I am so hesitant about it. I have a hard time taking in my surroundings. It’s so hard for me to remain present. I zone out so much. Or stand behind this foggy glass. It’s hard to scan my environment and take it all in. I’m scared to miss things. One day I was so dissociated while walking that my sister said she thought I was going to walk into a car. Anyone else? Have you overcome this?
I grew up with selective mutism, and I also have a dissociative disorder (OSDD or DID). I am not yet diagnosed, but all the symptoms are present, as well as dissociated identity states.
I have noticed this intense dissociation linked with a disconnect between my mind / thoughts and body awareness in my present day life. Let me explain,
Sometimes when I heavily dissociate, and especially with internal talking / awareness or focus / and-or maladaptive daydreaming — I will notice that noise will come from my throat. It’s almost like trying to talk with your mouth closed. But I am very dissociated from it. It’s almost like it has a mind of its own, or just a deep disconnection from mind & body.
This makes me think about how I grew up with selective mutism, and what happened with that disorder is that oftentimes your throat will get tight, and it’s like your voice gets trapped in your throat. I wonder if there’s an association there?
I think mutism really broke me.
I am not even aware of it when it happens. One day I somehow remained aware and caught a glimpse of that. I was mortified! I said to myself, do I make noises like this all the time when I am immersed in thought (usually “vocal” thoughts lol🤦♀️). I talk a lot in my head because of years of not having a voice, I still have no one to talk to. But I guess I dissociate when I do this, and it gets so immersive, and I suppose my body responds to the intense vivid idea of talking that it triggers my throat muscles?? all I know is, that it was LOUD, and I never EVER >**hear**< it when it happens (leading me to realize I dissociative when it happen). Others around me have responded to this! 😳 one day I was watching a cute video and I say “aweee” in my mind, and apparently a LOUD squeal came out of me and I had NO IDEA! It had to have been loud because the TV was blasting! But *I* never heard it! My mom was right there and was like “did you just squeal?” … — I don’t just dissociate noises, I also say words and speak (but I now know those are dissociative parts coming forward).
I also realized that you can apparently dissociative from your different senses. Because I realized that when this happens I remain conscious but I cannot even FEEL the vibration from noise coming through my throat, I don’t HEAR anything … it’s crazy. How can it be so loud and yet I don’t hear it? But even my dog has responded to it! That’s how I know it’s happening.
I know a lot of my dissociation is as actually due to the selective mutism. Being in school like that was so deeply tormenting to me, the somatic sensation, the fear, the freeze, it was all so intense for me it was actually a very significant component in dissociating so intensely as a child and developing a dissociative disorder. There were other factors of course, but I switched the most in school because it was so distressing to me. My home was abusive and horrible, but school was almost worse. I still also heavily dissociate in social situations.
I’m curious if there’s anyone else here who has a dissociative disorder as well, and if you’ve noticed any interesting parallels? I have noticed lots of interesting parallels between dissociative and SM for me. Experiencing SM as a child with no support, was very traumatic for me. On top of all the other trauma I was also experiencing at the time.
I know this might sound weird but let me explain. So, I’ve discerned a few different voices, and at times I can definitely feel exactly where in my head/brain where a voice is coming from. Like from the back of my head, in one incident. And also the tone or sound of the voice, with different distinctions. But a few other times, it’s almost like a voice is coming from my throat, and it sounds like a frog. 😭 idk, it kind of makes me feel weird so I ignore it. But I wondered if maybe this could be something other people experience?
I’ve definitely heard of others saying how parts can be lodged in certain parts of the body. I’ve always found that interesting.
This is also an odd association: sometimes when I heavily dissociate, and especially with internal talking / awareness or focus / and/or maladaptive daydreaming — I will notice that noise will come from my throat. It’s almost like trying to talk with your mouth closed. But I am very dissociated from it. It’s almost like it has a mind of its own, or just a deep disconnection from mind & body? Not sure.
This makes me think about how I grew up with selective mutism, and what happened with that disorder is that oftentimes your throat will get tight, and it’s like your voice gets trapped in your throat. I wonder if there’s an association there?
Anyway, I just wanted to ask because I was curious about it this. If anyone has anything to add? Or if anyone notices any parts lodged in the body, and how that might affect you? Or if any parts have odd sounding voices? This has tripped me out for so long. I think mutism really broke me.
Another post I made for more context : https://www.reddit.com/r/selectivemutism/s/1nHXNOaRcn
TL/TR (is that correct acronym?)
**Are you AWARE of your fragmentation? Ie. Your life and sense of self, or personal experience of life, feel notably fragmented, like a jigsaw puzzle, or something of the like? Or do you live life closed out from your parts (& experiencing them) —therefore causing you to experience the world as “one” or as a “singular self”** (& maybe you can elaborate? I’m just curious about what other people’s experiences are like, and if anyone feels the way I do. It’s weird flipping between “I’m one person” to “I’m more than one”) Maybe it’s a host / presenter / ANP thing?
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(Incoming slight ramble)
Does anybody else feel like a single person - unless something disturbs that? I live life like I am a single / whole individual, and perceive myself as one; I have the “single experience” - until for whatever reason there’s movement from parts. It only comes once in the blue moon, these days. I’m hoping for it to increase because I believe that is integration. And though from day to day in my adult years, I live and feel completely as though I am a single — it comes with a price. It comes with a deep feeling of emptiness, gloom, lack of a sense of self, and numbness in my day to day life. I do feel incompete, but more in the sense of my emotions & sense of self - not necessarily because of the *feeling* of fragmentation, or “others” (though I know they are there). I wouldn’t have guessed that I was multiple, without my parts presenting themselves and causing an “inner knowing” and passive influence etc.
When I was a child, I remember feeling *notably* fragmented and viscerally like I was not one whole piece, and I could feel that I was “many”, or multiple. I did not feel like one whole complete person! I remember feeling as a kid that when people looked at me, they weren’t seeing the only me there was. But now I feel like I’m “normal” like everyone else.
I guess overall it’s a lack of awareness. When I was a kid, I was AWARE. Since I got older, somehow I got shutout from that awareness and knowledge that others even exist, until the past year or so. It’s just weird for me to go in and out of these two different feelings & experiences. It’s weird to come back to the knowledge of being fragmented and multiple when you forgot and live as a single person.
It’s like I have to remind myself that I am multiple, and remind myself of the others, and that they’re there. And when we *do* connect, it’s so amazing! It’s everything I could wish for because it does make me feel more whole & like I am finding missing pieces of myself (showing that there is fragmentation I can feel, just not in the same awareness as before. I guess it’s only when they come to me that I notice it. Like “oh, that was missing!”). Does any of this make sense? I *do* feel incomplete, just not in the “there’s multiple different me’s” kind of way that I felt when I I was a kid. It also might be because I don’t switch as much. If I switched more, I’m sure everything would feel more fragmented.
I just wish to come closer and experience my parts more fluidly. 😭 I also feel I’m majorly contradicting myself … I feel like one single person, and not like a whole person at the same time, in different ways. Overall, I just forget they’re there, I think. And I’m repeating myself srry 🤭 It’s hard to explain experiences and feelings sometimes so I tend to repeat myself.
There’s long stretches of time where’s there’s *zero activity* that I can pick up on with my parts. & think this is a huge contributing factor. **Now I am wondering how much others experience their parts?** Does this depend on integration? … there’s so many questions with this disorder😭 thanks for letting me ramble … I still have so many more questions! 😭 thankful for this Reddit though. And that there is a community to share our experiences in. I can’t imagine not having *some* form of community! But I guess that’s also what therapy is for … that I don’t have access to yet 😢 okay, ramble over.