u/SaucerCIone

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Over the weekend, I hooked up with someone for the first time. It was my first time doing anything sexual with anyone in over a decade (I don't count those anyway) and the first time since starting my transition (I'm 5 months on E, over a year on mild T-blockers). As such, it was a genuinely life changing experience and was very emotional for me, but it wasn't without its complications, and I'm still kind tore up about them. I NEED some input/advice

For some context, I've been identifying as "functionally" asexual for almost 2 years. I say functional bc, while I'm not opposed to SOME sexual things, my bottom dysphoria would be a limiting factor. More to the point tho, I also haven't had a physical sex drive in those 2 years, or VERY little; it's just not important to me, but I still kinda wanted to do something intimate for the sake of feeling desirable and validated, as well as for the love of the game, if you will

It might be worth adding that I'm very touchy-feely and have been told by a few that I'm one of the most touch starved people that they have ever met. I have a desire to express affection for people and, when I can, I do that physically through cuddling, kissing, etc. My desires to do intimate things are similar; I want to make others feel loved and feel good, and while I deeply care for those close to me, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't kinda self serving

Also potentially relevant was that I used to not be ace when I was a teen, and during that time, I was a practicing christian, and that gave me alot of guilt and shame around it. I left religion years ago and moved past the guilt, but I recognize now that my bottom dyphoria was blended into that shame the whole time, so that much is still present

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Catching up to today, ALOT happened over those 24 hours (I was with her that long). I revealed more of myself to her than I have to pretty much anyone since transitioning, which felt liberating when she made it clear that I was actually physically attractive to her. Besides the obligatory hours of kissing n shit, we got involved with some nipple play for her, and oral for the both of us (no penetration). We also used some vibrators on the tip and frenulum (as though its a clit), which is what I do on my own

When I say I've never squeeled or moaned like I that before, I mean it. Some of the sensations were genuinely overwhelming, to the point where I would get an onset of a panic attack (adrenaline was filling my whole body including my head). at those points, we had to stop, though I wasn't upset by that since what I was feeling was genuinely angelic (especially since it was produced by the hot naked girl in front of me). Nevertheless, this is where things started to go wrong

Here's the issue: Nothing she did could make me cum. As it pertained to me, I was mostly unbothered, but as it pertained to the situation, I felt like an absolute failure. I was able to make her cum twice and I was OVER THE MOON about that fact, but when I was preventing her from returning the favor, it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. She asked if it may be due to trauma, and that may be so, since until the past 24 hours, sex and the like have been a source of pain and conflict for me. Despite this, I've become more and more aware over time that most of that pain stemed from my bottom dysphoria. While I (thought I) was making due with my equipment for that moment, I still had to look away AND have our activities be in the dark. I as I verbalized just how much I hate my equipment, I started sobbing in her arms; I knew something like this would happen

I should definitely mention the fact that I was struggling to stay hard n shit when she was trying stuff. She said it was because I was stressing myself out about it and couldn't relax (shes completely right), but I know that this was also influenced by my decade+ of porn consumption. NOT ADDICTION, but I was clearly dependent on it for arousal, even today whenever rarely I do stimulate myself. I know that this type of erectile dyfunction isn't rare, but I'm not really sure what to do about it

What should I do here? I want a way through this so that she can succeed in returning the favor, not because I feel I'm obligated to, but because that is actually what I want. I know I'm not the first trans woman to have issues like these, so I'm really hoping to hear about how you worked through it, or anything that might help. Thanks once again :3

Key: cis woman 2nd person/trans woman 2nd person

“You’re not a woman!” they said
They want to own that word 
Sculpt it into whatever shape they want
Whatever definition gives them the most control
They need to weaponize it
Weaponize themselves? Against themselves?
They do, even if they don’t know what the word means

You’re born
You’re given a name, a pink blanket, and a life sentence 
Sentenced to being a body first and a person second
You grow up
Your body begins to change 
The world tells you that this is the most important change of your life
You start to believe the world

You bleed
Your existence is a cycle of pain
Not just physical pain
The mental weight of knowing what the world wants from you
The emotional burden of trying to meet its expectations
You met them
Whether you wanted to or not, you met them
You’re desirable now
Even if you weren’t, you don’t get your humanity back
Deep down, you know that this is wrong
“You are your body”, the world told you 
You shouldn’t have listened, but its all you've ever heard

The world is changing
People are seeing themselves in a new way
“I am a woman!” they proclaim
They have found themselves
And you’ve found someone to blame
“We are NOT the same!” you exclaim
You’re not entirely wrong

After all, they chose this
How could anyone choose this?
You think you have the answer
“They’ll never know the struggle”, you reason
“They skipped the hard parts!” is your rationale 
Their joy has taken away the meaning of your pain
You lose yourself while they find themselves
It’s not fair

But it wasn’t fair to them either
Deep down, you know this
Their experiences were written out for them as well
Like you, their bodies spoke for them
But they’re not in the right body
And that's a pain you can’t understand
Even so, you deny your empathy 
You say they’re your enemy
You say they’re commodifying your identity
“You are your body” you remember
You’re the patriarchy’s biggest defender

You see them transition
They look like you, sound like you
They are more like you than they are different
But you don’t feel any different
You’re unrelenting in your beliefs
They have a female body now
They’re objectified like you
Dehumanized like you
They have curves in all the right places
Except one
The most important one
The one that you makes you a woman
After all, that’s what the world told you, right?
“You are your body” you affirm, desperately
You need this to be true
You don’t know who you are if it isn't

“You’re not a woman!” they told you
They don’t know what that word means
I promise you that
They also don’t know what a chromosome is
Or how biology works
Or neurophysiology
Or chemistry
They genuinely don’t know what they’re talking about
But you do
You know who you are more than anyone ever could
“I think, therefore I am”
you think you’re a woman, therefore you are a woman
Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise

Edits are just minor revisions :3

These are some hot takes. For a TLDR, start at the dotted line if you wanna skip the context

First and foremost: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WANTING TO PASS!!!! I can't stress that enough because it will seem like I'm being critical of people who want to pass, but that's not my intent. There's a difference between wanting to pass and centering your transition and how you feel about it around how well you pass. Hopefully you'll see what I mean

As y'all may have seen, a post was made the other day where the OP was calling out instances of other trans people clocking her, saying that trans people shouldn't clock other trans people because, in her words:

"how can you yourself be a trans woman and not understand how painful or uncomfortable it is to be clocked or reminded you're trans in public"

While I understand the sentiment, and agree that there is a time, place, and right way to do it, condeming "friendly fire" clocking entirely didn't sit right with me at all. Most of my thoughts are in this comment that I left, but in short, I've heard people say similar things about how its rude to clock other trans people, and the one thing these people all have in common is that they pass super well already. OPs language suggests she falls into this catagory, and while It's stupid to blame someone for their passing ability, its also silly for said people not to acknowledge that passing priviledge is very real, and that this changes your trans experience in meaningful ways

I saw people in the comments make suggestions about how to communicate to other trans people without directly clocking them. Many suggested just complimenting them, such as on their hair or outfit (which is something I have done with dolls I've met in public), but some people said that even this might be too much. In one commenter's words:

"I am non-passing myself, so I wouldn't want them to think I am only trying to compliment since I am obviously trans myself and have clocked them"

it was at this point that I decided to make this post. No hate to the OP of that comment (again, I understand the perspective), but are we being for real rn? To me, this entire discourse has notes of internalized transphobia and speaks to an issue I've been seeing for a while: the overvaluation of passing

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To reiterate, I AM FULLY AWARE OF THE SAFETY COMPONANT OF PASSING. When I talk about how passing is overvalued, this does NOT include how important it is when it comes to your protection. this is strictly about the role it plays in people's self perception/worth

As I stated in my comment on the original post, I think that people who treat passing as the holy grail of transitioning are sort of missing the point. I know how euphoric is feels to pass to a stranger, and how much of a gut punch it can be when you don't. That being said, I've made SURE that I don't tie how I feel about my transition/Identity to how often I pass, because there is now way to actually know what your pass/clock ratio is

To illustrate what I mean, I want all of you to consider the following:

1. How many people that you passed to would have switched to your assigned pronouns if you did somthing clocky?

2. How many people that you passed to actually DID clock you but decided to gender you correctly anyway?

There is no way to know the answer to either of those questions, not to mention the fact that you will either pass or get clocked by EVERYONE who sees you and you'll never know which because they don't say anything. I know that those questions are hard to think about, but the point I'm trying to make by asking them is this: passing becomes less and less meaningful the more you realize that it only matters if the people are supportive and validating. If someone addresses you and treats you as your true gender, does it really matter if they think your trans or cis? obviously, it doesn't matter to them, and at the end of the day, It shouldn't matter to us either

Alot of us, especially early on, have alot of interalized transphobia to deconstruct. this manifests itself as being over-reliant on passing as a source of validation and confirmation. To be fair, people behave like this generally, looking to the world to tell us that we did [whatever it is] right instead of deciding for ourselves; this is just insecurity

To be even fairer, gender incongruence may be the deepest form of insecurity. We are literally not secure in ourselves because the space we occupy in the world doesn't reflect who we are on a fundamental level. As we know, transitioning is how we resolves this, but in this proccess, we often make the mistake of thinking that reaching gender congruance (i.e completing your transition) is only possible if you pass, since its a pretty surefire comfirmation that the way the world sees you is congruent with how you see yourself, but thats where the interalized transphobia lies

Accepting that you're your true gender whether the world thinks so or not is something that takes a WHILE, not to mention being very difficult to do in a transphobic world. Nevertheless, relying on the world to tell you that you're actually a girl (in this case) is still internalized transphobia. This is particularly so with people who try to distance themselves from their transness; to me, they seem to think that becoming cis is the end goal, which by definition is impossible. I think I speak for most of us when I say we all wish we were born cis, but that doesn't take away from who I actually am, because nothing about who I am is contingent on what I look like

I know saying things like this is controversial, but I think we need to legitimately consider the classic "cis people do/look like that too". I doesn't make the dysphoria go away (believe me, I know), but it DOES make it easier to deal with. There are PLENTY of cis people who get misgendered. We all know that "we can always tell" is complete BS, but the cis people who get wrapped up in just proves it even more. People can be challenging to enterpret, regardless of their level of gender congruance. People are born that look androgenous, women develope masculine features, men develope feminine features, and we developed the wrong set of features broadly. None of this makes us less of who we are

I know that doesn't help everyone, but for me, it's conforting to know that getting misgendered, on purpose or not, just makes the other person wrong. I don't even know how clocky I am (y'all will have to tell me I guess), but I feel like I could just correct people and they'd roll with it if I did it with enough confidence

I know this post doesn't completely address the original topic, so to quickly do so, I don't think being clocked by a trans person is being clocked at all. being recognized by one of your own actually makes me feel safe and seen, I've met some amazing people via us "clocking" eachother, and I'm not sure that those interactions would've happened if I was super passing. I'm not saying you should wear trans pins everywhere you go, but please don't act like you're being put on trial for your girlness everytime someone clocks you, especially if its one of your sisters. If anything, being clocked and still gendered correctly feels like an exoneration to me. You're not wrong for wanting to pass, just don't stake your whole transition on it, because you can't control what other people think or do

I apologize for writing a whole ass disortation. Thank you for your time :3

Without disclosing details, I the FAA are getting involved with an incident at the A&P school that I go to. I'm the key player in the incident so they are going to talk to me, and I need to know what to expect from them. Do they just ask questions or do they try to fuck you over? Should I plead the 5th ammendent and get a lawyer?

I know for a fact that everything I did was within the regulations, but without proper legal counsel, I'm not sure how I should approach this or what precautions I should take. What do y'all think?

EDIT: the issue is an asserted violation of FAR 65.19 and whether I followed it correctly

Y’all know how those songs are like the Army anthems? Like, those are songs that Army collectively claimed as “their song”. I’ve been a Once for almost 7 years but I cant think of a song that fits this other than Feel Special, but it doesn’t feel like the correct answer since its a title track and not a “random” b-side

My only other thoughts would be One in a Million and 21:29, but I wanted to hear from y’all and discuss it a bit :3

EDIT: I’d also like to add that I feel like the Twice equivalent of Autumn Leaves is Love Foolish or Oxygen but idk if that would make sense to anyone