u/Salty-Limit411

Quick heads up before I get into it. I posted the initial situation on r/AITAH a couple of days ago, it blew up pretty big but the mods eventually removed the update because it naturally turned into an advice post rather than a judgment one. They were right to do so which is exactly why I'm here now. The conflict is over, the relationship is done, but I genuinely just need some guidance on how to process everything that happened.

So I was with my girlfriend for 3 years. Everything felt solid and we were actively talking about our future together. Then a few days ago out of nowhere she dropped a condition on me. She said she refused to get married or have kids until her best friend, who moved to a different city about 2 years ago, was also ready to do the same thing.

I honestly thought I was losing my mind at first. After getting some outside perspective I actually reached out to the best friend directly to understand what was going on. Turns out the friend was completely blindsided by all of this. She told me the condition was ridiculous and that she has absolutely no plans to get married or have kids. She was so thrown off by it that she immediately called my ex to confront her about it herself.

I thought that would be the reality check that snapped my girlfriend out of it. Instead everything exploded. My ex just waved her friend's own words away saying "she will come around, I know her better than she knows herself." She refused the lifeline of couples therapy I offered, doubled down on everything, accused me of being unsupportive of her vision and ended up getting into a massive fight with her best friend too. That's when it clicked for me that I was essentially the third wheel in my own relationship fighting against a delusion that wasn't going to budge no matter what I did.

I ended things yesterday and I'm currently staying with family while we sort out the apartment situation.

Here's the thing though. I know logically I made the right call. You can't build a marriage on someone else's imaginary timeline. But the reality of it is hitting me hard today and it just really hurts. The relationship was so good in so many other ways. She was incredibly caring, we had a genuinely great dynamic at home. I think as a guy you are sometimes so starved for affection and care that you hold onto it tightly when you finally find it. And it genuinely blinds you to what's underneath. Because her friend lived in another city and they just stayed in touch over calls and texts the enmeshment was basically invisible to me the whole time. I missed this for three years and now I'm sitting in my family's spare room second guessing everything about my own judgment.

I'm not looking for validation, I know I made the right call. I'm just feeling pretty lost right now and could really use some perspective from people who've been through something similar. Specifically:

1. How do you rebuild trust in your own instincts after missing something this fundamental for three years?

2. How do you process grief when 95% of the relationship was genuinely great and the bad 5% only showed up right at the end to blow everything up?

3. Has anyone dealt with recovering from a partner who had this kind of unhealthy enmeshment with a friend?

Any insight is genuinely appreciated.

TL;DR: I [28M] was in a 3 year relationship that felt genuinely great. Out of nowhere my girlfriend [28F] made getting married and having kids conditional on her best friend doing the same, even though the best friend doesn't even want those things and told her so directly. When she still refused to drop the condition or consider therapy I ended the relationship. Logically I know it was right but emotionally I'm struggling. Looking for advice on rebuilding trust in your own judgment and processing grief after a relationship that was mostly really good.

Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/WtQjLGxhq2

Since the original post was getting way too long to keep updating, i'm putting the final conclusion here.

First off a massive thank you to everyone who commented. A lot of you pointed out things about codependency and enmeshment that i was completely blind to and honestly it gave me the clarity i needed.

Before getting into the update i just want to address two things that kept coming up in the comments.

To everyone roasting me about my timeline, yes i know you can still be a fit and active dad well into your 30s and 40s lol. It was just a personal goal i had in my head but fair point taken.

To everyone jokingly suggesting i should just date the best friend since she's apparently the sane one, absolutely not lmaooo. We are cool but i am staying far far away from that entire dynamic.

A lot of you were also asking how i missed such a massive red flag for three years. Honestly i didn't understand it either at first. I think as a guy you are sometimes so starved for affection and care that you hold onto it tightly when you finally find it. But it wasn't just that, i genuinely felt loved and cared for. She worked from home for her dad's business and there was no lack of emotional or physical intimacy either and she made my life so easy like would always make food for me, handled all the household stuff willingly without ever complaining and even when i offered to help she'd just wave me off saying she had it. This whole condition truly came out of nowhere and blindsided me completely.

After my last edit i left our apartment and spent the night away to clear my head. I made up my mind that i was going to sit her down calmly and try to make her understand how absurd this whole thing was. My plan was that if she finally understood we could look into couples therapy together to get to the root of it.

We had that final long conversation this morning. I tried to explain why having my future tied to a third party was a dealbreaker for me. But instead of trying to understand my perspective or even taking the lifeline of therapy she doubled down. She said her best friend is "abandoning" her and that i am being unsupportive of her vision for her life.

I even asked her directly to be honest with me if she simply wasn't ready for marriage or kids yet because that would be a completely different and understandable situation, one i was willing to work with and make compromises for because i genuinely didn't want to lose her over some fantasy plan. But she said no, she loves me, she does want marriage and kids, she just wouldn't drop the condition. And when i brought up the fact that her best friend had literally told her she doesn't want to get married, she just waved it off saying "she will come around, i know her better than she knows herself." That's when it became obvious that i was essentially the third wheel in my own relationship and that no amount of reasoning was going to get through.

It was a long hard conversation and there were a lot of tears but i made the decision to end the relationship. We want fundamentally different things and i can't build a future with someone who prioritizes a fantasy timeline over our actual partnership.

We are currently sorting out the apartment situation and i'll be staying with family for a bit while we untangle everything. It hurts right now, not going to pretend it doesn't. But reading through all your perspectives genuinely gave me the clarity and reality check i needed to see things for what they were.

Thanks again everyone. Won't be updating after this, just focusing on moving forward now.

So me (28M) and my girlfriend (28F) have been together for 3 years now and i recently brought up the marriage and kids talk. My reason is pretty simple, i want to be fit and active while my kids are growing up. Like if we have kids at 30 ill be 48 when they turn 18 which still feels decent enough to actually be involved and active in their lives. So i wanted to start planning ahead.

She said she also wants to get married and have kids but she had one condition. She wants to get married around the same time as her best friend. Not the same event necessarily just the same season or timeframe. Honestly i found it cute at first.

Here's where it gets complicated. I actually know her best friend personally and she is genuinely terrible at relationships, never lasted more than 6 months with anyone and is currently single. But the bigger issue is her best friend doesn't even want to get married. So my girlfriend's whole plan is to first convince her that she wants marriage, then find her a guy, then hope that guy proposes, then coordinate weddings.

I told her i don't mind waiting but i'm not comfortable with our future basically being in someone else's hands. She got upset saying i don't respect the friendship. So i said fine, 2 years, if things fall into place great but i can't wait forever with no end in sight. That got her even more riled up.

AITA for putting a timeframe on this?

EDIT: so after reading through all the comments i decided to reach out to her best friend and told her everything. and honestly her friend found the whole thing just as ridiculous as you guys did and immediately went and talked to my girlfriend trying to knock some sense into her. now my girlfriend is mad at both of us lmaooo. but hey at least her friend and i are on the same page. will update if anything changes.

EDIT 2: Did not expect this to blow up like this so here is a quick update. GF is currently giving me the silent treatment. But the wildest part? Her best friend texted me again apologizing for the collateral damage. She said she explicitly told my GF to drop the ridiculous condition. Instead of listening, my GF lost it on her and accused her of “betraying their friendship”, "not supporting her dream" and “choosing a guy over our friendship.” So now the two of them are fighting. After reading all your comments about codependency and projecting the red flags are glaring. Im taking a few days of space to seriously re evaluate this relationship. I dont think this is just about a wedding anymore. Will update if anything changes.

EDIT 3: Its been a few hours since the last update. I had a long talk with my GF earlier. She is still very upset and keeps saying that I don’t understand how important her friendship is and that I’m forcing her to choose. The best friend also messaged me again saying she is done trying to explain and is taking a step back from my GF for now. Honestly after everything that’s happened in the last 2 days I think I need more than just a few days of space. This whole situation has made me question a lot of things about our future. I will give one final update in a day or two after I clear my head.

EDIT 4: The situation is finally over. this post was getting way too long to keep updating with all the edits, so i posted the final conclusion in a new thread. you can read it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/nsD5Fi3Ap9