How do you know the difference between someone who is right for you but you have challenges, versus someone who is wrong for you and that’s why you have so many challenges? I know people say marriage is hard but I thought that was due to life being hard. Is it really so hard to find someone who makes you feel loved, respected, cherished, prioritized, and supported?
I told my husband I wanted a divorce a few days ago. We have only been married a few weeks but to me everything was rocky before it even started. I felt like it was the wrong decision two weeks before getting married but I went through with it because I felt like I would be disappointing friends and family by calling it off so late. We also had our marriage license at that point and I was scared of getting a misdemeanor if we didn’t turn it back in. My parents also spent a lot of money and I felt bad giving everything up. I wish I had. My husband was emotionally abusive. He did not realize that’s what he was doing and is extremely sorry. We are ending on good terms and he realized what he did was wrong. This has been going on for years but due to being young and stupid, in my opinion, I did not realize it until after marriage. I know that’s so stupid but it’s true. I didn’t realize we had so many issues. I told him that it felt wrong and we just weren’t meant for each other. He agreed and said he just didn’t want to accept it. We both said that there were many times in our relationship that we had doubts but pushed them down because we loved each other and thought it would work out.
To me this feels like the right choice, although it’s extremely hard. What I’m struggling with is if it’s the right choice, why is it so hard? It feels right to me, more than marriage did.
It’s also hard for me to understand others opinions. When I tell them about our relationship, they’re shocked and saying that’s so awful. When I say we’re getting a divorce, they act so taken aback. I understand people will say work on it because it hasn’t been long. I truly get it. However, I’ve been trying to work on things long before marriage although my husband doesn’t realize it. I didn’t know how to name the behaviors going on but now I do. Why should I stay to work on it when I genuinely believe it’s the wrong choice? Isn’t that just delaying the inevitable? Of course I’m scared I’m making another mistake and I won’t find someone again and I’m ruining everything. I’m so scared and lost right now.
Me and my husband got married about 4 weeks ago and ever since then things have gone from bad to worse. Two days ago I told him I was filing for divorce and he needed to leave. He said I’ll pack my shit and leave. The first thing he asked for was the ring. That hurt a lot as that was genuinely his first response. I told him he was emotionally abusive, manipulative, and a liar. He did not know, or claims to not know, that what he was doing was wrong.
I felt like something was very wrong two weeks before our wedding. I just had this deep internal feeling in my gut saying something was not right. I expressed this to him, saying I wasn’t sure what I wanted or needed in a relationship and didn’t feel confident making this decision. I realize now it wasn’t true but he made me suppress my needs so much I didn’t even know what they were. I said you’ve felt like a friend to me and we don’t have a romantic connection. Maybe try kissing me more, hugging me more, taking me on dates. He did make an effort, but there were much bigger issues at play.
In total we’ve been together six years. Got together at 17 so we were young and stupid and it was our first relationship. Three years ago shit went downhill in his life and I was completely supporting him as he told me he was going to kill himself. I dropped everything for him and prioritized all his needs to make sure he was okay. Our relationship never flipped back to having my needs met even as I expressed what I needed and he got better. I told him that my needs weren’t being met three years ago and that I felt emotionally invalidated. He listened, did change things, but ultimately turned back into the same way. His dad is very emotionally manipulative as well so he’s grown up thinking that’s normal and okay. Ive seen how his mom is treated and I would never want to be treated that way but I am being treated in a similar way.
He told me the last year of our relationship was the best he could do. That’s not what you say to your partner when they’re telling you they need more from you. If you can’t step up, walk away. I genuinely spent the last six weeks of my life reflecting, meditating, journaling, praying, and examine every relationship in my life. Every thought I have tells me that I need to leave him. He spend the past 6 weeks making jokes about my concerns and saying I just wanted a rich man I don’t know how many times. He claims it’s all just jokes and that’s how we are, but making jokes about your partners concerns is childish. Many more things were said that are just unbelievable. He called me selfish as well, which is baffling considering I put him first for so many years. He is very insecure about himself and not happy with himself. He pushed those insecurities onto me and never gave me the space to feel. I never had the opportunity to examine how I felt about his choices because he would always assume how I was going to feel. I never felt respected, loved, cherished, validated, or taken care of. And it’s been six years.
He wouldn’t want me to talk to anyone about our relationship. Privacy is good of course, and some things don’t need to be shared, but he asked me to lie even about small things. He asked me to lie about his career choice and the fact that he quit his job right before our wedding. He even lied straight to my parents faces and told them he was going to work. My parents were shocked at how straight faced and good he was at lying. And I agree it’s scary how he can lie to you without even flinching. I just can’t trust him because he continues to lie.
Sunday I broke down in front of my parents and couldn’t keep it in anymore. Watching their faces as I told him everything that was going on really put things into perspective for me. They were so shocked and so angry that he said those things to me. My dad was pissed and immediately started looking at an annulment. I told him he also hit the couch next to me, he was not serious about hitting me I know but he was still looming over me and the look in his eyes scared me. He has not ever been physical with me but still. He was like why are you so disgusted with me you won’t even touch me? And I was disgusted with the treatment I was receiving by him and disgusted with myself for not seeing it sooner. I have grounds for annulment but that takes month and I don’t even think I want to wait that long.
Now that I’ve left he’s saying he’ll change and get better and do whatever I need. He’s telling me he’ll go to counseling and he is booking an appointment. He says he wants to make it work and will do anything because I’m everything to him and so special to him. I keep asking him why he never had this energy before but he just says he didn’t know the issues. I call bullshit as I’ve been trying for years at this point to fix things. I’m not the best communicator, but I’m begging for bare minimum shit here and have been for a long time. That’s embarrassing for me. He just can’t answer my questions. His stories always change and he always has a an excuse ready. He’s just so immature.
I’ve talked to my sister in law and she was so shocked by everything he’s done. And the thing is he’s so good at putting up a front that everyone is shocked. No one sees it. My dad is the only one who says I understand exactly how you feel. And I’m so glad I have someone who is saying that to me. My mom does not understand and is pushing counseling. I was already planning on therapy for me because of all the shit he’s done. But I’m like counseling for abuse? Would you say the same thing if he was physically abusing me? He has no idea this was so wrong? I don’t know if that makes it better or worse. And the thing is, I believe he wants to change and make it work. I believe he will do whatever right now and be good, but I don’t believe it will be a lasting change. Once he feels secure, he will go right back to the same patterns. He feels his point of view isn’t considered at all and I betrayed him by deciding to divorce without telling him. I was trying to protect myself and I knew if I talked to him he would make me doubt myself again. I just couldn’t do it.
I really feel like he just never thought I would leave him. I don’t know how many times he said “I don’t need to impress anyone anymore.” And that hurt because I always wanted to impress him. People keep asking me, if it was so bad why did you stay for so long? And I just didn’t realize it was so bad. He made me feel like it was normal and I learned to ignore my gut feelings. But I’m not doing that anymore.
I am so scared of the unknown. I’m scared that I’ll walk away and no one will want me because I was only married for a few weeks before getting divorced. I’m scared I’ll really like someone and that will just ruin it. I’m scared that I won’t find someone better or will find someone worse than him. I’m scared my future partner won’t trust me because they think I just give up. But I don’t and I never just give up on things. I thought so hard about this decision and it feels right to me. But I’m still just so scared.
I posted on here a couple of days ago if you want to check my post for more background but I am wondering how you come to terms with regaining your own reality. I am having a hard time trusting myself and listening to my inner voice. It’s been suppressed so long due to my relationship that I no longer know how to trust my feelings. How do you go about remedying that?
I never thought I would be making a post about this but I don’t know what else to do. This will be a long story but I want to give some background.
Me (22) and my husband (22) just recently got married. We will have been together for 6 years this year so we started dating quite young and were very stupid as it was our first relationship. When he proposed, I did not feel ready to be married or that I had the desire, but it felt like the right thing to do and I loved him. He treated me well and on the surface it appeared we didn’t have any issues.
Two weeks before our wedding, I had a nagging but feeling that something wasn’t right. I realized I was not happy with the situation and that I didn’t want this, but I had been suppressing all these emotions. I told him I was unsure of what I wanted and needed in a relationship so I didn’t feel ready to make a commitment. I told him it had nothing to do with him as a person and that he was amazing, but he understandably took it personally. Why I couldn’t have had these feelings sooner really pisses me off but I honestly don’t think I was ready to acknowledge them before. I apologized profusely for the timing and told him I was working on myself and I would figure it out. I have been since and I have been figuring a lot out.
As I have been sharing things with him, I feel that I keep getting shut down. It was honestly the most vulnerable I’ve ever been with him, yet I feel like I am getting made fun of for my needs. He has since told me “Good luck finding someone else who you can have this much fun with.” I agree we have fun, but that’s not enough to support a marriage. He has also said “Good luck finding someone better than this.” “Good luck finding another man who cooks.” “You just want a rich man.“ - in response to me saying I wanted to travel one day and that I wanted us both to be more financially stable before marriage. Key word is both. I have expressed that we were way too young to get married yet, and I (ME) wanted to be more financially independent before marriage, not just my partner. He thinks I want to travel the world right now and has made several comments about how I want a man with money so I can just travel. And no matter what I say he doesn’t listen.
When I have told him I want a deeper emotional connection, his response was that I needed to date a woman because no man will give me that. It hurt a lot and I don’t even know how to respond to something like that.
He also called me selfish because he said his career choice wasn’t good enough for me when I said he would be working many hours and I worried about what raising children would be like. He said that if he had chosen another career choice, I’d be fine with him working that many hours which is simply untrue.
I wish I could say this is new, but as I look back in our relationship, I realize he has done this before. He has made me doubt my own reality and or assumes what I feel and doesn’t allow me to express myself. Whenever I bring up something personal to him, he gets extremely defensive. He likes too always say “it wasn’t my intention to make you feel that way” but I still feel that way. I’ve told him intentions don’t matter and you should be thinking about how someone else is feeling. I usually have to ask for an apology or he gives a half-assed one in my opinion.
A couple months ago he accused me of having a gym crush on a man who goes to the gym at the same time as me. I was very caught or guard as we have both made jokes about how this guys is always there at the same time as us and I honestly thought it was funny. He has even brought up this guy in other conversations. Saying I might imagine him while having sex with my husband??? And saying I seem to want to suck this guy off? I don’t recall saying anything to make him think that and even if I say so he still keeps going. He also said do you think this guy would cry at your wedding?- when I said he wasn’t going to cry (he didn’t) but it’s a big deal to some women. I‘m honestly not sure what to say to any of his comments and some of them make me uncomfortable. I believe he is insecure because this guy is taller and appears to have money and he thinks that’s what I want. Again my emotions are being assumed without my thoughts even being considered.
I don’t feel i’m articulating this well as there’s so much more I could talk about. I just don’t know what to do and I can’t believe this is my life. I love him and it’s hard for me to imagine life without him. We also just got married and I’ve never been more sad in my life. I’m sitting here shaking and my hearts been racing so much lately from stress I think. I don’t even know if this is emotional abuse but it just doesn’t feel right and I’m so exhausted. I have no one to turn to and he was supposed to be my safe space but he doesn’t feel safe anymore.
Side note: I am considering therapy but I really just am spiraling because I feel like ever time I try to talk to him things just get worse.