u/Separate_Dragonfly58

I know. It's a cliche question in this group. I know I could just simply search the group but I also want to just rant I guess.

I found out my(F27) boyfriend(M29) had been watching p0rn back in March. So we're on about month 4. In my head, that was cheating. That was betrayal. I don't know the rules to infidelity but I think I reacted the same way I would if I found out he was physically cheating on me. I had set this boundary literally at the beginning of our relationship because he asked and then agreed to not watch it. Honestly, I didn't think anything of it. We watched shows and movies with sex in it and we even watched the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy within the first month of us dating. And yes, that was my choosing. Again, I didn't think anything of it.

Something happened at the end of February that led me to looking through his activity in March. March 8th to be exact. I found everything. According to his activity he had started to watch it January 3rd but according to him, he started in December. I was so heartbroken. He had given me every excuse in the book. I kept wondering what went wrong in December. He couldn't even last a year. He said he didn't know what triggered it. He gave me the excuse that he was 100% sober and maybe that was it, he told me he was addicted, he told me he was just doing what guys do. Way to make my outlook on men even worse. He said it had nothing to do with me and that he didn't feel a different way about me when he would watch it. I still find that so hard to believe. I saw the women he was watching. Skinny, beautiful, had everything right. I'm a big girl and I don't have everything right. I have insecurities. My confidence is nonexistent now. He has slowly took it away. Not just from this but he has commented on the attractiveness of another woman and that hurt.

I'm just hurt. He stopped watching in February after the thing that happened then. I can see his activity anytime I want. I put restrictions on his phone like I read about. I've done everything. He's doing everything he can to gain my trust back and make me feel loved. It's just really hard to accept his compliments and it's been really hard to trust him. I look at his activity every time I'm on my laptop. I've slowly been getting better. I'm not as insane about it as I was. It still feels so fresh though. I still cry thinking about it. I'm tearing up now just talking about it. I've been validated so many times. I know how I'm feeling is valid. I'm hurt, my confidence is gone, my love got taken for granted(his words), I'm mourning the relationship I thought I was living in December through February, I'm mourning the boyfriend I thought I had. I was lied to, had things happen behind my back.

He's doing things right. At least I hope he is. I heard forgiving someone can help move things forward but I'm having such a hard time trying to forgive him. I'm not forgiving him in hopes that the hurt goes away. I know that's not going to him. I want to forgive him because of all of the effort he has made to change his ways and be the boyfriend I deserved in the beginning. Before this, he was an ok boyfriend. I love him with everything I have but he had a lot of things to work on. I'm his first girlfriend so I've let a lot of things slide but this, this could have been avoided had he respected me and not broken my trust. How has anyone gotten past something like this? Is it possible?

I know. It's a cliche question in this group. I know I could just simply search the group but I also want to just rant I guess.

I found out my(F27) boyfriend(M29) had been watching p0rn back in March. So we're on about month 4. In my head, that was cheating. That was betrayal. I don't know the rules to infidelity but I think I reacted the same way I would if I found out he was physically cheating on me. I had set this boundary literally at the beginning of our relationship because he asked and then agreed to not watch it. Honestly, I didn't think anything of it. We watched shows and movies with sex in it and we even watched the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy within the first month of us dating. And yes, that was my choosing. Again, I didn't think anything of it.

Something happened at the end of February that led me to looking through his activity in March. March 8th to be exact. I found everything. According to his activity he had started to watch it January 3rd but according to him, he started in December. I was so heartbroken. He had given me every excuse in the book. I kept wondering what went wrong in December. He couldn't even last a year. He said he didn't know what triggered it. He gave me the excuse that he was 100% sober and maybe that was it, he told me he was addicted, he told me he was just doing what guys do. Way to make my outlook on men even worse. He said it had nothing to do with me and that he didn't feel a different way about me when he would watch it. I still find that so hard to believe. I saw the women he was watching. Skinny, beautiful, had everything right. I'm a big girl and I don't have everything right. I have insecurities. My confidence is nonexistent now. He has slowly took it away. Not just from this but he has commented on the attractiveness of another woman and that hurt.

I'm just hurt. He stopped watching in February after the thing that happened then. I can see his activity anytime I want. I put restrictions on his phone like I read about. I've done everything. He's doing everything he can to gain my trust back and make me feel loved. It's just really hard to accept his compliments and it's been really hard to trust him. I look at his activity every time I'm on my laptop. I've slowly been getting better. I'm not as insane about it as I was. It still feels so fresh though. I still cry thinking about it. I'm tearing up now just talking about it. I've been validated so many times. I know how I'm feeling is valid. I'm hurt, my confidence is gone, my love got taken for granted(his words), I'm mourning the relationship I thought I was living in December through February, I'm mourning the boyfriend I thought I had. I was lied to, had things happen behind my back.

He's doing things right. At least I hope he is. I heard forgiving someone can help move things forward but I'm having such a hard time trying to forgive him. I'm not forgiving him in hopes that the hurt goes away. I know that's not going to him. I want to forgive him because of all of the effort he has made to change his ways and be the boyfriend I deserved in the beginning. Before this, he was an ok boyfriend. I love him with everything I have but he had a lot of things to work on. I'm his first girlfriend so I've let a lot of things slide but this, this could have been avoided had he respected me and not broken my trust. How has anyone gotten past something like this? Is it possible?

To make this short, my(f27) boyfriend(m29) would watch porn of people dressed as these videogame characters he found attractive. It was Eve from Stellar Blade and a couple of characters from Overwatch.

Since then, I told him he can no longer play those games. I told him he'd never play Stellar Blade again as long as we're together and Overwatch is a maybe in the future. Well I've also cut out Cyberpunk because it literally advertises porn and has nudity. He absolutely loves Cyberpunk. I didn't find anything in his history of watching Cyberpunk porn and he even made sure to point that out. It was just the concept ya know? Recently he's been saying how he wishes he could play those games (Cyberpunk and Overwatch). I told him he'd probably be closer to playing Cyberpunk than Overwatch and even then it was a maybe.

Of course our favorite streamer that we watch has started playing Cyberpunk and has started talking about it. Btw he doesn't play Cyberpunk in his stream, he just talks about it to chit chat with the viewers. I can tell my boyfriend gets a little bit upset about it since he can't play it. I feel like he resents me a little because he can't play his favorite games. He's a gamer and I've noticed he's been having a hard time playing something he wants to play and sticking with it. I just feel like he's starting to resent me. I can tell he's getting annoyed with trying to pick something out. Cyberpunk is his favorite game and Overwatch too. With Overwatch he had a squad of friends that he would play with so he was having a fun time doing that. I told him he abused what he played though by looking up women cosplaying as these characters that he found attractive and I would rather him not play it. I don't know what to think. I told him about it and he says he doesn't but it's just his actions. You see someone everyday so you can definitely notice a change with them.