Dana stood at the counter feeding sheets through the paper cutter one at a time. She hadn't slept properly in three nights. Her hair was still twisted into yesterday's knot, and there were dark circles beneath her eyes.

"That's enough," I told her.

She kept cutting.

"Dana."

"I heard you."

"It's supposed to hit a hundred and two today."

"I know."

"You've already done the whole neighborhood."

"I haven't done the apartments behind the elementary school."

"You did those yesterday."

"I did the front building."

She slid another flyer beneath the blade. I reached across the table and put my hand on the remaining stack.

"Please. Take an hour."

"What if somebody saw her and they don't have one of these?"

"You've put them on every telephone pole from here to Chapman."

"Then I'll go farther."

There was no anger in her voice. I almost wished there had been.

I let go of the stack and told her to take water. She said she would. I reminded her she'd said the same thing yesterday and had come home with nearly a full bottle.

That got the smallest smile.

"Okay, Dad."

"I mean it."

"I know."

She bent down, kissed the top of my head, gathered another armful of flyers and left.

I watched from the front window until she disappeared around the corner.

Cinna had been gone for three days, and I could already see what it was doing to my wife.

People kept telling us dogs got out all the time. Somebody probably picked her up. Yorkies didn't make it far on their own. Keep checking shelters. Put her picture online.

They meant well.

They didn't know Dana.

More importantly, they didn't know what it had taken to get her back.

When I met my wife, she had more energy than anyone I'd ever known and apparently no interest in wasting it.

She worked in marketing for a medical-device company. By thirty she was managing people older than both of us. She ran half-marathons, remembered everyone's birthday and kept a calendar that looked like it required air-traffic control.

She was exhausting.

I loved her for it.

Work was the only thing we really fought about.

I'd make dinner and get a text at seven saying a meeting had run late. We'd make Saturday plans and she'd need to log in for twenty minutes, which had a strange tendency to become two hours.

Once, during an anniversary dinner, I realized we'd spent most of the appetizer talking about a presentation she had Monday.

"Why do you work this hard?" I asked.

"Because I like it."

"I know. But sometimes I feel like you're killing yourself for a job."

She looked at me. "That's dramatic."

"I miss you."

That stopped her.

Sometimes it seemed like her office got the best version of my wife and I got whatever was left at eight-thirty at night. She told me her career mattered to her, that she was good at what she did and wasn't going to apologize for caring about it.

I said I understood.

Usually I did.

For a while we had rats getting into the detached garage behind the house, and that somehow became my responsibility.

I'd promised to deal with them, then forgot.

One night Dana came home after nine and found droppings beside a bag of dog food we'd bought for her parents' Labrador.

"We have got to do something about this."

"I know."

"You've been saying that for a month."

"I'll do it tomorrow."

"You said that last week."

"I've been busy too, Dana."

She dropped her keys on the counter.

"Maybe that's why I stay at the office. At least they don't have rats."

It wasn't her best joke.

We laughed about it later.

The next morning I finally dealt with the problem. Traps, poison, cleaning out the back shelves.

Dana disliked the poison immediately.

"I hate having that in here."

"It's in the cabinet."

"What if something gets into it?"

"Then we'll keep the garage closed."

She gave me the look she used when I'd missed the point.

Later, after she got pregnant and we started childproofing the house, she made me go through the garage again—loose screws, nails, old traps, anything dangerous I might have forgotten back when there were no children to worry about.

Pregnancy was the first thing I'd ever seen make Dana slow down.

She was frightened almost immediately.

There were heart problems in her family. Not the clogged-artery sort everybody eventually worries about, but something congenital. Hereditary.

Her younger sister died when Dana was four. She remembered almost nothing about the girl herself. A yellow dress. Sharing a bedroom. The fact that she hated peas.

What Dana remembered was the night she died: her mother screaming, a paramedic stepping on one of Dana's toys, someone carrying her sister down the hallway with one tiny arm hanging loose.

So every appointment frightened her. Every test. Every pause before a doctor said everything looked fine.

Our daughter was born on a Tuesday morning in March.

Sophie.

Seven pounds, two ounces, an unreasonable amount of dark hair and a scream that sounded too large to have come from her.

When they put Sophie on Dana's chest, my wife cried so hard I thought something was wrong. Then I realized she was laughing too.

I'd never seen another person look that happy.

I loved Sophie from the moment I saw her. Before she existed there had been a version of my life without her, and after I met her that version became impossible to picture.

Dana took four months off work.

Those were probably the happiest months of our marriage.

I know how that sounds.

I'd come home and they'd be there—Dana on the couch with Sophie asleep against her chest, or Sophie kicking in the little vibrating chair while Dana cooked. We took walks after dinner. We ate together. Weekends belonged to us.

Sometimes I'd stand in the kitchen listening to Dana talk nonsense to the baby in the next room and think that this was what all of it had been for.

The house felt right with her in it.

A few months later Sophie started eating purées. Apple and cinnamon was the first one she really loved.

The first time Dana opened one of the jars, I could smell the cinnamon from across the kitchen.

"Maybe that's why the rats never came back," I said.

Dana looked over at me. "What?"

"Cinnamon. I read somewhere they hate it."

"We haven't had rats in two years."

"I know. Something about the smell being too strong." I shrugged. "Covers up whatever else they're trying to sniff out."

Dana stared at me.

"So Sophie is pest control now?"

"Finally earning her keep."

"You're horrible."

She was smiling when she said it.

Sophie saw the spoon coming and opened her mouth like a baby bird, then somehow got half of it on her cheeks anyway.

Dana laughed and wiped her chin.

After that she started calling her Cinnamon.

At first it was my little Cinnamon girl. Then just Cinnamon. Sometimes Cinny when Dana was tired.

"She's going to hate us when she's fifteen and we tell people about this," Dana said once.

"Then we won't tell anybody."

"I'm telling everybody."

"You're a terrible mother."

"I know."

Sophie slapped both hands into the tray and Dana laughed hard enough to nearly drop the spoon.

I remember that afternoon better than I remember most of that year.

The heart issue appeared during a routine appointment.

A murmur.

Maybe nothing, the pediatrician said. Maybe something.

A cardiologist found enough to watch but not enough to panic over, which meant Dana panicked constantly.

She wanted to know whether it was what her sister had. Whether she'd passed it to Sophie. Whether a baby with a heart problem could simply stop breathing in her sleep.

The doctor was careful with his answers.

I wasn't.

"She's fine," I'd tell Dana afterward.

"You don't know that."

"Neither do you."

"What if it's the same thing?"

"It isn't."

"How do you know?"

"Because I'm her dad and I've decided."

Sometimes that made her smile.

Dana extended her leave another month, then another.

Eventually her company began asking when she intended to return, and Dana decided she was ready.

She missed adult conversations. She missed dressing for somewhere other than Target. She missed being good at something that didn't involve keeping another human alive.

I told her we'd make it work.

Daycare three days a week. Dana's mother one day. I shifted my schedule when I could.

The first time she came home late again, I remember looking at the clock.

7:42.

Sophie was asleep against me and dinner had gone cold.

Dana came through the door apologizing, kissed the baby, kissed me and immediately started explaining some crisis at work.

"Five weeks back and they've already chained you to the desk."

She stopped.

"Don't start."

"I'm not starting anything."

"That tone is starting something."

"I don't have a tone."

"You absolutely have a tone."

Sophie woke before either of us could say anything else.

Dana had only been back at work a few weeks when she died.

We put Sophie down like normal.

That was the part Dana could never get past.

There had been no dramatic warning. No fever, no crying, nothing that would have made either of us sit beside the crib all night. She ate, played, fell asleep, and sometime before morning her heart stopped.

Dana found her.

I don't like remembering what happened after that.

The nursery was cold. Dana was making a sound I had never heard from another human being. Paramedics came. Police came. Our house filled with people while Sophie was somewhere else.

Someone went through the standard questions with us. Medications. Cleaning products. Anything unusual in the house. Anything she might have reached.

Dana answered most of them before I could.

"We babyproofed everything."

Then she looked at me.

I nodded.

With Sophie's heart and Dana's family history, everyone had an explanation ready.

Her sister had died young. Sophie's cardiologist had already found something worth monitoring. Sometimes these things happened suddenly, we were told. Sometimes there wasn't time to prevent them.

Dana heard something else.

You gave this to her.

And because she'd gone back to work, she found another way to blame herself.

"I should've been here."

"You were here."

"I mean with her."

"She was sleeping."

"What if I missed something?"

"You didn't."

"What if I hadn't gone back?"

"Dana."

"I left her."

"You went to work."

"I left her."

For years I told my wife the same things.

It wasn't your fault.

You couldn't have known.

You loved her.

There was nothing you could have done.

Going back to work did not kill our daughter.

Some nights I said it ten times.

Dana resigned two weeks after the funeral.

I was relieved.

That is one of the things I never told her.

Of course she couldn't have gone back then. Nobody could have. But some part of me was relieved there would be no deadlines, no meetings, no laptop chirping at nine at night.

I thought grief might force everything else to become smaller for a while.

I thought we'd simply exist together until we healed.

That isn't what happened.

The first year was unbearable.

The second was quieter.

Dana stopped seeing friends because most of them had children. Invitations stopped coming after enough polite refusals.

She didn't go back to work.

She didn't go much of anywhere.

I cooked and cleaned and handled bills. I sat with her when she couldn't sleep.

I learned there are only so many ways to answer the question, Do you think she knew I loved her?

Yes.

Always yes.

Of course she knew.

I loved my wife through all of it, but after a few years I began to resent the dead.

That's uglier than saying I was tired, but it's closer to the truth.

I resented Mother's Day. Sophie's birthday. The anniversary of the day she died. I resented strangers' children for having the wrong laugh in grocery stores.

Once, on what would have been Sophie's third birthday, Dana wanted to spend the evening looking through photographs.

I told her I had a headache.

I didn't.

I sat in the bedroom watching something stupid on my phone while my wife cried alone in the living room, and for almost twenty minutes I enjoyed the quiet.

I hated myself afterward.

Mostly.

More than anything, I missed my wife.

Not even the woman she'd been before Sophie. I knew we weren't getting that woman back.

I would've settled for someone who laughed occasionally. Someone who wanted to go to dinner. Someone who could sit through a stupid movie without disappearing halfway through it.

I lasted almost four years before I brought home Cinna.

She fit in one hand.

A coworker's sister had Yorkie puppies, and I'd gone over telling myself I was only looking. One climbed into my lap and fell asleep there.

I sent Dana a picture.

She replied:

No.

I brought the puppy home anyway.

For approximately five minutes, Dana was furious.

"We talked about this."

"No, I sent you a picture and you said no."

"That's generally considered talking."

"You haven't held her."

"I don't want to hold her."

"Fine."

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Hand me the dog while I'm telling you I don't want the dog."

I handed her the dog.

The puppy licked her chin.

Dana laughed.

Actually laughed.

Not the polite little breath she'd been using for years when she knew I was trying to cheer her up. A real laugh, sudden and surprised.

For one embarrassing second I thought I might cry.

The puppy didn't have a name yet.

I suggested Penny.

Dana suggested Cinna.

I knew immediately what she meant.

"No."

Her smile faltered. "What?"

"That's weird."

"It isn't weird."

"It's a little weird."

"It's after Cinnamon."

"I know what it's after."

Dana tucked the puppy against her chest. "I like it."

I remember looking at the two of them and thinking that naming a dog after our dead daughter was one grief-therapy exercise too far.

But Dana was smiling.

So Cinna it was.

And I have to give the little dog credit.

She accomplished what therapists, medication, family and I hadn't.

She gave Dana reasons to leave the house.

At first it was walks because Cinna refused to use the backyard. Once around the block became twice, then the park.

Dana started getting dressed earlier because Cinna woke at seven. She spoke to neighbors, then friends.

Pictures appeared on her phone that weren't old photographs of Sophie.

Dana and Cinna at the beach.

Cinna sitting upright in the passenger seat of Dana's car like a tiny disapproving grandmother.

Dana started cooking again. She played music in the kitchen. She made fun of me.

One night about six months ago she laughed so hard at something stupid I said that she snorted.

She clapped both hands over her face.

"Oh my God."

I couldn't stop smiling.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I missed that."

She knew what I meant.

She leaned over and kissed me.

For the first time in years, I thought maybe we'd made it.

After that, the walks got longer. She started having coffee with a woman two streets over who owned some kind of terrier. Once she and Cinna were gone almost three hours because they'd driven to a park across town.

I teased her about having a social life.

I was glad she did.

A few months later, I came home and found Dana at the kitchen table with her old laptop open.

"What are you doing?"

She tilted the screen away from me in a way that was meant to be playful.

"Nothing."

"That's suspicious."

"I'm updating my résumé."

I looked at the screen.

"Just updating it," she said.

"I didn't say anything."

"You did that thing with your face."

"What thing?"

"That thing."

"I don't have a thing."

"You absolutely have a thing."

She smiled and turned the laptop back around.

"I've been thinking maybe part-time. Or consulting. Something small."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be okay?"

She studied me for a second.

Then she kissed my cheek.

For the next week, the laptop stayed on the kitchen table.

I noticed that.

I also noticed she had started checking her email before breakfast.

Neither of those things meant anything.

Two weeks ago she had résumés printed on thick cream paper.

I told her they looked nice.

The afternoon Cinna disappeared, Dana had taken her into the backyard. Her phone rang and she stepped inside to answer it.

When she went back out, the side gate was open.

No Cinna.

We searched until after midnight.

The next morning we called every shelter within thirty miles. Dana posted everywhere she could think of. We drove slowly through streets with the windows down calling Cinna's name.

I kept telling her Yorkies got picked up. Someone probably had her.

That was better than imagining her on a road somewhere.

By the second day Dana wasn't eating unless I put something directly in front of her.

By the third she wasn't sleeping.

And suddenly it felt like five years ago.

The same frantic eyes. The same bargaining. The same certainty that if she did one more thing, searched one more street, something terrible could still be undone.

"What if somebody stole her?"

"I don't think anybody stole her."

"What if she got hurt?"

"We checked the roads."

"What if she's hiding somewhere?"

"Then somebody will find her."

"What if nobody does?"

"We'll keep looking."

This morning the printer finally ran out of paper.

Even that didn't stop her.

She started feeding in the backs of the résumés she'd had printed two weeks ago, and I sat at the kitchen table cutting tabs while Cinna's face came out on one side and Dana's old life remained neatly formatted on the other.

Job titles.

Promotions.

Awards.

Eleven years of experience.

One page after another disappeared beneath MISSING YORKIE.

I didn't say anything.

It's almost ten now and Dana is still out.

I texted her fifteen minutes ago and told her to come home because it's still ninety-one degrees outside. She replied that she has one more street left, which, knowing my wife, means at least three.

I put a bottle of water in the refrigerator for her. She likes it almost frozen.

There's dinner in the microwave too. She probably won't eat, but I'll make her try.

Tomorrow I'll convince her to stay home for a few hours. Maybe we'll call the shelters together.

I'll drive this time.

She's exhausted, and the heat worries me.

The heat has been worrying me for another reason too.

The garage sits at the back of the yard, separate from the house. There's almost no insulation in there, and the little vent above the side door doesn't do much once the sun has been on the roof all afternoon.

I thought I had longer.

Apparently I didn't.

The smell is bad now.

You can't smell it from the house. You can't even smell it standing a few feet outside the garage.

But open the door and it's there.

Dana hasn't been inside since the first day, when we were still grabbing leashes and flashlights and anything else we thought might help us find Cinna.

She hasn't noticed.

Still, I can't leave her there another day.

Cinna is behind the plastic storage bins along the back wall, wrapped in one of our old moving blankets.

She's so small that hiding her wasn't difficult.

The hard part has been listening to Dana call for her.

Yesterday evening she stood at the end of the driveway shaking the bag of treats.

She called Cinna's name.

Waited.

Called again.

Then finally shouted, "Come home!" into a street that had already gone quiet.

I went inside before she did.

I'll move Cinna tonight after Dana falls asleep.

There's a road about a mile from here where people drive too fast. No sidewalk for part of it, only dry brush and a narrow shoulder.

I'll leave her near there before morning.

Nothing elaborate.

Dana doesn't need an investigation.

She needs an answer.

The gate was open.

Cinna got out.

She wandered too far.

Not knowing is worse.

Give someone an answer and eventually they learn to live around it.

Dana already has.

I hate that she's going to hurt.

But she'll recover.

Cinna proved she can.

I'll cook. I'll sit up with her when she can't sleep. I'll remind her to eat. I'll tell her the gate wasn't her fault, that she couldn't have known, that there was nothing she could have done.

I'll say it as many times as she needs.

Eventually we'll be okay again.

We always are.

Before I move Cinna, I should clean up the garage.

Dana hasn't noticed the cabinet over the workbench is unlocked.

Years ago, when we childproofed the house, she made me promise there was nothing dangerous left in there.

I told her there wasn't.

Most of what I'd bought for the rats is gone now. The traps rusted. The cleaning supplies got used.

There are only a few things shoved behind old paint cans and extension cords, including one battered cardboard box I should have thrown away a long time ago.

I'll get rid of that too.

No reason to keep it.

Funny.

I used to think Cinna was a terrible name. Too morbid, I told Dana. Too much history to hang around the neck of an eight-pound dog.

I suppose I owe my wife an apology.

Both her girls always did love cinnamon.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 2 days ago

Cinnamon

My wife printed one hundred and eighty-six missing-dog flyers today.

I know because I counted them, though not on purpose. I was sitting at the kitchen table cutting the tabs along the bottom—the ones with her phone number printed vertically—and counting gave me something to do besides watch her come apart.

Across the top of every page, in a font much larger than necessary, she'd written:

MISSING YORKIE — PLEASE HELP US BRING CINNA HOME

Underneath was a picture from last Christmas. Cinna sat on the arm of our couch in a red sweater, one ear standing straight up and the other folded over. She always looked irritated in pictures, which was funny because she was probably the sweetest dog I'd ever known.

Below the picture Dana had listed everything strangers needed to know: eight pounds, tan and gray, pink collar, very friendly, might be scared.

At the bottom, in bold:

SHE IS OUR FAMILY.

Dana stood at the counter feeding sheets through the paper cutter one at a time. She hadn't slept properly in three nights. Her hair was still twisted into yesterday's knot, and there were dark circles beneath her eyes.

"That's enough," I told her.

She kept cutting.

"Dana."

"I heard you."

"It's supposed to hit a hundred and two today."

"I know."

"You've already done the whole neighborhood."

"I haven't done the apartments behind the elementary school."

"You did those yesterday."

"I did the front building."

She slid another flyer beneath the blade. I reached across the table and put my hand on the remaining stack.

"Please. Take an hour."

"What if somebody saw her and they don't have one of these?"

"You've put them on every telephone pole from here to Chapman."

"Then I'll go farther."

There was no anger in her voice. I almost wished there had been.

I let go of the stack and told her to take water. She said she would. I reminded her she'd said the same thing yesterday and had come home with nearly a full bottle.

That got the smallest smile.

"Okay, Dad."

"I mean it."

"I know."

She bent down, kissed the top of my head, gathered another armful of flyers and left.

I watched from the front window until she disappeared around the corner.

Cinna had been gone for three days, and I could already see what it was doing to my wife.

People kept telling us dogs got out all the time. Somebody probably picked her up. Yorkies didn't make it far on their own. Keep checking shelters. Put her picture online.

They meant well.

They didn't know Dana.

More importantly, they didn't know what it had taken to get her back.

When I met my wife, she had more energy than anyone I'd ever known and apparently no interest in wasting it.

She worked in marketing for a medical-device company. By thirty she was managing people older than both of us. She ran half-marathons, remembered everyone's birthday and kept a calendar that looked like it required air-traffic control.

She was exhausting.

I loved her for it.

Work was the only thing we really fought about.

I'd make dinner and get a text at seven saying a meeting had run late. We'd make Saturday plans and she'd need to log in for twenty minutes, which had a strange tendency to become two hours.

Once, during an anniversary dinner, I realized we'd spent most of the appetizer talking about a presentation she had Monday.

"Why do you work this hard?" I asked.

"Because I like it."

"I know. But sometimes I feel like you're killing yourself for a job."

She looked at me. "That's dramatic."

"I miss you."

That stopped her.

Sometimes it seemed like her office got the best version of my wife and I got whatever was left at eight-thirty at night. She told me her career mattered to her, that she was good at what she did and wasn't going to apologize for caring about it.

I said I understood.

Usually I did.

For a while we had rats getting into the detached garage behind the house, and that somehow became my responsibility.

I'd promised to deal with them, then forgot.

One night Dana came home after nine and found droppings beside a bag of dog food we'd bought for her parents' Labrador.

"We have got to do something about this."

"I know."

"You've been saying that for a month."

"I'll do it tomorrow."

"You said that last week."

"I've been busy too, Dana."

She dropped her keys on the counter.

"Maybe that's why I stay at the office. At least they don't have rats."

It wasn't her best joke.

We laughed about it later.

The next morning I finally dealt with the problem. Traps, poison, cleaning out the back shelves.

Dana disliked the poison immediately.

"I hate having that in here."

"It's in the cabinet."

"What if something gets into it?"

"Then we'll keep the garage closed."

She gave me the look she used when I'd missed the point.

Later, after she got pregnant and we started childproofing the house, she made me go through the garage again—loose screws, nails, old traps, anything dangerous I might have forgotten back when there were no children to worry about.

Pregnancy was the first thing I'd ever seen make Dana slow down.

She was frightened almost immediately.

There were heart problems in her family. Not the clogged-artery sort everybody eventually worries about, but something congenital. Hereditary.

Her younger sister died when Dana was four. She remembered almost nothing about the girl herself. A yellow dress. Sharing a bedroom. The fact that she hated peas.

What Dana remembered was the night she died: her mother screaming, a paramedic stepping on one of Dana's toys, someone carrying her sister down the hallway with one tiny arm hanging loose.

So every appointment frightened her. Every test. Every pause before a doctor said everything looked fine.

Our daughter was born on a Tuesday morning in March.

Sophie.

Seven pounds, two ounces, an unreasonable amount of dark hair and a scream that sounded too large to have come from her.

When they put Sophie on Dana's chest, my wife cried so hard I thought something was wrong. Then I realized she was laughing too.

I'd never seen another person look that happy.

I loved Sophie from the moment I saw her. Before she existed there had been a version of my life without her, and after I met her that version became impossible to picture.

Dana took four months off work.

Those were probably the happiest months of our marriage.

I know how that sounds.

I'd come home and they'd be there—Dana on the couch with Sophie asleep against her chest, or Sophie kicking in the little vibrating chair while Dana cooked. We took walks after dinner. We ate together. Weekends belonged to us.

Sometimes I'd stand in the kitchen listening to Dana talk nonsense to the baby in the next room and think that this was what all of it had been for.

The house felt right with her in it.

A few months later Sophie started eating purées. Apple and cinnamon was the first one she really loved.

The first time Dana opened one of the jars, I could smell the cinnamon from across the kitchen.

"Maybe that's why the rats never came back," I said.

Dana looked over at me. "What?"

"Cinnamon. I read somewhere they hate it."

"We haven't had rats in two years."

"I know. Something about the smell being too strong." I shrugged. "Covers up whatever else they're trying to sniff out."

Dana stared at me.

"So Sophie is pest control now?"

"Finally earning her keep."

"You're horrible."

She was smiling when she said it.

Sophie saw the spoon coming and opened her mouth like a baby bird, then somehow got half of it on her cheeks anyway.

Dana laughed and wiped her chin.

After that she started calling her Cinnamon.

At first it was my little Cinnamon girl. Then just Cinnamon. Sometimes Cinny when Dana was tired.

"She's going to hate us when she's fifteen and we tell people about this," Dana said once.

"Then we won't tell anybody."

"I'm telling everybody."

"You're a terrible mother."

"I know."

Sophie slapped both hands into the tray and Dana laughed hard enough to nearly drop the spoon.

I remember that afternoon better than I remember most of that year.

The heart issue appeared during a routine appointment.

A murmur.

Maybe nothing, the pediatrician said. Maybe something.

A cardiologist found enough to watch but not enough to panic over, which meant Dana panicked constantly.

She wanted to know whether it was what her sister had. Whether she'd passed it to Sophie. Whether a baby with a heart problem could simply stop breathing in her sleep.

The doctor was careful with his answers.

I wasn't.

"She's fine," I'd tell Dana afterward.

"You don't know that."

"Neither do you."

"What if it's the same thing?"

"It isn't."

"How do you know?"

"Because I'm her dad and I've decided."

Sometimes that made her smile.

Dana extended her leave another month, then another.

Eventually her company began asking when she intended to return, and Dana decided she was ready.

She missed adult conversations. She missed dressing for somewhere other than Target. She missed being good at something that didn't involve keeping another human alive.

I told her we'd make it work.

Daycare three days a week. Dana's mother one day. I shifted my schedule when I could.

The first time she came home late again, I remember looking at the clock.

7:42.

Sophie was asleep against me and dinner had gone cold.

Dana came through the door apologizing, kissed the baby, kissed me and immediately started explaining some crisis at work.

"Five weeks back and they've already chained you to the desk."

She stopped.

"Don't start."

"I'm not starting anything."

"That tone is starting something."

"I don't have a tone."

"You absolutely have a tone."

Sophie woke before either of us could say anything else.

Dana had only been back at work a few weeks when she died.

We put Sophie down like normal.

That was the part Dana could never get past.

There had been no dramatic warning. No fever, no crying, nothing that would have made either of us sit beside the crib all night. She ate, played, fell asleep, and sometime before morning her heart stopped.

Dana found her.

I don't like remembering what happened after that.

The nursery was cold. Dana was making a sound I had never heard from another human being. Paramedics came. Police came. Our house filled with people while Sophie was somewhere else.

Someone went through the standard questions with us. Medications. Cleaning products. Anything unusual in the house. Anything she might have reached.

Dana answered most of them before I could.

"We babyproofed everything."

Then she looked at me.

I nodded.

With Sophie's heart and Dana's family history, everyone had an explanation ready.

Her sister had died young. Sophie's cardiologist had already found something worth monitoring. Sometimes these things happened suddenly, we were told. Sometimes there wasn't time to prevent them.

Dana heard something else.

You gave this to her.

And because she'd gone back to work, she found another way to blame herself.

"I should've been here."

"You were here."

"I mean with her."

"She was sleeping."

"What if I missed something?"

"You didn't."

"What if I hadn't gone back?"

"Dana."

"I left her."

"You went to work."

"I left her."

For years I told my wife the same things.

It wasn't your fault.

You couldn't have known.

You loved her.

There was nothing you could have done.

Going back to work did not kill our daughter.

Some nights I said it ten times.

Dana resigned two weeks after the funeral.

I was relieved.

That is one of the things I never told her.

Of course she couldn't have gone back then. Nobody could have. But some part of me was relieved there would be no deadlines, no meetings, no laptop chirping at nine at night.

I thought grief might force everything else to become smaller for a while.

I thought we'd simply exist together until we healed.

That isn't what happened.

The first year was unbearable.

The second was quieter.

Dana stopped seeing friends because most of them had children. Invitations stopped coming after enough polite refusals.

She didn't go back to work.

She didn't go much of anywhere.

I cooked and cleaned and handled bills. I sat with her when she couldn't sleep.

I learned there are only so many ways to answer the question, Do you think she knew I loved her?

Yes.

Always yes.

Of course she knew.

I loved my wife through all of it, but after a few years I began to resent the dead.

That's uglier than saying I was tired, but it's closer to the truth.

I resented Mother's Day. Sophie's birthday. The anniversary of the day she died. I resented strangers' children for having the wrong laugh in grocery stores.

Once, on what would have been Sophie's third birthday, Dana wanted to spend the evening looking through photographs.

I told her I had a headache.

I didn't.

I sat in the bedroom watching something stupid on my phone while my wife cried alone in the living room, and for almost twenty minutes I enjoyed the quiet.

I hated myself afterward.

Mostly.

More than anything, I missed my wife.

Not even the woman she'd been before Sophie. I knew we weren't getting that woman back.

I would've settled for someone who laughed occasionally. Someone who wanted to go to dinner. Someone who could sit through a stupid movie without disappearing halfway through it.

I lasted almost four years before I brought home Cinna.

She fit in one hand.

A coworker's sister had Yorkie puppies, and I'd gone over telling myself I was only looking. One climbed into my lap and fell asleep there.

I sent Dana a picture.

She replied:

No.

I brought the puppy home anyway.

For approximately five minutes, Dana was furious.

"We talked about this."

"No, I sent you a picture and you said no."

"That's generally considered talking."

"You haven't held her."

"I don't want to hold her."

"Fine."

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Hand me the dog while I'm telling you I don't want the dog."

I handed her the dog.

The puppy licked her chin.

Dana laughed.

Actually laughed.

Not the polite little breath she'd been using for years when she knew I was trying to cheer her up. A real laugh, sudden and surprised.

For one embarrassing second I thought I might cry.

The puppy didn't have a name yet.

I suggested Penny.

Dana suggested Cinna.

I knew immediately what she meant.

"No."

Her smile faltered. "What?"

"That's weird."

"It isn't weird."

"It's a little weird."

"It's after Cinnamon."

"I know what it's after."

Dana tucked the puppy against her chest. "I like it."

I remember looking at the two of them and thinking that naming a dog after our dead daughter was one grief-therapy exercise too far.

But Dana was smiling.

So Cinna it was.

And I have to give the little dog credit.

She accomplished what therapists, medication, family and I hadn't.

She gave Dana reasons to leave the house.

At first it was walks because Cinna refused to use the backyard. Once around the block became twice, then the park.

Dana started getting dressed earlier because Cinna woke at seven. She spoke to neighbors, then friends.

Pictures appeared on her phone that weren't old photographs of Sophie.

Dana and Cinna at the beach.

Cinna sitting upright in the passenger seat of Dana's car like a tiny disapproving grandmother.

Dana started cooking again. She played music in the kitchen. She made fun of me.

One night about six months ago she laughed so hard at something stupid I said that she snorted.

She clapped both hands over her face.

"Oh my God."

I couldn't stop smiling.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I missed that."

She knew what I meant.

She leaned over and kissed me.

For the first time in years, I thought maybe we'd made it.

After that, the walks got longer. She started having coffee with a woman two streets over who owned some kind of terrier. Once she and Cinna were gone almost three hours because they'd driven to a park across town.

I teased her about having a social life.

I was glad she did.

A few months later, I came home and found Dana at the kitchen table with her old laptop open.

"What are you doing?"

She tilted the screen away from me in a way that was meant to be playful.

"Nothing."

"That's suspicious."

"I'm updating my résumé."

I looked at the screen.

"Just updating it," she said.

"I didn't say anything."

"You did that thing with your face."

"What thing?"

"That thing."

"I don't have a thing."

"You absolutely have a thing."

She smiled and turned the laptop back around.

"I've been thinking maybe part-time. Or consulting. Something small."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be okay?"

She studied me for a second.

Then she kissed my cheek.

For the next week, the laptop stayed on the kitchen table.

I noticed that.

I also noticed she had started checking her email before breakfast.

Neither of those things meant anything.

Two weeks ago she had résumés printed on thick cream paper.

I told her they looked nice.

The afternoon Cinna disappeared, Dana had taken her into the backyard. Her phone rang and she stepped inside to answer it.

When she went back out, the side gate was open.

No Cinna.

We searched until after midnight.

The next morning we called every shelter within thirty miles. Dana posted everywhere she could think of. We drove slowly through streets with the windows down calling Cinna's name.

I kept telling her Yorkies got picked up. Someone probably had her.

That was better than imagining her on a road somewhere.

By the second day Dana wasn't eating unless I put something directly in front of her.

By the third she wasn't sleeping.

And suddenly it felt like five years ago.

The same frantic eyes. The same bargaining. The same certainty that if she did one more thing, searched one more street, something terrible could still be undone.

"What if somebody stole her?"

"I don't think anybody stole her."

"What if she got hurt?"

"We checked the roads."

"What if she's hiding somewhere?"

"Then somebody will find her."

"What if nobody does?"

"We'll keep looking."

This morning the printer finally ran out of paper.

Even that didn't stop her.

She started feeding in the backs of the résumés she'd had printed two weeks ago, and I sat at the kitchen table cutting tabs while Cinna's face came out on one side and Dana's old life remained neatly formatted on the other.

Job titles.

Promotions.

Awards.

Eleven years of experience.

One page after another disappeared beneath MISSING YORKIE.

I didn't say anything.

It's almost ten now and Dana is still out.

I texted her fifteen minutes ago and told her to come home because it's still ninety-one degrees outside. She replied that she has one more street left, which, knowing my wife, means at least three.

I put a bottle of water in the refrigerator for her. She likes it almost frozen.

There's dinner in the microwave too. She probably won't eat, but I'll make her try.

Tomorrow I'll convince her to stay home for a few hours. Maybe we'll call the shelters together.

I'll drive this time.

She's exhausted, and the heat worries me.

The heat has been worrying me for another reason too.

The garage sits at the back of the yard, separate from the house. There's almost no insulation in there, and the little vent above the side door doesn't do much once the sun has been on the roof all afternoon.

I thought I had longer.

Apparently I didn't.

The smell is bad now.

You can't smell it from the house. You can't even smell it standing a few feet outside the garage.

But open the door and it's there.

Dana hasn't been inside since the first day, when we were still grabbing leashes and flashlights and anything else we thought might help us find Cinna.

She hasn't noticed.

Still, I can't leave her there another day.

Cinna is behind the plastic storage bins along the back wall, wrapped in one of our old moving blankets.

She's so small that hiding her wasn't difficult.

The hard part has been listening to Dana call for her.

Yesterday evening she stood at the end of the driveway shaking the bag of treats.

She called Cinna's name.

Waited.

Called again.

Then finally shouted, "Come home!" into a street that had already gone quiet.

I went inside before she did.

I'll move Cinna tonight after Dana falls asleep.

There's a road about a mile from here where people drive too fast. No sidewalk for part of it, only dry brush and a narrow shoulder.

I'll leave her near there before morning.

Nothing elaborate.

Dana doesn't need an investigation.

She needs an answer.

The gate was open.

Cinna got out.

She wandered too far.

Not knowing is worse.

Give someone an answer and eventually they learn to live around it.

Dana already has.

I hate that she's going to hurt.

But she'll recover.

Cinna proved she can.

I'll cook. I'll sit up with her when she can't sleep. I'll remind her to eat. I'll tell her the gate wasn't her fault, that she couldn't have known, that there was nothing she could have done.

I'll say it as many times as she needs.

Eventually we'll be okay again.

We always are.

Before I move Cinna, I should clean up the garage.

Dana hasn't noticed the cabinet over the workbench is unlocked.

Years ago, when we childproofed the house, she made me promise there was nothing dangerous left in there.

I told her there wasn't.

Most of what I'd bought for the rats is gone now. The traps rusted. The cleaning supplies got used.

There are only a few things shoved behind old paint cans and extension cords, including one battered cardboard box I should have thrown away a long time ago.

I'll get rid of that too.

No reason to keep it.

Funny.

I used to think Cinna was a terrible name. Too morbid, I told Dana. Too much history to hang around the neck of an eight-pound dog.

I suppose I owe my wife an apology.

Both her girls always did love cinnamon.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 2 days ago

Heavy Is The Head

By the time Reyes was called downstairs, the dead had already been covered.

Nine men had died in the warehouse and three more at the house by the river. The warehouse floor still smelled of gunpowder, hot metal, and the industrial cleaner someone had poured too generously across the concrete. Pink water crawled toward a drain beneath the loading dock.

Men moved around the covered bodies without looking directly at them, speaking into phones or carrying ammunition from one side of the building to the other.

Reyes had stopped asking for names after the seventh.

Names complicated things. Numbers could be replaced, divided, written into ledgers. Twelve men lost. Three vehicles. Two locations compromised.

Those were problems a man could solve.

Names belonged to people who would remember them.

He passed one of the bodies on his way toward the stairs and recognized the boots sticking from beneath the plastic.

He did not slow down.

Salgado waited below with Ortega and Chuy.

Chuy still had blood on one sleeve and was chewing the inside of his cheek, the way he did whenever something refused to make sense. Ortega had a rosary wound around his fist so tightly the beads had marked his palm.

Salgado held his nephew Daniel’s silver lighter.

Reyes remembered when Daniel had bought it. The boy—though he had been twenty-four by then—had flicked it open three times in Reyes’s office to show off the engraving. His initials on one side, a small crown on the other.

Salgado had complained about the crown. Said Daniel thought joining the organization made him royalty.

Reyes had laughed.

Salgado opened and closed the lighter now with his thumb.

They had found it at the river house.

The prisoner sat tied to a metal chair in the storage room.

Someone had stripped off his jacket. Salgado had already worked on him. One eye was swollen nearly shut, and dark blood had dried from his nose to the collar of his shirt.

What bothered Reyes was not that the man had been beaten.

It was how comfortable he looked afterward.

His breathing was slow. His shoulders rested against the chair. He did not pull against the ropes or test the knots.

He sat like somebody waiting for a bus.

“He won’t talk,” Salgado said. “Says his name is Miguel. Says he only talks to you.”

Reyes studied him.

Something about the face bothered him.

For half a second he remembered his grandmother’s kitchen: copal smoke drifting above the stove, bowls of salt beneath the windows, clay figures blackened by decades of candle soot. She had filled the house with things his mother called superstition and his grandmother called manners.

Once, after a funeral, she had stopped Reyes on the porch and made him wash his hands in water that smelled of herbs before she let him inside.

The dead know what follows them, she had said.

He pushed the memory away.

“You asked for me?”

Miguel raised his good eye.

“Finally.”

“You know who I am?”

“I know what you cost.”

Reyes dragged over a folding chair and sat backward on it, resting his arms across the back. He had done it for years.

People found it unnerving when the man asking the questions looked relaxed.

“Who ordered the attack?”

Miguel lowered his gaze to the floor between them.

“Before this night is over, your blood will touch that concrete.”

Reyes smiled.

Nobody else did.

“You’re tied to a chair in my building.”

“Yes.”

“And you think I’m the one in danger?”

Miguel looked up again.

“No.”

A pause.

“I know you are.”

Reyes nodded to Salgado.

Salgado stepped forward.

“Mateo said he was cold.”

Salgado stopped before the blow landed.

Miguel turned his head slightly toward him.

“He said it twice. The second time, you told him to shut up because you didn’t want the others hearing him cry.”

For a moment Salgado seemed not to understand the words.

Then something emptied from his face.

“Who told you that?”

“Mateo.”

Salgado hit him hard enough to turn the chair sideways. Miguel’s head snapped with the blow. Fresh blood appeared at the corner of his mouth.

“My brother’s been dead eleven years.”

“I know.”

Ortega crossed himself.

Then, almost angrily, he lowered the rosary.

“Anybody could know a family story.”

Chuy nodded too quickly. “Somebody talked.”

Miguel looked at him.

Chuy stopped chewing his cheek.

“Last Tuesday,” Miguel said, “your daughter told you there was something under her bed.”

Chuy’s expression changed.

“You told her monsters weren’t real.”

Miguel smiled faintly through the blood on his teeth.

“Then you checked anyway.”

Nobody spoke.

“Twice.”

Chuy’s hand drifted toward the radio clipped to his belt, as though remembering it existed could make the room ordinary again.

“Wiretap,” he said. “Phone. House. Something.”

“Then keep listening.”

Reyes stood.

“Enough.”

He had spent most of his life around frightened men. Give fear an explanation and men would feed it until they could no longer tell which one was keeping the other alive.

“Who gave you the warehouse?”

“The warehouse wasn’t discovered,” Miguel said.

His good eye settled on Reyes.

“It was given.”

The room seemed smaller.

Miguel did not look at Salgado or Chuy when he spoke again.

He watched Reyes.

“Four men were pulled from the west entrance yesterday afternoon. The river convoy changed route at six forty. Your strongest crew was sent away twelve minutes before the first shots.”

The lighter stopped clicking.

Chuy looked at Reyes.

“You said federales were watching the west road.”

“They were.”

“I checked every band afterward. Federal, municipal, private. Nothing.”

“They were smart enough not to announce themselves.”

“And the convoy?”

“Intelligence changed.”

“How?”

Reyes looked at him.

That should have been enough.

Usually it was.

Miguel watched the exchange with an expression almost too mild to be called amusement.

Reyes felt anger rise, welcome and familiar. Anger gave a room edges again. It reminded men where they were supposed to stand.

“You don’t know anything.”

“Ramón thought the same.”

Reyes went still.

It lasted less than a second.

Miguel noticed.

So did Chuy.

Salgado turned from the lighter.

“Who’s Ramón?”

“Nobody.”

Miguel said, “He carried locations.”

Reyes crossed the room and seized him by the throat. The chair scraped backward beneath Miguel’s weight.

“You shut your fucking mouth.”

Miguel’s voice came strained beneath his hand.

“He asked if you would sell him too.”

Reyes squeezed harder.

For the first time Miguel’s breath hitched. His face darkened, but there was still no panic in it.

Reyes had choked men before.

There was always a moment when the body betrayed whatever courage the mind had rehearsed.

Miguel only looked at him.

Then he whispered:

“You never answered him.”

Reyes released him.

Miguel coughed once and settled back against the chair.

Salgado was no longer looking at the prisoner.

“The attack was coming either way,” Reyes said.

Silence.

He heard his own words hanging there and realized too late that nobody had asked.

Chuy’s cheek stopped moving.

“What attack?”

“The other side had been looking for an excuse for months.”

“And our best crew just happens to leave twelve minutes before they find one?”

“Watch yourself.”

Chuy did.

He took one step back.

Not fear.

Distance.

Reyes knew what distance became if you let it grow. A man could stand beside you for fifteen years until one night he discovered he had been across from you for months.

“This is what he wants,” Reyes said, pointing at Miguel. “He gives you half a story and waits for you to invent the rest.”

Miguel said nothing.

That was worse.

Salgado opened Daniel’s lighter.

Click.

He shut it.

“What did you know?”

Reyes looked at the lighter.

“There was a security contract coming into the region. Cameras. Patrol systems. Plate readers. A contractor owed me.”

Chuy stared at him.

“You bought in.”

“I bought access.”

“With whose money?”

“Ours.”

Ortega’s fingers stopped on the rosary.

Reyes could feel the room turning, so he did what he had always done when men around him became uncertain.

He explained.

“If the contract went through, we got schedules before the patrols had them. Camera placements before the poles went up. Routes they couldn’t watch because we’d know where they were looking.”

Chuy stared at him for another second.

Then he understood.

“The contract was stalled.”

Reyes said nothing.

“No emergency money. No pressure.”

Chuy looked toward the ceiling, toward the bodies above them.

“Until tonight.”

“The attack was coming anyway.”

There it was again.

Smaller this time.

Almost pathetic.

In Reyes’s head it had been arithmetic.

One controlled loss. Years of access afterward. Routes no camera could surprise. Warehouses no raid could find.

Men safer tomorrow because some had stood in the wrong place tonight.

He had called that leadership.

Leadership meant choosing the cost before the cost chose you.

Salgado opened the lighter again, but this time his thumb did not strike the wheel.

“Did you give them the river house?”

“No.”

Too fast.

Nobody moved.

Reyes saw Chuy notice.

Saw Ortega lower his eyes.

Saw Salgado’s thumb settle against the little crown engraved into the silver.

“I gave them a window,” Reyes said. “A route. Not the house.”

“You gave them a route Daniel was on.”

“I didn’t know Daniel would be there.”

“You knew somebody would.”

“The attack was going to happen somewhere. This way we controlled where.”

Chuy gave a short laugh without humor.

“You controlled it?”

“If it worked, they got one clean hit. We answered. The contract moved. After that we had eyes inside the system.”

“You fed them our people.”

“I protected the organization.”

“Daniel is dead,” Salgado said.

Reyes looked at him.

For an instant he saw the younger Salgado sitting beside him in the back of a stolen Buick twenty-two years earlier, both of them bleeding after their first job together.

Daniel at thirteen carrying beer to the older men during a barbecue.

Daniel at eighteen asking Reyes if Salgado would ever let him work.

Daniel at twenty-four snapping that stupid lighter open in Reyes’s office.

Reyes pushed the memories where he had pushed the others.

“I didn’t know he would be there.”

Miguel’s silence filled the room.

Reyes reached for the certainty he had carried downstairs.

It was gone.

He drew his pistol.

“This ends now.”

Miguel did not flinch.

“You said I die tonight,” Reyes said. “Let’s see which of us was wrong.”

Miguel looked almost tired.

“You can shoot me.”

Something about the answer unsettled Reyes more than a threat would have.

Chuy said, “Who the fuck are you?”

“Miguel.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“I know.”

Miguel turned his eyes back to Reyes.

For the first time, Reyes noticed the room smelled faintly of smoke.

Not cigarettes.

Not gunpowder.

Something sweeter.

Earthier.

Copal.

His grandmother’s kitchen returned whole.

Smoke curling toward the ceiling.

Salt beneath the windows.

Funeral candles.

Her hand closing around his wrist when he reached toward a clay figure with a skull face and open jaws.

Not that one.

He had asked why.

His grandmother had crouched beside him until their faces were level. For once there had been no softness in her expression.

She whispered a name he spent the rest of his life trying to forget.

Behind him, Ortega inhaled sharply.

Reyes looked at him.

The old man’s face had gone gray.

His rosary hung forgotten at his side.

“No,” Ortega whispered.

Chuy turned. “What?”

Ortega stared at Miguel.

When he spoke again, the word barely left his mouth.

“Mictlantecuhtli.”

The name landed in Reyes like something remembered by the body before the mind.

Miguel watched recognition arrive.

“Your grandmother knew better than you.”

Reyes’s mouth went dry.

Behind Miguel came a faint sound.

Fabric moving, perhaps.

Or someone breathing.

Reyes looked toward the empty corner.

Nothing stood there.

“Mateo spoke,” Miguel said.

His eyes moved to Salgado.

“Ramón spoke.”

Then to Daniel’s lighter.

“Daniel is speaking now.”

Salgado looked at Reyes.

That was when Reyes lost him.

Not because Miguel had proved what he was.

Because Reyes had already proved what he had done.

Reyes raised the pistol.

“Shoot him.”

Nobody moved.

“I said shoot him.”

The authority in his voice was gone.

He heard that too.

He swung toward Salgado.

“I can fix this.”

Salgado drew his gun.

Reyes stopped.

“You want the east routes? Take them. You want money? Triple Daniel’s share. I’ll take care of his mother.”

Salgado stared at him.

“We’ve known each other twenty-two years.”

For the first time that night, Reyes was not speaking as a boss.

Salgado looked down at the lighter once.

Then back at him.

“His name was Daniel.”

The gun went off.

The first shot struck Reyes in the chest and turned him sideways.

Then Chuy fired.

Reyes never knew whether Chuy meant to follow Salgado or simply understood that the room had already chosen.

He hit the floor hard.

For several seconds he could not understand why the ceiling had moved so far away.

He tried to breathe and heard something wet inside his chest.

Warmth spread beneath him.

His blood.

Touching the concrete.

Across the room, Miguel stood.

The ropes lay beside the chair.

Chuy stared at them.

“No.”

Not at Miguel.

At the room.

“There’s a trick. Wire. Blade. Something.”

Ortega was already backing toward the door, prayer spilling from his mouth in one unbroken breath.

Reyes wanted Chuy to be right.

Ramón could have left records.

Someone could have talked.

Miguel could have slipped the ropes while they argued.

Chuy’s house could have been watched.

His grandmother had filled his childhood with superstition because frightened people gave names to darkness and mistook the naming for understanding.

There was an explanation.

There was always an explanation.

Shock could make a dying man hear things.

Like whispering beneath the floor.

At first it was too faint to understand.

Reyes thought one of the men upstairs had turned on a radio.

Then another voice joined it.

Then another.

The sound multiplied until it seemed to come from everywhere beneath him.

Many voices.

Too many.

A dark line appeared beneath his blood.

At first Reyes thought it was a crack.

Then another opened.

Thin black seams branched through the concrete like roots finding water.

The floor shuddered.

Dust drifted from the ceiling.

Somewhere above them, men shouted.

Chuy stopped looking for a wire.

Miguel walked toward Reyes.

No one tried to stop him.

With every step, the smell of copal grew stronger.

He stopped beside Reyes and looked down.

For an instant, when the overhead light flickered, his face seemed thinner than before.

The skin across his cheek pulled tight over something pale and patient beneath it.

The light went out.

In the darkness, Reyes heard Salgado say Daniel’s name.

Then his grandmother returned to him—not her face, but her hands pressing his small fingers away from the altar.

Do not touch what remembers you.

The concrete split beneath his blood.

From somewhere deep below came a sound like thousands of voices drawing breath.

The earth opened beneath him.

Reyes finally understood.

The dead had not come for revenge.

They had come to collect.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 2 days ago

Heavy Is The Head

By the time Reyes was called downstairs, the dead had already been covered.

Nine men had died in the warehouse and three more at the house by the river. The warehouse floor still smelled of gunpowder, hot metal, and the industrial cleaner someone had poured too generously across the concrete. Pink water crawled toward a drain beneath the loading dock.

Men moved around the covered bodies without looking directly at them, speaking into phones or carrying ammunition from one side of the building to the other.

Reyes had stopped asking for names after the seventh.

Names complicated things. Numbers could be replaced, divided, written into ledgers. Twelve men lost. Three vehicles. Two locations compromised.

Those were problems a man could solve.

Names belonged to people who would remember them.

He passed one of the bodies on his way toward the stairs and recognized the boots sticking from beneath the plastic.

He did not slow down.

Salgado waited below with Ortega and Chuy.

Chuy still had blood on one sleeve and was chewing the inside of his cheek, the way he did whenever something refused to make sense. Ortega had a rosary wound around his fist so tightly the beads had marked his palm.

Salgado held his nephew Daniel’s silver lighter.

Reyes remembered when Daniel had bought it. The boy—though he had been twenty-four by then—had flicked it open three times in Reyes’s office to show off the engraving. His initials on one side, a small crown on the other.

Salgado had complained about the crown. Said Daniel thought joining the organization made him royalty.

Reyes had laughed.

Salgado opened and closed the lighter now with his thumb.

They had found it at the river house.

The prisoner sat tied to a metal chair in the storage room.

Someone had stripped off his jacket. Salgado had already worked on him. One eye was swollen nearly shut, and dark blood had dried from his nose to the collar of his shirt.

What bothered Reyes was not that the man had been beaten.

It was how comfortable he looked afterward.

His breathing was slow. His shoulders rested against the chair. He did not pull against the ropes or test the knots.

He sat like somebody waiting for a bus.

“He won’t talk,” Salgado said. “Says his name is Miguel. Says he only talks to you.”

Reyes studied him.

Something about the face bothered him.

For half a second he remembered his grandmother’s kitchen: copal smoke drifting above the stove, bowls of salt beneath the windows, clay figures blackened by decades of candle soot. She had filled the house with things his mother called superstition and his grandmother called manners.

Once, after a funeral, she had stopped Reyes on the porch and made him wash his hands in water that smelled of herbs before she let him inside.

The dead know what follows them, she had said.

He pushed the memory away.

“You asked for me?”

Miguel raised his good eye.

“Finally.”

“You know who I am?”

“I know what you cost.”

Reyes dragged over a folding chair and sat backward on it, resting his arms across the back. He had done it for years.

People found it unnerving when the man asking the questions looked relaxed.

“Who ordered the attack?”

Miguel lowered his gaze to the floor between them.

“Before this night is over, your blood will touch that concrete.”

Reyes smiled.

Nobody else did.

“You’re tied to a chair in my building.”

“Yes.”

“And you think I’m the one in danger?”

Miguel looked up again.

“No.”

A pause.

“I know you are.”

Reyes nodded to Salgado.

Salgado stepped forward.

“Mateo said he was cold.”

Salgado stopped before the blow landed.

Miguel turned his head slightly toward him.

“He said it twice. The second time, you told him to shut up because you didn’t want the others hearing him cry.”

For a moment Salgado seemed not to understand the words.

Then something emptied from his face.

“Who told you that?”

“Mateo.”

Salgado hit him hard enough to turn the chair sideways. Miguel’s head snapped with the blow. Fresh blood appeared at the corner of his mouth.

“My brother’s been dead eleven years.”

“I know.”

Ortega crossed himself.

Then, almost angrily, he lowered the rosary.

“Anybody could know a family story.”

Chuy nodded too quickly. “Somebody talked.”

Miguel looked at him.

Chuy stopped chewing his cheek.

“Last Tuesday,” Miguel said, “your daughter told you there was something under her bed.”

Chuy’s expression changed.

“You told her monsters weren’t real.”

Miguel smiled faintly through the blood on his teeth.

“Then you checked anyway.”

Nobody spoke.

“Twice.”

Chuy’s hand drifted toward the radio clipped to his belt, as though remembering it existed could make the room ordinary again.

“Wiretap,” he said. “Phone. House. Something.”

“Then keep listening.”

Reyes stood.

“Enough.”

He had spent most of his life around frightened men. Give fear an explanation and men would feed it until they could no longer tell which one was keeping the other alive.

“Who gave you the warehouse?”

“The warehouse wasn’t discovered,” Miguel said.

His good eye settled on Reyes.

“It was given.”

The room seemed smaller.

Miguel did not look at Salgado or Chuy when he spoke again.

He watched Reyes.

“Four men were pulled from the west entrance yesterday afternoon. The river convoy changed route at six forty. Your strongest crew was sent away twelve minutes before the first shots.”

The lighter stopped clicking.

Chuy looked at Reyes.

“You said federales were watching the west road.”

“They were.”

“I checked every band afterward. Federal, municipal, private. Nothing.”

“They were smart enough not to announce themselves.”

“And the convoy?”

“Intelligence changed.”

“How?”

Reyes looked at him.

That should have been enough.

Usually it was.

Miguel watched the exchange with an expression almost too mild to be called amusement.

Reyes felt anger rise, welcome and familiar. Anger gave a room edges again. It reminded men where they were supposed to stand.

“You don’t know anything.”

“Ramón thought the same.”

Reyes went still.

It lasted less than a second.

Miguel noticed.

So did Chuy.

Salgado turned from the lighter.

“Who’s Ramón?”

“Nobody.”

Miguel said, “He carried locations.”

Reyes crossed the room and seized him by the throat. The chair scraped backward beneath Miguel’s weight.

“You shut your fucking mouth.”

Miguel’s voice came strained beneath his hand.

“He asked if you would sell him too.”

Reyes squeezed harder.

For the first time Miguel’s breath hitched. His face darkened, but there was still no panic in it.

Reyes had choked men before.

There was always a moment when the body betrayed whatever courage the mind had rehearsed.

Miguel only looked at him.

Then he whispered:

“You never answered him.”

Reyes released him.

Miguel coughed once and settled back against the chair.

Salgado was no longer looking at the prisoner.

“The attack was coming either way,” Reyes said.

Silence.

He heard his own words hanging there and realized too late that nobody had asked.

Chuy’s cheek stopped moving.

“What attack?”

“The other side had been looking for an excuse for months.”

“And our best crew just happens to leave twelve minutes before they find one?”

“Watch yourself.”

Chuy did.

He took one step back.

Not fear.

Distance.

Reyes knew what distance became if you let it grow. A man could stand beside you for fifteen years until one night he discovered he had been across from you for months.

“This is what he wants,” Reyes said, pointing at Miguel. “He gives you half a story and waits for you to invent the rest.”

Miguel said nothing.

That was worse.

Salgado opened Daniel’s lighter.

Click.

He shut it.

“What did you know?”

Reyes looked at the lighter.

“There was a security contract coming into the region. Cameras. Patrol systems. Plate readers. A contractor owed me.”

Chuy stared at him.

“You bought in.”

“I bought access.”

“With whose money?”

“Ours.”

Ortega’s fingers stopped on the rosary.

Reyes could feel the room turning, so he did what he had always done when men around him became uncertain.

He explained.

“If the contract went through, we got schedules before the patrols had them. Camera placements before the poles went up. Routes they couldn’t watch because we’d know where they were looking.”

Chuy stared at him for another second.

Then he understood.

“The contract was stalled.”

Reyes said nothing.

“No emergency money. No pressure.”

Chuy looked toward the ceiling, toward the bodies above them.

“Until tonight.”

“The attack was coming anyway.”

There it was again.

Smaller this time.

Almost pathetic.

In Reyes’s head it had been arithmetic.

One controlled loss. Years of access afterward. Routes no camera could surprise. Warehouses no raid could find.

Men safer tomorrow because some had stood in the wrong place tonight.

He had called that leadership.

Leadership meant choosing the cost before the cost chose you.

Salgado opened the lighter again, but this time his thumb did not strike the wheel.

“Did you give them the river house?”

“No.”

Too fast.

Nobody moved.

Reyes saw Chuy notice.

Saw Ortega lower his eyes.

Saw Salgado’s thumb settle against the little crown engraved into the silver.

“I gave them a window,” Reyes said. “A route. Not the house.”

“You gave them a route Daniel was on.”

“I didn’t know Daniel would be there.”

“You knew somebody would.”

“The attack was going to happen somewhere. This way we controlled where.”

Chuy gave a short laugh without humor.

“You controlled it?”

“If it worked, they got one clean hit. We answered. The contract moved. After that we had eyes inside the system.”

“You fed them our people.”

“I protected the organization.”

“Daniel is dead,” Salgado said.

Reyes looked at him.

For an instant he saw the younger Salgado sitting beside him in the back of a stolen Buick twenty-two years earlier, both of them bleeding after their first job together.

Daniel at thirteen carrying beer to the older men during a barbecue.

Daniel at eighteen asking Reyes if Salgado would ever let him work.

Daniel at twenty-four snapping that stupid lighter open in Reyes’s office.

Reyes pushed the memories where he had pushed the others.

“I didn’t know he would be there.”

Miguel’s silence filled the room.

Reyes reached for the certainty he had carried downstairs.

It was gone.

He drew his pistol.

“This ends now.”

Miguel did not flinch.

“You said I die tonight,” Reyes said. “Let’s see which of us was wrong.”

Miguel looked almost tired.

“You can shoot me.”

Something about the answer unsettled Reyes more than a threat would have.

Chuy said, “Who the fuck are you?”

“Miguel.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“I know.”

Miguel turned his eyes back to Reyes.

For the first time, Reyes noticed the room smelled faintly of smoke.

Not cigarettes.

Not gunpowder.

Something sweeter.

Earthier.

Copal.

His grandmother’s kitchen returned whole.

Smoke curling toward the ceiling.

Salt beneath the windows.

Funeral candles.

Her hand closing around his wrist when he reached toward a clay figure with a skull face and open jaws.

Not that one.

He had asked why.

His grandmother had crouched beside him until their faces were level. For once there had been no softness in her expression.

She whispered a name he spent the rest of his life trying to forget.

Behind him, Ortega inhaled sharply.

Reyes looked at him.

The old man’s face had gone gray.

His rosary hung forgotten at his side.

“No,” Ortega whispered.

Chuy turned. “What?”

Ortega stared at Miguel.

When he spoke again, the word barely left his mouth.

“Mictlantecuhtli.”

The name landed in Reyes like something remembered by the body before the mind.

Miguel watched recognition arrive.

“Your grandmother knew better than you.”

Reyes’s mouth went dry.

Behind Miguel came a faint sound.

Fabric moving, perhaps.

Or someone breathing.

Reyes looked toward the empty corner.

Nothing stood there.

“Mateo spoke,” Miguel said.

His eyes moved to Salgado.

“Ramón spoke.”

Then to Daniel’s lighter.

“Daniel is speaking now.”

Salgado looked at Reyes.

That was when Reyes lost him.

Not because Miguel had proved what he was.

Because Reyes had already proved what he had done.

Reyes raised the pistol.

“Shoot him.”

Nobody moved.

“I said shoot him.”

The authority in his voice was gone.

He heard that too.

He swung toward Salgado.

“I can fix this.”

Salgado drew his gun.

Reyes stopped.

“You want the east routes? Take them. You want money? Triple Daniel’s share. I’ll take care of his mother.”

Salgado stared at him.

“We’ve known each other twenty-two years.”

For the first time that night, Reyes was not speaking as a boss.

Salgado looked down at the lighter once.

Then back at him.

“His name was Daniel.”

The gun went off.

The first shot struck Reyes in the chest and turned him sideways.

Then Chuy fired.

Reyes never knew whether Chuy meant to follow Salgado or simply understood that the room had already chosen.

He hit the floor hard.

For several seconds he could not understand why the ceiling had moved so far away.

He tried to breathe and heard something wet inside his chest.

Warmth spread beneath him.

His blood.

Touching the concrete.

Across the room, Miguel stood.

The ropes lay beside the chair.

Chuy stared at them.

“No.”

Not at Miguel.

At the room.

“There’s a trick. Wire. Blade. Something.”

Ortega was already backing toward the door, prayer spilling from his mouth in one unbroken breath.

Reyes wanted Chuy to be right.

Ramón could have left records.

Someone could have talked.

Miguel could have slipped the ropes while they argued.

Chuy’s house could have been watched.

His grandmother had filled his childhood with superstition because frightened people gave names to darkness and mistook the naming for understanding.

There was an explanation.

There was always an explanation.

Shock could make a dying man hear things.

Like whispering beneath the floor.

At first it was too faint to understand.

Reyes thought one of the men upstairs had turned on a radio.

Then another voice joined it.

Then another.

The sound multiplied until it seemed to come from everywhere beneath him.

Many voices.

Too many.

A dark line appeared beneath his blood.

At first Reyes thought it was a crack.

Then another opened.

Thin black seams branched through the concrete like roots finding water.

The floor shuddered.

Dust drifted from the ceiling.

Somewhere above them, men shouted.

Chuy stopped looking for a wire.

Miguel walked toward Reyes.

No one tried to stop him.

With every step, the smell of copal grew stronger.

He stopped beside Reyes and looked down.

For an instant, when the overhead light flickered, his face seemed thinner than before.

The skin across his cheek pulled tight over something pale and patient beneath it.

The light went out.

In the darkness, Reyes heard Salgado say Daniel’s name.

Then his grandmother returned to him—not her face, but her hands pressing his small fingers away from the altar.

Do not touch what remembers you.

The concrete split beneath his blood.

From somewhere deep below came a sound like thousands of voices drawing breath.

The earth opened beneath him.

Reyes finally understood.

The dead had not come for revenge.

They had come to collect.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 2 days ago

Cinnamon

My wife printed one hundred and eighty-six missing-dog flyers today.

I know because I counted them, though not on purpose. I was sitting at the kitchen table cutting the tabs along the bottom—the ones with her phone number printed vertically—and counting gave me something to do besides watch her come apart.

Across the top of every page, in a font much larger than necessary, she'd written:

MISSING YORKIE — PLEASE HELP US BRING CINNA HOME

Underneath was a picture from last Christmas. Cinna sat on the arm of our couch in a red sweater, one ear standing straight up and the other folded over. She always looked irritated in pictures, which was funny because she was probably the sweetest dog I'd ever known.

Below the picture Dana had listed everything strangers needed to know: eight pounds, tan and gray, pink collar, very friendly, might be scared.

At the bottom, in bold:

SHE IS OUR FAMILY.

Dana stood at the counter feeding sheets through the paper cutter one at a time. She hadn't slept properly in three nights. Her hair was still twisted into yesterday's knot, and there were dark circles beneath her eyes.

"That's enough," I told her.

She kept cutting.

"Dana."

"I heard you."

"It's supposed to hit a hundred and two today."

"I know."

"You've already done the whole neighborhood."

"I haven't done the apartments behind the elementary school."

"You did those yesterday."

"I did the front building."

She slid another flyer beneath the blade. I reached across the table and put my hand on the remaining stack.

"Please. Take an hour."

"What if somebody saw her and they don't have one of these?"

"You've put them on every telephone pole from here to Chapman."

"Then I'll go farther."

There was no anger in her voice. I almost wished there had been.

I let go of the stack and told her to take water. She said she would. I reminded her she'd said the same thing yesterday and had come home with nearly a full bottle.

That got the smallest smile.

"Okay, Dad."

"I mean it."

"I know."

She bent down, kissed the top of my head, gathered another armful of flyers and left.

I watched from the front window until she disappeared around the corner.

Cinna had been gone for three days, and I could already see what it was doing to my wife.

People kept telling us dogs got out all the time. Somebody probably picked her up. Yorkies didn't make it far on their own. Keep checking shelters. Put her picture online.

They meant well.

They didn't know Dana.

More importantly, they didn't know what it had taken to get her back.

When I met my wife, she had more energy than anyone I'd ever known and apparently no interest in wasting it.

She worked in marketing for a medical-device company. By thirty she was managing people older than both of us. She ran half-marathons, remembered everyone's birthday and kept a calendar that looked like it required air-traffic control.

She was exhausting.

I loved her for it.

Work was the only thing we really fought about.

I'd make dinner and get a text at seven saying a meeting had run late. We'd make Saturday plans and she'd need to log in for twenty minutes, which had a strange tendency to become two hours.

Once, during an anniversary dinner, I realized we'd spent most of the appetizer talking about a presentation she had Monday.

"Why do you work this hard?" I asked.

"Because I like it."

"I know. But sometimes I feel like you're killing yourself for a job."

She looked at me. "That's dramatic."

"I miss you."

That stopped her.

Sometimes it seemed like her office got the best version of my wife and I got whatever was left at eight-thirty at night. She told me her career mattered to her, that she was good at what she did and wasn't going to apologize for caring about it.

I said I understood.

Usually I did.

For a while we had rats getting into the detached garage behind the house, and that somehow became my responsibility.

I'd promised to deal with them, then forgot.

One night Dana came home after nine and found droppings beside a bag of dog food we'd bought for her parents' Labrador.

"We have got to do something about this."

"I know."

"You've been saying that for a month."

"I'll do it tomorrow."

"You said that last week."

"I've been busy too, Dana."

She dropped her keys on the counter.

"Maybe that's why I stay at the office. At least they don't have rats."

It wasn't her best joke.

We laughed about it later.

The next morning I finally dealt with the problem. Traps, poison, cleaning out the back shelves.

Dana disliked the poison immediately.

"I hate having that in here."

"It's in the cabinet."

"What if something gets into it?"

"Then we'll keep the garage closed."

She gave me the look she used when I'd missed the point.

Later, after she got pregnant and we started childproofing the house, she made me go through the garage again—loose screws, nails, old traps, anything dangerous I might have forgotten back when there were no children to worry about.

Pregnancy was the first thing I'd ever seen make Dana slow down.

She was frightened almost immediately.

There were heart problems in her family. Not the clogged-artery sort everybody eventually worries about, but something congenital. Hereditary.

Her younger sister died when Dana was four. She remembered almost nothing about the girl herself. A yellow dress. Sharing a bedroom. The fact that she hated peas.

What Dana remembered was the night she died: her mother screaming, a paramedic stepping on one of Dana's toys, someone carrying her sister down the hallway with one tiny arm hanging loose.

So every appointment frightened her. Every test. Every pause before a doctor said everything looked fine.

Our daughter was born on a Tuesday morning in March.

Sophie.

Seven pounds, two ounces, an unreasonable amount of dark hair and a scream that sounded too large to have come from her.

When they put Sophie on Dana's chest, my wife cried so hard I thought something was wrong. Then I realized she was laughing too.

I'd never seen another person look that happy.

I loved Sophie from the moment I saw her. Before she existed there had been a version of my life without her, and after I met her that version became impossible to picture.

Dana took four months off work.

Those were probably the happiest months of our marriage.

I know how that sounds.

I'd come home and they'd be there—Dana on the couch with Sophie asleep against her chest, or Sophie kicking in the little vibrating chair while Dana cooked. We took walks after dinner. We ate together. Weekends belonged to us.

Sometimes I'd stand in the kitchen listening to Dana talk nonsense to the baby in the next room and think that this was what all of it had been for.

The house felt right with her in it.

A few months later Sophie started eating purées. Apple and cinnamon was the first one she really loved.

The first time Dana opened one of the jars, I could smell the cinnamon from across the kitchen.

"Maybe that's why the rats never came back," I said.

Dana looked over at me. "What?"

"Cinnamon. I read somewhere they hate it."

"We haven't had rats in two years."

"I know. Something about the smell being too strong." I shrugged. "Covers up whatever else they're trying to sniff out."

Dana stared at me.

"So Sophie is pest control now?"

"Finally earning her keep."

"You're horrible."

She was smiling when she said it.

Sophie saw the spoon coming and opened her mouth like a baby bird, then somehow got half of it on her cheeks anyway.

Dana laughed and wiped her chin.

After that she started calling her Cinnamon.

At first it was my little Cinnamon girl. Then just Cinnamon. Sometimes Cinny when Dana was tired.

"She's going to hate us when she's fifteen and we tell people about this," Dana said once.

"Then we won't tell anybody."

"I'm telling everybody."

"You're a terrible mother."

"I know."

Sophie slapped both hands into the tray and Dana laughed hard enough to nearly drop the spoon.

I remember that afternoon better than I remember most of that year.

The heart issue appeared during a routine appointment.

A murmur.

Maybe nothing, the pediatrician said. Maybe something.

A cardiologist found enough to watch but not enough to panic over, which meant Dana panicked constantly.

She wanted to know whether it was what her sister had. Whether she'd passed it to Sophie. Whether a baby with a heart problem could simply stop breathing in her sleep.

The doctor was careful with his answers.

I wasn't.

"She's fine," I'd tell Dana afterward.

"You don't know that."

"Neither do you."

"What if it's the same thing?"

"It isn't."

"How do you know?"

"Because I'm her dad and I've decided."

Sometimes that made her smile.

Dana extended her leave another month, then another.

Eventually her company began asking when she intended to return, and Dana decided she was ready.

She missed adult conversations. She missed dressing for somewhere other than Target. She missed being good at something that didn't involve keeping another human alive.

I told her we'd make it work.

Daycare three days a week. Dana's mother one day. I shifted my schedule when I could.

The first time she came home late again, I remember looking at the clock.

7:42.

Sophie was asleep against me and dinner had gone cold.

Dana came through the door apologizing, kissed the baby, kissed me and immediately started explaining some crisis at work.

"Five weeks back and they've already chained you to the desk."

She stopped.

"Don't start."

"I'm not starting anything."

"That tone is starting something."

"I don't have a tone."

"You absolutely have a tone."

Sophie woke before either of us could say anything else.

Dana had only been back at work a few weeks when she died.

We put Sophie down like normal.

That was the part Dana could never get past.

There had been no dramatic warning. No fever, no crying, nothing that would have made either of us sit beside the crib all night. She ate, played, fell asleep, and sometime before morning her heart stopped.

Dana found her.

I don't like remembering what happened after that.

The nursery was cold. Dana was making a sound I had never heard from another human being. Paramedics came. Police came. Our house filled with people while Sophie was somewhere else.

Someone went through the standard questions with us. Medications. Cleaning products. Anything unusual in the house. Anything she might have reached.

Dana answered most of them before I could.

"We babyproofed everything."

Then she looked at me.

I nodded.

With Sophie's heart and Dana's family history, everyone had an explanation ready.

Her sister had died young. Sophie's cardiologist had already found something worth monitoring. Sometimes these things happened suddenly, we were told. Sometimes there wasn't time to prevent them.

Dana heard something else.

You gave this to her.

And because she'd gone back to work, she found another way to blame herself.

"I should've been here."

"You were here."

"I mean with her."

"She was sleeping."

"What if I missed something?"

"You didn't."

"What if I hadn't gone back?"

"Dana."

"I left her."

"You went to work."

"I left her."

For years I told my wife the same things.

It wasn't your fault.

You couldn't have known.

You loved her.

There was nothing you could have done.

Going back to work did not kill our daughter.

Some nights I said it ten times.

Dana resigned two weeks after the funeral.

I was relieved.

That is one of the things I never told her.

Of course she couldn't have gone back then. Nobody could have. But some part of me was relieved there would be no deadlines, no meetings, no laptop chirping at nine at night.

I thought grief might force everything else to become smaller for a while.

I thought we'd simply exist together until we healed.

That isn't what happened.

The first year was unbearable.

The second was quieter.

Dana stopped seeing friends because most of them had children. Invitations stopped coming after enough polite refusals.

She didn't go back to work.

She didn't go much of anywhere.

I cooked and cleaned and handled bills. I sat with her when she couldn't sleep.

I learned there are only so many ways to answer the question, Do you think she knew I loved her?

Yes.

Always yes.

Of course she knew.

I loved my wife through all of it, but after a few years I began to resent the dead.

That's uglier than saying I was tired, but it's closer to the truth.

I resented Mother's Day. Sophie's birthday. The anniversary of the day she died. I resented strangers' children for having the wrong laugh in grocery stores.

Once, on what would have been Sophie's third birthday, Dana wanted to spend the evening looking through photographs.

I told her I had a headache.

I didn't.

I sat in the bedroom watching something stupid on my phone while my wife cried alone in the living room, and for almost twenty minutes I enjoyed the quiet.

I hated myself afterward.

Mostly.

More than anything, I missed my wife.

Not even the woman she'd been before Sophie. I knew we weren't getting that woman back.

I would've settled for someone who laughed occasionally. Someone who wanted to go to dinner. Someone who could sit through a stupid movie without disappearing halfway through it.

I lasted almost four years before I brought home Cinna.

She fit in one hand.

A coworker's sister had Yorkie puppies, and I'd gone over telling myself I was only looking. One climbed into my lap and fell asleep there.

I sent Dana a picture.

She replied:

No.

I brought the puppy home anyway.

For approximately five minutes, Dana was furious.

"We talked about this."

"No, I sent you a picture and you said no."

"That's generally considered talking."

"You haven't held her."

"I don't want to hold her."

"Fine."

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Hand me the dog while I'm telling you I don't want the dog."

I handed her the dog.

The puppy licked her chin.

Dana laughed.

Actually laughed.

Not the polite little breath she'd been using for years when she knew I was trying to cheer her up. A real laugh, sudden and surprised.

For one embarrassing second I thought I might cry.

The puppy didn't have a name yet.

I suggested Penny.

Dana suggested Cinna.

I knew immediately what she meant.

"No."

Her smile faltered. "What?"

"That's weird."

"It isn't weird."

"It's a little weird."

"It's after Cinnamon."

"I know what it's after."

Dana tucked the puppy against her chest. "I like it."

I remember looking at the two of them and thinking that naming a dog after our dead daughter was one grief-therapy exercise too far.

But Dana was smiling.

So Cinna it was.

And I have to give the little dog credit.

She accomplished what therapists, medication, family and I hadn't.

She gave Dana reasons to leave the house.

At first it was walks because Cinna refused to use the backyard. Once around the block became twice, then the park.

Dana started getting dressed earlier because Cinna woke at seven. She spoke to neighbors, then friends.

Pictures appeared on her phone that weren't old photographs of Sophie.

Dana and Cinna at the beach.

Cinna sitting upright in the passenger seat of Dana's car like a tiny disapproving grandmother.

Dana started cooking again. She played music in the kitchen. She made fun of me.

One night about six months ago she laughed so hard at something stupid I said that she snorted.

She clapped both hands over her face.

"Oh my God."

I couldn't stop smiling.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I missed that."

She knew what I meant.

She leaned over and kissed me.

For the first time in years, I thought maybe we'd made it.

After that, the walks got longer. She started having coffee with a woman two streets over who owned some kind of terrier. Once she and Cinna were gone almost three hours because they'd driven to a park across town.

I teased her about having a social life.

I was glad she did.

A few months later, I came home and found Dana at the kitchen table with her old laptop open.

"What are you doing?"

She tilted the screen away from me in a way that was meant to be playful.

"Nothing."

"That's suspicious."

"I'm updating my résumé."

I looked at the screen.

"Just updating it," she said.

"I didn't say anything."

"You did that thing with your face."

"What thing?"

"That thing."

"I don't have a thing."

"You absolutely have a thing."

She smiled and turned the laptop back around.

"I've been thinking maybe part-time. Or consulting. Something small."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be okay?"

She studied me for a second.

Then she kissed my cheek.

For the next week, the laptop stayed on the kitchen table.

I noticed that.

I also noticed she had started checking her email before breakfast.

Neither of those things meant anything.

Two weeks ago she had résumés printed on thick cream paper.

I told her they looked nice.

The afternoon Cinna disappeared, Dana had taken her into the backyard. Her phone rang and she stepped inside to answer it.

When she went back out, the side gate was open.

No Cinna.

We searched until after midnight.

The next morning we called every shelter within thirty miles. Dana posted everywhere she could think of. We drove slowly through streets with the windows down calling Cinna's name.

I kept telling her Yorkies got picked up. Someone probably had her.

That was better than imagining her on a road somewhere.

By the second day Dana wasn't eating unless I put something directly in front of her.

By the third she wasn't sleeping.

And suddenly it felt like five years ago.

The same frantic eyes. The same bargaining. The same certainty that if she did one more thing, searched one more street, something terrible could still be undone.

"What if somebody stole her?"

"I don't think anybody stole her."

"What if she got hurt?"

"We checked the roads."

"What if she's hiding somewhere?"

"Then somebody will find her."

"What if nobody does?"

"We'll keep looking."

This morning the printer finally ran out of paper.

Even that didn't stop her.

She started feeding in the backs of the résumés she'd had printed two weeks ago, and I sat at the kitchen table cutting tabs while Cinna's face came out on one side and Dana's old life remained neatly formatted on the other.

Job titles.

Promotions.

Awards.

Eleven years of experience.

One page after another disappeared beneath MISSING YORKIE.

I didn't say anything.

It's almost ten now and Dana is still out.

I texted her fifteen minutes ago and told her to come home because it's still ninety-one degrees outside. She replied that she has one more street left, which, knowing my wife, means at least three.

I put a bottle of water in the refrigerator for her. She likes it almost frozen.

There's dinner in the microwave too. She probably won't eat, but I'll make her try.

Tomorrow I'll convince her to stay home for a few hours. Maybe we'll call the shelters together.

I'll drive this time.

She's exhausted, and the heat worries me.

The heat has been worrying me for another reason too.

The garage sits at the back of the yard, separate from the house. There's almost no insulation in there, and the little vent above the side door doesn't do much once the sun has been on the roof all afternoon.

I thought I had longer.

Apparently I didn't.

The smell is bad now.

You can't smell it from the house. You can't even smell it standing a few feet outside the garage.

But open the door and it's there.

Dana hasn't been inside since the first day, when we were still grabbing leashes and flashlights and anything else we thought might help us find Cinna.

She hasn't noticed.

Still, I can't leave her there another day.

Cinna is behind the plastic storage bins along the back wall, wrapped in one of our old moving blankets.

She's so small that hiding her wasn't difficult.

The hard part has been listening to Dana call for her.

Yesterday evening she stood at the end of the driveway shaking the bag of treats.

She called Cinna's name.

Waited.

Called again.

Then finally shouted, "Come home!" into a street that had already gone quiet.

I went inside before she did.

I'll move Cinna tonight after Dana falls asleep.

There's a road about a mile from here where people drive too fast. No sidewalk for part of it, only dry brush and a narrow shoulder.

I'll leave her near there before morning.

Nothing elaborate.

Dana doesn't need an investigation.

She needs an answer.

The gate was open.

Cinna got out.

She wandered too far.

Not knowing is worse.

Give someone an answer and eventually they learn to live around it.

Dana already has.

I hate that she's going to hurt.

But she'll recover.

Cinna proved she can.

I'll cook. I'll sit up with her when she can't sleep. I'll remind her to eat. I'll tell her the gate wasn't her fault, that she couldn't have known, that there was nothing she could have done.

I'll say it as many times as she needs.

Eventually we'll be okay again.

We always are.

Before I move Cinna, I should clean up the garage.

Dana hasn't noticed the cabinet over the workbench is unlocked.

Years ago, when we childproofed the house, she made me promise there was nothing dangerous left in there.

I told her there wasn't.

Most of what I'd bought for the rats is gone now. The traps rusted. The cleaning supplies got used.

There are only a few things shoved behind old paint cans and extension cords, including one battered cardboard box I should have thrown away a long time ago.

I'll get rid of that too.

No reason to keep it.

Funny.

I used to think Cinna was a terrible name. Too morbid, I told Dana. Too much history to hang around the neck of an eight-pound dog.

I suppose I owe my wife an apology.

Both her girls always did love cinnamon.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 2 days ago

What Stayed With Me

The first time I smelled it, I thought I was having a stroke.

Not because I knew what a stroke felt like. I was eighteen, reasonably healthy, and had spent most of my life treating sleep as a loose suggestion. But everybody knows the burnt-toast thing. You smell toast when there isn't any toast, and you're supposed to call 911 before half your face slides off.

Except this wasn't toast.

I was lying in bed with a bag of peach rings balanced on my stomach when the smell came through my room strongly enough to make me sit up.

Warm and earthy.

Almost smoke, but not quite.

Damp stone. Crushed leaves. Something faintly sweet underneath.

Nothing was burning.

Dad was asleep on the couch. Mom had gone to bed.

Grandma was in the guest room.

That mattered because she'd arrived eleven days ago, and the smell had been happening almost that long.

The headaches had started earlier. Sharp pressure behind my eyes. Then came the pinching.

That's the only word I've found for it.

Something beneath my skin would catch a tiny fold of me from the inside and twist.

My arms. My stomach. The back of my neck.

There was never a mark afterward.

I'd already gone to urgent care. Everything was normal. The doctor told me to drink more water.

Mom bought me an enormous insulated bottle and left chocolate-covered pretzels beside it.

"For hydration?" I asked.

"Those are obviously medicinal."

I've always liked sweet things.

Apparently I had a comfort food group.

Grandma had habits too.

She folded dish towels into perfect thirds. She complained that Dad's coffee tasted like "hot brown water." She watched the evening news at a volume that made Dad retreat upstairs.

And she left glasses of water in strange places.

Behind the front door.

On top of the refrigerator.

Near the hallway leading to my room.

Leaves appeared beside the back entrance. Sometimes I woke before sunrise and found a candle burning in the kitchen.

"Religious thing," Mom said when I asked.

"What religion requires hydration stations?"

Mom smiled.

Grandma didn't.

Grandma was my mother's mother, but I barely knew her. She had spent most of my life in Mexico, and she and Mom had gone years without speaking.

My only clear memory of her was from when I was five.

Maybe six.

A crowded room. Candles. Women speaking quietly. Bowls of water and flowers.

A necklace lay on a white cloth.

I reached for it.

Grandma grabbed my wrist.

She shouted.

I remember crying. Her hand hurting me.

For most of my life, I'd remembered her as angry.

When she arrived at our house, she stood in the driveway wearing a pale blue blouse and looking much smaller than the monster my childhood had preserved.

She hugged Mom.

She hugged Dad.

Then she looked at me.

For one uncomfortable second, she just stared.

"Elena."

The way she said my name bothered me.

She sounded like someone who hadn't expected to see me.

I started avoiding her after the headaches got worse.

Then one afternoon I walked into the kitchen and found her whispering over a glass of water.

Pain stabbed behind my left eye so hard I caught myself against the counter.

"Stop."

Grandma opened her eyes.

The whispering stopped.

So did the pain.

Not slowly.

Immediately.

I stared at her.

She stared back.

Neither of us said anything.

That night I told Mom.

"I swear to you, every time she does one of those things, I get sick."

"She's praying."

"Cool. Why does her praying make my skull feel like it's splitting open?"

"It doesn't."

"You weren't in my skull, so I'm not sure you're qualified to say that."

Mom turned off the faucet harder than necessary.

"Your grandmother loves you."

"She doesn't know me."

Something moved across her face.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Two nights later, I woke at 2:13 in the morning with the smell filling my room so strongly I could taste it.

Earth.

Smoke.

Damp stone.

Then something twisted beneath my ribs.

A strip of light showed under my door.

I opened it.

Grandma was sitting on the hallway floor.

A glass of water rested beside her. My blue sweatshirt was spread across her lap, and she was moving one hand slowly above it while whispering under her breath.

"Are you serious?"

She stopped.

"What are you doing with my clothes?"

"I'm helping you."

"By sitting outside my room with my sweatshirt at two in the morning?"

"I know you are hurting."

"Because of you."

Her expression changed.

Not anger.

Sadness.

That frightened me more.

"You think that because you don't understand."

"Then explain it."

Something pinched the inside of my forearm.

I grabbed it.

Grandma's eyes went straight to the spot.

"There," I said. "You're doing it right now."

Her voice became very soft.

"It hurts because it wants me to stop."

Cold moved through me.

"What does?"

For the first time since she'd arrived, Grandma looked unsure.

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I know something is wrong. That is not the same as knowing what it is."

The pinching tightened.

Grandma reached toward me.

I stepped back.

"Don't."

"Elena—"

I locked my door.

The next morning I confronted her in the kitchen.

Mom was there.

So was Dad, although he became very interested in his coffee the second voices were raised.

"What religion?" I asked.

Grandma looked at Mom before answering.

"Lukumí. Some people call it Santería."

I looked toward the glass of water near the door.

"And that's what all this is?"

"Some of it."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I'm praying. It means I'm trying to protect this house. It means I am doing what I know how to do."

"With my clothes."

"Because they belong to you."

The old memory came back so clearly that my wrist seemed to ache.

"The necklace."

Grandma went still.

"What?"

"When I was little. You grabbed me because I touched a necklace."

Mom stopped moving.

Grandma lowered herself into a chair.

"You remember that?"

"Of course I remember it."

"You were very young."

"You screamed at me."

"I was scared."

"You were angry."

"I was scared."

"There was nothing to be scared of. I was a kid."

"I know."

She looked suddenly exhausted.

"Those beads were not cursed, Elena. They were sacred. They had been received for someone else. You should not have touched them, but touching them did not cause this."

"Cause what?"

No one answered.

I looked at Mom.

"What aren't you telling me?"

Mom sat across from me.

"When you were little, your grandmother thought something had changed."

I laughed once because the alternative was not laughing.

"Changed how?"

Grandma answered.

"You became different."

"Kids become different."

"Yes."

"So?"

She folded her hands.

"You had been terrified of water. Then you loved it. Foods you refused became your favorites. Sometimes you knew things that had happened but couldn't tell me anything about being there."

"That's your evidence?"

"No."

"What else?"

She studied my face.

"Sometimes you looked at people as though you were learning them."

My stomach tightened.

Mom said, "I thought she'd frightened you. I thought she was seeing danger because she expected to see it."

"And?"

"And I told her to leave you alone."

Grandma looked away.

"For years," Mom said, "I thought she was wrong."

I pushed back from the table.

"And now?"

No one stopped me when I left.

That night Mom pulled an old photo album from the hall closet.

She didn't explain why.

We sat on the floor of her bedroom turning pages.

Birthdays.

Halloween costumes.

Christmas mornings.

Then the river.

I smiled before I meant to.

"God, I loved that place."

Mom looked at me.

"You did eventually."

I turned toward her.

"What does that mean?"

"You were terrified of it when you were little."

"No I wasn't."

"Elena."

She turned a page.

Dad was carrying me away from the river.

I was screaming.

Not whining. Not crying because I'd fallen.

Screaming.

My fists were twisted in Dad's shirt. My entire body was trying to climb higher into his arms.

I stared at the picture.

"I remember that trip."

"Do you?"

"Yes."

Sun through cottonwoods.

Dad's red cooler.

Strawberry candies in a plastic bag.

Warm rocks beneath my legs.

The current outside our tent at night.

I knew all of it.

But when I tried to remember anything immediately before the photograph was taken, there was nothing.

Not darkness.

Nothing.

Just the picture.

A fact with no edges around it.

Mom closed the album.

Neither of us spoke.

The next morning, I lost twenty minutes.

One second I was sitting on my bed watching videos.

The next, I was downstairs with my shoes on and my hand wrapped around the front-door lock.

Dad was standing behind me.

"Going somewhere?"

"I don't know."

He laughed.

Then he saw my face.

"I was upstairs."

"What?"

"I was just upstairs."

"I heard you come down."

"I don't remember it."

Dad looked toward the staircase.

That was the moment he stopped joking about any of this.

That night I dreamed about the river.

I was small.

Someone was carrying me.

I could hear myself screaming.

When I woke, there was dirt on the bottoms of my feet.

Two days later, pain ripped across my stomach while I was walking down the hall.

I folded against the wall.

Dad caught me before I hit the floor.

From the laundry room, Grandma's voice stopped.

So did the pain.

Dad looked through the doorway.

Grandma was kneeling beside one of my shirts.

For several seconds, nobody moved.

Later, I heard Grandma and Mom talking behind the laundry-room door.

"I can't keep doing it little by little," Grandma said.

Mom's voice shook.

"You said you weren't sure."

"I wasn't."

"And now?"

"When I pray over something that belongs to her, it reacts before Elena knows I'm doing anything."

A pause.

"It's holding too tightly."

I stepped into the doorway.

"What's holding too tightly?"

Mom turned.

Her face told me everything before she spoke.

She believed her.

That terrified me more than Grandma ever had.

They called what Grandma wanted to do a cleansing.

I called it absolutely not.

"I went to a doctor."

"And they didn't find anything," Mom said.

"So now we're doing an exorcism?"

"It's not an exorcism," Grandma said.

"Stop telling me things aren't what they obviously are."

"I don't know what this is."

"That's reassuring."

"But I know what happens when I pray."

"You hurt me."

Grandma's mouth tightened.

Then she said, "Yes."

Everyone went quiet.

She didn't defend herself.

Didn't tell me the pain wasn't real.

Just yes.

Mom covered her mouth.

Grandma continued.

"I think the pain comes from separating something that has been joined for a long time."

"To me?"

"I don't know."

"What if you're wrong?"

Her eyes filled.

"Then I will have hurt you for nothing."

"And if you're right?"

No one answered.

That was worse.

We did it Saturday morning.

Morning light came through the curtains.

Grandma pushed the coffee table aside. Beside her sat a bowl of water, leaves, a candle, and a piece of white cloth.

Nothing looked dramatic enough.

I had expected, I don't know, thunder.

Something worthy of being terrified.

Instead Dad moved his coffee mug out of the way.

Mom cried silently.

Grandma told me to sit.

"I hate all of you."

Dad nodded.

"That's fair."

Under any other circumstances, I might have laughed.

Grandma knelt in front of me.

"Whatever happens, listen to me."

"Not fight you?"

"No."

She shook her head.

"Fight if you need to. Just listen."

She touched my forehead.

The smell hit me all at once.

Earth.

Smoke.

Water.

And underneath it, something familiar enough to hurt.

Grandma began praying.

Pressure swelled behind my eyes.

She moved the leaves over my shoulders and down my arms.

Everywhere they passed burned.

"Stop."

She kept praying.

"Please."

Mom came closer.

"I'm here, baby."

"Then make her stop."

I tried to stand.

My legs didn't work.

The room lurched upward.

For one impossible second, I became very small.

Not felt small.

Was small.

The couch towered over me.

Mom's face looked too far away.

My name is Elena Morales.

The thought came so clearly that I grabbed onto it.

I'm eighteen.

That's Mom.

That's Dad.

This is our house.

Grandma kept praying.

My name is Elena.

I'm eighteen.

Mom.

Dad.

Home.

Then I heard the river.

Water moving over stones.

Sun through trees.

Candy sticking between my fingers.

Warm rocks beneath my legs.

Dad laughing.

Mom calling my name.

I loved that place.

I—

Cold water.

A scream.

My scream.

Dad lifting me away from the bank.

No.

That hadn't happened.

My name is Elena.

I love the river.

I love—

Candles.

A crowded room.

Bowls of water and flowers.

A necklace on white cloth.

A little girl reached toward it.

Grandma turned.

Her face changed.

She lunged.

Her hand closed around the girl's wrist.

And I watched it happen.

From across the room.

I stopped breathing.

No.

The memory snapped back.

I was the little girl.

Grandma was holding my wrist.

I was crying.

Then I was near the doorway again.

Watching.

Then inside the little girl's body.

Then outside it.

Each time the memory changed, something inside me tore.

"No."

Grandma's prayer faltered.

"That's not right."

She was crying now.

"I'm remembering it wrong."

Grandma touched my cheek.

"No, mi amor."

"My name is Elena."

Behind her, Mom made a sound like she had been hit.

I looked at her.

My mother.

I knew she sang the wrong lyrics to songs even after being corrected.

I knew she kept emergency cash inside an old birthday card in her dresser.

I knew Dad couldn't sleep without the television on.

I knew the squeak in the third stair.

I knew where Mom hid Christmas presents.

I knew Dad always checked the back door twice.

I knew the scar on his thumb came from opening a can when I was twelve.

I knew all of them.

I knew everything.

It was my life.

Grandma pressed her forehead against mine.

"You have to let go."

"Of what?"

"Please."

"I don't understand."

The smell became unbearable.

Water.

Smoke.

Earth.

The river roaring somewhere inside the room.

"I'm Elena."

Grandma squeezed my hands.

Something in her face collapsed.

"No, mi amor."

Something inside me gave way.

It wasn't pain.

It was like reaching for a railing in the dark and finding nothing there.

I reached for my name.

Elena.

Then the river.

My parents.

Peach rings.

Christmas.

My blue sweatshirt.

Graduation.

The boy who kissed me behind the gym and apologized afterward because he'd missed my mouth.

The scar beneath my chin.

Driving alone for the first time.

Dad teaching me to change a tire.

Mom falling asleep beside me during a movie and denying it when she woke up.

Everything I had ever called mine.

All of it came apart in my hands.

I tried to remember my face.

I couldn't.

Then there was nothing.

When I opened my eyes, Mom was holding me.

She looked old.

That was the first thing I noticed.

There was gray in her hair.

Dad looked old too.

I asked what happened.

Mom hugged me so hard it hurt.

Grandma was kneeling nearby.

I became scared when I saw her.

Then I remembered candles.

The necklace.

Her hand around my wrist.

But she looked old now too.

"Where are we?"

Mom pulled back.

"Home."

I knew the house.

Except I didn't.

The walls were the wrong color.

Dad's cabinet was gone.

There was a television where the bookcase used to be.

I asked where my toys were.

Dad turned away.

Mom took me upstairs.

My room was worse.

A big bed.

Clothes I didn't recognize.

Makeup on the dresser.

Photographs covering the mirror.

In one of them, a girl in a cap and gown stood between Mom and Dad.

She looked like me.

I picked it up.

"Who is that?"

Mom made a strange sound.

I knew the answer somehow.

That frightened me.

"How old am I?"

Nobody answered.

Then Mom said, "Eighteen."

I thought she was lying.

I went to the mirror.

There was a girl in it.

She moved when I moved.

I touched my face.

She touched hers.

There was a scar beneath my chin.

I knew that scar.

I remembered Dad wiping blood off my shirt.

I did not remember getting hurt.

Mom said it happened when I was nine.

I don't remember being nine.

I remember the beads.

I remember Grandma yelling.

Then I woke up here.

That is all.

Thirteen years.

Mom said thirteen years are gone.

I don't understand how years can be gone.

That afternoon, Mom brought me peach rings.

She put the bag beside me without saying anything.

"What are those?"

She stopped.

"Your favorite."

I tried one because of the way she was looking at me.

It was awful.

Too sweet.

I spit it into my hand.

"I don't like these."

Mom stared at me.

Then she left the room.

The next morning, there was cinnamon cereal on the counter.

I asked if Dad had bought it.

Mom looked at the box for a long time.

"No," she said.

She put it in the pantry.

Later, I heard her crying in there.

Dad asked if I wanted to visit the river sometime.

I said no.

I hate the river.

I know I hate it.

I remember cold water.

I remember screaming.

Dad carrying me away.

But there is another memory in my head too.

Warm rocks.

Sunshine.

Candy melting against my fingers.

Happiness.

I can see it as clearly as anything.

It just doesn't feel like mine.

It feels like when somebody tells you the same story so many times that eventually you know all the words.

Grandma told me what she thinks happened.

She says she doesn't know for sure.

Something was near me that day with the beads.

Maybe it came with us.

Maybe it was already there.

Maybe it had been close before that.

The beads did not cause it.

She is certain about that.

She is less certain about everything else.

"What was it?" I asked.

"I don't know."

"Was it bad?"

Grandma didn't answer right away.

"I thought so."

"Do you still?"

She looked toward the doorway.

"I don't know."

I asked where I had been.

That made her cry.

She said maybe I had been here the whole time.

Quiet.

That is the word she used.

Quiet.

I hate that word.

There are pictures all over my room.

Birthdays.

Christmas.

School dances.

Graduation.

Sometimes when I look at them, I know things.

Names.

Places.

What happened just before the picture was taken.

What somebody said afterward.

But knowing isn't remembering.

There is a boy in several photographs with his arm around me.

I know his name.

I know where he lives.

I know that he hates pickles and lies about being afraid of spiders.

I don't remember meeting him.

Mom forgets sometimes.

Dad does too.

He starts telling a story and stops halfway through.

Sometimes he looks at me like he's waiting for me to finish a joke I don't know.

Once I heard Mom talking to him downstairs.

"I know she's back," she said.

Dad didn't answer.

Mom started crying.

"Is it terrible that I miss her?"

A long time passed.

Then Dad said, "I miss her too."

They didn't know I was listening.

I think about the girl who was here before I woke up.

Mom hates when I call her that.

She says there wasn't a girl before me.

There was me.

But that isn't true.

Not exactly.

She knew Mom better than I do.

She knew how Dad took his coffee.

She picked these clothes.

She learned to drive.

She graduated.

She loved the river.

She thought she was me.

At the end, she was terrified.

She begged Grandma to stop.

Maybe Grandma saved me.

Maybe she killed her.

Maybe both things are true.

I asked Grandma once whether the other girl knew what she was.

Grandma said she didn't know.

I asked whether it mattered.

She didn't answer.

Mom keeps telling me she's happy I am back.

She hugs me a lot.

I hug her too.

I remember loving her.

Sometimes I even feel it before I remember I'm supposed to.

Everyone says I am myself again.

I just wish I remembered being her.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 2 days ago

What Stayed With Me

The first time I smelled it, I thought I was having a stroke.

Not because I knew what a stroke felt like. I was eighteen, reasonably healthy, and had spent most of my life treating sleep as a loose suggestion. But everybody knows the burnt-toast thing. You smell toast when there isn't any toast, and you're supposed to call 911 before half your face slides off.

Except this wasn't toast.

I was lying in bed with a bag of peach rings balanced on my stomach when the smell came through my room strongly enough to make me sit up.

Warm and earthy.

Almost smoke, but not quite.

Damp stone. Crushed leaves. Something faintly sweet underneath.

Nothing was burning.

Dad was asleep on the couch. Mom had gone to bed.

Grandma was in the guest room.

That mattered because she'd arrived eleven days ago, and the smell had been happening almost that long.

The headaches had started earlier. Sharp pressure behind my eyes. Then came the pinching.

That's the only word I've found for it.

Something beneath my skin would catch a tiny fold of me from the inside and twist.

My arms. My stomach. The back of my neck.

There was never a mark afterward.

I'd already gone to urgent care. Everything was normal. The doctor told me to drink more water.

Mom bought me an enormous insulated bottle and left chocolate-covered pretzels beside it.

"For hydration?" I asked.

"Those are obviously medicinal."

I've always liked sweet things.

Apparently I had a comfort food group.

Grandma had habits too.

She folded dish towels into perfect thirds. She complained that Dad's coffee tasted like "hot brown water." She watched the evening news at a volume that made Dad retreat upstairs.

And she left glasses of water in strange places.

Behind the front door.

On top of the refrigerator.

Near the hallway leading to my room.

Leaves appeared beside the back entrance. Sometimes I woke before sunrise and found a candle burning in the kitchen.

"Religious thing," Mom said when I asked.

"What religion requires hydration stations?"

Mom smiled.

Grandma didn't.

Grandma was my mother's mother, but I barely knew her. She had spent most of my life in Mexico, and she and Mom had gone years without speaking.

My only clear memory of her was from when I was five.

Maybe six.

A crowded room. Candles. Women speaking quietly. Bowls of water and flowers.

A necklace lay on a white cloth.

I reached for it.

Grandma grabbed my wrist.

She shouted.

I remember crying. Her hand hurting me.

For most of my life, I'd remembered her as angry.

When she arrived at our house, she stood in the driveway wearing a pale blue blouse and looking much smaller than the monster my childhood had preserved.

She hugged Mom.

She hugged Dad.

Then she looked at me.

For one uncomfortable second, she just stared.

"Elena."

The way she said my name bothered me.

She sounded like someone who hadn't expected to see me.

I started avoiding her after the headaches got worse.

Then one afternoon I walked into the kitchen and found her whispering over a glass of water.

Pain stabbed behind my left eye so hard I caught myself against the counter.

"Stop."

Grandma opened her eyes.

The whispering stopped.

So did the pain.

Not slowly.

Immediately.

I stared at her.

She stared back.

Neither of us said anything.

That night I told Mom.

"I swear to you, every time she does one of those things, I get sick."

"She's praying."

"Cool. Why does her praying make my skull feel like it's splitting open?"

"It doesn't."

"You weren't in my skull, so I'm not sure you're qualified to say that."

Mom turned off the faucet harder than necessary.

"Your grandmother loves you."

"She doesn't know me."

Something moved across her face.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Two nights later, I woke at 2:13 in the morning with the smell filling my room so strongly I could taste it.

Earth.

Smoke.

Damp stone.

Then something twisted beneath my ribs.

A strip of light showed under my door.

I opened it.

Grandma was sitting on the hallway floor.

A glass of water rested beside her. My blue sweatshirt was spread across her lap, and she was moving one hand slowly above it while whispering under her breath.

"Are you serious?"

She stopped.

"What are you doing with my clothes?"

"I'm helping you."

"By sitting outside my room with my sweatshirt at two in the morning?"

"I know you are hurting."

"Because of you."

Her expression changed.

Not anger.

Sadness.

That frightened me more.

"You think that because you don't understand."

"Then explain it."

Something pinched the inside of my forearm.

I grabbed it.

Grandma's eyes went straight to the spot.

"There," I said. "You're doing it right now."

Her voice became very soft.

"It hurts because it wants me to stop."

Cold moved through me.

"What does?"

For the first time since she'd arrived, Grandma looked unsure.

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I know something is wrong. That is not the same as knowing what it is."

The pinching tightened.

Grandma reached toward me.

I stepped back.

"Don't."

"Elena—"

I locked my door.

The next morning I confronted her in the kitchen.

Mom was there.

So was Dad, although he became very interested in his coffee the second voices were raised.

"What religion?" I asked.

Grandma looked at Mom before answering.

"Lukumí. Some people call it Santería."

I looked toward the glass of water near the door.

"And that's what all this is?"

"Some of it."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I'm praying. It means I'm trying to protect this house. It means I am doing what I know how to do."

"With my clothes."

"Because they belong to you."

The old memory came back so clearly that my wrist seemed to ache.

"The necklace."

Grandma went still.

"What?"

"When I was little. You grabbed me because I touched a necklace."

Mom stopped moving.

Grandma lowered herself into a chair.

"You remember that?"

"Of course I remember it."

"You were very young."

"You screamed at me."

"I was scared."

"You were angry."

"I was scared."

"There was nothing to be scared of. I was a kid."

"I know."

She looked suddenly exhausted.

"Those beads were not cursed, Elena. They were sacred. They had been received for someone else. You should not have touched them, but touching them did not cause this."

"Cause what?"

No one answered.

I looked at Mom.

"What aren't you telling me?"

Mom sat across from me.

"When you were little, your grandmother thought something had changed."

I laughed once because the alternative was not laughing.

"Changed how?"

Grandma answered.

"You became different."

"Kids become different."

"Yes."

"So?"

She folded her hands.

"You had been terrified of water. Then you loved it. Foods you refused became your favorites. Sometimes you knew things that had happened but couldn't tell me anything about being there."

"That's your evidence?"

"No."

"What else?"

She studied my face.

"Sometimes you looked at people as though you were learning them."

My stomach tightened.

Mom said, "I thought she'd frightened you. I thought she was seeing danger because she expected to see it."

"And?"

"And I told her to leave you alone."

Grandma looked away.

"For years," Mom said, "I thought she was wrong."

I pushed back from the table.

"And now?"

No one stopped me when I left.

That night Mom pulled an old photo album from the hall closet.

She didn't explain why.

We sat on the floor of her bedroom turning pages.

Birthdays.

Halloween costumes.

Christmas mornings.

Then the river.

I smiled before I meant to.

"God, I loved that place."

Mom looked at me.

"You did eventually."

I turned toward her.

"What does that mean?"

"You were terrified of it when you were little."

"No I wasn't."

"Elena."

She turned a page.

Dad was carrying me away from the river.

I was screaming.

Not whining. Not crying because I'd fallen.

Screaming.

My fists were twisted in Dad's shirt. My entire body was trying to climb higher into his arms.

I stared at the picture.

"I remember that trip."

"Do you?"

"Yes."

Sun through cottonwoods.

Dad's red cooler.

Strawberry candies in a plastic bag.

Warm rocks beneath my legs.

The current outside our tent at night.

I knew all of it.

But when I tried to remember anything immediately before the photograph was taken, there was nothing.

Not darkness.

Nothing.

Just the picture.

A fact with no edges around it.

Mom closed the album.

Neither of us spoke.

The next morning, I lost twenty minutes.

One second I was sitting on my bed watching videos.

The next, I was downstairs with my shoes on and my hand wrapped around the front-door lock.

Dad was standing behind me.

"Going somewhere?"

"I don't know."

He laughed.

Then he saw my face.

"I was upstairs."

"What?"

"I was just upstairs."

"I heard you come down."

"I don't remember it."

Dad looked toward the staircase.

That was the moment he stopped joking about any of this.

That night I dreamed about the river.

I was small.

Someone was carrying me.

I could hear myself screaming.

When I woke, there was dirt on the bottoms of my feet.

Two days later, pain ripped across my stomach while I was walking down the hall.

I folded against the wall.

Dad caught me before I hit the floor.

From the laundry room, Grandma's voice stopped.

So did the pain.

Dad looked through the doorway.

Grandma was kneeling beside one of my shirts.

For several seconds, nobody moved.

Later, I heard Grandma and Mom talking behind the laundry-room door.

"I can't keep doing it little by little," Grandma said.

Mom's voice shook.

"You said you weren't sure."

"I wasn't."

"And now?"

"When I pray over something that belongs to her, it reacts before Elena knows I'm doing anything."

A pause.

"It's holding too tightly."

I stepped into the doorway.

"What's holding too tightly?"

Mom turned.

Her face told me everything before she spoke.

She believed her.

That terrified me more than Grandma ever had.

They called what Grandma wanted to do a cleansing.

I called it absolutely not.

"I went to a doctor."

"And they didn't find anything," Mom said.

"So now we're doing an exorcism?"

"It's not an exorcism," Grandma said.

"Stop telling me things aren't what they obviously are."

"I don't know what this is."

"That's reassuring."

"But I know what happens when I pray."

"You hurt me."

Grandma's mouth tightened.

Then she said, "Yes."

Everyone went quiet.

She didn't defend herself.

Didn't tell me the pain wasn't real.

Just yes.

Mom covered her mouth.

Grandma continued.

"I think the pain comes from separating something that has been joined for a long time."

"To me?"

"I don't know."

"What if you're wrong?"

Her eyes filled.

"Then I will have hurt you for nothing."

"And if you're right?"

No one answered.

That was worse.

We did it Saturday morning.

Morning light came through the curtains.

Grandma pushed the coffee table aside. Beside her sat a bowl of water, leaves, a candle, and a piece of white cloth.

Nothing looked dramatic enough.

I had expected, I don't know, thunder.

Something worthy of being terrified.

Instead Dad moved his coffee mug out of the way.

Mom cried silently.

Grandma told me to sit.

"I hate all of you."

Dad nodded.

"That's fair."

Under any other circumstances, I might have laughed.

Grandma knelt in front of me.

"Whatever happens, listen to me."

"Not fight you?"

"No."

She shook her head.

"Fight if you need to. Just listen."

She touched my forehead.

The smell hit me all at once.

Earth.

Smoke.

Water.

And underneath it, something familiar enough to hurt.

Grandma began praying.

Pressure swelled behind my eyes.

She moved the leaves over my shoulders and down my arms.

Everywhere they passed burned.

"Stop."

She kept praying.

"Please."

Mom came closer.

"I'm here, baby."

"Then make her stop."

I tried to stand.

My legs didn't work.

The room lurched upward.

For one impossible second, I became very small.

Not felt small.

Was small.

The couch towered over me.

Mom's face looked too far away.

My name is Elena Morales.

The thought came so clearly that I grabbed onto it.

I'm eighteen.

That's Mom.

That's Dad.

This is our house.

Grandma kept praying.

My name is Elena.

I'm eighteen.

Mom.

Dad.

Home.

Then I heard the river.

Water moving over stones.

Sun through trees.

Candy sticking between my fingers.

Warm rocks beneath my legs.

Dad laughing.

Mom calling my name.

I loved that place.

I—

Cold water.

A scream.

My scream.

Dad lifting me away from the bank.

No.

That hadn't happened.

My name is Elena.

I love the river.

I love—

Candles.

A crowded room.

Bowls of water and flowers.

A necklace on white cloth.

A little girl reached toward it.

Grandma turned.

Her face changed.

She lunged.

Her hand closed around the girl's wrist.

And I watched it happen.

From across the room.

I stopped breathing.

No.

The memory snapped back.

I was the little girl.

Grandma was holding my wrist.

I was crying.

Then I was near the doorway again.

Watching.

Then inside the little girl's body.

Then outside it.

Each time the memory changed, something inside me tore.

"No."

Grandma's prayer faltered.

"That's not right."

She was crying now.

"I'm remembering it wrong."

Grandma touched my cheek.

"No, mi amor."

"My name is Elena."

Behind her, Mom made a sound like she had been hit.

I looked at her.

My mother.

I knew she sang the wrong lyrics to songs even after being corrected.

I knew she kept emergency cash inside an old birthday card in her dresser.

I knew Dad couldn't sleep without the television on.

I knew the squeak in the third stair.

I knew where Mom hid Christmas presents.

I knew Dad always checked the back door twice.

I knew the scar on his thumb came from opening a can when I was twelve.

I knew all of them.

I knew everything.

It was my life.

Grandma pressed her forehead against mine.

"You have to let go."

"Of what?"

"Please."

"I don't understand."

The smell became unbearable.

Water.

Smoke.

Earth.

The river roaring somewhere inside the room.

"I'm Elena."

Grandma squeezed my hands.

Something in her face collapsed.

"No, mi amor."

Something inside me gave way.

It wasn't pain.

It was like reaching for a railing in the dark and finding nothing there.

I reached for my name.

Elena.

Then the river.

My parents.

Peach rings.

Christmas.

My blue sweatshirt.

Graduation.

The boy who kissed me behind the gym and apologized afterward because he'd missed my mouth.

The scar beneath my chin.

Driving alone for the first time.

Dad teaching me to change a tire.

Mom falling asleep beside me during a movie and denying it when she woke up.

Everything I had ever called mine.

All of it came apart in my hands.

I tried to remember my face.

I couldn't.

Then there was nothing.

When I opened my eyes, Mom was holding me.

She looked old.

That was the first thing I noticed.

There was gray in her hair.

Dad looked old too.

I asked what happened.

Mom hugged me so hard it hurt.

Grandma was kneeling nearby.

I became scared when I saw her.

Then I remembered candles.

The necklace.

Her hand around my wrist.

But she looked old now too.

"Where are we?"

Mom pulled back.

"Home."

I knew the house.

Except I didn't.

The walls were the wrong color.

Dad's cabinet was gone.

There was a television where the bookcase used to be.

I asked where my toys were.

Dad turned away.

Mom took me upstairs.

My room was worse.

A big bed.

Clothes I didn't recognize.

Makeup on the dresser.

Photographs covering the mirror.

In one of them, a girl in a cap and gown stood between Mom and Dad.

She looked like me.

I picked it up.

"Who is that?"

Mom made a strange sound.

I knew the answer somehow.

That frightened me.

"How old am I?"

Nobody answered.

Then Mom said, "Eighteen."

I thought she was lying.

I went to the mirror.

There was a girl in it.

She moved when I moved.

I touched my face.

She touched hers.

There was a scar beneath my chin.

I knew that scar.

I remembered Dad wiping blood off my shirt.

I did not remember getting hurt.

Mom said it happened when I was nine.

I don't remember being nine.

I remember the beads.

I remember Grandma yelling.

Then I woke up here.

That is all.

Thirteen years.

Mom said thirteen years are gone.

I don't understand how years can be gone.

That afternoon, Mom brought me peach rings.

She put the bag beside me without saying anything.

"What are those?"

She stopped.

"Your favorite."

I tried one because of the way she was looking at me.

It was awful.

Too sweet.

I spit it into my hand.

"I don't like these."

Mom stared at me.

Then she left the room.

The next morning, there was cinnamon cereal on the counter.

I asked if Dad had bought it.

Mom looked at the box for a long time.

"No," she said.

She put it in the pantry.

Later, I heard her crying in there.

Dad asked if I wanted to visit the river sometime.

I said no.

I hate the river.

I know I hate it.

I remember cold water.

I remember screaming.

Dad carrying me away.

But there is another memory in my head too.

Warm rocks.

Sunshine.

Candy melting against my fingers.

Happiness.

I can see it as clearly as anything.

It just doesn't feel like mine.

It feels like when somebody tells you the same story so many times that eventually you know all the words.

Grandma told me what she thinks happened.

She says she doesn't know for sure.

Something was near me that day with the beads.

Maybe it came with us.

Maybe it was already there.

Maybe it had been close before that.

The beads did not cause it.

She is certain about that.

She is less certain about everything else.

"What was it?" I asked.

"I don't know."

"Was it bad?"

Grandma didn't answer right away.

"I thought so."

"Do you still?"

She looked toward the doorway.

"I don't know."

I asked where I had been.

That made her cry.

She said maybe I had been here the whole time.

Quiet.

That is the word she used.

Quiet.

I hate that word.

There are pictures all over my room.

Birthdays.

Christmas.

School dances.

Graduation.

Sometimes when I look at them, I know things.

Names.

Places.

What happened just before the picture was taken.

What somebody said afterward.

But knowing isn't remembering.

There is a boy in several photographs with his arm around me.

I know his name.

I know where he lives.

I know that he hates pickles and lies about being afraid of spiders.

I don't remember meeting him.

Mom forgets sometimes.

Dad does too.

He starts telling a story and stops halfway through.

Sometimes he looks at me like he's waiting for me to finish a joke I don't know.

Once I heard Mom talking to him downstairs.

"I know she's back," she said.

Dad didn't answer.

Mom started crying.

"Is it terrible that I miss her?"

A long time passed.

Then Dad said, "I miss her too."

They didn't know I was listening.

I think about the girl who was here before I woke up.

Mom hates when I call her that.

She says there wasn't a girl before me.

There was me.

But that isn't true.

Not exactly.

She knew Mom better than I do.

She knew how Dad took his coffee.

She picked these clothes.

She learned to drive.

She graduated.

She loved the river.

She thought she was me.

At the end, she was terrified.

She begged Grandma to stop.

Maybe Grandma saved me.

Maybe she killed her.

Maybe both things are true.

I asked Grandma once whether the other girl knew what she was.

Grandma said she didn't know.

I asked whether it mattered.

She didn't answer.

Mom keeps telling me she's happy I am back.

She hugs me a lot.

I hug her too.

I remember loving her.

Sometimes I even feel it before I remember I'm supposed to.

Everyone says I am myself again.

I just wish I remembered being her.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 2 days ago

What Stayed With Me

The first time I smelled it, I thought I was having a stroke.

Not because I knew what a stroke felt like. I was eighteen, reasonably healthy, and had spent most of my life treating sleep as a loose suggestion. But everybody knows the burnt-toast thing. You smell toast when there isn't any toast, and you're supposed to call 911 before half your face slides off.

Except this wasn't toast.

I was lying in bed with a bag of peach rings balanced on my stomach when the smell came through my room strongly enough to make me sit up.

Warm and earthy.

Almost smoke, but not quite.

Damp stone. Crushed leaves. Something faintly sweet underneath.

Nothing was burning.

Dad was asleep on the couch. Mom had gone to bed.

Grandma was in the guest room.

That mattered because she'd arrived eleven days ago, and the smell had been happening almost that long.

The headaches had started earlier. Sharp pressure behind my eyes. Then came the pinching.

That's the only word I've found for it.

Something beneath my skin would catch a tiny fold of me from the inside and twist.

My arms. My stomach. The back of my neck.

There was never a mark afterward.

I'd already gone to urgent care. Everything was normal. The doctor told me to drink more water.

Mom bought me an enormous insulated bottle and left chocolate-covered pretzels beside it.

"For hydration?" I asked.

"Those are obviously medicinal."

I've always liked sweet things.

Apparently I had a comfort food group.

Grandma had habits too.

She folded dish towels into perfect thirds. She complained that Dad's coffee tasted like "hot brown water." She watched the evening news at a volume that made Dad retreat upstairs.

And she left glasses of water in strange places.

Behind the front door.

On top of the refrigerator.

Near the hallway leading to my room.

Leaves appeared beside the back entrance. Sometimes I woke before sunrise and found a candle burning in the kitchen.

"Religious thing," Mom said when I asked.

"What religion requires hydration stations?"

Mom smiled.

Grandma didn't.

Grandma was my mother's mother, but I barely knew her. She had spent most of my life in Mexico, and she and Mom had gone years without speaking.

My only clear memory of her was from when I was five.

Maybe six.

A crowded room. Candles. Women speaking quietly. Bowls of water and flowers.

A necklace lay on a white cloth.

I reached for it.

Grandma grabbed my wrist.

She shouted.

I remember crying. Her hand hurting me.

For most of my life, I'd remembered her as angry.

When she arrived at our house, she stood in the driveway wearing a pale blue blouse and looking much smaller than the monster my childhood had preserved.

She hugged Mom.

She hugged Dad.

Then she looked at me.

For one uncomfortable second, she just stared.

"Elena."

The way she said my name bothered me.

She sounded like someone who hadn't expected to see me.

I started avoiding her after the headaches got worse.

Then one afternoon I walked into the kitchen and found her whispering over a glass of water.

Pain stabbed behind my left eye so hard I caught myself against the counter.

"Stop."

Grandma opened her eyes.

The whispering stopped.

So did the pain.

Not slowly.

Immediately.

I stared at her.

She stared back.

Neither of us said anything.

That night I told Mom.

"I swear to you, every time she does one of those things, I get sick."

"She's praying."

"Cool. Why does her praying make my skull feel like it's splitting open?"

"It doesn't."

"You weren't in my skull, so I'm not sure you're qualified to say that."

Mom turned off the faucet harder than necessary.

"Your grandmother loves you."

"She doesn't know me."

Something moved across her face.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Two nights later, I woke at 2:13 in the morning with the smell filling my room so strongly I could taste it.

Earth.

Smoke.

Damp stone.

Then something twisted beneath my ribs.

A strip of light showed under my door.

I opened it.

Grandma was sitting on the hallway floor.

A glass of water rested beside her. My blue sweatshirt was spread across her lap, and she was moving one hand slowly above it while whispering under her breath.

"Are you serious?"

She stopped.

"What are you doing with my clothes?"

"I'm helping you."

"By sitting outside my room with my sweatshirt at two in the morning?"

"I know you are hurting."

"Because of you."

Her expression changed.

Not anger.

Sadness.

That frightened me more.

"You think that because you don't understand."

"Then explain it."

Something pinched the inside of my forearm.

I grabbed it.

Grandma's eyes went straight to the spot.

"There," I said. "You're doing it right now."

Her voice became very soft.

"It hurts because it wants me to stop."

Cold moved through me.

"What does?"

For the first time since she'd arrived, Grandma looked unsure.

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I know something is wrong. That is not the same as knowing what it is."

The pinching tightened.

Grandma reached toward me.

I stepped back.

"Don't."

"Elena—"

I locked my door.

The next morning I confronted her in the kitchen.

Mom was there.

So was Dad, although he became very interested in his coffee the second voices were raised.

"What religion?" I asked.

Grandma looked at Mom before answering.

"Lukumí. Some people call it Santería."

I looked toward the glass of water near the door.

"And that's what all this is?"

"Some of it."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I'm praying. It means I'm trying to protect this house. It means I am doing what I know how to do."

"With my clothes."

"Because they belong to you."

The old memory came back so clearly that my wrist seemed to ache.

"The necklace."

Grandma went still.

"What?"

"When I was little. You grabbed me because I touched a necklace."

Mom stopped moving.

Grandma lowered herself into a chair.

"You remember that?"

"Of course I remember it."

"You were very young."

"You screamed at me."

"I was scared."

"You were angry."

"I was scared."

"There was nothing to be scared of. I was a kid."

"I know."

She looked suddenly exhausted.

"Those beads were not cursed, Elena. They were sacred. They had been received for someone else. You should not have touched them, but touching them did not cause this."

"Cause what?"

No one answered.

I looked at Mom.

"What aren't you telling me?"

Mom sat across from me.

"When you were little, your grandmother thought something had changed."

I laughed once because the alternative was not laughing.

"Changed how?"

Grandma answered.

"You became different."

"Kids become different."

"Yes."

"So?"

She folded her hands.

"You had been terrified of water. Then you loved it. Foods you refused became your favorites. Sometimes you knew things that had happened but couldn't tell me anything about being there."

"That's your evidence?"

"No."

"What else?"

She studied my face.

"Sometimes you looked at people as though you were learning them."

My stomach tightened.

Mom said, "I thought she'd frightened you. I thought she was seeing danger because she expected to see it."

"And?"

"And I told her to leave you alone."

Grandma looked away.

"For years," Mom said, "I thought she was wrong."

I pushed back from the table.

"And now?"

No one stopped me when I left.

That night Mom pulled an old photo album from the hall closet.

She didn't explain why.

We sat on the floor of her bedroom turning pages.

Birthdays.

Halloween costumes.

Christmas mornings.

Then the river.

I smiled before I meant to.

"God, I loved that place."

Mom looked at me.

"You did eventually."

I turned toward her.

"What does that mean?"

"You were terrified of it when you were little."

"No I wasn't."

"Elena."

She turned a page.

Dad was carrying me away from the river.

I was screaming.

Not whining. Not crying because I'd fallen.

Screaming.

My fists were twisted in Dad's shirt. My entire body was trying to climb higher into his arms.

I stared at the picture.

"I remember that trip."

"Do you?"

"Yes."

Sun through cottonwoods.

Dad's red cooler.

Strawberry candies in a plastic bag.

Warm rocks beneath my legs.

The current outside our tent at night.

I knew all of it.

But when I tried to remember anything immediately before the photograph was taken, there was nothing.

Not darkness.

Nothing.

Just the picture.

A fact with no edges around it.

Mom closed the album.

Neither of us spoke.

The next morning, I lost twenty minutes.

One second I was sitting on my bed watching videos.

The next, I was downstairs with my shoes on and my hand wrapped around the front-door lock.

Dad was standing behind me.

"Going somewhere?"

"I don't know."

He laughed.

Then he saw my face.

"I was upstairs."

"What?"

"I was just upstairs."

"I heard you come down."

"I don't remember it."

Dad looked toward the staircase.

That was the moment he stopped joking about any of this.

That night I dreamed about the river.

I was small.

Someone was carrying me.

I could hear myself screaming.

When I woke, there was dirt on the bottoms of my feet.

Two days later, pain ripped across my stomach while I was walking down the hall.

I folded against the wall.

Dad caught me before I hit the floor.

From the laundry room, Grandma's voice stopped.

So did the pain.

Dad looked through the doorway.

Grandma was kneeling beside one of my shirts.

For several seconds, nobody moved.

Later, I heard Grandma and Mom talking behind the laundry-room door.

"I can't keep doing it little by little," Grandma said.

Mom's voice shook.

"You said you weren't sure."

"I wasn't."

"And now?"

"When I pray over something that belongs to her, it reacts before Elena knows I'm doing anything."

A pause.

"It's holding too tightly."

I stepped into the doorway.

"What's holding too tightly?"

Mom turned.

Her face told me everything before she spoke.

She believed her.

That terrified me more than Grandma ever had.

They called what Grandma wanted to do a cleansing.

I called it absolutely not.

"I went to a doctor."

"And they didn't find anything," Mom said.

"So now we're doing an exorcism?"

"It's not an exorcism," Grandma said.

"Stop telling me things aren't what they obviously are."

"I don't know what this is."

"That's reassuring."

"But I know what happens when I pray."

"You hurt me."

Grandma's mouth tightened.

Then she said, "Yes."

Everyone went quiet.

She didn't defend herself.

Didn't tell me the pain wasn't real.

Just yes.

Mom covered her mouth.

Grandma continued.

"I think the pain comes from separating something that has been joined for a long time."

"To me?"

"I don't know."

"What if you're wrong?"

Her eyes filled.

"Then I will have hurt you for nothing."

"And if you're right?"

No one answered.

That was worse.

We did it Saturday morning.

Morning light came through the curtains.

Grandma pushed the coffee table aside. Beside her sat a bowl of water, leaves, a candle, and a piece of white cloth.

Nothing looked dramatic enough.

I had expected, I don't know, thunder.

Something worthy of being terrified.

Instead Dad moved his coffee mug out of the way.

Mom cried silently.

Grandma told me to sit.

"I hate all of you."

Dad nodded.

"That's fair."

Under any other circumstances, I might have laughed.

Grandma knelt in front of me.

"Whatever happens, listen to me."

"Not fight you?"

"No."

She shook her head.

"Fight if you need to. Just listen."

She touched my forehead.

The smell hit me all at once.

Earth.

Smoke.

Water.

And underneath it, something familiar enough to hurt.

Grandma began praying.

Pressure swelled behind my eyes.

She moved the leaves over my shoulders and down my arms.

Everywhere they passed burned.

"Stop."

She kept praying.

"Please."

Mom came closer.

"I'm here, baby."

"Then make her stop."

I tried to stand.

My legs didn't work.

The room lurched upward.

For one impossible second, I became very small.

Not felt small.

Was small.

The couch towered over me.

Mom's face looked too far away.

My name is Elena Morales.

The thought came so clearly that I grabbed onto it.

I'm eighteen.

That's Mom.

That's Dad.

This is our house.

Grandma kept praying.

My name is Elena.

I'm eighteen.

Mom.

Dad.

Home.

Then I heard the river.

Water moving over stones.

Sun through trees.

Candy sticking between my fingers.

Warm rocks beneath my legs.

Dad laughing.

Mom calling my name.

I loved that place.

I—

Cold water.

A scream.

My scream.

Dad lifting me away from the bank.

No.

That hadn't happened.

My name is Elena.

I love the river.

I love—

Candles.

A crowded room.

Bowls of water and flowers.

A necklace on white cloth.

A little girl reached toward it.

Grandma turned.

Her face changed.

She lunged.

Her hand closed around the girl's wrist.

And I watched it happen.

From across the room.

I stopped breathing.

No.

The memory snapped back.

I was the little girl.

Grandma was holding my wrist.

I was crying.

Then I was near the doorway again.

Watching.

Then inside the little girl's body.

Then outside it.

Each time the memory changed, something inside me tore.

"No."

Grandma's prayer faltered.

"That's not right."

She was crying now.

"I'm remembering it wrong."

Grandma touched my cheek.

"No, mi amor."

"My name is Elena."

Behind her, Mom made a sound like she had been hit.

I looked at her.

My mother.

I knew she sang the wrong lyrics to songs even after being corrected.

I knew she kept emergency cash inside an old birthday card in her dresser.

I knew Dad couldn't sleep without the television on.

I knew the squeak in the third stair.

I knew where Mom hid Christmas presents.

I knew Dad always checked the back door twice.

I knew the scar on his thumb came from opening a can when I was twelve.

I knew all of them.

I knew everything.

It was my life.

Grandma pressed her forehead against mine.

"You have to let go."

"Of what?"

"Please."

"I don't understand."

The smell became unbearable.

Water.

Smoke.

Earth.

The river roaring somewhere inside the room.

"I'm Elena."

Grandma squeezed my hands.

Something in her face collapsed.

"No, mi amor."

Something inside me gave way.

It wasn't pain.

It was like reaching for a railing in the dark and finding nothing there.

I reached for my name.

Elena.

Then the river.

My parents.

Peach rings.

Christmas.

My blue sweatshirt.

Graduation.

The boy who kissed me behind the gym and apologized afterward because he'd missed my mouth.

The scar beneath my chin.

Driving alone for the first time.

Dad teaching me to change a tire.

Mom falling asleep beside me during a movie and denying it when she woke up.

Everything I had ever called mine.

All of it came apart in my hands.

I tried to remember my face.

I couldn't.

Then there was nothing.

When I opened my eyes, Mom was holding me.

She looked old.

That was the first thing I noticed.

There was gray in her hair.

Dad looked old too.

I asked what happened.

Mom hugged me so hard it hurt.

Grandma was kneeling nearby.

I became scared when I saw her.

Then I remembered candles.

The necklace.

Her hand around my wrist.

But she looked old now too.

"Where are we?"

Mom pulled back.

"Home."

I knew the house.

Except I didn't.

The walls were the wrong color.

Dad's cabinet was gone.

There was a television where the bookcase used to be.

I asked where my toys were.

Dad turned away.

Mom took me upstairs.

My room was worse.

A big bed.

Clothes I didn't recognize.

Makeup on the dresser.

Photographs covering the mirror.

In one of them, a girl in a cap and gown stood between Mom and Dad.

She looked like me.

I picked it up.

"Who is that?"

Mom made a strange sound.

I knew the answer somehow.

That frightened me.

"How old am I?"

Nobody answered.

Then Mom said, "Eighteen."

I thought she was lying.

I went to the mirror.

There was a girl in it.

She moved when I moved.

I touched my face.

She touched hers.

There was a scar beneath my chin.

I knew that scar.

I remembered Dad wiping blood off my shirt.

I did not remember getting hurt.

Mom said it happened when I was nine.

I don't remember being nine.

I remember the beads.

I remember Grandma yelling.

Then I woke up here.

That is all.

Thirteen years.

Mom said thirteen years are gone.

I don't understand how years can be gone.

That afternoon, Mom brought me peach rings.

She put the bag beside me without saying anything.

"What are those?"

She stopped.

"Your favorite."

I tried one because of the way she was looking at me.

It was awful.

Too sweet.

I spit it into my hand.

"I don't like these."

Mom stared at me.

Then she left the room.

The next morning, there was cinnamon cereal on the counter.

I asked if Dad had bought it.

Mom looked at the box for a long time.

"No," she said.

She put it in the pantry.

Later, I heard her crying in there.

Dad asked if I wanted to visit the river sometime.

I said no.

I hate the river.

I know I hate it.

I remember cold water.

I remember screaming.

Dad carrying me away.

But there is another memory in my head too.

Warm rocks.

Sunshine.

Candy melting against my fingers.

Happiness.

I can see it as clearly as anything.

It just doesn't feel like mine.

It feels like when somebody tells you the same story so many times that eventually you know all the words.

Grandma told me what she thinks happened.

She says she doesn't know for sure.

Something was near me that day with the beads.

Maybe it came with us.

Maybe it was already there.

Maybe it had been close before that.

The beads did not cause it.

She is certain about that.

She is less certain about everything else.

"What was it?" I asked.

"I don't know."

"Was it bad?"

Grandma didn't answer right away.

"I thought so."

"Do you still?"

She looked toward the doorway.

"I don't know."

I asked where I had been.

That made her cry.

She said maybe I had been here the whole time.

Quiet.

That is the word she used.

Quiet.

I hate that word.

There are pictures all over my room.

Birthdays.

Christmas.

School dances.

Graduation.

Sometimes when I look at them, I know things.

Names.

Places.

What happened just before the picture was taken.

What somebody said afterward.

But knowing isn't remembering.

There is a boy in several photographs with his arm around me.

I know his name.

I know where he lives.

I know that he hates pickles and lies about being afraid of spiders.

I don't remember meeting him.

Mom forgets sometimes.

Dad does too.

He starts telling a story and stops halfway through.

Sometimes he looks at me like he's waiting for me to finish a joke I don't know.

Once I heard Mom talking to him downstairs.

"I know she's back," she said.

Dad didn't answer.

Mom started crying.

"Is it terrible that I miss her?"

A long time passed.

Then Dad said, "I miss her too."

They didn't know I was listening.

I think about the girl who was here before I woke up.

Mom hates when I call her that.

She says there wasn't a girl before me.

There was me.

But that isn't true.

Not exactly.

She knew Mom better than I do.

She knew how Dad took his coffee.

She picked these clothes.

She learned to drive.

She graduated.

She loved the river.

She thought she was me.

At the end, she was terrified.

She begged Grandma to stop.

Maybe Grandma saved me.

Maybe she killed her.

Maybe both things are true.

I asked Grandma once whether the other girl knew what she was.

Grandma said she didn't know.

I asked whether it mattered.

She didn't answer.

Mom keeps telling me she's happy I am back.

She hugs me a lot.

I hug her too.

I remember loving her.

Sometimes I even feel it before I remember I'm supposed to.

Everyone says I am myself again.

I just wish I remembered being her.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 2 days ago

What Stayed With Me

The first time I smelled it, I thought I was having a stroke.

Not because I knew what a stroke felt like. I was eighteen, reasonably healthy, and had spent most of my life treating sleep as a loose suggestion. But everybody knows the burnt-toast thing. You smell toast when there isn't any toast, and you're supposed to call 911 before half your face slides off.

Except this wasn't toast.

I was lying in bed with a bag of peach rings balanced on my stomach when the smell came through my room strongly enough to make me sit up.

Warm and earthy.

Almost smoke, but not quite.

Damp stone. Crushed leaves. Something faintly sweet underneath.

Nothing was burning.

Dad was asleep on the couch. Mom had gone to bed.

Grandma was in the guest room.

That mattered because she'd arrived eleven days ago, and the smell had been happening almost that long.

The headaches had started earlier. Sharp pressure behind my eyes. Then came the pinching.

That's the only word I've found for it.

Something beneath my skin would catch a tiny fold of me from the inside and twist.

My arms. My stomach. The back of my neck.

There was never a mark afterward.

I'd already gone to urgent care. Everything was normal. The doctor told me to drink more water.

Mom bought me an enormous insulated bottle and left chocolate-covered pretzels beside it.

"For hydration?" I asked.

"Those are obviously medicinal."

I've always liked sweet things.

Apparently I had a comfort food group.

Grandma had habits too.

She folded dish towels into perfect thirds. She complained that Dad's coffee tasted like "hot brown water." She watched the evening news at a volume that made Dad retreat upstairs.

And she left glasses of water in strange places.

Behind the front door.

On top of the refrigerator.

Near the hallway leading to my room.

Leaves appeared beside the back entrance. Sometimes I woke before sunrise and found a candle burning in the kitchen.

"Religious thing," Mom said when I asked.

"What religion requires hydration stations?"

Mom smiled.

Grandma didn't.

Grandma was my mother's mother, but I barely knew her. She had spent most of my life in Mexico, and she and Mom had gone years without speaking.

My only clear memory of her was from when I was five.

Maybe six.

A crowded room. Candles. Women speaking quietly. Bowls of water and flowers.

A necklace lay on a white cloth.

I reached for it.

Grandma grabbed my wrist.

She shouted.

I remember crying. Her hand hurting me.

For most of my life, I'd remembered her as angry.

When she arrived at our house, she stood in the driveway wearing a pale blue blouse and looking much smaller than the monster my childhood had preserved.

She hugged Mom.

She hugged Dad.

Then she looked at me.

For one uncomfortable second, she just stared.

"Elena."

The way she said my name bothered me.

She sounded like someone who hadn't expected to see me.

I started avoiding her after the headaches got worse.

Then one afternoon I walked into the kitchen and found her whispering over a glass of water.

Pain stabbed behind my left eye so hard I caught myself against the counter.

"Stop."

Grandma opened her eyes.

The whispering stopped.

So did the pain.

Not slowly.

Immediately.

I stared at her.

She stared back.

Neither of us said anything.

That night I told Mom.

"I swear to you, every time she does one of those things, I get sick."

"She's praying."

"Cool. Why does her praying make my skull feel like it's splitting open?"

"It doesn't."

"You weren't in my skull, so I'm not sure you're qualified to say that."

Mom turned off the faucet harder than necessary.

"Your grandmother loves you."

"She doesn't know me."

Something moved across her face.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Two nights later, I woke at 2:13 in the morning with the smell filling my room so strongly I could taste it.

Earth.

Smoke.

Damp stone.

Then something twisted beneath my ribs.

A strip of light showed under my door.

I opened it.

Grandma was sitting on the hallway floor.

A glass of water rested beside her. My blue sweatshirt was spread across her lap, and she was moving one hand slowly above it while whispering under her breath.

"Are you serious?"

She stopped.

"What are you doing with my clothes?"

"I'm helping you."

"By sitting outside my room with my sweatshirt at two in the morning?"

"I know you are hurting."

"Because of you."

Her expression changed.

Not anger.

Sadness.

That frightened me more.

"You think that because you don't understand."

"Then explain it."

Something pinched the inside of my forearm.

I grabbed it.

Grandma's eyes went straight to the spot.

"There," I said. "You're doing it right now."

Her voice became very soft.

"It hurts because it wants me to stop."

Cold moved through me.

"What does?"

For the first time since she'd arrived, Grandma looked unsure.

"I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"I know something is wrong. That is not the same as knowing what it is."

The pinching tightened.

Grandma reached toward me.

I stepped back.

"Don't."

"Elena—"

I locked my door.

The next morning I confronted her in the kitchen.

Mom was there.

So was Dad, although he became very interested in his coffee the second voices were raised.

"What religion?" I asked.

Grandma looked at Mom before answering.

"Lukumí. Some people call it Santería."

I looked toward the glass of water near the door.

"And that's what all this is?"

"Some of it."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I'm praying. It means I'm trying to protect this house. It means I am doing what I know how to do."

"With my clothes."

"Because they belong to you."

The old memory came back so clearly that my wrist seemed to ache.

"The necklace."

Grandma went still.

"What?"

"When I was little. You grabbed me because I touched a necklace."

Mom stopped moving.

Grandma lowered herself into a chair.

"You remember that?"

"Of course I remember it."

"You were very young."

"You screamed at me."

"I was scared."

"You were angry."

"I was scared."

"There was nothing to be scared of. I was a kid."

"I know."

She looked suddenly exhausted.

"Those beads were not cursed, Elena. They were sacred. They had been received for someone else. You should not have touched them, but touching them did not cause this."

"Cause what?"

No one answered.

I looked at Mom.

"What aren't you telling me?"

Mom sat across from me.

"When you were little, your grandmother thought something had changed."

I laughed once because the alternative was not laughing.

"Changed how?"

Grandma answered.

"You became different."

"Kids become different."

"Yes."

"So?"

She folded her hands.

"You had been terrified of water. Then you loved it. Foods you refused became your favorites. Sometimes you knew things that had happened but couldn't tell me anything about being there."

"That's your evidence?"

"No."

"What else?"

She studied my face.

"Sometimes you looked at people as though you were learning them."

My stomach tightened.

Mom said, "I thought she'd frightened you. I thought she was seeing danger because she expected to see it."

"And?"

"And I told her to leave you alone."

Grandma looked away.

"For years," Mom said, "I thought she was wrong."

I pushed back from the table.

"And now?"

No one stopped me when I left.

That night Mom pulled an old photo album from the hall closet.

She didn't explain why.

We sat on the floor of her bedroom turning pages.

Birthdays.

Halloween costumes.

Christmas mornings.

Then the river.

I smiled before I meant to.

"God, I loved that place."

Mom looked at me.

"You did eventually."

I turned toward her.

"What does that mean?"

"You were terrified of it when you were little."

"No I wasn't."

"Elena."

She turned a page.

Dad was carrying me away from the river.

I was screaming.

Not whining. Not crying because I'd fallen.

Screaming.

My fists were twisted in Dad's shirt. My entire body was trying to climb higher into his arms.

I stared at the picture.

"I remember that trip."

"Do you?"

"Yes."

Sun through cottonwoods.

Dad's red cooler.

Strawberry candies in a plastic bag.

Warm rocks beneath my legs.

The current outside our tent at night.

I knew all of it.

But when I tried to remember anything immediately before the photograph was taken, there was nothing.

Not darkness.

Nothing.

Just the picture.

A fact with no edges around it.

Mom closed the album.

Neither of us spoke.

The next morning, I lost twenty minutes.

One second I was sitting on my bed watching videos.

The next, I was downstairs with my shoes on and my hand wrapped around the front-door lock.

Dad was standing behind me.

"Going somewhere?"

"I don't know."

He laughed.

Then he saw my face.

"I was upstairs."

"What?"

"I was just upstairs."

"I heard you come down."

"I don't remember it."

Dad looked toward the staircase.

That was the moment he stopped joking about any of this.

That night I dreamed about the river.

I was small.

Someone was carrying me.

I could hear myself screaming.

When I woke, there was dirt on the bottoms of my feet.

Two days later, pain ripped across my stomach while I was walking down the hall.

I folded against the wall.

Dad caught me before I hit the floor.

From the laundry room, Grandma's voice stopped.

So did the pain.

Dad looked through the doorway.

Grandma was kneeling beside one of my shirts.

For several seconds, nobody moved.

Later, I heard Grandma and Mom talking behind the laundry-room door.

"I can't keep doing it little by little," Grandma said.

Mom's voice shook.

"You said you weren't sure."

"I wasn't."

"And now?"

"When I pray over something that belongs to her, it reacts before Elena knows I'm doing anything."

A pause.

"It's holding too tightly."

I stepped into the doorway.

"What's holding too tightly?"

Mom turned.

Her face told me everything before she spoke.

She believed her.

That terrified me more than Grandma ever had.

They called what Grandma wanted to do a cleansing.

I called it absolutely not.

"I went to a doctor."

"And they didn't find anything," Mom said.

"So now we're doing an exorcism?"

"It's not an exorcism," Grandma said.

"Stop telling me things aren't what they obviously are."

"I don't know what this is."

"That's reassuring."

"But I know what happens when I pray."

"You hurt me."

Grandma's mouth tightened.

Then she said, "Yes."

Everyone went quiet.

She didn't defend herself.

Didn't tell me the pain wasn't real.

Just yes.

Mom covered her mouth.

Grandma continued.

"I think the pain comes from separating something that has been joined for a long time."

"To me?"

"I don't know."

"What if you're wrong?"

Her eyes filled.

"Then I will have hurt you for nothing."

"And if you're right?"

No one answered.

That was worse.

We did it Saturday morning.

Morning light came through the curtains.

Grandma pushed the coffee table aside. Beside her sat a bowl of water, leaves, a candle, and a piece of white cloth.

Nothing looked dramatic enough.

I had expected, I don't know, thunder.

Something worthy of being terrified.

Instead Dad moved his coffee mug out of the way.

Mom cried silently.

Grandma told me to sit.

"I hate all of you."

Dad nodded.

"That's fair."

Under any other circumstances, I might have laughed.

Grandma knelt in front of me.

"Whatever happens, listen to me."

"Not fight you?"

"No."

She shook her head.

"Fight if you need to. Just listen."

She touched my forehead.

The smell hit me all at once.

Earth.

Smoke.

Water.

And underneath it, something familiar enough to hurt.

Grandma began praying.

Pressure swelled behind my eyes.

She moved the leaves over my shoulders and down my arms.

Everywhere they passed burned.

"Stop."

She kept praying.

"Please."

Mom came closer.

"I'm here, baby."

"Then make her stop."

I tried to stand.

My legs didn't work.

The room lurched upward.

For one impossible second, I became very small.

Not felt small.

Was small.

The couch towered over me.

Mom's face looked too far away.

My name is Elena Morales.

The thought came so clearly that I grabbed onto it.

I'm eighteen.

That's Mom.

That's Dad.

This is our house.

Grandma kept praying.

My name is Elena.

I'm eighteen.

Mom.

Dad.

Home.

Then I heard the river.

Water moving over stones.

Sun through trees.

Candy sticking between my fingers.

Warm rocks beneath my legs.

Dad laughing.

Mom calling my name.

I loved that place.

I—

Cold water.

A scream.

My scream.

Dad lifting me away from the bank.

No.

That hadn't happened.

My name is Elena.

I love the river.

I love—

Candles.

A crowded room.

Bowls of water and flowers.

A necklace on white cloth.

A little girl reached toward it.

Grandma turned.

Her face changed.

She lunged.

Her hand closed around the girl's wrist.

And I watched it happen.

From across the room.

I stopped breathing.

No.

The memory snapped back.

I was the little girl.

Grandma was holding my wrist.

I was crying.

Then I was near the doorway again.

Watching.

Then inside the little girl's body.

Then outside it.

Each time the memory changed, something inside me tore.

"No."

Grandma's prayer faltered.

"That's not right."

She was crying now.

"I'm remembering it wrong."

Grandma touched my cheek.

"No, mi amor."

"My name is Elena."

Behind her, Mom made a sound like she had been hit.

I looked at her.

My mother.

I knew she sang the wrong lyrics to songs even after being corrected.

I knew she kept emergency cash inside an old birthday card in her dresser.

I knew Dad couldn't sleep without the television on.

I knew the squeak in the third stair.

I knew where Mom hid Christmas presents.

I knew Dad always checked the back door twice.

I knew the scar on his thumb came from opening a can when I was twelve.

I knew all of them.

I knew everything.

It was my life.

Grandma pressed her forehead against mine.

"You have to let go."

"Of what?"

"Please."

"I don't understand."

The smell became unbearable.

Water.

Smoke.

Earth.

The river roaring somewhere inside the room.

"I'm Elena."

Grandma squeezed my hands.

Something in her face collapsed.

"No, mi amor."

Something inside me gave way.

It wasn't pain.

It was like reaching for a railing in the dark and finding nothing there.

I reached for my name.

Elena.

Then the river.

My parents.

Peach rings.

Christmas.

My blue sweatshirt.

Graduation.

The boy who kissed me behind the gym and apologized afterward because he'd missed my mouth.

The scar beneath my chin.

Driving alone for the first time.

Dad teaching me to change a tire.

Mom falling asleep beside me during a movie and denying it when she woke up.

Everything I had ever called mine.

All of it came apart in my hands.

I tried to remember my face.

I couldn't.

Then there was nothing.

When I opened my eyes, Mom was holding me.

She looked old.

That was the first thing I noticed.

There was gray in her hair.

Dad looked old too.

I asked what happened.

Mom hugged me so hard it hurt.

Grandma was kneeling nearby.

I became scared when I saw her.

Then I remembered candles.

The necklace.

Her hand around my wrist.

But she looked old now too.

"Where are we?"

Mom pulled back.

"Home."

I knew the house.

Except I didn't.

The walls were the wrong color.

Dad's cabinet was gone.

There was a television where the bookcase used to be.

I asked where my toys were.

Dad turned away.

Mom took me upstairs.

My room was worse.

A big bed.

Clothes I didn't recognize.

Makeup on the dresser.

Photographs covering the mirror.

In one of them, a girl in a cap and gown stood between Mom and Dad.

She looked like me.

I picked it up.

"Who is that?"

Mom made a strange sound.

I knew the answer somehow.

That frightened me.

"How old am I?"

Nobody answered.

Then Mom said, "Eighteen."

I thought she was lying.

I went to the mirror.

There was a girl in it.

She moved when I moved.

I touched my face.

She touched hers.

There was a scar beneath my chin.

I knew that scar.

I remembered Dad wiping blood off my shirt.

I did not remember getting hurt.

Mom said it happened when I was nine.

I don't remember being nine.

I remember the beads.

I remember Grandma yelling.

Then I woke up here.

That is all.

Thirteen years.

Mom said thirteen years are gone.

I don't understand how years can be gone.

That afternoon, Mom brought me peach rings.

She put the bag beside me without saying anything.

"What are those?"

She stopped.

"Your favorite."

I tried one because of the way she was looking at me.

It was awful.

Too sweet.

I spit it into my hand.

"I don't like these."

Mom stared at me.

Then she left the room.

The next morning, there was cinnamon cereal on the counter.

I asked if Dad had bought it.

Mom looked at the box for a long time.

"No," she said.

She put it in the pantry.

Later, I heard her crying in there.

Dad asked if I wanted to visit the river sometime.

I said no.

I hate the river.

I know I hate it.

I remember cold water.

I remember screaming.

Dad carrying me away.

But there is another memory in my head too.

Warm rocks.

Sunshine.

Candy melting against my fingers.

Happiness.

I can see it as clearly as anything.

It just doesn't feel like mine.

It feels like when somebody tells you the same story so many times that eventually you know all the words.

Grandma told me what she thinks happened.

She says she doesn't know for sure.

Something was near me that day with the beads.

Maybe it came with us.

Maybe it was already there.

Maybe it had been close before that.

The beads did not cause it.

She is certain about that.

She is less certain about everything else.

"What was it?" I asked.

"I don't know."

"Was it bad?"

Grandma didn't answer right away.

"I thought so."

"Do you still?"

She looked toward the doorway.

"I don't know."

I asked where I had been.

That made her cry.

She said maybe I had been here the whole time.

Quiet.

That is the word she used.

Quiet.

I hate that word.

There are pictures all over my room.

Birthdays.

Christmas.

School dances.

Graduation.

Sometimes when I look at them, I know things.

Names.

Places.

What happened just before the picture was taken.

What somebody said afterward.

But knowing isn't remembering.

There is a boy in several photographs with his arm around me.

I know his name.

I know where he lives.

I know that he hates pickles and lies about being afraid of spiders.

I don't remember meeting him.

Mom forgets sometimes.

Dad does too.

He starts telling a story and stops halfway through.

Sometimes he looks at me like he's waiting for me to finish a joke I don't know.

Once I heard Mom talking to him downstairs.

"I know she's back," she said.

Dad didn't answer.

Mom started crying.

"Is it terrible that I miss her?"

A long time passed.

Then Dad said, "I miss her too."

They didn't know I was listening.

I think about the girl who was here before I woke up.

Mom hates when I call her that.

She says there wasn't a girl before me.

There was me.

But that isn't true.

Not exactly.

She knew Mom better than I do.

She knew how Dad took his coffee.

She picked these clothes.

She learned to drive.

She graduated.

She loved the river.

She thought she was me.

At the end, she was terrified.

She begged Grandma to stop.

Maybe Grandma saved me.

Maybe she killed her.

Maybe both things are true.

I asked Grandma once whether the other girl knew what she was.

Grandma said she didn't know.

I asked whether it mattered.

She didn't answer.

Mom keeps telling me she's happy I am back.

She hugs me a lot.

I hug her too.

I remember loving her.

Sometimes I even feel it before I remember I'm supposed to.

Everyone says I am myself again.

I just wish I remembered being her.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 2 days ago

Cinnamon

My wife printed one hundred and eighty-six missing-dog flyers today.

I know because I counted them, though not on purpose. I was sitting at the kitchen table cutting the tabs along the bottom—the ones with her phone number printed vertically—and counting gave me something to do besides watch her come apart.

Across the top of every page, in a font much larger than necessary, she'd written:

MISSING YORKIE — PLEASE HELP US BRING CINNA HOME

Underneath was a picture from last Christmas. Cinna sat on the arm of our couch in a red sweater, one ear standing straight up and the other folded over. She always looked irritated in pictures, which was funny because she was probably the sweetest dog I'd ever known.

Below the picture Dana had listed everything strangers needed to know: eight pounds, tan and gray, pink collar, very friendly, might be scared.

At the bottom, in bold:

SHE IS OUR FAMILY.

Dana stood at the counter feeding sheets through the paper cutter one at a time. She hadn't slept properly in three nights. Her hair was still twisted into yesterday's knot, and there were dark circles beneath her eyes.

"That's enough," I told her.

She kept cutting.

"Dana."

"I heard you."

"It's supposed to hit a hundred and two today."

"I know."

"You've already done the whole neighborhood."

"I haven't done the apartments behind the elementary school."

"You did those yesterday."

"I did the front building."

She slid another flyer beneath the blade. I reached across the table and put my hand on the remaining stack.

"Please. Take an hour."

"What if somebody saw her and they don't have one of these?"

"You've put them on every telephone pole from here to Chapman."

"Then I'll go farther."

There was no anger in her voice. I almost wished there had been.

I let go of the stack and told her to take water. She said she would. I reminded her she'd said the same thing yesterday and had come home with nearly a full bottle.

That got the smallest smile.

"Okay, Dad."

"I mean it."

"I know."

She bent down, kissed the top of my head, gathered another armful of flyers and left.

I watched from the front window until she disappeared around the corner.

Cinna had been gone for three days, and I could already see what it was doing to my wife.

People kept telling us dogs got out all the time. Somebody probably picked her up. Yorkies didn't make it far on their own. Keep checking shelters. Put her picture online.

They meant well.

They didn't know Dana.

More importantly, they didn't know what it had taken to get her back.

When I met my wife, she had more energy than anyone I'd ever known and apparently no interest in wasting it.

She worked in marketing for a medical-device company. By thirty she was managing people older than both of us. She ran half-marathons, remembered everyone's birthday and kept a calendar that looked like it required air-traffic control.

She was exhausting.

I loved her for it.

Work was the only thing we really fought about.

I'd make dinner and get a text at seven saying a meeting had run late. We'd make Saturday plans and she'd need to log in for twenty minutes, which had a strange tendency to become two hours.

Once, during an anniversary dinner, I realized we'd spent most of the appetizer talking about a presentation she had Monday.

"Why do you work this hard?" I asked.

"Because I like it."

"I know. But sometimes I feel like you're killing yourself for a job."

She looked at me. "That's dramatic."

"I miss you."

That stopped her.

Sometimes it seemed like her office got the best version of my wife and I got whatever was left at eight-thirty at night. She told me her career mattered to her, that she was good at what she did and wasn't going to apologize for caring about it.

I said I understood.

Usually I did.

For a while we had rats getting into the detached garage behind the house, and that somehow became my responsibility.

I'd promised to deal with them, then forgot.

One night Dana came home after nine and found droppings beside a bag of dog food we'd bought for her parents' Labrador.

"We have got to do something about this."

"I know."

"You've been saying that for a month."

"I'll do it tomorrow."

"You said that last week."

"I've been busy too, Dana."

She dropped her keys on the counter.

"Maybe that's why I stay at the office. At least they don't have rats."

It wasn't her best joke.

We laughed about it later.

The next morning I finally dealt with the problem. Traps, poison, cleaning out the back shelves.

Dana disliked the poison immediately.

"I hate having that in here."

"It's in the cabinet."

"What if something gets into it?"

"Then we'll keep the garage closed."

She gave me the look she used when I'd missed the point.

Later, after she got pregnant and we started childproofing the house, she made me go through the garage again—loose screws, nails, old traps, anything dangerous I might have forgotten back when there were no children to worry about.

Pregnancy was the first thing I'd ever seen make Dana slow down.

She was frightened almost immediately.

There were heart problems in her family. Not the clogged-artery sort everybody eventually worries about, but something congenital. Hereditary.

Her younger sister died when Dana was four. She remembered almost nothing about the girl herself. A yellow dress. Sharing a bedroom. The fact that she hated peas.

What Dana remembered was the night she died: her mother screaming, a paramedic stepping on one of Dana's toys, someone carrying her sister down the hallway with one tiny arm hanging loose.

So every appointment frightened her. Every test. Every pause before a doctor said everything looked fine.

Our daughter was born on a Tuesday morning in March.

Sophie.

Seven pounds, two ounces, an unreasonable amount of dark hair and a scream that sounded too large to have come from her.

When they put Sophie on Dana's chest, my wife cried so hard I thought something was wrong. Then I realized she was laughing too.

I'd never seen another person look that happy.

I loved Sophie from the moment I saw her. Before she existed there had been a version of my life without her, and after I met her that version became impossible to picture.

Dana took four months off work.

Those were probably the happiest months of our marriage.

I know how that sounds.

I'd come home and they'd be there—Dana on the couch with Sophie asleep against her chest, or Sophie kicking in the little vibrating chair while Dana cooked. We took walks after dinner. We ate together. Weekends belonged to us.

Sometimes I'd stand in the kitchen listening to Dana talk nonsense to the baby in the next room and think that this was what all of it had been for.

The house felt right with her in it.

A few months later Sophie started eating purées. Apple and cinnamon was the first one she really loved.

The first time Dana opened one of the jars, I could smell the cinnamon from across the kitchen.

"Maybe that's why the rats never came back," I said.

Dana looked over at me. "What?"

"Cinnamon. I read somewhere they hate it."

"We haven't had rats in two years."

"I know. Something about the smell being too strong." I shrugged. "Covers up whatever else they're trying to sniff out."

Dana stared at me.

"So Sophie is pest control now?"

"Finally earning her keep."

"You're horrible."

She was smiling when she said it.

Sophie saw the spoon coming and opened her mouth like a baby bird, then somehow got half of it on her cheeks anyway.

Dana laughed and wiped her chin.

After that she started calling her Cinnamon.

At first it was my little Cinnamon girl. Then just Cinnamon. Sometimes Cinny when Dana was tired.

"She's going to hate us when she's fifteen and we tell people about this," Dana said once.

"Then we won't tell anybody."

"I'm telling everybody."

"You're a terrible mother."

"I know."

Sophie slapped both hands into the tray and Dana laughed hard enough to nearly drop the spoon.

I remember that afternoon better than I remember most of that year.

The heart issue appeared during a routine appointment.

A murmur.

Maybe nothing, the pediatrician said. Maybe something.

A cardiologist found enough to watch but not enough to panic over, which meant Dana panicked constantly.

She wanted to know whether it was what her sister had. Whether she'd passed it to Sophie. Whether a baby with a heart problem could simply stop breathing in her sleep.

The doctor was careful with his answers.

I wasn't.

"She's fine," I'd tell Dana afterward.

"You don't know that."

"Neither do you."

"What if it's the same thing?"

"It isn't."

"How do you know?"

"Because I'm her dad and I've decided."

Sometimes that made her smile.

Dana extended her leave another month, then another.

Eventually her company began asking when she intended to return, and Dana decided she was ready.

She missed adult conversations. She missed dressing for somewhere other than Target. She missed being good at something that didn't involve keeping another human alive.

I told her we'd make it work.

Daycare three days a week. Dana's mother one day. I shifted my schedule when I could.

The first time she came home late again, I remember looking at the clock.

7:42.

Sophie was asleep against me and dinner had gone cold.

Dana came through the door apologizing, kissed the baby, kissed me and immediately started explaining some crisis at work.

"Five weeks back and they've already chained you to the desk."

She stopped.

"Don't start."

"I'm not starting anything."

"That tone is starting something."

"I don't have a tone."

"You absolutely have a tone."

Sophie woke before either of us could say anything else.

Dana had only been back at work a few weeks when she died.

We put Sophie down like normal.

That was the part Dana could never get past.

There had been no dramatic warning. No fever, no crying, nothing that would have made either of us sit beside the crib all night. She ate, played, fell asleep, and sometime before morning her heart stopped.

Dana found her.

I don't like remembering what happened after that.

The nursery was cold. Dana was making a sound I had never heard from another human being. Paramedics came. Police came. Our house filled with people while Sophie was somewhere else.

Someone went through the standard questions with us. Medications. Cleaning products. Anything unusual in the house. Anything she might have reached.

Dana answered most of them before I could.

"We babyproofed everything."

Then she looked at me.

I nodded.

With Sophie's heart and Dana's family history, everyone had an explanation ready.

Her sister had died young. Sophie's cardiologist had already found something worth monitoring. Sometimes these things happened suddenly, we were told. Sometimes there wasn't time to prevent them.

Dana heard something else.

You gave this to her.

And because she'd gone back to work, she found another way to blame herself.

"I should've been here."

"You were here."

"I mean with her."

"She was sleeping."

"What if I missed something?"

"You didn't."

"What if I hadn't gone back?"

"Dana."

"I left her."

"You went to work."

"I left her."

For years I told my wife the same things.

It wasn't your fault.

You couldn't have known.

You loved her.

There was nothing you could have done.

Going back to work did not kill our daughter.

Some nights I said it ten times.

Dana resigned two weeks after the funeral.

I was relieved.

That is one of the things I never told her.

Of course she couldn't have gone back then. Nobody could have. But some part of me was relieved there would be no deadlines, no meetings, no laptop chirping at nine at night.

I thought grief might force everything else to become smaller for a while.

I thought we'd simply exist together until we healed.

That isn't what happened.

The first year was unbearable.

The second was quieter.

Dana stopped seeing friends because most of them had children. Invitations stopped coming after enough polite refusals.

She didn't go back to work.

She didn't go much of anywhere.

I cooked and cleaned and handled bills. I sat with her when she couldn't sleep.

I learned there are only so many ways to answer the question, Do you think she knew I loved her?

Yes.

Always yes.

Of course she knew.

I loved my wife through all of it, but after a few years I began to resent the dead.

That's uglier than saying I was tired, but it's closer to the truth.

I resented Mother's Day. Sophie's birthday. The anniversary of the day she died. I resented strangers' children for having the wrong laugh in grocery stores.

Once, on what would have been Sophie's third birthday, Dana wanted to spend the evening looking through photographs.

I told her I had a headache.

I didn't.

I sat in the bedroom watching something stupid on my phone while my wife cried alone in the living room, and for almost twenty minutes I enjoyed the quiet.

I hated myself afterward.

Mostly.

More than anything, I missed my wife.

Not even the woman she'd been before Sophie. I knew we weren't getting that woman back.

I would've settled for someone who laughed occasionally. Someone who wanted to go to dinner. Someone who could sit through a stupid movie without disappearing halfway through it.

I lasted almost four years before I brought home Cinna.

She fit in one hand.

A coworker's sister had Yorkie puppies, and I'd gone over telling myself I was only looking. One climbed into my lap and fell asleep there.

I sent Dana a picture.

She replied:

No.

I brought the puppy home anyway.

For approximately five minutes, Dana was furious.

"We talked about this."

"No, I sent you a picture and you said no."

"That's generally considered talking."

"You haven't held her."

"I don't want to hold her."

"Fine."

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Hand me the dog while I'm telling you I don't want the dog."

I handed her the dog.

The puppy licked her chin.

Dana laughed.

Actually laughed.

Not the polite little breath she'd been using for years when she knew I was trying to cheer her up. A real laugh, sudden and surprised.

For one embarrassing second I thought I might cry.

The puppy didn't have a name yet.

I suggested Penny.

Dana suggested Cinna.

I knew immediately what she meant.

"No."

Her smile faltered. "What?"

"That's weird."

"It isn't weird."

"It's a little weird."

"It's after Cinnamon."

"I know what it's after."

Dana tucked the puppy against her chest. "I like it."

I remember looking at the two of them and thinking that naming a dog after our dead daughter was one grief-therapy exercise too far.

But Dana was smiling.

So Cinna it was.

And I have to give the little dog credit.

She accomplished what therapists, medication, family and I hadn't.

She gave Dana reasons to leave the house.

At first it was walks because Cinna refused to use the backyard. Once around the block became twice, then the park.

Dana started getting dressed earlier because Cinna woke at seven. She spoke to neighbors, then friends.

Pictures appeared on her phone that weren't old photographs of Sophie.

Dana and Cinna at the beach.

Cinna sitting upright in the passenger seat of Dana's car like a tiny disapproving grandmother.

Dana started cooking again. She played music in the kitchen. She made fun of me.

One night about six months ago she laughed so hard at something stupid I said that she snorted.

She clapped both hands over her face.

"Oh my God."

I couldn't stop smiling.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I missed that."

She knew what I meant.

She leaned over and kissed me.

For the first time in years, I thought maybe we'd made it.

After that, the walks got longer. She started having coffee with a woman two streets over who owned some kind of terrier. Once she and Cinna were gone almost three hours because they'd driven to a park across town.

I teased her about having a social life.

I was glad she did.

A few months later, I came home and found Dana at the kitchen table with her old laptop open.

"What are you doing?"

She tilted the screen away from me in a way that was meant to be playful.

"Nothing."

"That's suspicious."

"I'm updating my résumé."

I looked at the screen.

"Just updating it," she said.

"I didn't say anything."

"You did that thing with your face."

"What thing?"

"That thing."

"I don't have a thing."

"You absolutely have a thing."

She smiled and turned the laptop back around.

"I've been thinking maybe part-time. Or consulting. Something small."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be okay?"

She studied me for a second.

Then she kissed my cheek.

For the next week, the laptop stayed on the kitchen table.

I noticed that.

I also noticed she had started checking her email before breakfast.

Neither of those things meant anything.

Two weeks ago she had résumés printed on thick cream paper.

I told her they looked nice.

The afternoon Cinna disappeared, Dana had taken her into the backyard. Her phone rang and she stepped inside to answer it.

When she went back out, the side gate was open.

No Cinna.

We searched until after midnight.

The next morning we called every shelter within thirty miles. Dana posted everywhere she could think of. We drove slowly through streets with the windows down calling Cinna's name.

I kept telling her Yorkies got picked up. Someone probably had her.

That was better than imagining her on a road somewhere.

By the second day Dana wasn't eating unless I put something directly in front of her.

By the third she wasn't sleeping.

And suddenly it felt like five years ago.

The same frantic eyes. The same bargaining. The same certainty that if she did one more thing, searched one more street, something terrible could still be undone.

"What if somebody stole her?"

"I don't think anybody stole her."

"What if she got hurt?"

"We checked the roads."

"What if she's hiding somewhere?"

"Then somebody will find her."

"What if nobody does?"

"We'll keep looking."

This morning the printer finally ran out of paper.

Even that didn't stop her.

She started feeding in the backs of the résumés she'd had printed two weeks ago, and I sat at the kitchen table cutting tabs while Cinna's face came out on one side and Dana's old life remained neatly formatted on the other.

Job titles.

Promotions.

Awards.

Eleven years of experience.

One page after another disappeared beneath MISSING YORKIE.

I didn't say anything.

It's almost ten now and Dana is still out.

I texted her fifteen minutes ago and told her to come home because it's still ninety-one degrees outside. She replied that she has one more street left, which, knowing my wife, means at least three.

I put a bottle of water in the refrigerator for her. She likes it almost frozen.

There's dinner in the microwave too. She probably won't eat, but I'll make her try.

Tomorrow I'll convince her to stay home for a few hours. Maybe we'll call the shelters together.

I'll drive this time.

She's exhausted, and the heat worries me.

The heat has been worrying me for another reason too.

The garage sits at the back of the yard, separate from the house. There's almost no insulation in there, and the little vent above the side door doesn't do much once the sun has been on the roof all afternoon.

I thought I had longer.

Apparently I didn't.

The smell is bad now.

You can't smell it from the house. You can't even smell it standing a few feet outside the garage.

But open the door and it's there.

Dana hasn't been inside since the first day, when we were still grabbing leashes and flashlights and anything else we thought might help us find Cinna.

She hasn't noticed.

Still, I can't leave her there another day.

Cinna is behind the plastic storage bins along the back wall, wrapped in one of our old moving blankets.

She's so small that hiding her wasn't difficult.

The hard part has been listening to Dana call for her.

Yesterday evening she stood at the end of the driveway shaking the bag of treats.

She called Cinna's name.

Waited.

Called again.

Then finally shouted, "Come home!" into a street that had already gone quiet.

I went inside before she did.

I'll move Cinna tonight after Dana falls asleep.

There's a road about a mile from here where people drive too fast. No sidewalk for part of it, only dry brush and a narrow shoulder.

I'll leave her near there before morning.

Nothing elaborate.

Dana doesn't need an investigation.

She needs an answer.

The gate was open.

Cinna got out.

She wandered too far.

Not knowing is worse.

Give someone an answer and eventually they learn to live around it.

Dana already has.

I hate that she's going to hurt.

But she'll recover.

Cinna proved she can.

I'll cook. I'll sit up with her when she can't sleep. I'll remind her to eat. I'll tell her the gate wasn't her fault, that she couldn't have known, that there was nothing she could have done.

I'll say it as many times as she needs.

Eventually we'll be okay again.

We always are.

Before I move Cinna, I should clean up the garage.

Dana hasn't noticed the cabinet over the workbench is unlocked.

Years ago, when we childproofed the house, she made me promise there was nothing dangerous left in there.

I told her there wasn't.

Most of what I'd bought for the rats is gone now. The traps rusted. The cleaning supplies got used.

There are only a few things shoved behind old paint cans and extension cords, including one battered cardboard box I should have thrown away a long time ago.

I'll get rid of that too.

No reason to keep it.

Funny.

I used to think Cinna was a terrible name. Too morbid, I told Dana. Too much history to hang around the neck of an eight-pound dog.

I suppose I owe my wife an apology.

Both her girls always did love cinnamon.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 2 days ago

Cinnamon

My wife printed one hundred and eighty-six missing-dog flyers today.

I know because I counted them, though not on purpose. I was sitting at the kitchen table cutting the tabs along the bottom—the ones with her phone number printed vertically—and counting gave me something to do besides watch her come apart.

Across the top of every page, in a font much larger than necessary, she'd written:

MISSING YORKIE — PLEASE HELP US BRING CINNA HOME

Underneath was a picture from last Christmas. Cinna sat on the arm of our couch in a red sweater, one ear standing straight up and the other folded over. She always looked irritated in pictures, which was funny because she was probably the sweetest dog I'd ever known.

Below the picture Dana had listed everything strangers needed to know: eight pounds, tan and gray, pink collar, very friendly, might be scared.

At the bottom, in bold:

SHE IS OUR FAMILY.

Dana stood at the counter feeding sheets through the paper cutter one at a time. She hadn't slept properly in three nights. Her hair was still twisted into yesterday's knot, and there were dark circles beneath her eyes.

"That's enough," I told her.

She kept cutting.

"Dana."

"I heard you."

"It's supposed to hit a hundred and two today."

"I know."

"You've already done the whole neighborhood."

"I haven't done the apartments behind the elementary school."

"You did those yesterday."

"I did the front building."

She slid another flyer beneath the blade. I reached across the table and put my hand on the remaining stack.

"Please. Take an hour."

"What if somebody saw her and they don't have one of these?"

"You've put them on every telephone pole from here to Chapman."

"Then I'll go farther."

There was no anger in her voice. I almost wished there had been.

I let go of the stack and told her to take water. She said she would. I reminded her she'd said the same thing yesterday and had come home with nearly a full bottle.

That got the smallest smile.

"Okay, Dad."

"I mean it."

"I know."

She bent down, kissed the top of my head, gathered another armful of flyers and left.

I watched from the front window until she disappeared around the corner.

Cinna had been gone for three days, and I could already see what it was doing to my wife.

People kept telling us dogs got out all the time. Somebody probably picked her up. Yorkies didn't make it far on their own. Keep checking shelters. Put her picture online.

They meant well.

They didn't know Dana.

More importantly, they didn't know what it had taken to get her back.

When I met my wife, she had more energy than anyone I'd ever known and apparently no interest in wasting it.

She worked in marketing for a medical-device company. By thirty she was managing people older than both of us. She ran half-marathons, remembered everyone's birthday and kept a calendar that looked like it required air-traffic control.

She was exhausting.

I loved her for it.

Work was the only thing we really fought about.

I'd make dinner and get a text at seven saying a meeting had run late. We'd make Saturday plans and she'd need to log in for twenty minutes, which had a strange tendency to become two hours.

Once, during an anniversary dinner, I realized we'd spent most of the appetizer talking about a presentation she had Monday.

"Why do you work this hard?" I asked.

"Because I like it."

"I know. But sometimes I feel like you're killing yourself for a job."

She looked at me. "That's dramatic."

"I miss you."

That stopped her.

Sometimes it seemed like her office got the best version of my wife and I got whatever was left at eight-thirty at night. She told me her career mattered to her, that she was good at what she did and wasn't going to apologize for caring about it.

I said I understood.

Usually I did.

For a while we had rats getting into the detached garage behind the house, and that somehow became my responsibility.

I'd promised to deal with them, then forgot.

One night Dana came home after nine and found droppings beside a bag of dog food we'd bought for her parents' Labrador.

"We have got to do something about this."

"I know."

"You've been saying that for a month."

"I'll do it tomorrow."

"You said that last week."

"I've been busy too, Dana."

She dropped her keys on the counter.

"Maybe that's why I stay at the office. At least they don't have rats."

It wasn't her best joke.

We laughed about it later.

The next morning I finally dealt with the problem. Traps, poison, cleaning out the back shelves.

Dana disliked the poison immediately.

"I hate having that in here."

"It's in the cabinet."

"What if something gets into it?"

"Then we'll keep the garage closed."

She gave me the look she used when I'd missed the point.

Later, after she got pregnant and we started childproofing the house, she made me go through the garage again—loose screws, nails, old traps, anything dangerous I might have forgotten back when there were no children to worry about.

Pregnancy was the first thing I'd ever seen make Dana slow down.

She was frightened almost immediately.

There were heart problems in her family. Not the clogged-artery sort everybody eventually worries about, but something congenital. Hereditary.

Her younger sister died when Dana was four. She remembered almost nothing about the girl herself. A yellow dress. Sharing a bedroom. The fact that she hated peas.

What Dana remembered was the night she died: her mother screaming, a paramedic stepping on one of Dana's toys, someone carrying her sister down the hallway with one tiny arm hanging loose.

So every appointment frightened her. Every test. Every pause before a doctor said everything looked fine.

Our daughter was born on a Tuesday morning in March.

Sophie.

Seven pounds, two ounces, an unreasonable amount of dark hair and a scream that sounded too large to have come from her.

When they put Sophie on Dana's chest, my wife cried so hard I thought something was wrong. Then I realized she was laughing too.

I'd never seen another person look that happy.

I loved Sophie from the moment I saw her. Before she existed there had been a version of my life without her, and after I met her that version became impossible to picture.

Dana took four months off work.

Those were probably the happiest months of our marriage.

I know how that sounds.

I'd come home and they'd be there—Dana on the couch with Sophie asleep against her chest, or Sophie kicking in the little vibrating chair while Dana cooked. We took walks after dinner. We ate together. Weekends belonged to us.

Sometimes I'd stand in the kitchen listening to Dana talk nonsense to the baby in the next room and think that this was what all of it had been for.

The house felt right with her in it.

A few months later Sophie started eating purées. Apple and cinnamon was the first one she really loved.

The first time Dana opened one of the jars, I could smell the cinnamon from across the kitchen.

"Maybe that's why the rats never came back," I said.

Dana looked over at me. "What?"

"Cinnamon. I read somewhere they hate it."

"We haven't had rats in two years."

"I know. Something about the smell being too strong." I shrugged. "Covers up whatever else they're trying to sniff out."

Dana stared at me.

"So Sophie is pest control now?"

"Finally earning her keep."

"You're horrible."

She was smiling when she said it.

Sophie saw the spoon coming and opened her mouth like a baby bird, then somehow got half of it on her cheeks anyway.

Dana laughed and wiped her chin.

After that she started calling her Cinnamon.

At first it was my little Cinnamon girl. Then just Cinnamon. Sometimes Cinny when Dana was tired.

"She's going to hate us when she's fifteen and we tell people about this," Dana said once.

"Then we won't tell anybody."

"I'm telling everybody."

"You're a terrible mother."

"I know."

Sophie slapped both hands into the tray and Dana laughed hard enough to nearly drop the spoon.

I remember that afternoon better than I remember most of that year.

The heart issue appeared during a routine appointment.

A murmur.

Maybe nothing, the pediatrician said. Maybe something.

A cardiologist found enough to watch but not enough to panic over, which meant Dana panicked constantly.

She wanted to know whether it was what her sister had. Whether she'd passed it to Sophie. Whether a baby with a heart problem could simply stop breathing in her sleep.

The doctor was careful with his answers.

I wasn't.

"She's fine," I'd tell Dana afterward.

"You don't know that."

"Neither do you."

"What if it's the same thing?"

"It isn't."

"How do you know?"

"Because I'm her dad and I've decided."

Sometimes that made her smile.

Dana extended her leave another month, then another.

Eventually her company began asking when she intended to return, and Dana decided she was ready.

She missed adult conversations. She missed dressing for somewhere other than Target. She missed being good at something that didn't involve keeping another human alive.

I told her we'd make it work.

Daycare three days a week. Dana's mother one day. I shifted my schedule when I could.

The first time she came home late again, I remember looking at the clock.

7:42.

Sophie was asleep against me and dinner had gone cold.

Dana came through the door apologizing, kissed the baby, kissed me and immediately started explaining some crisis at work.

"Five weeks back and they've already chained you to the desk."

She stopped.

"Don't start."

"I'm not starting anything."

"That tone is starting something."

"I don't have a tone."

"You absolutely have a tone."

Sophie woke before either of us could say anything else.

Dana had only been back at work a few weeks when she died.

We put Sophie down like normal.

That was the part Dana could never get past.

There had been no dramatic warning. No fever, no crying, nothing that would have made either of us sit beside the crib all night. She ate, played, fell asleep, and sometime before morning her heart stopped.

Dana found her.

I don't like remembering what happened after that.

The nursery was cold. Dana was making a sound I had never heard from another human being. Paramedics came. Police came. Our house filled with people while Sophie was somewhere else.

Someone went through the standard questions with us. Medications. Cleaning products. Anything unusual in the house. Anything she might have reached.

Dana answered most of them before I could.

"We babyproofed everything."

Then she looked at me.

I nodded.

With Sophie's heart and Dana's family history, everyone had an explanation ready.

Her sister had died young. Sophie's cardiologist had already found something worth monitoring. Sometimes these things happened suddenly, we were told. Sometimes there wasn't time to prevent them.

Dana heard something else.

You gave this to her.

And because she'd gone back to work, she found another way to blame herself.

"I should've been here."

"You were here."

"I mean with her."

"She was sleeping."

"What if I missed something?"

"You didn't."

"What if I hadn't gone back?"

"Dana."

"I left her."

"You went to work."

"I left her."

For years I told my wife the same things.

It wasn't your fault.

You couldn't have known.

You loved her.

There was nothing you could have done.

Going back to work did not kill our daughter.

Some nights I said it ten times.

Dana resigned two weeks after the funeral.

I was relieved.

That is one of the things I never told her.

Of course she couldn't have gone back then. Nobody could have. But some part of me was relieved there would be no deadlines, no meetings, no laptop chirping at nine at night.

I thought grief might force everything else to become smaller for a while.

I thought we'd simply exist together until we healed.

That isn't what happened.

The first year was unbearable.

The second was quieter.

Dana stopped seeing friends because most of them had children. Invitations stopped coming after enough polite refusals.

She didn't go back to work.

She didn't go much of anywhere.

I cooked and cleaned and handled bills. I sat with her when she couldn't sleep.

I learned there are only so many ways to answer the question, Do you think she knew I loved her?

Yes.

Always yes.

Of course she knew.

I loved my wife through all of it, but after a few years I began to resent the dead.

That's uglier than saying I was tired, but it's closer to the truth.

I resented Mother's Day. Sophie's birthday. The anniversary of the day she died. I resented strangers' children for having the wrong laugh in grocery stores.

Once, on what would have been Sophie's third birthday, Dana wanted to spend the evening looking through photographs.

I told her I had a headache.

I didn't.

I sat in the bedroom watching something stupid on my phone while my wife cried alone in the living room, and for almost twenty minutes I enjoyed the quiet.

I hated myself afterward.

Mostly.

More than anything, I missed my wife.

Not even the woman she'd been before Sophie. I knew we weren't getting that woman back.

I would've settled for someone who laughed occasionally. Someone who wanted to go to dinner. Someone who could sit through a stupid movie without disappearing halfway through it.

I lasted almost four years before I brought home Cinna.

She fit in one hand.

A coworker's sister had Yorkie puppies, and I'd gone over telling myself I was only looking. One climbed into my lap and fell asleep there.

I sent Dana a picture.

She replied:

No.

I brought the puppy home anyway.

For approximately five minutes, Dana was furious.

"We talked about this."

"No, I sent you a picture and you said no."

"That's generally considered talking."

"You haven't held her."

"I don't want to hold her."

"Fine."

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Hand me the dog while I'm telling you I don't want the dog."

I handed her the dog.

The puppy licked her chin.

Dana laughed.

Actually laughed.

Not the polite little breath she'd been using for years when she knew I was trying to cheer her up. A real laugh, sudden and surprised.

For one embarrassing second I thought I might cry.

The puppy didn't have a name yet.

I suggested Penny.

Dana suggested Cinna.

I knew immediately what she meant.

"No."

Her smile faltered. "What?"

"That's weird."

"It isn't weird."

"It's a little weird."

"It's after Cinnamon."

"I know what it's after."

Dana tucked the puppy against her chest. "I like it."

I remember looking at the two of them and thinking that naming a dog after our dead daughter was one grief-therapy exercise too far.

But Dana was smiling.

So Cinna it was.

And I have to give the little dog credit.

She accomplished what therapists, medication, family and I hadn't.

She gave Dana reasons to leave the house.

At first it was walks because Cinna refused to use the backyard. Once around the block became twice, then the park.

Dana started getting dressed earlier because Cinna woke at seven. She spoke to neighbors, then friends.

Pictures appeared on her phone that weren't old photographs of Sophie.

Dana and Cinna at the beach.

Cinna sitting upright in the passenger seat of Dana's car like a tiny disapproving grandmother.

Dana started cooking again. She played music in the kitchen. She made fun of me.

One night about six months ago she laughed so hard at something stupid I said that she snorted.

She clapped both hands over her face.

"Oh my God."

I couldn't stop smiling.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I missed that."

She knew what I meant.

She leaned over and kissed me.

For the first time in years, I thought maybe we'd made it.

After that, the walks got longer. She started having coffee with a woman two streets over who owned some kind of terrier. Once she and Cinna were gone almost three hours because they'd driven to a park across town.

I teased her about having a social life.

I was glad she did.

A few months later, I came home and found Dana at the kitchen table with her old laptop open.

"What are you doing?"

She tilted the screen away from me in a way that was meant to be playful.

"Nothing."

"That's suspicious."

"I'm updating my résumé."

I looked at the screen.

"Just updating it," she said.

"I didn't say anything."

"You did that thing with your face."

"What thing?"

"That thing."

"I don't have a thing."

"You absolutely have a thing."

She smiled and turned the laptop back around.

"I've been thinking maybe part-time. Or consulting. Something small."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be okay?"

She studied me for a second.

Then she kissed my cheek.

For the next week, the laptop stayed on the kitchen table.

I noticed that.

I also noticed she had started checking her email before breakfast.

Neither of those things meant anything.

Two weeks ago she had résumés printed on thick cream paper.

I told her they looked nice.

The afternoon Cinna disappeared, Dana had taken her into the backyard. Her phone rang and she stepped inside to answer it.

When she went back out, the side gate was open.

No Cinna.

We searched until after midnight.

The next morning we called every shelter within thirty miles. Dana posted everywhere she could think of. We drove slowly through streets with the windows down calling Cinna's name.

I kept telling her Yorkies got picked up. Someone probably had her.

That was better than imagining her on a road somewhere.

By the second day Dana wasn't eating unless I put something directly in front of her.

By the third she wasn't sleeping.

And suddenly it felt like five years ago.

The same frantic eyes. The same bargaining. The same certainty that if she did one more thing, searched one more street, something terrible could still be undone.

"What if somebody stole her?"

"I don't think anybody stole her."

"What if she got hurt?"

"We checked the roads."

"What if she's hiding somewhere?"

"Then somebody will find her."

"What if nobody does?"

"We'll keep looking."

This morning the printer finally ran out of paper.

Even that didn't stop her.

She started feeding in the backs of the résumés she'd had printed two weeks ago, and I sat at the kitchen table cutting tabs while Cinna's face came out on one side and Dana's old life remained neatly formatted on the other.

Job titles.

Promotions.

Awards.

Eleven years of experience.

One page after another disappeared beneath MISSING YORKIE.

I didn't say anything.

It's almost ten now and Dana is still out.

I texted her fifteen minutes ago and told her to come home because it's still ninety-one degrees outside. She replied that she has one more street left, which, knowing my wife, means at least three.

I put a bottle of water in the refrigerator for her. She likes it almost frozen.

There's dinner in the microwave too. She probably won't eat, but I'll make her try.

Tomorrow I'll convince her to stay home for a few hours. Maybe we'll call the shelters together.

I'll drive this time.

She's exhausted, and the heat worries me.

The heat has been worrying me for another reason too.

The garage sits at the back of the yard, separate from the house. There's almost no insulation in there, and the little vent above the side door doesn't do much once the sun has been on the roof all afternoon.

I thought I had longer.

Apparently I didn't.

The smell is bad now.

You can't smell it from the house. You can't even smell it standing a few feet outside the garage.

But open the door and it's there.

Dana hasn't been inside since the first day, when we were still grabbing leashes and flashlights and anything else we thought might help us find Cinna.

She hasn't noticed.

Still, I can't leave her there another day.

Cinna is behind the plastic storage bins along the back wall, wrapped in one of our old moving blankets.

She's so small that hiding her wasn't difficult.

The hard part has been listening to Dana call for her.

Yesterday evening she stood at the end of the driveway shaking the bag of treats.

She called Cinna's name.

Waited.

Called again.

Then finally shouted, "Come home!" into a street that had already gone quiet.

I went inside before she did.

I'll move Cinna tonight after Dana falls asleep.

There's a road about a mile from here where people drive too fast. No sidewalk for part of it, only dry brush and a narrow shoulder.

I'll leave her near there before morning.

Nothing elaborate.

Dana doesn't need an investigation.

She needs an answer.

The gate was open.

Cinna got out.

She wandered too far.

Not knowing is worse.

Give someone an answer and eventually they learn to live around it.

Dana already has.

I hate that she's going to hurt.

But she'll recover.

Cinna proved she can.

I'll cook. I'll sit up with her when she can't sleep. I'll remind her to eat. I'll tell her the gate wasn't her fault, that she couldn't have known, that there was nothing she could have done.

I'll say it as many times as she needs.

Eventually we'll be okay again.

We always are.

Before I move Cinna, I should clean up the garage.

Dana hasn't noticed the cabinet over the workbench is unlocked.

Years ago, when we childproofed the house, she made me promise there was nothing dangerous left in there.

I told her there wasn't.

Most of what I'd bought for the rats is gone now. The traps rusted. The cleaning supplies got used.

There are only a few things shoved behind old paint cans and extension cords, including one battered cardboard box I should have thrown away a long time ago.

I'll get rid of that too.

No reason to keep it.

Funny.

I used to think Cinna was a terrible name. Too morbid, I told Dana. Too much history to hang around the neck of an eight-pound dog.

I suppose I owe my wife an apology.

Both her girls always did love cinnamon.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 2 days ago

Cinnamon

My wife printed one hundred and eighty-six missing-dog flyers today.

I know because I counted them, though not on purpose. I was sitting at the kitchen table cutting the tabs along the bottom—the ones with her phone number printed vertically—and counting gave me something to do besides watch her come apart.

Across the top of every page, in a font much larger than necessary, she'd written:

MISSING YORKIE — PLEASE HELP US BRING CINNA HOME

Underneath was a picture from last Christmas. Cinna sat on the arm of our couch in a red sweater, one ear standing straight up and the other folded over. She always looked irritated in pictures, which was funny because she was probably the sweetest dog I'd ever known.

Below the picture Dana had listed everything strangers needed to know: eight pounds, tan and gray, pink collar, very friendly, might be scared.

At the bottom, in bold:

SHE IS OUR FAMILY.

Dana stood at the counter feeding sheets through the paper cutter one at a time. She hadn't slept properly in three nights. Her hair was still twisted into yesterday's knot, and there were dark circles beneath her eyes.

"That's enough," I told her.

She kept cutting.

"Dana."

"I heard you."

"It's supposed to hit a hundred and two today."

"I know."

"You've already done the whole neighborhood."

"I haven't done the apartments behind the elementary school."

"You did those yesterday."

"I did the front building."

She slid another flyer beneath the blade. I reached across the table and put my hand on the remaining stack.

"Please. Take an hour."

"What if somebody saw her and they don't have one of these?"

"You've put them on every telephone pole from here to Chapman."

"Then I'll go farther."

There was no anger in her voice. I almost wished there had been.

I let go of the stack and told her to take water. She said she would. I reminded her she'd said the same thing yesterday and had come home with nearly a full bottle.

That got the smallest smile.

"Okay, Dad."

"I mean it."

"I know."

She bent down, kissed the top of my head, gathered another armful of flyers and left.

I watched from the front window until she disappeared around the corner.

Cinna had been gone for three days, and I could already see what it was doing to my wife.

People kept telling us dogs got out all the time. Somebody probably picked her up. Yorkies didn't make it far on their own. Keep checking shelters. Put her picture online.

They meant well.

They didn't know Dana.

More importantly, they didn't know what it had taken to get her back.

When I met my wife, she had more energy than anyone I'd ever known and apparently no interest in wasting it.

She worked in marketing for a medical-device company. By thirty she was managing people older than both of us. She ran half-marathons, remembered everyone's birthday and kept a calendar that looked like it required air-traffic control.

She was exhausting.

I loved her for it.

Work was the only thing we really fought about.

I'd make dinner and get a text at seven saying a meeting had run late. We'd make Saturday plans and she'd need to log in for twenty minutes, which had a strange tendency to become two hours.

Once, during an anniversary dinner, I realized we'd spent most of the appetizer talking about a presentation she had Monday.

"Why do you work this hard?" I asked.

"Because I like it."

"I know. But sometimes I feel like you're killing yourself for a job."

She looked at me. "That's dramatic."

"I miss you."

That stopped her.

Sometimes it seemed like her office got the best version of my wife and I got whatever was left at eight-thirty at night. She told me her career mattered to her, that she was good at what she did and wasn't going to apologize for caring about it.

I said I understood.

Usually I did.

For a while we had rats getting into the detached garage behind the house, and that somehow became my responsibility.

I'd promised to deal with them, then forgot.

One night Dana came home after nine and found droppings beside a bag of dog food we'd bought for her parents' Labrador.

"We have got to do something about this."

"I know."

"You've been saying that for a month."

"I'll do it tomorrow."

"You said that last week."

"I've been busy too, Dana."

She dropped her keys on the counter.

"Maybe that's why I stay at the office. At least they don't have rats."

It wasn't her best joke.

We laughed about it later.

The next morning I finally dealt with the problem. Traps, poison, cleaning out the back shelves.

Dana disliked the poison immediately.

"I hate having that in here."

"It's in the cabinet."

"What if something gets into it?"

"Then we'll keep the garage closed."

She gave me the look she used when I'd missed the point.

Later, after she got pregnant and we started childproofing the house, she made me go through the garage again—loose screws, nails, old traps, anything dangerous I might have forgotten back when there were no children to worry about.

Pregnancy was the first thing I'd ever seen make Dana slow down.

She was frightened almost immediately.

There were heart problems in her family. Not the clogged-artery sort everybody eventually worries about, but something congenital. Hereditary.

Her younger sister died when Dana was four. She remembered almost nothing about the girl herself. A yellow dress. Sharing a bedroom. The fact that she hated peas.

What Dana remembered was the night she died: her mother screaming, a paramedic stepping on one of Dana's toys, someone carrying her sister down the hallway with one tiny arm hanging loose.

So every appointment frightened her. Every test. Every pause before a doctor said everything looked fine.

Our daughter was born on a Tuesday morning in March.

Sophie.

Seven pounds, two ounces, an unreasonable amount of dark hair and a scream that sounded too large to have come from her.

When they put Sophie on Dana's chest, my wife cried so hard I thought something was wrong. Then I realized she was laughing too.

I'd never seen another person look that happy.

I loved Sophie from the moment I saw her. Before she existed there had been a version of my life without her, and after I met her that version became impossible to picture.

Dana took four months off work.

Those were probably the happiest months of our marriage.

I know how that sounds.

I'd come home and they'd be there—Dana on the couch with Sophie asleep against her chest, or Sophie kicking in the little vibrating chair while Dana cooked. We took walks after dinner. We ate together. Weekends belonged to us.

Sometimes I'd stand in the kitchen listening to Dana talk nonsense to the baby in the next room and think that this was what all of it had been for.

The house felt right with her in it.

A few months later Sophie started eating purées. Apple and cinnamon was the first one she really loved.

The first time Dana opened one of the jars, I could smell the cinnamon from across the kitchen.

"Maybe that's why the rats never came back," I said.

Dana looked over at me. "What?"

"Cinnamon. I read somewhere they hate it."

"We haven't had rats in two years."

"I know. Something about the smell being too strong." I shrugged. "Covers up whatever else they're trying to sniff out."

Dana stared at me.

"So Sophie is pest control now?"

"Finally earning her keep."

"You're horrible."

She was smiling when she said it.

Sophie saw the spoon coming and opened her mouth like a baby bird, then somehow got half of it on her cheeks anyway.

Dana laughed and wiped her chin.

After that she started calling her Cinnamon.

At first it was my little Cinnamon girl. Then just Cinnamon. Sometimes Cinny when Dana was tired.

"She's going to hate us when she's fifteen and we tell people about this," Dana said once.

"Then we won't tell anybody."

"I'm telling everybody."

"You're a terrible mother."

"I know."

Sophie slapped both hands into the tray and Dana laughed hard enough to nearly drop the spoon.

I remember that afternoon better than I remember most of that year.

The heart issue appeared during a routine appointment.

A murmur.

Maybe nothing, the pediatrician said. Maybe something.

A cardiologist found enough to watch but not enough to panic over, which meant Dana panicked constantly.

She wanted to know whether it was what her sister had. Whether she'd passed it to Sophie. Whether a baby with a heart problem could simply stop breathing in her sleep.

The doctor was careful with his answers.

I wasn't.

"She's fine," I'd tell Dana afterward.

"You don't know that."

"Neither do you."

"What if it's the same thing?"

"It isn't."

"How do you know?"

"Because I'm her dad and I've decided."

Sometimes that made her smile.

Dana extended her leave another month, then another.

Eventually her company began asking when she intended to return, and Dana decided she was ready.

She missed adult conversations. She missed dressing for somewhere other than Target. She missed being good at something that didn't involve keeping another human alive.

I told her we'd make it work.

Daycare three days a week. Dana's mother one day. I shifted my schedule when I could.

The first time she came home late again, I remember looking at the clock.

7:42.

Sophie was asleep against me and dinner had gone cold.

Dana came through the door apologizing, kissed the baby, kissed me and immediately started explaining some crisis at work.

"Five weeks back and they've already chained you to the desk."

She stopped.

"Don't start."

"I'm not starting anything."

"That tone is starting something."

"I don't have a tone."

"You absolutely have a tone."

Sophie woke before either of us could say anything else.

Dana had only been back at work a few weeks when she died.

We put Sophie down like normal.

That was the part Dana could never get past.

There had been no dramatic warning. No fever, no crying, nothing that would have made either of us sit beside the crib all night. She ate, played, fell asleep, and sometime before morning her heart stopped.

Dana found her.

I don't like remembering what happened after that.

The nursery was cold. Dana was making a sound I had never heard from another human being. Paramedics came. Police came. Our house filled with people while Sophie was somewhere else.

Someone went through the standard questions with us. Medications. Cleaning products. Anything unusual in the house. Anything she might have reached.

Dana answered most of them before I could.

"We babyproofed everything."

Then she looked at me.

I nodded.

With Sophie's heart and Dana's family history, everyone had an explanation ready.

Her sister had died young. Sophie's cardiologist had already found something worth monitoring. Sometimes these things happened suddenly, we were told. Sometimes there wasn't time to prevent them.

Dana heard something else.

You gave this to her.

And because she'd gone back to work, she found another way to blame herself.

"I should've been here."

"You were here."

"I mean with her."

"She was sleeping."

"What if I missed something?"

"You didn't."

"What if I hadn't gone back?"

"Dana."

"I left her."

"You went to work."

"I left her."

For years I told my wife the same things.

It wasn't your fault.

You couldn't have known.

You loved her.

There was nothing you could have done.

Going back to work did not kill our daughter.

Some nights I said it ten times.

Dana resigned two weeks after the funeral.

I was relieved.

That is one of the things I never told her.

Of course she couldn't have gone back then. Nobody could have. But some part of me was relieved there would be no deadlines, no meetings, no laptop chirping at nine at night.

I thought grief might force everything else to become smaller for a while.

I thought we'd simply exist together until we healed.

That isn't what happened.

The first year was unbearable.

The second was quieter.

Dana stopped seeing friends because most of them had children. Invitations stopped coming after enough polite refusals.

She didn't go back to work.

She didn't go much of anywhere.

I cooked and cleaned and handled bills. I sat with her when she couldn't sleep.

I learned there are only so many ways to answer the question, Do you think she knew I loved her?

Yes.

Always yes.

Of course she knew.

I loved my wife through all of it, but after a few years I began to resent the dead.

That's uglier than saying I was tired, but it's closer to the truth.

I resented Mother's Day. Sophie's birthday. The anniversary of the day she died. I resented strangers' children for having the wrong laugh in grocery stores.

Once, on what would have been Sophie's third birthday, Dana wanted to spend the evening looking through photographs.

I told her I had a headache.

I didn't.

I sat in the bedroom watching something stupid on my phone while my wife cried alone in the living room, and for almost twenty minutes I enjoyed the quiet.

I hated myself afterward.

Mostly.

More than anything, I missed my wife.

Not even the woman she'd been before Sophie. I knew we weren't getting that woman back.

I would've settled for someone who laughed occasionally. Someone who wanted to go to dinner. Someone who could sit through a stupid movie without disappearing halfway through it.

I lasted almost four years before I brought home Cinna.

She fit in one hand.

A coworker's sister had Yorkie puppies, and I'd gone over telling myself I was only looking. One climbed into my lap and fell asleep there.

I sent Dana a picture.

She replied:

No.

I brought the puppy home anyway.

For approximately five minutes, Dana was furious.

"We talked about this."

"No, I sent you a picture and you said no."

"That's generally considered talking."

"You haven't held her."

"I don't want to hold her."

"Fine."

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Hand me the dog while I'm telling you I don't want the dog."

I handed her the dog.

The puppy licked her chin.

Dana laughed.

Actually laughed.

Not the polite little breath she'd been using for years when she knew I was trying to cheer her up. A real laugh, sudden and surprised.

For one embarrassing second I thought I might cry.

The puppy didn't have a name yet.

I suggested Penny.

Dana suggested Cinna.

I knew immediately what she meant.

"No."

Her smile faltered. "What?"

"That's weird."

"It isn't weird."

"It's a little weird."

"It's after Cinnamon."

"I know what it's after."

Dana tucked the puppy against her chest. "I like it."

I remember looking at the two of them and thinking that naming a dog after our dead daughter was one grief-therapy exercise too far.

But Dana was smiling.

So Cinna it was.

And I have to give the little dog credit.

She accomplished what therapists, medication, family and I hadn't.

She gave Dana reasons to leave the house.

At first it was walks because Cinna refused to use the backyard. Once around the block became twice, then the park.

Dana started getting dressed earlier because Cinna woke at seven. She spoke to neighbors, then friends.

Pictures appeared on her phone that weren't old photographs of Sophie.

Dana and Cinna at the beach.

Cinna sitting upright in the passenger seat of Dana's car like a tiny disapproving grandmother.

Dana started cooking again. She played music in the kitchen. She made fun of me.

One night about six months ago she laughed so hard at something stupid I said that she snorted.

She clapped both hands over her face.

"Oh my God."

I couldn't stop smiling.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I missed that."

She knew what I meant.

She leaned over and kissed me.

For the first time in years, I thought maybe we'd made it.

After that, the walks got longer. She started having coffee with a woman two streets over who owned some kind of terrier. Once she and Cinna were gone almost three hours because they'd driven to a park across town.

I teased her about having a social life.

I was glad she did.

A few months later, I came home and found Dana at the kitchen table with her old laptop open.

"What are you doing?"

She tilted the screen away from me in a way that was meant to be playful.

"Nothing."

"That's suspicious."

"I'm updating my résumé."

I looked at the screen.

"Just updating it," she said.

"I didn't say anything."

"You did that thing with your face."

"What thing?"

"That thing."

"I don't have a thing."

"You absolutely have a thing."

She smiled and turned the laptop back around.

"I've been thinking maybe part-time. Or consulting. Something small."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be okay?"

She studied me for a second.

Then she kissed my cheek.

For the next week, the laptop stayed on the kitchen table.

I noticed that.

I also noticed she had started checking her email before breakfast.

Neither of those things meant anything.

Two weeks ago she had résumés printed on thick cream paper.

I told her they looked nice.

The afternoon Cinna disappeared, Dana had taken her into the backyard. Her phone rang and she stepped inside to answer it.

When she went back out, the side gate was open.

No Cinna.

We searched until after midnight.

The next morning we called every shelter within thirty miles. Dana posted everywhere she could think of. We drove slowly through streets with the windows down calling Cinna's name.

I kept telling her Yorkies got picked up. Someone probably had her.

That was better than imagining her on a road somewhere.

By the second day Dana wasn't eating unless I put something directly in front of her.

By the third she wasn't sleeping.

And suddenly it felt like five years ago.

The same frantic eyes. The same bargaining. The same certainty that if she did one more thing, searched one more street, something terrible could still be undone.

"What if somebody stole her?"

"I don't think anybody stole her."

"What if she got hurt?"

"We checked the roads."

"What if she's hiding somewhere?"

"Then somebody will find her."

"What if nobody does?"

"We'll keep looking."

This morning the printer finally ran out of paper.

Even that didn't stop her.

She started feeding in the backs of the résumés she'd had printed two weeks ago, and I sat at the kitchen table cutting tabs while Cinna's face came out on one side and Dana's old life remained neatly formatted on the other.

Job titles.

Promotions.

Awards.

Eleven years of experience.

One page after another disappeared beneath MISSING YORKIE.

I didn't say anything.

It's almost ten now and Dana is still out.

I texted her fifteen minutes ago and told her to come home because it's still ninety-one degrees outside. She replied that she has one more street left, which, knowing my wife, means at least three.

I put a bottle of water in the refrigerator for her. She likes it almost frozen.

There's dinner in the microwave too. She probably won't eat, but I'll make her try.

Tomorrow I'll convince her to stay home for a few hours. Maybe we'll call the shelters together.

I'll drive this time.

She's exhausted, and the heat worries me.

The heat has been worrying me for another reason too.

The garage sits at the back of the yard, separate from the house. There's almost no insulation in there, and the little vent above the side door doesn't do much once the sun has been on the roof all afternoon.

I thought I had longer.

Apparently I didn't.

The smell is bad now.

You can't smell it from the house. You can't even smell it standing a few feet outside the garage.

But open the door and it's there.

Dana hasn't been inside since the first day, when we were still grabbing leashes and flashlights and anything else we thought might help us find Cinna.

She hasn't noticed.

Still, I can't leave her there another day.

Cinna is behind the plastic storage bins along the back wall, wrapped in one of our old moving blankets.

She's so small that hiding her wasn't difficult.

The hard part has been listening to Dana call for her.

Yesterday evening she stood at the end of the driveway shaking the bag of treats.

She called Cinna's name.

Waited.

Called again.

Then finally shouted, "Come home!" into a street that had already gone quiet.

I went inside before she did.

I'll move Cinna tonight after Dana falls asleep.

There's a road about a mile from here where people drive too fast. No sidewalk for part of it, only dry brush and a narrow shoulder.

I'll leave her near there before morning.

Nothing elaborate.

Dana doesn't need an investigation.

She needs an answer.

The gate was open.

Cinna got out.

She wandered too far.

Not knowing is worse.

Give someone an answer and eventually they learn to live around it.

Dana already has.

I hate that she's going to hurt.

But she'll recover.

Cinna proved she can.

I'll cook. I'll sit up with her when she can't sleep. I'll remind her to eat. I'll tell her the gate wasn't her fault, that she couldn't have known, that there was nothing she could have done.

I'll say it as many times as she needs.

Eventually we'll be okay again.

We always are.

Before I move Cinna, I should clean up the garage.

Dana hasn't noticed the cabinet over the workbench is unlocked.

Years ago, when we childproofed the house, she made me promise there was nothing dangerous left in there.

I told her there wasn't.

Most of what I'd bought for the rats is gone now. The traps rusted. The cleaning supplies got used.

There are only a few things shoved behind old paint cans and extension cords, including one battered cardboard box I should have thrown away a long time ago.

I'll get rid of that too.

No reason to keep it.

Funny.

I used to think Cinna was a terrible name. Too morbid, I told Dana. Too much history to hang around the neck of an eight-pound dog.

I suppose I owe my wife an apology.

Both her girls always did love cinnamon.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 2 days ago

Cinnamon

My wife printed one hundred and eighty-six missing-dog flyers today.

I know because I counted them, though not on purpose. I was sitting at the kitchen table cutting the tabs along the bottom—the ones with her phone number printed vertically—and counting gave me something to do besides watch her come apart.

Across the top of every page, in a font much larger than necessary, she'd written:

MISSING YORKIE — PLEASE HELP US BRING CINNA HOME

Underneath was a picture from last Christmas. Cinna sat on the arm of our couch in a red sweater, one ear standing straight up and the other folded over. She always looked irritated in pictures, which was funny because she was probably the sweetest dog I'd ever known.

Below the picture Dana had listed everything strangers needed to know: eight pounds, tan and gray, pink collar, very friendly, might be scared.

At the bottom, in bold:

SHE IS OUR FAMILY.

Dana stood at the counter feeding sheets through the paper cutter one at a time. She hadn't slept properly in three nights. Her hair was still twisted into yesterday's knot, and there were dark circles beneath her eyes.

"That's enough," I told her.

She kept cutting.

"Dana."

"I heard you."

"It's supposed to hit a hundred and two today."

"I know."

"You've already done the whole neighborhood."

"I haven't done the apartments behind the elementary school."

"You did those yesterday."

"I did the front building."

She slid another flyer beneath the blade. I reached across the table and put my hand on the remaining stack.

"Please. Take an hour."

"What if somebody saw her and they don't have one of these?"

"You've put them on every telephone pole from here to Chapman."

"Then I'll go farther."

There was no anger in her voice. I almost wished there had been.

I let go of the stack and told her to take water. She said she would. I reminded her she'd said the same thing yesterday and had come home with nearly a full bottle.

That got the smallest smile.

"Okay, Dad."

"I mean it."

"I know."

She bent down, kissed the top of my head, gathered another armful of flyers and left.

I watched from the front window until she disappeared around the corner.

Cinna had been gone for three days, and I could already see what it was doing to my wife.

People kept telling us dogs got out all the time. Somebody probably picked her up. Yorkies didn't make it far on their own. Keep checking shelters. Put her picture online.

They meant well.

They didn't know Dana.

More importantly, they didn't know what it had taken to get her back.

When I met my wife, she had more energy than anyone I'd ever known and apparently no interest in wasting it.

She worked in marketing for a medical-device company. By thirty she was managing people older than both of us. She ran half-marathons, remembered everyone's birthday and kept a calendar that looked like it required air-traffic control.

She was exhausting.

I loved her for it.

Work was the only thing we really fought about.

I'd make dinner and get a text at seven saying a meeting had run late. We'd make Saturday plans and she'd need to log in for twenty minutes, which had a strange tendency to become two hours.

Once, during an anniversary dinner, I realized we'd spent most of the appetizer talking about a presentation she had Monday.

"Why do you work this hard?" I asked.

"Because I like it."

"I know. But sometimes I feel like you're killing yourself for a job."

She looked at me. "That's dramatic."

"I miss you."

That stopped her.

Sometimes it seemed like her office got the best version of my wife and I got whatever was left at eight-thirty at night. She told me her career mattered to her, that she was good at what she did and wasn't going to apologize for caring about it.

I said I understood.

Usually I did.

For a while we had rats getting into the detached garage behind the house, and that somehow became my responsibility.

I'd promised to deal with them, then forgot.

One night Dana came home after nine and found droppings beside a bag of dog food we'd bought for her parents' Labrador.

"We have got to do something about this."

"I know."

"You've been saying that for a month."

"I'll do it tomorrow."

"You said that last week."

"I've been busy too, Dana."

She dropped her keys on the counter.

"Maybe that's why I stay at the office. At least they don't have rats."

It wasn't her best joke.

We laughed about it later.

The next morning I finally dealt with the problem. Traps, poison, cleaning out the back shelves.

Dana disliked the poison immediately.

"I hate having that in here."

"It's in the cabinet."

"What if something gets into it?"

"Then we'll keep the garage closed."

She gave me the look she used when I'd missed the point.

Later, after she got pregnant and we started childproofing the house, she made me go through the garage again—loose screws, nails, old traps, anything dangerous I might have forgotten back when there were no children to worry about.

Pregnancy was the first thing I'd ever seen make Dana slow down.

She was frightened almost immediately.

There were heart problems in her family. Not the clogged-artery sort everybody eventually worries about, but something congenital. Hereditary.

Her younger sister died when Dana was four. She remembered almost nothing about the girl herself. A yellow dress. Sharing a bedroom. The fact that she hated peas.

What Dana remembered was the night she died: her mother screaming, a paramedic stepping on one of Dana's toys, someone carrying her sister down the hallway with one tiny arm hanging loose.

So every appointment frightened her. Every test. Every pause before a doctor said everything looked fine.

Our daughter was born on a Tuesday morning in March.

Sophie.

Seven pounds, two ounces, an unreasonable amount of dark hair and a scream that sounded too large to have come from her.

When they put Sophie on Dana's chest, my wife cried so hard I thought something was wrong. Then I realized she was laughing too.

I'd never seen another person look that happy.

I loved Sophie from the moment I saw her. Before she existed there had been a version of my life without her, and after I met her that version became impossible to picture.

Dana took four months off work.

Those were probably the happiest months of our marriage.

I know how that sounds.

I'd come home and they'd be there—Dana on the couch with Sophie asleep against her chest, or Sophie kicking in the little vibrating chair while Dana cooked. We took walks after dinner. We ate together. Weekends belonged to us.

Sometimes I'd stand in the kitchen listening to Dana talk nonsense to the baby in the next room and think that this was what all of it had been for.

The house felt right with her in it.

A few months later Sophie started eating purées. Apple and cinnamon was the first one she really loved.

The first time Dana opened one of the jars, I could smell the cinnamon from across the kitchen.

"Maybe that's why the rats never came back," I said.

Dana looked over at me. "What?"

"Cinnamon. I read somewhere they hate it."

"We haven't had rats in two years."

"I know. Something about the smell being too strong." I shrugged. "Covers up whatever else they're trying to sniff out."

Dana stared at me.

"So Sophie is pest control now?"

"Finally earning her keep."

"You're horrible."

She was smiling when she said it.

Sophie saw the spoon coming and opened her mouth like a baby bird, then somehow got half of it on her cheeks anyway.

Dana laughed and wiped her chin.

After that she started calling her Cinnamon.

At first it was my little Cinnamon girl. Then just Cinnamon. Sometimes Cinny when Dana was tired.

"She's going to hate us when she's fifteen and we tell people about this," Dana said once.

"Then we won't tell anybody."

"I'm telling everybody."

"You're a terrible mother."

"I know."

Sophie slapped both hands into the tray and Dana laughed hard enough to nearly drop the spoon.

I remember that afternoon better than I remember most of that year.

The heart issue appeared during a routine appointment.

A murmur.

Maybe nothing, the pediatrician said. Maybe something.

A cardiologist found enough to watch but not enough to panic over, which meant Dana panicked constantly.

She wanted to know whether it was what her sister had. Whether she'd passed it to Sophie. Whether a baby with a heart problem could simply stop breathing in her sleep.

The doctor was careful with his answers.

I wasn't.

"She's fine," I'd tell Dana afterward.

"You don't know that."

"Neither do you."

"What if it's the same thing?"

"It isn't."

"How do you know?"

"Because I'm her dad and I've decided."

Sometimes that made her smile.

Dana extended her leave another month, then another.

Eventually her company began asking when she intended to return, and Dana decided she was ready.

She missed adult conversations. She missed dressing for somewhere other than Target. She missed being good at something that didn't involve keeping another human alive.

I told her we'd make it work.

Daycare three days a week. Dana's mother one day. I shifted my schedule when I could.

The first time she came home late again, I remember looking at the clock.

7:42.

Sophie was asleep against me and dinner had gone cold.

Dana came through the door apologizing, kissed the baby, kissed me and immediately started explaining some crisis at work.

"Five weeks back and they've already chained you to the desk."

She stopped.

"Don't start."

"I'm not starting anything."

"That tone is starting something."

"I don't have a tone."

"You absolutely have a tone."

Sophie woke before either of us could say anything else.

Dana had only been back at work a few weeks when she died.

We put Sophie down like normal.

That was the part Dana could never get past.

There had been no dramatic warning. No fever, no crying, nothing that would have made either of us sit beside the crib all night. She ate, played, fell asleep, and sometime before morning her heart stopped.

Dana found her.

I don't like remembering what happened after that.

The nursery was cold. Dana was making a sound I had never heard from another human being. Paramedics came. Police came. Our house filled with people while Sophie was somewhere else.

Someone went through the standard questions with us. Medications. Cleaning products. Anything unusual in the house. Anything she might have reached.

Dana answered most of them before I could.

"We babyproofed everything."

Then she looked at me.

I nodded.

With Sophie's heart and Dana's family history, everyone had an explanation ready.

Her sister had died young. Sophie's cardiologist had already found something worth monitoring. Sometimes these things happened suddenly, we were told. Sometimes there wasn't time to prevent them.

Dana heard something else.

You gave this to her.

And because she'd gone back to work, she found another way to blame herself.

"I should've been here."

"You were here."

"I mean with her."

"She was sleeping."

"What if I missed something?"

"You didn't."

"What if I hadn't gone back?"

"Dana."

"I left her."

"You went to work."

"I left her."

For years I told my wife the same things.

It wasn't your fault.

You couldn't have known.

You loved her.

There was nothing you could have done.

Going back to work did not kill our daughter.

Some nights I said it ten times.

Dana resigned two weeks after the funeral.

I was relieved.

That is one of the things I never told her.

Of course she couldn't have gone back then. Nobody could have. But some part of me was relieved there would be no deadlines, no meetings, no laptop chirping at nine at night.

I thought grief might force everything else to become smaller for a while.

I thought we'd simply exist together until we healed.

That isn't what happened.

The first year was unbearable.

The second was quieter.

Dana stopped seeing friends because most of them had children. Invitations stopped coming after enough polite refusals.

She didn't go back to work.

She didn't go much of anywhere.

I cooked and cleaned and handled bills. I sat with her when she couldn't sleep.

I learned there are only so many ways to answer the question, Do you think she knew I loved her?

Yes.

Always yes.

Of course she knew.

I loved my wife through all of it, but after a few years I began to resent the dead.

That's uglier than saying I was tired, but it's closer to the truth.

I resented Mother's Day. Sophie's birthday. The anniversary of the day she died. I resented strangers' children for having the wrong laugh in grocery stores.

Once, on what would have been Sophie's third birthday, Dana wanted to spend the evening looking through photographs.

I told her I had a headache.

I didn't.

I sat in the bedroom watching something stupid on my phone while my wife cried alone in the living room, and for almost twenty minutes I enjoyed the quiet.

I hated myself afterward.

Mostly.

More than anything, I missed my wife.

Not even the woman she'd been before Sophie. I knew we weren't getting that woman back.

I would've settled for someone who laughed occasionally. Someone who wanted to go to dinner. Someone who could sit through a stupid movie without disappearing halfway through it.

I lasted almost four years before I brought home Cinna.

She fit in one hand.

A coworker's sister had Yorkie puppies, and I'd gone over telling myself I was only looking. One climbed into my lap and fell asleep there.

I sent Dana a picture.

She replied:

No.

I brought the puppy home anyway.

For approximately five minutes, Dana was furious.

"We talked about this."

"No, I sent you a picture and you said no."

"That's generally considered talking."

"You haven't held her."

"I don't want to hold her."

"Fine."

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Hand me the dog while I'm telling you I don't want the dog."

I handed her the dog.

The puppy licked her chin.

Dana laughed.

Actually laughed.

Not the polite little breath she'd been using for years when she knew I was trying to cheer her up. A real laugh, sudden and surprised.

For one embarrassing second I thought I might cry.

The puppy didn't have a name yet.

I suggested Penny.

Dana suggested Cinna.

I knew immediately what she meant.

"No."

Her smile faltered. "What?"

"That's weird."

"It isn't weird."

"It's a little weird."

"It's after Cinnamon."

"I know what it's after."

Dana tucked the puppy against her chest. "I like it."

I remember looking at the two of them and thinking that naming a dog after our dead daughter was one grief-therapy exercise too far.

But Dana was smiling.

So Cinna it was.

And I have to give the little dog credit.

She accomplished what therapists, medication, family and I hadn't.

She gave Dana reasons to leave the house.

At first it was walks because Cinna refused to use the backyard. Once around the block became twice, then the park.

Dana started getting dressed earlier because Cinna woke at seven. She spoke to neighbors, then friends.

Pictures appeared on her phone that weren't old photographs of Sophie.

Dana and Cinna at the beach.

Cinna sitting upright in the passenger seat of Dana's car like a tiny disapproving grandmother.

Dana started cooking again. She played music in the kitchen. She made fun of me.

One night about six months ago she laughed so hard at something stupid I said that she snorted.

She clapped both hands over her face.

"Oh my God."

I couldn't stop smiling.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I missed that."

She knew what I meant.

She leaned over and kissed me.

For the first time in years, I thought maybe we'd made it.

After that, the walks got longer. She started having coffee with a woman two streets over who owned some kind of terrier. Once she and Cinna were gone almost three hours because they'd driven to a park across town.

I teased her about having a social life.

I was glad she did.

A few months later, I came home and found Dana at the kitchen table with her old laptop open.

"What are you doing?"

She tilted the screen away from me in a way that was meant to be playful.

"Nothing."

"That's suspicious."

"I'm updating my résumé."

I looked at the screen.

"Just updating it," she said.

"I didn't say anything."

"You did that thing with your face."

"What thing?"

"That thing."

"I don't have a thing."

"You absolutely have a thing."

She smiled and turned the laptop back around.

"I've been thinking maybe part-time. Or consulting. Something small."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be okay?"

She studied me for a second.

Then she kissed my cheek.

For the next week, the laptop stayed on the kitchen table.

I noticed that.

I also noticed she had started checking her email before breakfast.

Neither of those things meant anything.

Two weeks ago she had résumés printed on thick cream paper.

I told her they looked nice.

The afternoon Cinna disappeared, Dana had taken her into the backyard. Her phone rang and she stepped inside to answer it.

When she went back out, the side gate was open.

No Cinna.

We searched until after midnight.

The next morning we called every shelter within thirty miles. Dana posted everywhere she could think of. We drove slowly through streets with the windows down calling Cinna's name.

I kept telling her Yorkies got picked up. Someone probably had her.

That was better than imagining her on a road somewhere.

By the second day Dana wasn't eating unless I put something directly in front of her.

By the third she wasn't sleeping.

And suddenly it felt like five years ago.

The same frantic eyes. The same bargaining. The same certainty that if she did one more thing, searched one more street, something terrible could still be undone.

"What if somebody stole her?"

"I don't think anybody stole her."

"What if she got hurt?"

"We checked the roads."

"What if she's hiding somewhere?"

"Then somebody will find her."

"What if nobody does?"

"We'll keep looking."

This morning the printer finally ran out of paper.

Even that didn't stop her.

She started feeding in the backs of the résumés she'd had printed two weeks ago, and I sat at the kitchen table cutting tabs while Cinna's face came out on one side and Dana's old life remained neatly formatted on the other.

Job titles.

Promotions.

Awards.

Eleven years of experience.

One page after another disappeared beneath MISSING YORKIE.

I didn't say anything.

It's almost ten now and Dana is still out.

I texted her fifteen minutes ago and told her to come home because it's still ninety-one degrees outside. She replied that she has one more street left, which, knowing my wife, means at least three.

I put a bottle of water in the refrigerator for her. She likes it almost frozen.

There's dinner in the microwave too. She probably won't eat, but I'll make her try.

Tomorrow I'll convince her to stay home for a few hours. Maybe we'll call the shelters together.

I'll drive this time.

She's exhausted, and the heat worries me.

The heat has been worrying me for another reason too.

The garage sits at the back of the yard, separate from the house. There's almost no insulation in there, and the little vent above the side door doesn't do much once the sun has been on the roof all afternoon.

I thought I had longer.

Apparently I didn't.

The smell is bad now.

You can't smell it from the house. You can't even smell it standing a few feet outside the garage.

But open the door and it's there.

Dana hasn't been inside since the first day, when we were still grabbing leashes and flashlights and anything else we thought might help us find Cinna.

She hasn't noticed.

Still, I can't leave her there another day.

Cinna is behind the plastic storage bins along the back wall, wrapped in one of our old moving blankets.

She's so small that hiding her wasn't difficult.

The hard part has been listening to Dana call for her.

Yesterday evening she stood at the end of the driveway shaking the bag of treats.

She called Cinna's name.

Waited.

Called again.

Then finally shouted, "Come home!" into a street that had already gone quiet.

I went inside before she did.

I'll move Cinna tonight after Dana falls asleep.

There's a road about a mile from here where people drive too fast. No sidewalk for part of it, only dry brush and a narrow shoulder.

I'll leave her near there before morning.

Nothing elaborate.

Dana doesn't need an investigation.

She needs an answer.

The gate was open.

Cinna got out.

She wandered too far.

Not knowing is worse.

Give someone an answer and eventually they learn to live around it.

Dana already has.

I hate that she's going to hurt.

But she'll recover.

Cinna proved she can.

I'll cook. I'll sit up with her when she can't sleep. I'll remind her to eat. I'll tell her the gate wasn't her fault, that she couldn't have known, that there was nothing she could have done.

I'll say it as many times as she needs.

Eventually we'll be okay again.

We always are.

Before I move Cinna, I should clean up the garage.

Dana hasn't noticed the cabinet over the workbench is unlocked.

Years ago, when we childproofed the house, she made me promise there was nothing dangerous left in there.

I told her there wasn't.

Most of what I'd bought for the rats is gone now. The traps rusted. The cleaning supplies got used.

There are only a few things shoved behind old paint cans and extension cords, including one battered cardboard box I should have thrown away a long time ago.

I'll get rid of that too.

No reason to keep it.

Funny.

I used to think Cinna was a terrible name. Too morbid, I told Dana. Too much history to hang around the neck of an eight-pound dog.

I suppose I owe my wife an apology.

Both her girls always did love cinnamon.

reddit.com
u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 2 days ago

Cinnamon

My wife printed one hundred and eighty-six missing-dog flyers today.

I know because I counted them, though not on purpose. I was sitting at the kitchen table cutting the tabs along the bottom—the ones with her phone number printed vertically—and counting gave me something to do besides watch her come apart.

Across the top of every page, in a font much larger than necessary, she'd written:

MISSING YORKIE — PLEASE HELP US BRING CINNA HOME

Underneath was a picture from last Christmas. Cinna sat on the arm of our couch in a red sweater, one ear standing straight up and the other folded over. She always looked irritated in pictures, which was funny because she was probably the sweetest dog I'd ever known.

Below the picture Dana had listed everything strangers needed to know: eight pounds, tan and gray, pink collar, very friendly, might be scared.

At the bottom, in bold:

SHE IS OUR FAMILY.

Dana stood at the counter feeding sheets through the paper cutter one at a time. She hadn't slept properly in three nights. Her hair was still twisted into yesterday's knot, and there were dark circles beneath her eyes.

"That's enough," I told her.

She kept cutting.

"Dana."

"I heard you."

"It's supposed to hit a hundred and two today."

"I know."

"You've already done the whole neighborhood."

"I haven't done the apartments behind the elementary school."

"You did those yesterday."

"I did the front building."

She slid another flyer beneath the blade. I reached across the table and put my hand on the remaining stack.

"Please. Take an hour."

"What if somebody saw her and they don't have one of these?"

"You've put them on every telephone pole from here to Chapman."

"Then I'll go farther."

There was no anger in her voice. I almost wished there had been.

I let go of the stack and told her to take water. She said she would. I reminded her she'd said the same thing yesterday and had come home with nearly a full bottle.

That got the smallest smile.

"Okay, Dad."

"I mean it."

"I know."

She bent down, kissed the top of my head, gathered another armful of flyers and left.

I watched from the front window until she disappeared around the corner.

Cinna had been gone for three days, and I could already see what it was doing to my wife.

People kept telling us dogs got out all the time. Somebody probably picked her up. Yorkies didn't make it far on their own. Keep checking shelters. Put her picture online.

They meant well.

They didn't know Dana.

More importantly, they didn't know what it had taken to get her back.

When I met my wife, she had more energy than anyone I'd ever known and apparently no interest in wasting it.

She worked in marketing for a medical-device company. By thirty she was managing people older than both of us. She ran half-marathons, remembered everyone's birthday and kept a calendar that looked like it required air-traffic control.

She was exhausting.

I loved her for it.

Work was the only thing we really fought about.

I'd make dinner and get a text at seven saying a meeting had run late. We'd make Saturday plans and she'd need to log in for twenty minutes, which had a strange tendency to become two hours.

Once, during an anniversary dinner, I realized we'd spent most of the appetizer talking about a presentation she had Monday.

"Why do you work this hard?" I asked.

"Because I like it."

"I know. But sometimes I feel like you're killing yourself for a job."

She looked at me. "That's dramatic."

"I miss you."

That stopped her.

Sometimes it seemed like her office got the best version of my wife and I got whatever was left at eight-thirty at night. She told me her career mattered to her, that she was good at what she did and wasn't going to apologize for caring about it.

I said I understood.

Usually I did.

For a while we had rats getting into the detached garage behind the house, and that somehow became my responsibility.

I'd promised to deal with them, then forgot.

One night Dana came home after nine and found droppings beside a bag of dog food we'd bought for her parents' Labrador.

"We have got to do something about this."

"I know."

"You've been saying that for a month."

"I'll do it tomorrow."

"You said that last week."

"I've been busy too, Dana."

She dropped her keys on the counter.

"Maybe that's why I stay at the office. At least they don't have rats."

It wasn't her best joke.

We laughed about it later.

The next morning I finally dealt with the problem. Traps, poison, cleaning out the back shelves.

Dana disliked the poison immediately.

"I hate having that in here."

"It's in the cabinet."

"What if something gets into it?"

"Then we'll keep the garage closed."

She gave me the look she used when I'd missed the point.

Later, after she got pregnant and we started childproofing the house, she made me go through the garage again—loose screws, nails, old traps, anything dangerous I might have forgotten back when there were no children to worry about.

Pregnancy was the first thing I'd ever seen make Dana slow down.

She was frightened almost immediately.

There were heart problems in her family. Not the clogged-artery sort everybody eventually worries about, but something congenital. Hereditary.

Her younger sister died when Dana was four. She remembered almost nothing about the girl herself. A yellow dress. Sharing a bedroom. The fact that she hated peas.

What Dana remembered was the night she died: her mother screaming, a paramedic stepping on one of Dana's toys, someone carrying her sister down the hallway with one tiny arm hanging loose.

So every appointment frightened her. Every test. Every pause before a doctor said everything looked fine.

Our daughter was born on a Tuesday morning in March.

Sophie.

Seven pounds, two ounces, an unreasonable amount of dark hair and a scream that sounded too large to have come from her.

When they put Sophie on Dana's chest, my wife cried so hard I thought something was wrong. Then I realized she was laughing too.

I'd never seen another person look that happy.

I loved Sophie from the moment I saw her. Before she existed there had been a version of my life without her, and after I met her that version became impossible to picture.

Dana took four months off work.

Those were probably the happiest months of our marriage.

I know how that sounds.

I'd come home and they'd be there—Dana on the couch with Sophie asleep against her chest, or Sophie kicking in the little vibrating chair while Dana cooked. We took walks after dinner. We ate together. Weekends belonged to us.

Sometimes I'd stand in the kitchen listening to Dana talk nonsense to the baby in the next room and think that this was what all of it had been for.

The house felt right with her in it.

A few months later Sophie started eating purées. Apple and cinnamon was the first one she really loved.

The first time Dana opened one of the jars, I could smell the cinnamon from across the kitchen.

"Maybe that's why the rats never came back," I said.

Dana looked over at me. "What?"

"Cinnamon. I read somewhere they hate it."

"We haven't had rats in two years."

"I know. Something about the smell being too strong." I shrugged. "Covers up whatever else they're trying to sniff out."

Dana stared at me.

"So Sophie is pest control now?"

"Finally earning her keep."

"You're horrible."

She was smiling when she said it.

Sophie saw the spoon coming and opened her mouth like a baby bird, then somehow got half of it on her cheeks anyway.

Dana laughed and wiped her chin.

After that she started calling her Cinnamon.

At first it was my little Cinnamon girl. Then just Cinnamon. Sometimes Cinny when Dana was tired.

"She's going to hate us when she's fifteen and we tell people about this," Dana said once.

"Then we won't tell anybody."

"I'm telling everybody."

"You're a terrible mother."

"I know."

Sophie slapped both hands into the tray and Dana laughed hard enough to nearly drop the spoon.

I remember that afternoon better than I remember most of that year.

The heart issue appeared during a routine appointment.

A murmur.

Maybe nothing, the pediatrician said. Maybe something.

A cardiologist found enough to watch but not enough to panic over, which meant Dana panicked constantly.

She wanted to know whether it was what her sister had. Whether she'd passed it to Sophie. Whether a baby with a heart problem could simply stop breathing in her sleep.

The doctor was careful with his answers.

I wasn't.

"She's fine," I'd tell Dana afterward.

"You don't know that."

"Neither do you."

"What if it's the same thing?"

"It isn't."

"How do you know?"

"Because I'm her dad and I've decided."

Sometimes that made her smile.

Dana extended her leave another month, then another.

Eventually her company began asking when she intended to return, and Dana decided she was ready.

She missed adult conversations. She missed dressing for somewhere other than Target. She missed being good at something that didn't involve keeping another human alive.

I told her we'd make it work.

Daycare three days a week. Dana's mother one day. I shifted my schedule when I could.

The first time she came home late again, I remember looking at the clock.

7:42.

Sophie was asleep against me and dinner had gone cold.

Dana came through the door apologizing, kissed the baby, kissed me and immediately started explaining some crisis at work.

"Five weeks back and they've already chained you to the desk."

She stopped.

"Don't start."

"I'm not starting anything."

"That tone is starting something."

"I don't have a tone."

"You absolutely have a tone."

Sophie woke before either of us could say anything else.

Dana had only been back at work a few weeks when she died.

We put Sophie down like normal.

That was the part Dana could never get past.

There had been no dramatic warning. No fever, no crying, nothing that would have made either of us sit beside the crib all night. She ate, played, fell asleep, and sometime before morning her heart stopped.

Dana found her.

I don't like remembering what happened after that.

The nursery was cold. Dana was making a sound I had never heard from another human being. Paramedics came. Police came. Our house filled with people while Sophie was somewhere else.

Someone went through the standard questions with us. Medications. Cleaning products. Anything unusual in the house. Anything she might have reached.

Dana answered most of them before I could.

"We babyproofed everything."

Then she looked at me.

I nodded.

With Sophie's heart and Dana's family history, everyone had an explanation ready.

Her sister had died young. Sophie's cardiologist had already found something worth monitoring. Sometimes these things happened suddenly, we were told. Sometimes there wasn't time to prevent them.

Dana heard something else.

You gave this to her.

And because she'd gone back to work, she found another way to blame herself.

"I should've been here."

"You were here."

"I mean with her."

"She was sleeping."

"What if I missed something?"

"You didn't."

"What if I hadn't gone back?"

"Dana."

"I left her."

"You went to work."

"I left her."

For years I told my wife the same things.

It wasn't your fault.

You couldn't have known.

You loved her.

There was nothing you could have done.

Going back to work did not kill our daughter.

Some nights I said it ten times.

Dana resigned two weeks after the funeral.

I was relieved.

That is one of the things I never told her.

Of course she couldn't have gone back then. Nobody could have. But some part of me was relieved there would be no deadlines, no meetings, no laptop chirping at nine at night.

I thought grief might force everything else to become smaller for a while.

I thought we'd simply exist together until we healed.

That isn't what happened.

The first year was unbearable.

The second was quieter.

Dana stopped seeing friends because most of them had children. Invitations stopped coming after enough polite refusals.

She didn't go back to work.

She didn't go much of anywhere.

I cooked and cleaned and handled bills. I sat with her when she couldn't sleep.

I learned there are only so many ways to answer the question, Do you think she knew I loved her?

Yes.

Always yes.

Of course she knew.

I loved my wife through all of it, but after a few years I began to resent the dead.

That's uglier than saying I was tired, but it's closer to the truth.

I resented Mother's Day. Sophie's birthday. The anniversary of the day she died. I resented strangers' children for having the wrong laugh in grocery stores.

Once, on what would have been Sophie's third birthday, Dana wanted to spend the evening looking through photographs.

I told her I had a headache.

I didn't.

I sat in the bedroom watching something stupid on my phone while my wife cried alone in the living room, and for almost twenty minutes I enjoyed the quiet.

I hated myself afterward.

Mostly.

More than anything, I missed my wife.

Not even the woman she'd been before Sophie. I knew we weren't getting that woman back.

I would've settled for someone who laughed occasionally. Someone who wanted to go to dinner. Someone who could sit through a stupid movie without disappearing halfway through it.

I lasted almost four years before I brought home Cinna.

She fit in one hand.

A coworker's sister had Yorkie puppies, and I'd gone over telling myself I was only looking. One climbed into my lap and fell asleep there.

I sent Dana a picture.

She replied:

No.

I brought the puppy home anyway.

For approximately five minutes, Dana was furious.

"We talked about this."

"No, I sent you a picture and you said no."

"That's generally considered talking."

"You haven't held her."

"I don't want to hold her."

"Fine."

"Don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Hand me the dog while I'm telling you I don't want the dog."

I handed her the dog.

The puppy licked her chin.

Dana laughed.

Actually laughed.

Not the polite little breath she'd been using for years when she knew I was trying to cheer her up. A real laugh, sudden and surprised.

For one embarrassing second I thought I might cry.

The puppy didn't have a name yet.

I suggested Penny.

Dana suggested Cinna.

I knew immediately what she meant.

"No."

Her smile faltered. "What?"

"That's weird."

"It isn't weird."

"It's a little weird."

"It's after Cinnamon."

"I know what it's after."

Dana tucked the puppy against her chest. "I like it."

I remember looking at the two of them and thinking that naming a dog after our dead daughter was one grief-therapy exercise too far.

But Dana was smiling.

So Cinna it was.

And I have to give the little dog credit.

She accomplished what therapists, medication, family and I hadn't.

She gave Dana reasons to leave the house.

At first it was walks because Cinna refused to use the backyard. Once around the block became twice, then the park.

Dana started getting dressed earlier because Cinna woke at seven. She spoke to neighbors, then friends.

Pictures appeared on her phone that weren't old photographs of Sophie.

Dana and Cinna at the beach.

Cinna sitting upright in the passenger seat of Dana's car like a tiny disapproving grandmother.

Dana started cooking again. She played music in the kitchen. She made fun of me.

One night about six months ago she laughed so hard at something stupid I said that she snorted.

She clapped both hands over her face.

"Oh my God."

I couldn't stop smiling.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I missed that."

She knew what I meant.

She leaned over and kissed me.

For the first time in years, I thought maybe we'd made it.

After that, the walks got longer. She started having coffee with a woman two streets over who owned some kind of terrier. Once she and Cinna were gone almost three hours because they'd driven to a park across town.

I teased her about having a social life.

I was glad she did.

A few months later, I came home and found Dana at the kitchen table with her old laptop open.

"What are you doing?"

She tilted the screen away from me in a way that was meant to be playful.

"Nothing."

"That's suspicious."

"I'm updating my résumé."

I looked at the screen.

"Just updating it," she said.

"I didn't say anything."

"You did that thing with your face."

"What thing?"

"That thing."

"I don't have a thing."

"You absolutely have a thing."

She smiled and turned the laptop back around.

"I've been thinking maybe part-time. Or consulting. Something small."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Why wouldn't it be okay?"

She studied me for a second.

Then she kissed my cheek.

For the next week, the laptop stayed on the kitchen table.

I noticed that.

I also noticed she had started checking her email before breakfast.

Neither of those things meant anything.

Two weeks ago she had résumés printed on thick cream paper.

I told her they looked nice.

The afternoon Cinna disappeared, Dana had taken her into the backyard. Her phone rang and she stepped inside to answer it.

When she went back out, the side gate was open.

No Cinna.

We searched until after midnight.

The next morning we called every shelter within thirty miles. Dana posted everywhere she could think of. We drove slowly through streets with the windows down calling Cinna's name.

I kept telling her Yorkies got picked up. Someone probably had her.

That was better than imagining her on a road somewhere.

By the second day Dana wasn't eating unless I put something directly in front of her.

By the third she wasn't sleeping.

And suddenly it felt like five years ago.

The same frantic eyes. The same bargaining. The same certainty that if she did one more thing, searched one more street, something terrible could still be undone.

"What if somebody stole her?"

"I don't think anybody stole her."

"What if she got hurt?"

"We checked the roads."

"What if she's hiding somewhere?"

"Then somebody will find her."

"What if nobody does?"

"We'll keep looking."

This morning the printer finally ran out of paper.

Even that didn't stop her.

She started feeding in the backs of the résumés she'd had printed two weeks ago, and I sat at the kitchen table cutting tabs while Cinna's face came out on one side and Dana's old life remained neatly formatted on the other.

Job titles.

Promotions.

Awards.

Eleven years of experience.

One page after another disappeared beneath MISSING YORKIE.

I didn't say anything.

It's almost ten now and Dana is still out.

I texted her fifteen minutes ago and told her to come home because it's still ninety-one degrees outside. She replied that she has one more street left, which, knowing my wife, means at least three.

I put a bottle of water in the refrigerator for her. She likes it almost frozen.

There's dinner in the microwave too. She probably won't eat, but I'll make her try.

Tomorrow I'll convince her to stay home for a few hours. Maybe we'll call the shelters together.

I'll drive this time.

She's exhausted, and the heat worries me.

The heat has been worrying me for another reason too.

The garage sits at the back of the yard, separate from the house. There's almost no insulation in there, and the little vent above the side door doesn't do much once the sun has been on the roof all afternoon.

I thought I had longer.

Apparently I didn't.

The smell is bad now.

You can't smell it from the house. You can't even smell it standing a few feet outside the garage.

But open the door and it's there.

Dana hasn't been inside since the first day, when we were still grabbing leashes and flashlights and anything else we thought might help us find Cinna.

She hasn't noticed.

Still, I can't leave her there another day.

Cinna is behind the plastic storage bins along the back wall, wrapped in one of our old moving blankets.

She's so small that hiding her wasn't difficult.

The hard part has been listening to Dana call for her.

Yesterday evening she stood at the end of the driveway shaking the bag of treats.

She called Cinna's name.

Waited.

Called again.

Then finally shouted, "Come home!" into a street that had already gone quiet.

I went inside before she did.

I'll move Cinna tonight after Dana falls asleep.

There's a road about a mile from here where people drive too fast. No sidewalk for part of it, only dry brush and a narrow shoulder.

I'll leave her near there before morning.

Nothing elaborate.

Dana doesn't need an investigation.

She needs an answer.

The gate was open.

Cinna got out.

She wandered too far.

Not knowing is worse.

Give someone an answer and eventually they learn to live around it.

Dana already has.

I hate that she's going to hurt.

But she'll recover.

Cinna proved she can.

I'll cook. I'll sit up with her when she can't sleep. I'll remind her to eat. I'll tell her the gate wasn't her fault, that she couldn't have known, that there was nothing she could have done.

I'll say it as many times as she needs.

Eventually we'll be okay again.

We always are.

Before I move Cinna, I should clean up the garage.

Dana hasn't noticed the cabinet over the workbench is unlocked.

Years ago, when we childproofed the house, she made me promise there was nothing dangerous left in there.

I told her there wasn't.

Most of what I'd bought for the rats is gone now. The traps rusted. The cleaning supplies got used.

There are only a few things shoved behind old paint cans and extension cords, including one battered cardboard box I should have thrown away a long time ago.

I'll get rid of that too.

No reason to keep it.

Funny.

I used to think Cinna was a terrible name. Too morbid, I told Dana. Too much history to hang around the neck of an eight-pound dog.

I suppose I owe my wife an apology.

Both her girls always did love cinnamon.

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u/Rusty_Shackleford_MD — 2 days ago