I previously worked at a Casey’s store for 11 months, I left for a full time opportunity at Amazon which was seasonal, got laid off, but when I applied back to Casey’s in which I did twice, I got the auto rejection email after their online interview.
Is this normal or is this just me?
Right now I’m 18 reflecting on everything, and I truly think my entire life has been fucked up. The purpose of this post is to spill everything out as I feel a bit lost.
Venting and need help.
Starting from the age of 5, my parents got divorced. Both moved to apartments and we rotated between parents on a weekly basis. My mom met a guy, let’s call him Dan.
The very first introduction I had in Dan’s house and his kids were negative. I said or did something that I don’t remember, my mom took me into a room and pinched me hard by the side until I apologized and behaved. I was also designated as the youngest child who was "behind," establishing an early family dynamic where my capabilities were constantly underestimated.
Anyway by age 6 they were married.
When living in their house, it was full of constant arguments, and it got intense to the point where one night my mom had me and my sister pack our rooms, and that night we left. I was staring at the car window, some tears coming down as me and my stepbrother had a deep bond and I thought it was gone.
Then much later something unexpected happened. Apparently they worked everything out behind the scenes and now we’re going back to the house, my mom and Dan are back together!
Oh wait.
Arguments are happening again.
Oh wait.
Left the house again.
Oh wait.
Decided to abandon the house and bought a house closer to where my school is.
Oh wait.
My mom left Dan.
Oh wait.
Back together.
You’d think after all the house drama, school was going to be my safe ground, right? Nope.
So I’m autistic and was placed on an IEP in elementary school, so I was viewed as different. I didn’t even know I was autistic until right before middle school. Nothing personal, that’s natural. Still made friends and all, all was good.
Oh wait..
They’re not my friends. Because I was on an IEP and viewed as different, they took advantage of me and used me for their personal gain. I was never ‘truly’ their friend. So I realized that by 5th grade and was a massive stab in the back.
Why am I talking about my childhood so heavily? This is just the foundation.
Middle school.
6th grade.
I just wanted to move on, but I’m quiet. The first couple of months I was just sitting by myself at lunch, no one to talk to. One day surprised me, one kid came up to me, asking “Want to sit by us?” I didn’t even hesitate and I sat by them. I talked to them, they seemed like good people to be around. Had my first sleepover. It was fun. It was a good time. Rest of 6th grade went smoothly can’t lie, just had some challenges to overcome.
7th grade.
They had a new friend. Nate. I quickly didn’t like him. Because he spent all his time pretty much teasing and making fun of me in front of the rest of the group. The friend group quickly became toxic, but I was a coward for staying. Just stayed and absorbed it. Okay that years done.
8th grade.
They got into a fight with Nate and kicked out of the group. All was good.
*Oh wait.*
They worked things out with him, and he’s apart of the group again. Oh well, I just went and made more friends and all was good.
*Oh wait.*
This is a repeat of elementary school. They weren’t my friends, I was used again for personal gain. Okay fuck them all, I’ll just go into high school ground zero.
From the very first day of High School, I knew something was off. I just had an awful feeling from the first day and was most evident at the freshman prep rally. Moving through high school in pure survival mode created a massive barrier between myself and peers who had stable backgrounds. I found some ppl I knew from middle school so I talked to them. Other kids from middle school I didn’t previously know but they seemed cool so I talked to them we became friends. However I had trouble figuring out if they were true friends or if they were just using me, so that was my curse in high school.
So everyday they did something wrong I didn’t like I responded instantly and just cut them off for a bit, reflected then reached out. It was a common occurrence.
Oh yeah not to mention the unfair administration. Got pushed out of my desk because me and this other kid were play fighting then he suddenly got mad. Teacher wasn’t having it. We both were sent to the office. I thought if I explained it to the assistant principal he’d be understanding but he immediately went to interrogation mode, telling me I’m not meeting the behavioral standards and I need to step it up or I’ll get suspended. Uhh okay rough day I guess.
Then I was waiting in the chair by the room where he was doing the same to the other kid then a para i knew from elementary saw me, recognized me, wondered what was happening then I said “well I’m in trouble” She paused, gave a look and said “that doesn’t sound like you” Ouch. Alright I’ll just try to move on. Oh yeah forgot she was the mother of one of my sister’s friend so I just kept it to myself.
I had some ‘depression waves’ throughout the rest of freshman and sophomore years until it really hit Junior year. At age 15, the invisible weight of the performance became too heavy, leading to a period of deep, overwhelming depression that culminated in a serious attempt to end my life. My dad offered zero emotional protection during these years, using a "laid-back approach" as an excuse to completely check out of active parenting when things got difficult.
6 or so houses later, my mom and Dan decided to get a full divorce and by that time I’m 17. My mom declared she’s never seeing a guy or marrying again. But she started drinking heavily, invited irresponsible friends over, and just wasn’t at the house as much for a while and the times she was, she was with her obnoxious friends.
She met an older guy let’s call him Steven, went on vacation but then she said he was just a friend. She didn’t like him and moved on. A couple weeks later she met another guy. Let’s call him John. They were first ‘friends’, she stopped by his camper from the time.
Oh wait.
They’re dating now.
Oh wait.
They’re engaged now and are planning to get married while my mom talks shit about my dad and her other ex husband.
Oh wait.
The arguments are starting to get more and more intense as John is slowly showing his true colors. Isn’t this going to be another repeat? Not wanting to be apart of it.
Then I met this girl. Let’s call her Sarah. We connected fast, had similar sense of humor, and honestly we mostly talked on Snapchat before later meeting in person. It eventually turned into where I trauma dumped on her when something was going up on home like my mom and Dan fighting, and the divorce etc. I told her I’m sorry but she said she doesn’t mind and likes when I do that, and I was still depressed and was desperate so I kinda did that more often.
I eventually started liking her, and I asked her out and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. Well 2 weeks later she wasn’t sure she could do it because she was worried about college etc but we talked it out and back together.
We did a lot of things we hung out often, but honestly there were moments where I just freaked out over something small and I just was really intense. Few issues I ran into like she didn’t want to talk to me during graduation, would constantly repost celebrity or other ‘hot men’ on social media, etc. got into heavy arguments and she was like “don’t look at my reposts then”, “why are you with me then”
I forgave her as it was a tense moment and things sorta relaxed but then I just slammed her again for something small. Which drew a line for her and she said we should either work everything out or end it because she can’t do it anymore. I decided to end it because I thought it’d be better for us in the long run.
Few months of no contact, but we both missed each other then we reconnected. We talked everything out and got back together. Honestly it went well and then it just faded away. I decided to break up with her because we were just fundamentally different and we had different priorities. Oh well.
She said she wasn’t really that sad about it because and I didn’t much either because we felt the same way. At least she was a genuine person, and that we can still be friends.
Oh wait.
She wasn’t. She did a complete switch up, pushing 20 and posted on her story with her friend joking they’re going to get married, made a thirst trap TikTok, and unfollowed me on social media just to get a jab at me. I’m like screw it I’m done with this shit and I just cut her off and blocked her.
The same day was dinner with my mom. We went out to eat but then she started saying remarks about how she hopes her children doesn't become self centered after talking about her dad, etc. Then she casually dropped that she wants to move to Florida, saying "with or without John I'm going," making cross-country ultimatums to her own fiancé.
Whenever peers talk fondly about missing school or their families, it hits me with intense pangs of sadness, envy, and disconnect, because I realize my own youth was spent in pure survival mode.
I realized the whole relationship, and my childhood, was just another performance.
So honestly right now I’m at the point where im stuck at my mom’s house with John, just cut my ex off. Trying to move out and I’m stuck as family relations are tense with people finding issues with the other.
But I am shifting completely out of the script they wrote for me. I’m currently working at an AR Amazon Fulfillment Center (a site with good leadership and management, really not that bad where I’m at), saving aggressively to move out of my mom’s house and get my own apartment
Aside from chasing my dreams, im not sure what to do from there. Not sure what I should do with my family’s relations. This is where im lost. This story probably isn’t in accurate chronological but this is just from the top of my head.