My herpes diagnosis feels like a wrecking ball to my kink life
Tonight I found out that I have contracted hsv-2 (herpes). I'm absolutely devastated and I feel so incredibly alone.
Aside from the painful physical impacts, the fact that I've been bedridden this whole week, the social stigma, and alll the things that come with this new addition to my life, it it causing me to have serious questions about how I continue my exploration in the kink world.
I have been heavily involved in the kink community of my city for the past year and a half, ranging from explorations in BDSM interpersonally to play parties and orgies. I became especially enamored with the play party world, where I've met a ton of friends, friends with benefits, and have even hosted some of my own.
But now I'm wondering how I'll continue this part of my life that seems so integral to who I am. I have to be responsible and disclose to new partners. At a party with 100 different naked people that just doesn't seem appropriate. It almost feels like it would be disrespectful to go to one of those events with hsv-2, even with mandatory protection.
So now I just stop? It seems so abrupt. Ironically enough, I met the individual I believe gave it to me at a play party. He had been my consistent play partner for MONTHS. We attended these parties together. He was a good friend to me and the sex was incredible. Now I'm angry. I don't know if I'll be able to continue our sexual relationship.
Maybe this is a message from the universe to stop. There are definite cons to beng involved with this stuff. I do center sex in my life. I've never really dated, never experienced romantic love. I think I know deep down that a lot of these relationships I've cultivated from the kink world are somewhat surface level, built on lust first and understanding last. I know that a lot of the validation that I get will vanish once these partners know that I'm "not clean."
So really maybe that's what I'm grieving. And it took a herpes diagnoses for me to finally see it.