u/Same_Emotion_5718

A few days ago I posted about my (28F) breakup with my (29 M, dx, unmedicated) boyfriend. I shared a few of my experiences in the post and several of you told me that what I was describing did not seem like just ADHD. I won’t lie these last few days have been absolutely brutal for me. My emotions are up and down. And it’s taking EVERYTHING in me not to reach out to him.

Some updates:
I was extremely confused at the fact that my boyfriend had ADHD and was seeing a therapist but didn’t really know how it affected him outside of his executive functioning. He knew nothing about RSD and seemed to not know that his ADHD could impact his emotional regulation (or lack thereof). I spent the majority of our relationship being blamed for his anxiety and his rather large emotional reactions. He said he had never had these reactions with anyone else and that I had made his anxiety the worst it had been in years. I obviously internalized all of this and felt really bad about myself and the effect that I was having on him. Fast forward to towards the end of our relationship, I stumbled across a TikTok about RSD and fell into that rabbit hole which seemed to make everything click in my head.

Well I just looked up the “therapist” he told me he had been speaking to weekly and it turns out he’s not even licensed or went to school. He’s some sort of life coach/DJ. Here I was thinking that he was taking the steps necessary to address his ADHD with a licensed professional and it doesn’t seem like he is.

I scheduled a session this week with a therapist who kind of specialized in ADHD. I walked he through my relationship and she said that it didn’t seem like he had a personality disorder in addition to the ADHD.

All of this really shattered my world. My hope was that with space and time away from each other we could start to heal. I could develop the skills and knowledge necessary to accommodate him (but not betray myself) and he would start to have serious conversations with his therapist about how his ADHD played a role in our relationship. Now it just feels like there is no hope. I am so so so sad and I don’t know what to do anymore.

A few days ago I posted about my (28F) breakup with my (29 M, dx, unmedicated) boyfriend. I shared a few of my experiences in the post and several of you told me that what I was describing did not seem like just ADHD. I won’t lie these last few days have been absolutely brutal for me. My emotions are up and down. And it’s taking EVERYTHING in me not to reach out to him.

Some updates:
I was extremely confused at the fact that my boyfriend had ADHD and was seeing a therapist but didn’t really know how it affected him outside of his executive functioning. He knew nothing about RSD and seemed to not know that his ADHD could impact his emotional regulation (or lack thereof). I spent the majority of our relationship being blamed for his anxiety and his rather large emotional reactions. He said he had never had these reactions with anyone else and that I had made his anxiety the worst it had been in years. I obviously internalized all of this and felt really bad about myself and the effect that I was having on him. Fast forward to towards the end of our relationship, I stumbled across a TikTok about RSD and fell into that rabbit hole which seemed to make everything click in my head.

Well I just looked up the “therapist” he told me he had been speaking to weekly and it turns out he’s not even licensed or went to school. He’s some sort of life coach/DJ. Here I was thinking that he was taking the steps necessary to address his ADHD with a licensed professional and it doesn’t seem like he is.

I scheduled a session this week with a therapist who kind of specialized in ADHD. I walked he through my relationship and she said that it didn’t seem like he had a personality disorder in addition to the ADHD.

All of this really shattered my world. My hope was that with space and time away from each other we could start to heal. I could develop the skills and knowledge necessary to accommodate him (but not betray myself) and he would start to have serious conversations with his therapist about how his ADHD played a role in our relationship. Now it just feels like there is no hope. I am so so so sad and I don’t know what to do anymore.

28 F Broke up with my boyfriend (dx, unmedicated) 29 M boyfriend today and blocked him. We were together for a little under a year and I won’t lie the past few months have been absolute hell for me. I love him with my whole heart but I feel like I’ve had to kill off a part of myself to be with him. Every single thing in our relationship somehow always ended up being my fault. I couldn’t express my feelings to him without him centering himself, taking it extremely personal, bringing up how I did the same or how I did something to him before, or having a really large emotional reaction. Every single time I tried to bring up my feelings that was the outcome. Things would escalate so quickly, I genuinely couldn’t ever keep up. One second I’m telling him how something he did hurt me, the next he’s hyperventilating and having a panic attack, and then we’re broken up.

———————

He would say some of the meanest things to me in this space. It seemed like the truth shifted with his mood. On the good days I was the best girlfriend, the most caring, the love of his life… on the bad days, I was never good to him, I never cared or did any for him, all I did was criticize him, and he hated me. The facts would also change OFTEN. One day he would take accountability, the next he would say he didn’t do it or I was wrong to feel that way. I genuinely felt like I couldn’t ever get my feet fully planted on the ground. And the expectation was that once he switched back to good, I needed to immediately as well. The emotional whiplash was constant. His ADHD wasn’t the cause of all of our problems, but it was definitely what escalated them and kept us from repair.

————-

One of our last fights happened because I was talking to him about harm that I’ve dealt with at the hands of other men (physical, sexual, emotional abuse) and how it caused me anxiety interacting with men moving forward. He somehow managed to center himself and take it personally … he said how was he supposed to sit there and listen to me talk about how “men are bad” and not feel bad about himself or feel like i’m talking about him. I felt so invalidated in my experiences.

————

Every single bad thing in the relationship somehow ended up being my fault. He had these HUGE emotional reactions not because of his lack of emotional regulation, but because of my “tone” and phrasing. It didn’t matter how I said things. What phrases I used. If he felt like it was an attack he would shut down. He would blame me for his reactions. He said I stressed him out and caused his anxiety. That really hurt me. Watching him have these large reactions because I turned my back to him in bed or I said something with a tone and then him acting like it’s normal and I’m the evil woman who is pushing him to this. I tried to leave several times. Usually after bringing up my issues several times and being invalidated, I’d just lose my mind and try to remove myself. Then he would beg, cry, get emotional and pull me back in. Then blame me for wanting to leave and giving him anxiety.

————-

He’s been diagnosed since he was a teen, but he seems to have no knowledge of how it affects the people around him. He has been seeing a therapist for like a decade for PTSD and other things. Idk if they talk about his ADHD, It seems I introduced him to RSD. I can no longer deal with someone who hears what he wants to hear and responds based off of that. I need to be rooted in reality. I’m heartbroken. I thought this was going to be my husband, but being with him has absolutely destroyed my sense of self. I need to love myself more than I do him.

My hope is that he takes the time to learn and heal, maybe we’ll get back together in the future. But I know he will just seek out other women or things to help him bypass the discomfort. Reading this forum has also shown me that it very rarely ever gets better.

Please share some words of encouragement if you have them. Tell me your personal stories dealing with someone with RSD.

28 F Broke up with my boyfriend (dx, unmedicated) 29 M boyfriend today and blocked him. We were together for a little under a year and I won’t lie the past few months have been absolute hell for me. I love him with my whole heart but I feel like I’ve had to kill off a part of myself to be with him. Every single thing in our relationship somehow always ended up being my fault. I couldn’t express my feelings to him without him centering himself, taking it extremely personal, bringing up how I did the same or how I did something to him before, or having a really large emotional reaction. Every single time I tried to bring up my feelings that was the outcome. Things would escalate so quickly, I genuinely couldn’t ever keep up. One second I’m telling him how something he did hurt me, the next he’s hyperventilating and having a panic attack, and then we’re broken up. He would say some of the meanest things to me in this space. It seemed like the truth shifted with his mood. On the good days I was the best girlfriend, the most caring, the love of his life… on the bad days, I was never good to him, I never cared or did any for him, all I did was criticize him, and he hated me. The facts would also change OFTEN. One day he would take accountability, the next he would say he didn’t do it or I was wrong to feel that way. I genuinely felt like I couldn’t ever get my feet fully planted on the ground. And the expectation was that once he switched back to good, I needed to immediately as well. The emotional whiplash was constant. His ADHD wasn’t the cause of all of our problems, but it was definitely what escalated them and kept us from repair. One of our last fights happened because I was talking to him about harm that I’ve dealt with at the hands of other men (physical, sexual, emotional abuse) and how it caused me anxiety interacting with men moving forward. He somehow managed to center himself and take it personally … he said how was he supposed to sit there and listen to me talk about how “men are bad” and not feel bad about himself or feel like i’m talking about him. I felt so invalidated in my experiences. Every single bad thing in the relationship somehow ended up being my fault. He had these HUGE emotional reactions not because of his lack of emotional regulation, but because of my “tone” and phrasing. It didn’t matter how I said things. What phrases I used. If he felt like it was an attack he would shut down. He would blame me for his reactions. He said I stressed him out and caused his anxiety. That really hurt me. Watching him have these large reactions because I turned my back to him in bed or I said something with a tone and then him acting like it’s normal and I’m the evil woman who is pushing him to this. I tried to leave several times. Usually after bringing up my issues several times and being invalidated, I’d just lose my mind and try to remove myself. Then he would beg, cry, get emotional and pull me back in. Then blame me for wanting to leave and giving him anxiety.

He’s been diagnosed since he was a teen, but he seems to have no knowledge of how it affects the people around him. He has been seeing a therapist for like a decade for PTSD and other things. Idk if they talk about his ADHD, It seems I introduced him to RSD. I can no longer deal with someone who hears what he wants to hear and responds based off of that. I need to be rooted in reality. I’m heartbroken. I thought this was going to be my husband, but being with him has absolutely destroyed my sense of self. I need to love myself more than I do him.

My hope is that he takes the time to learn and heal, maybe we’ll get back together in the future. But I know he will just seek out other women or things to help him bypass the discomfort. Reading this forum has also shown me that it very rarely ever gets better.

Please share some words of encouragement if you have them. Tell me your personal stories dealing with someone with RSD.

28 F Broke up with my boyfriend (dx, unmedicated) 29 M boyfriend today and blocked him. We were together for a little under a year and I won’t lie the past few months have been absolute hell for me. I love him with my whole heart but I feel like I’ve had to kill off a part of myself to be with him. Every single thing in our relationship somehow always ended up being my fault. I couldn’t express my feelings to him without him centering himself, taking it extremely personal, bringing up how I did the same or how I did something to him before, or having a really large emotional reaction. Every single time I tried to bring up my feelings that was the outcome. Things would escalate so quickly, I genuinely couldn’t ever keep up. One second I’m telling him how something he did hurt me, the next he’s hyperventilating and having a panic attack, and then we’re broken up. He would say some of the meanest things to me in this space. It seemed like the truth shifted with his mood. On the good days I was the best girlfriend, the most caring, the love of his life… on the bad days, I was never good to him, I never cared or did any for him, all I did was criticize him, and he hated me. The facts would also change OFTEN. One day he would take accountability, the next he would say he didn’t do it or I was wrong to feel that way. I genuinely felt like I couldn’t ever get my feet fully planted on the ground. And the expectation was that once he switched back to good, I needed to immediately as well. The emotional whiplash was constant. His ADHD wasn’t the cause of all of our problems, but it was definitely what escalated them and kept us from repair. One of our last fights happened because I was talking to him about harm that I’ve dealt with at the hands of other men (physical, sexual, emotional abuse) and how it caused me anxiety interacting with men moving forward. He somehow managed to center himself and take it personally … he said how was he supposed to sit there and listen to me talk about how “men are bad” and not feel bad about himself or feel like i’m talking about him. I felt so invalidated in my experiences. Every single bad thing in the relationship somehow ended up being my fault. He had these HUGE emotional reactions not because of his lack of emotional regulation, but because of my “tone” and phrasing. It didn’t matter how I said things. What phrases I used. If he felt like it was an attack he would shut down. He would blame me for his reactions. He said I stressed him out and caused his anxiety. That really hurt me. Watching him have these large reactions because I turned my back to him in bed or I said something with a tone and then him acting like it’s normal and I’m the evil woman who is pushing him to this. I tried to leave several times. Usually after bringing up my issues several times and being invalidated, I’d just lose my mind and try to remove myself. Then he would beg, cry, get emotional and pull me back in. Then blame me for wanting to leave and giving him anxiety.

He’s been diagnosed since he was a teen, but he seems to have no knowledge of how it affects the people around him. He has been seeing a therapist for like a decade for PTSD and other things. Idk if they talk about his ADHD, It seems I introduced him to RSD. I can no longer deal with someone who hears what he wants to hear and responds based off of that. I need to be rooted in reality. I’m heartbroken. I thought this was going to be my husband, but being with him has absolutely destroyed my sense of self. I need to love myself more than I do him.

My hope is that he takes the time to learn and heal, maybe we’ll get back together in the future. But I know he will just seek out other women or things to help him bypass the discomfort. Reading this forum has also shown me that it very rarely ever gets better.

Please share some words of encouragement if you have them. Tell me your personal stories dealing with someone with RSD.