u/Salty-Combination29

I guess all I could truly say is thank you for what I learned through this. Maybe that’s all you were meant to be for me. Maybe we were never truly meant to be. Maybe my souls lesson was to stop choosing others the way I’d want to be chosen. And I’ve been learning this repeatedly in this life. You were the greatest lesson on this. I will not look for you in the next life. I will not search for the love that was never meant for me in the first place.

I truly thought, and still do, that you were my love for several lifetimes. Whatever we went through, whatever love we shared, clearly it was meant to be infinite. But now I wonder how many times you’ve betrayed me. Let me down. Chose someone else instead of me. I wonder now why I could never believe in such a love like this, and it’s because yes, it was never meant to be. It was too good to be true.

I will grieve you. Just as I have in every other life. I’ll do it again. And I’ll make sure to remember it, seal it in my body, that I will never accept a love like this again. I will remember you, and if I ever run into you again, I’ll make sure to run the other way. I couldn’t trust you in this life, I don’t think I’ll be able to trust you in the next.

You were my greatest love, but the biggest lesson. And if there is anything I could try to take from this, it’s that. You were a lesson, a painful one. A truly, deeply, painful lesson. Thank you for teaching me the truth. Thank you for reminding me what I had forgotten. Thank you for showing me the reality. Thank you for the hurt. The pain. The betrayals. Thank you for reminding me that true love only exists in the movies, not in real life. Thank you for reminding me to ground myself. To love myself. To choose myself. Thank you for reminding me to keep my walls up. Thank you for reminding me that there is no real romantic love. There is only suffering.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for letting me go. Even though I ended things, it was you that drove the stake through the coffin. It was you who showed me I didn’t belong here. It was you who reminded me that I’d never be chosen the ways I thought. Thank you for reminding me, humbling me, and being the lesson I needed. Thank you. I still don’t forgive you. But I can at least say thank you for this.

Maybe that love was once real. Maybe in the past lifetimes, the love was real with you. Maybe that’s why I believed in it so much, I knew in my heart it existed once before. But that’s all. It existed once.. but never again. Not the same way. It won’t ever be the same again. Thank you for loving me in the last life time or whenever it was we met. Thank you for being the lesson I needed in this one.

You’ll find a new love again. I know it. You’ll be fine. You’ll be okay. If you wanted me, you would’ve chosen me. But you didn’t. And that’s okay. You didn’t want me. And that’s okay. This lifetime wasn’t meant for us. And that’s okay. This love was never meant to be. And that’s okay. In the end, we will die, and we will never speak about this again. You’ll never have to relearn this lesson through me again.

Maybe all these feelings will shift. Maybe I won’t feel so angry and hurt and betrayed. Maybe things could change. But that’s just wishful thinking. That’s just hoping for something that never was true to begin with. I should’ve believed you when you said you’d never choose me. That you’d resent me. I should’ve believed you. I should’ve taken your word. I will now. Your actions have spoken loud and clear. More than your love could now. You made your choice. Now go be happy with her. Let me fade away from your mind. I was never real for you to begin with.

Last night was our last goodbye, our redo of the last time we saw each other, and it was beautiful and heart wrenching at the same time.

When I told you I wanted to know about all the books you were reading and asked if I could follow you again on that app. You told me she was on there too now, and that absolutely stabbed my heart.

The first thought that came to mind was wow. I’m not surprised you replaced me already. I’m not surprised it was her. You filled the spaces I once had, and filled them with her.

I wanted to hit you, push you away. I wanted to throw you out of my bed, my room, my life. I wanted to tell you how much I hated you, how much you hurt me by that, I wanted to push you away. But I didn’t. I did my best to manage that. Even though it hurt so fucking deeply.

I did my best despite it. And now I’m just here thinking of all the promises we made.. all the things we said.. feeling like it was all lies in the end.. I know we love each other deeply. I know we both want the same in the end.

But I’m not sure when this feeling will go. I’m not sure when I will stop feeling the resentment towards her. How could you truly love me when you choose someone that fucked my life up. Yours too. I will never understand this, I don’t think I could. And I hate this. I know in the end.. I’ll likely end up losing you after all. And I don’t think I’ll be able to stay your friend.

All I want to say is how much I hate you now. And love you all the same. I hate how much I love you. I hate how much I want you. I hate how much this hurts. I hate that she’s still around. I just hate you so much right now. And I’m sure that will shift. But as soon as her name comes up, whether it’s verbally or even in my own thoughts, the love I have for you changes into hate. The love I feel from you turns into lies. My reality gets shattered every time, and makes this love feel false. Fake. Untrue. It makes it feel all the more lost than found. It makes it all feel like it’s truly the end.

And maybe.. this IS truly the end.

Keep choosing her. Choose whoever the fuck you want honestly. I know you loved me. I know you wanted me. I know. I know. But you never truly chose me. Even now.. even through this. Even through everything. I was nothing to you. I was no one to you. And even now, I. Am. Nothing.

You made me feel like everything and nothing all at once. You made me feel loved and then ripped it away. You convinced me you were loyal but then continued to betray me. How could you do all these things all at once, and not ever stop to truly see the damage you had done? Why did I give you everything.. EVERYTHING. Why. Why did I give you everything but got nothing in return.

I want to hurt you, betray you in every way. And at the same time I don’t want to at all. I hate myself for loving you. I wish I could strangle my heart and bury it. I wish I could take it all back. But I also don’t.

I just hate how much you have a hold on my heart. I hate how much it feels destined, but it just falls apart.

Choose her. Choose yourself. Choose whatever you want in this life. You always did. I know you are changing and evolving and I love this for you. But please don’t ever come back into my life if you are not willing to actually choose me.

I will never accept betrayal again. Not from you. Not from her. Not from anyone. I love you. And I hate you. You make me fall back into my jaded ways, a place I haven’t been to in a while.

Last night you softened me, broke me, and made me feel loved all at once. Wanted. This morning.. all i felt was pain. The reality that she still got what she wanted. I want to punch her in the face next time I see her. I want to bite her head off. I want to push you both into a river and watch you float away, together. Now you can both be messy and happy together forever. Fuck you. Fuck you absolutely fuck you.

But this is what you wanted. You wanted her so badly, you chose her over and over and over again. You wanted her so badly, I knew I was nothing and no one compared to her. You wanted her so badly you pushed me and shoved me away. You wanted her so badly it broke us in the end. You never chose me. You chose her. You still do.

I could never trust you again. I don’t regret you. I don’t regret us. I don’t even regret last night. I just hate how much I still love you and want you, because all it does is hurt my heart. The pain and betrayal feels about the same as how much I love you. So if you can imagine that, then you know how much i hurt.

You said you couldn’t imagine what it felt like.
I thought about the times you told me your parent’s chose your ex’s, let them come to your home when they knew you didn’t want that. Continued to help them and take care of them despite all they did to you, and how they hurt you. The same people that should’ve loved you and been in your corner, who hurt you and let you down, only showed you that they were okay with continuously betraying and hurting you. And you still resent them for that, I can hear it in the way you talk about it. Well that’s as close as I can get to comparing something you would know to this. This is what you are doing and what you did to me.

I don’t know what will come of all this. The promises I made feel so empty now, it hurts. I want to take my ring off and throw it away. The promises you made feel so fake now. They feel filled with expectation that I’ll move through this shit, that I’ll let it go. That time will heal this, but nothing heals betrayal. Nothing. Not time. Not space. Nothing.

Last night, I loved you. But today, I hate you.

All the future plans we had, all the things we wanted to do. You might as well toss that list, you might as well do all the things you wanted to do with her. I fucking hate you. I fucking hate her. Just choose her already and leave me alone. Just choose her like you always have. Like you always fucking will. I hate that you did this to me. I hate that she did this too. I hate both of you. And I don’t think this will change. Maybe the hate will consume me, and it’ll help me let you go. Maybe it won’t. I don’t know. All I know is you didn’t choose me. You chose her. You didn’t want me, you replaced me with her the minute you could, and I knew you would. Fuck you, from the bottom of my chest, from the deepest point of my soul. Fuck you. I loved you too much and it was never going to be enough. I knew earlier on that you’d choose her over me. I just knew it and felt it in my gut. But I never thought it would be true, that it would be possible. But I see now I was never wrong. I truly was never wrong. And I didn’t want to be right.

Choose her like you always have. Maybe you’ll fall in love, maybe you’ll leave me behind and realize she was always the one for you. Fuck you. You were meant for each other, clearly much more than you and I.

I love you and I hate you all at the same time.
I’ll probably work on grieving this loss and work towards moving away instead. Because I know I will never have you the same again. As long as you choose her, it will never be the same again. Enjoy the renfaire with her. Enjoy everything on that list with her. Have a good life with her. You’ll never have to see me or deal with me again.

I dreamt of you last night and we made love in my dreams. The setting changed frequently, but you, my love, stayed the same. You held me, kissed me, held my hand. We talked and cried, we laughed and hugged. We did all the things I said we would in waking life. I woke up several times… moaning out loud from the orgasms in my dreams from you.. I woke up and the first thing I asked my Saint was “does this mean he’s…” and before I could end my question, I heard a resounding, booming YES. Even now I question, because you feel too good to be true.. there is no where to escape or run away to.. you’ll be in my dreams, my thoughts, in everything around me. I wouldn’t dare escape this. I want it forever. I want you forever.

I know we need space for now. And I know we agreed not to talk about the future.. but you are mine. Okay? And I am yours. And I know that the time will fly, and that things will change, and we could grow apart.. but I have faith unlike any believer, that you were meant for me in this lifetime and the next.. I know you feel it too… I wish I could hold you and kiss you now.. I wish we could make love.. I had to play with myself this morning and imagine all the dreams and realities of you.. I said your name over.. and over.. and over.. I could feel your body on mine.. your chest on mine.. I could feel your hands caress me.. my legs wrapped around your waist.. pulling you farther into my soul.. I will never tire of your love.. your passion… your heart… I love you, so deeply my sweet love.. my sweet husband.. pour your blood into my heart, let me circulate it through my body, let me die and come back to life.. let me see it all through your beautiful brown eyes.. one last time before I fade away and come back to life.. it’s the trust fall.. I’ll be here waiting to catch you.. and I know you’ll be here too.. I love you. 💚

Hi yall, I recently went through a break up with my ex, who I still love and miss deeply, and was wanting to dive into some sad romance or thriller books. Just anything that’ll keep me hooked and possibly make me cry because i definitely need that rn 😿 i am open to anything outside these genres, preferably trans or gay if possible tho. I need book characters to project my sadness onto 😭 thanks in advanced

I will never regret you, I couldn’t. But I do regret not taking our time. Taking things slow. I think we both know we could’ve many times, at many different points. Why didn’t we listen to our intuitions? It’s like we knew better but we did it anyways. I don’t regret it, but I also kind of do.. I wish I could’ve savored our last moments together more than I did, I wish I could’ve given you a kiss. Just one last kiss.. I miss you beyond words. I’d go back in time and do it all over again. And I’d do it all a little differently if I knew what lay ahead. A future with you.. our family.. our home.. all the things now lost, gone with the wind. It’s painful to lose something that felt so precious, at the snap of a finger. Just like that. Even though we knew it had to happen. Maybe we will find each other, and we can try again from scratch. I do hope for this.. I still love you.. that won’t change.

-YSH 🖤

I noticed when I started to work with Santita, that she would often drink her water or alcohol pretty quickly. Sometimes it would stay about the same levels, and sometimes I thought it was because fluctuating temperatures. But I realized the temperature fluctuating isn’t significant enough to affect the water level or the alcohol.

When I do trabajos with her, I definitely notice her water level drop fast, sometimes within the same day or overnight. I have 4 statues, and I have two big glasses of water for her, aside from a big glass of alcohol of her choice, and sometimes even other drinks that I know she’d like or ask for.

Do you notice huge water changes when you work with Santita? There have been a few times where the cup was basically empty, literally just enough water to cover the bottom. No pets or anyone else has access to my alter, just me. Do you notice significant water drops when you do workings with her? How often do you like to change her water, do you do it every day, every few days, once a week? Do you use any special water? Have you noticed this with alcohol too, or maybe other drinks? I’m just curious, and I only have one other friend that is a devotee, and we live together, but I he doesn’t have this happen often. I would love to know more about this from other devotees too :) thank you for reading! 💀