u/Safe-Neighborhood432

I recently have come out as lesbian to a few members of my family.

My sexuality is something I never really questioned until I actually started dating guys and realised that I have never actually felt sexually attracted to them.

Over the past year, I have been exploring my attraction to women, and everything feels like it is finally making sense. I definitely feel sexual attraction to women and to put it plainly, I understand what everyone is talking about.

However, I still struggle. After I go on dates with women, it’s great but when I get home I have a horrible shame response and more often than not have really bad mental breakdowns where I question my sexuality and say to myself I should just wait because maybe one day I will feel something towards a man.

I built up the courage to eventually tell my family what was going on. My mum thinks I am choosing to be gay, which she supports, but at the same time she thinks I can also choose to be straight so doesn’t understand my struggle is saying “I want to be straight but I just can’t”. She has always said to me “you don’t know how good it feels until you try it properly” which I found quite invalidating.

On top of this, I have had a few family members be accepting of it, but at the same time, tell me that sexuality is fluid. And whilst I can’t comment on other people’s lived experiences who might feel like their sexuality is fluid, it doesn’t feel that way for me.

This isn’t a choice I making. I don’t want to be judged for the rest of life because of my sexuality, I don’t want to loose friends and family, I don’t want to exist in a world where homosexuality is still criminalised in some countries. And for, telling me that in 5-10 years time my sexuality will change and will magically become straight just feels like I am making the wrong choice in choosing to come out to people. Because why would I risk rejection and loss, if sometime in the future I can be straight? For me, it makes sense to wait until then. I don’t really know what to think, I was wondering if anyone can give me any advice?

Hi everyone 🌷

I’m not really sure how to word this, but I think I’m finally at a point where I’m accepting my sexuality within myself, and I’m realising that accepting it and actually feeling comfortable with it are two very different things.

I’ve told a few family members, and that was a huge step for me, but I still feel like I’m carrying around this secret. I hate feeling like I’m hiding such a big part of myself, but at the same time I’m really scared of what could happen if I came out more openly.

A big part of my fear is losing friends. Logically, I know that if someone would stop being my friend because of my sexuality, then maybe that says something about the friendship...but emotionally, it’s not that simple. I genuinely love and appreciate the people in my life, and I don’t feel ready to risk losing them.

The confusing part is that most of my friends are progressive and I don’t think they would have a problem with LGBTQIA+ people in general. But I worry they would react differently when it’s me. I think part of this comes from the fact that I “look straight” and have always been perceived that way. I’ve also had friends tell me things about their thoughts/opinions or personal experiences that I’m not sure they would have shared if they knew my sexuality.

I think I’m also struggling with internalised homophobia in the sense that I still sometimes feel like my sexuality is something that changes how people see me, even though I don’t believe that about other people. I would never judge someone else for being LGBTQIA+, but when it comes to myself it feels much harder.

For anyone who has been through this, how did you get to a point where you felt comfortable being yourself? Did the fear of losing people ever go away, or did you just have to take the risk?

I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences ❤️

Hi everyone 🌷

I’m not really sure how to word this, but I think I’m finally at a point where I’m accepting my sexuality within myself, and I’m realising that accepting it and actually feeling comfortable with it are two very different things.

I’ve told a few family members, and that was a huge step for me, but I still feel like I’m carrying around this secret. I hate feeling like I’m hiding such a big part of myself, but at the same time I’m really scared of what could happen if I came out more openly.

A big part of my fear is losing friends. Logically, I know that if someone would stop being my friend because of my sexuality, then maybe that says something about the friendship...but emotionally, it’s not that simple. I genuinely love and appreciate the people in my life, and I don’t feel ready to risk losing them.

The confusing part is that most of my friends are progressive and I don’t think they would have a problem with LGBTQIA+ people in general. But I worry they would react differently when it’s me. I think part of this comes from the fact that I “look straight” and have always been perceived that way. I’ve also had friends tell me things about their thoughts/opinions or personal experiences that I’m not sure they would have shared if they knew my sexuality.

I think I’m also struggling with internalised homophobia in the sense that I still sometimes feel like my sexuality is something that changes how people see me, even though I don’t believe that about other people. I would never judge someone else for being LGBTQIA+, but when it comes to myself it feels much harder.

For anyone who has been through this, how did you get to a point where you felt comfortable being yourself? Did the fear of losing people ever go away, or did you just have to take the risk?

I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s experiences ❤️

22F, questioning my sexuality, and experiencing sexual attraction for the first time... to a friend who has a girlfriend

I'm 22F and still trying to figure out my sexuality. For most of my life I've considered myself somewhere on the asexual spectrum because I've never really experienced sexual attraction before. I've appreciated people's appearances and can find a lot of people aesthetically attractive, but I've never looked at someone and genuinely wanted anything physical with them.

About 6 months ago I met a woman through mutual connections. When I first saw her, she caught my attention, but not in a way that felt different from appreciating anyone else I find attractive. However, the more I've gotten to know her and the more time I've spent around her, the more I've realised that what I'm feeling is actually sexual attraction.

It's honestly been a bit of a shock. Suddenly all the things people say about desire make sense. I actively want her to kiss me. I want to be physically intimate with her. When we're talking, sometimes I have to look away because my brain is elsewhere and I'm trying to focus on the conversation.

The confusing part is that I've only seen her a handful of times, but every time I see her the feelings seem to get stronger rather than weaker.

The other issue is that she has a girlfriend. I have absolutely no interest in interfering with someone's relationship, and morally that's not something I'm comfortable with. We mostly hang out one-on-one, and I've actually made an effort to invite her girlfriend to things because I thought it might help me humanise her relationship and get over my feelings. Ironically, the woman I like is usually the one who only wants to hang out one-on-one.

I've tried moving on by dating other people, but I feel exactly the same way about everyone else that I've always felt. Nothing. No sexual attraction. No desire. Just appreciation. Which is making me worry that maybe this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing and I'll never feel this way about anyone else again.

So I guess I'm confused on three fronts:

1. How do you get over feelings for someone when they're unavailable and you still see them regularly?
2. As someone who thought they were on the asexual spectrum and is still figuring themselves out, what does this experience potentially mean for my sexuality? Is there hope that I will find someone attractive in this way again?
3. In future dating, should I only pursue people that I find sexually attractive? Or should I just date and hope eventually something grows?

22F, questioning my sexuality, and experiencing sexual attraction for the first time... to a friend who has a girlfriend

I'm 22F and still trying to figure out my sexuality. For most of my life I've considered myself somewhere on the asexual spectrum because I've never really experienced sexual attraction before. I've appreciated people's appearances and can find a lot of people aesthetically attractive, but I've never looked at someone and genuinely wanted anything physical with them.

About 6 months ago I met a woman through mutual connections. When I first saw her, she caught my attention, but not in a way that felt different from appreciating anyone else I find attractive. However, the more I've gotten to know her and the more time I've spent around her, the more I've realised that what I'm feeling is actually sexual attraction.

It's honestly been a bit of a shock. Suddenly all the things people say about desire make sense. I actively want her to kiss me. I want to be physically intimate with her. When we're talking, sometimes I have to look away because my brain is elsewhere and I'm trying to focus on the conversation.

The confusing part is that I've only seen her a handful of times, but every time I see her the feelings seem to get stronger rather than weaker.

The other issue is that she has a girlfriend. I have absolutely no interest in interfering with someone's relationship, and morally that's not something I'm comfortable with. We mostly hang out one-on-one, and I've actually made an effort to invite her girlfriend to things because I thought it might help me humanise her relationship and get over my feelings. Ironically, the woman I like is usually the one who only wants to hang out one-on-one.

I've tried moving on by dating other people, but I feel exactly the same way about everyone else that I've always felt. Nothing. No sexual attraction. No desire. Just appreciation. Which is making me worry that maybe this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing and I'll never feel this way about anyone else again.

So I guess I'm confused on three fronts:

1. How do you get over feelings for someone when they're unavailable and you still see them regularly?
2. As someone who thought they were on the asexual spectrum and is still figuring themselves out, what does this experience potentially mean for my sexuality? Is there hope that I will find someone attractive in this way again?
3. In future dating, should I only pursue people that I find sexually attractive? Or should I just date and hope eventually something grows?