u/ShenCan

So, my relationship with my mother came to a head physically yesterday. I reacted physically first and I feel like shit. But I’m done, can’t do it anymore. I sent her this letter to express everything I feel.

She responded with that text.

What would you do next?

Hey,
What happened yesterday should not have happened. I crossed the line by becoming physically aggressive towards you. I should have never run up to you and pushed you like that. Your reaction was valid and fair enough. I’m sorry I did that, and I’m sorry this has gotten out of control.
This has cemented in my mind that I never want to live with you again, and after this tenancy runs out, I will be moving. I’m too old to be interacting with you in this way.
I’ve tried counseling, I’ve tried going out, moving, new people, and I’m healing my wounds from growing up with you. Healing isn’t linear, so moments like last night happen, but never to that extent. This has solidified that we need to separate. When I left your house in 2017 and moved on my own, it was the best thing for me, and after a while, our relationship improved. It would be nice to see you occasionally, and I would like to go back to that.
Our relationship has always been difficult because we do not understand each other. I’m resentful and annoyed at you whenever we spend too much time together. Being around you makes me unhealthy and insular.
I sit and think about your story. You have been through a lot. It genuinely makes me so emotional thinking about your life. Whenever you act any way, I always think about your story, and it makes me empathise with you. I want you to see how I see your life from my POV, experiencing life with you, growing with you, and walking alongside you throughout all of it.
To me, you’ve been in survival mode since you were born. Your mum died early, then Grandma died, leaving you alone to figure out womanhood on your own. You got caught up in a teen pregnancy and got judged and ostracised by the entire family. You’ve been the black sheep, disappointment, and underdog your entire life. You managed to make it out, meet a man, move to England, and pull everyone else up despite how they treated you. You extended a hand on your come-up, and they withdrew theirs as soon as they were able to stand on their own.
I’ve seen how hurtful this has been to you. I’ve seen how this lives rent-free in your head to the point of causing you to be stuck, waiting for them to acknowledge how you’ve helped them, give you community support, and stop judging you as the girl that got pregnant early and is still struggling. This may never happen, and I see how much it makes you navigate life through your ego. This has led to choosing the wrong partners, not asking for help out of pride, and self-isolation.
The thing is, you are resilient, caring, and giving. You are such a bleeding-heart person. You will always help someone out, always overextend. Though these are great traits, I suspect it comes from a place of self-abandonment because that’s all you’ve ever known. There’s an expectation that everyone should operate this way, but that’s just not how the world works.
Raising two kids with limited resources in many areas money, community support, educational background is hard work. Seeing it now from a grown-up lens, you did your absolute best. It is not easy. I respect you for pushing through because it could have been much worse.
That being said, it hasn’t been easy. Since moving to England to come live with you, I counted us moving from place to place more than 10 times. There was so much instability, eggshells, wondering if you’d be happy or sad, trying to predict your moods. So much rage, so much judgement. You made sure there was a roof over our heads and we had food. Thank you. I want you to know I’m grateful for that, but you would also have had to do that regardless of whether I was around.
You have never been a place of emotional safety for me. Because you’ve always been so judgmental and harsh, I don’t find you to be a safe space, and that feeling has only ever grown since I was a teenager into adulthood. I was worried about bills and housing and all sorts of things when I should have been worrying about school and having a decent childhood. Now, in my adulthood, where I’m going places, meeting new people, and enjoying my life, I feel like I’m finally finding some peace.
Before moving into this place with you, I could feel how it was going to be from the Christmas where you barked at me because I had a different opinion on something and completely ruined the mood. Then we were in that small studio space trying to live together. It just exaggerated things. How you’re living now, it’s like you want me to clean up your mess, and I’m just learning to live. If I put up any boundary, then I’m being selfish, and I hate you for not holding you down.
This makes me so sad, angry, and concerned. Sometimes it feels like you’re not planning for the future and I’m the retirement plan. In a way, it’s an anchoring feeling. You’re unstable, and I can’t leave you. There’s nobody else to help. It’s like you’ve said to yourself, "It’s my turn now to support you." This is so wrong. I’m unwilling to pour from an empty cup. I don’t want to repeat the same cycle. One thing I’m glad I’m not doing is having kids because we would be suffering in the exact same way.
I hate how you project onto me. I hate how, if I don’t smile and laugh, I have a problem. I like being in my room. Actually, being in my room was my place of safety and retreat from you when we lived together. You would constantly berate me. You’d stand at my door arguing for hours. I only felt safe with my door locked. That way I wouldn’t retaliate and prolong any arguments. This unfortunately still follows me. Now, in this new house, I don’t like being around you too long. I start feeling those feelings, and I need to retreat. You don’t understand this, and I’ve never explained it… again, because you’re not an emotionally safe person for me. So you get insulted and lash out. The cycle continues.
I don’t think you know me as a person, and that’s sad. I really hate how you assume things about me as facts and then try to use them to insult me. You’ve recently gotten extremely religious and constantly use your religiosity to act like you’re above it all. You’re always talking about how I don’t believe in God and that’s why I’m like this. It’s so hard to listen to. I think Christianity is flawed. I would rather be anywhere than in a church with a bunch of people lying to themselves. What I love about church is the community it provides. I wish you would take advantage of that aspect, but you won’t because having like-minded friends would be good for you, to get you out of your own head and give you a social life. For the record, I have never once told you I don’t believe in God. I just don’t subscribe to Christianity. You’ll never catch me praying to "him" when we both witness with our own eyes life emerging from a woman.
You’re constantly judging me for being single and talking about how my character is preventing me from being in a relationship. Let me be clear. I am single. I am not lonely. I have community. I have friends that nurture my soul. The thing I want for myself that I’ve never gotten is stability, a stable home, a great income, and the ability to move around in the world untethered.
A relationship with a man is the furthest thing from my mind. I couldn’t care less if I was single for my whole life. I’m enjoying life much, much more without any attachment. If that comes along, sure, fine, but it’s whatever. For some reason, you find this concept so hard.
I find you extremely male-centred. How you look to people and to men literally dictates how you move around the world as an adult woman. I think that’s sad, and I don’t want any advice from you in this area. I’ve seen you fail at choosing yourself too many times. I used to have nightmares thinking Neil would kill you, the amount of physical abuse I witnessed. I thought you had it in the bag with Ockee, but he was emotionally abusive to you too. And we won’t even mention John. He wasted 10 years of your life. His character was bad from the start, but you walked into that with your eyes wide open and still stayed. Everything you do is from a survival-mode approach, even picking a partner, so please stop projecting your fear of being alone onto me.
I’m worried that you don’t see the seriousness of the stage you are at in life. You’re not thinking in reality and planning factually about how your life will look. in about 15 years when you’ll be retirement age and it seems you’re looking to me to figure it out for you. You get angry about me not wanting to do your business plans and constantly blaming me and everyone in the family for not going along with whatever get-rich-quick plan you come up with at the time. I’ve accepted that I will be your retirement plan, or Shauna. So I’m going to focus on being successful so I can support you from afar.
I think this is getting rambly, but ultimately, being around you. Imagine being around my mother is extremely unhealthy for me, and it makes me become the lowest version of myself. In all honesty, I don’t have the energy to keep doing this and living this way. If I search my heart and I’m honest, I don’t really want to be around you. It’s too painful.
I’m sick of being told I’m a narcissist for trying to protect myself from someone who is always hurting me, even when you think you’re joking. Everything feels like a jab. I’m sick of trying to predict and protect your feelings. I’m sick of hearing you say some of the most ignorant stuff and expecting me to laugh when I don’t want to. I don’t even like it when you hug me because it’s so uncommon and rare it feels uncomfortable. I find it so strange that you raised us in this survival-mode way, with hardly any softness, but you’re expecting us to give you something. We’re trying to develop on our own, and you act like it wasn’t that bad because we didn’t turn out crazy or wayward.
I don’t know what will happen, but I’m waiting out this tenancy to get my final citizenship, then I’m going to start to think about my options. I might move countries. England has been a hellscape. That passport will be the only reward. I’m sorry how this reads, but I’m thinking it as I type, and it may be a mumbled mess, but I’m sat here with my jaw aching from the punch you gave me. I can no longer do this with you. Our relationship will only work if we live apart.  

Her reply via WhatsApp

Yes I get it let’s put these to the test your prediction versus GOD .. only time will tell.. I STILL TRUST GOD.. your unbelief in me will not define me.. this pull down that you’re joining hands with Satan to do and say will not manifest in my life.. I don’t hate.. but I have to stop liking you.. so kool

So, my relationship with my mother came to a head physically yesterday. I reacted physically first and I feel like shit. But I’m done, can’t do it anymore. I sent her this letter to express everything I feel.

She responded with that text.

What would you do next?

Hey,
What happened yesterday should not have happened. I crossed the line by becoming physically aggressive towards you. I should have never run up to you and pushed you like that. Your reaction was valid and fair enough. I’m sorry I did that, and I’m sorry this has gotten out of control.
This has cemented in my mind that I never want to live with you again, and after this tenancy runs out, I will be moving. I’m too old to be interacting with you in this way.
I’ve tried counseling, I’ve tried going out, moving, new people, and I’m healing my wounds from growing up with you. Healing isn’t linear, so moments like last night happen, but never to that extent. This has solidified that we need to separate. When I left your house in 2017 and moved on my own, it was the best thing for me, and after a while, our relationship improved. It would be nice to see you occasionally, and I would like to go back to that.
Our relationship has always been difficult because we do not understand each other. I’m resentful and annoyed at you whenever we spend too much time together. Being around you makes me unhealthy and insular.
I sit and think about your story. You have been through a lot. It genuinely makes me so emotional thinking about your life. Whenever you act any way, I always think about your story, and it makes me empathise with you. I want you to see how I see your life from my POV, experiencing life with you, growing with you, and walking alongside you throughout all of it.
To me, you’ve been in survival mode since you were born. Your mum died early, then Grandma died, leaving you alone to figure out womanhood on your own. You got caught up in a teen pregnancy and got judged and ostracised by the entire family. You’ve been the black sheep, disappointment, and underdog your entire life. You managed to make it out, meet a man, move to England, and pull everyone else up despite how they treated you. You extended a hand on your come-up, and they withdrew theirs as soon as they were able to stand on their own.
I’ve seen how hurtful this has been to you. I’ve seen how this lives rent-free in your head to the point of causing you to be stuck, waiting for them to acknowledge how you’ve helped them, give you community support, and stop judging you as the girl that got pregnant early and is still struggling. This may never happen, and I see how much it makes you navigate life through your ego. This has led to choosing the wrong partners, not asking for help out of pride, and self-isolation.
The thing is, you are resilient, caring, and giving. You are such a bleeding-heart person. You will always help someone out, always overextend. Though these are great traits, I suspect it comes from a place of self-abandonment because that’s all you’ve ever known. There’s an expectation that everyone should operate this way, but that’s just not how the world works.
Raising two kids with limited resources in many areas money, community support, educational background is hard work. Seeing it now from a grown-up lens, you did your absolute best. It is not easy. I respect you for pushing through because it could have been much worse.
That being said, it hasn’t been easy. Since moving to England to come live with you, I counted us moving from place to place more than 10 times. There was so much instability, eggshells, wondering if you’d be happy or sad, trying to predict your moods. So much rage, so much judgement. You made sure there was a roof over our heads and we had food. Thank you. I want you to know I’m grateful for that, but you would also have had to do that regardless of whether I was around.
You have never been a place of emotional safety for me. Because you’ve always been so judgmental and harsh, I don’t find you to be a safe space, and that feeling has only ever grown since I was a teenager into adulthood. I was worried about bills and housing and all sorts of things when I should have been worrying about school and having a decent childhood. Now, in my adulthood, where I’m going places, meeting new people, and enjoying my life, I feel like I’m finally finding some peace.
Before moving into this place with you, I could feel how it was going to be from the Christmas where you barked at me because I had a different opinion on something and completely ruined the mood. Then we were in that small studio space trying to live together. It just exaggerated things. How you’re living now, it’s like you want me to clean up your mess, and I’m just learning to live. If I put up any boundary, then I’m being selfish, and I hate you for not holding you down.
This makes me so sad, angry, and concerned. Sometimes it feels like you’re not planning for the future and I’m the retirement plan. In a way, it’s an anchoring feeling. You’re unstable, and I can’t leave you. There’s nobody else to help. It’s like you’ve said to yourself, "It’s my turn now to support you." This is so wrong. I’m unwilling to pour from an empty cup. I don’t want to repeat the same cycle. One thing I’m glad I’m not doing is having kids because we would be suffering in the exact same way.
I hate how you project onto me. I hate how, if I don’t smile and laugh, I have a problem. I like being in my room. Actually, being in my room was my place of safety and retreat from you when we lived together. You would constantly berate me. You’d stand at my door arguing for hours. I only felt safe with my door locked. That way I wouldn’t retaliate and prolong any arguments. This unfortunately still follows me. Now, in this new house, I don’t like being around you too long. I start feeling those feelings, and I need to retreat. You don’t understand this, and I’ve never explained it… again, because you’re not an emotionally safe person for me. So you get insulted and lash out. The cycle continues.
I don’t think you know me as a person, and that’s sad. I really hate how you assume things about me as facts and then try to use them to insult me. You’ve recently gotten extremely religious and constantly use your religiosity to act like you’re above it all. You’re always talking about how I don’t believe in God and that’s why I’m like this. It’s so hard to listen to. I think Christianity is flawed. I would rather be anywhere than in a church with a bunch of people lying to themselves. What I love about church is the community it provides. I wish you would take advantage of that aspect, but you won’t because having like-minded friends would be good for you, to get you out of your own head and give you a social life. For the record, I have never once told you I don’t believe in God. I just don’t subscribe to Christianity. You’ll never catch me praying to "him" when we both witness with our own eyes life emerging from a woman.
You’re constantly judging me for being single and talking about how my character is preventing me from being in a relationship. Let me be clear. I am single. I am not lonely. I have community. I have friends that nurture my soul. The thing I want for myself that I’ve never gotten is stability, a stable home, a great income, and the ability to move around in the world untethered.
A relationship with a man is the furthest thing from my mind. I couldn’t care less if I was single for my whole life. I’m enjoying life much, much more without any attachment. If that comes along, sure, fine, but it’s whatever. For some reason, you find this concept so hard.
I find you extremely male-centred. How you look to people and to men literally dictates how you move around the world as an adult woman. I think that’s sad, and I don’t want any advice from you in this area. I’ve seen you fail at choosing yourself too many times. I used to have nightmares thinking Neil would kill you, the amount of physical abuse I witnessed. I thought you had it in the bag with Ockee, but he was emotionally abusive to you too. And we won’t even mention John. He wasted 10 years of your life. His character was bad from the start, but you walked into that with your eyes wide open and still stayed. Everything you do is from a survival-mode approach, even picking a partner, so please stop projecting your fear of being alone onto me.
I’m worried that you don’t see the seriousness of the stage you are at in life. You’re not thinking in reality and planning factually about how your life will look. in about 15 years when you’ll be retirement age and it seems you’re looking to me to figure it out for you. You get angry about me not wanting to do your business plans and constantly blaming me and everyone in the family for not going along with whatever get-rich-quick plan you come up with at the time. I’ve accepted that I will be your retirement plan, or Shauna. So I’m going to focus on being successful so I can support you from afar.
I think this is getting rambly, but ultimately, being around you. Imagine being around my mother is extremely unhealthy for me, and it makes me become the lowest version of myself. In all honesty, I don’t have the energy to keep doing this and living this way. If I search my heart and I’m honest, I don’t really want to be around you. It’s too painful.
I’m sick of being told I’m a narcissist for trying to protect myself from someone who is always hurting me, even when you think you’re joking. Everything feels like a jab. I’m sick of trying to predict and protect your feelings. I’m sick of hearing you say some of the most ignorant stuff and expecting me to laugh when I don’t want to. I don’t even like it when you hug me because it’s so uncommon and rare it feels uncomfortable. I find it so strange that you raised us in this survival-mode way, with hardly any softness, but you’re expecting us to give you something. We’re trying to develop on our own, and you act like it wasn’t that bad because we didn’t turn out crazy or wayward.
I don’t know what will happen, but I’m waiting out this tenancy to get my final citizenship, then I’m going to start to think about my options. I might move countries. England has been a hellscape. That passport will be the only reward. I’m sorry how this reads, but I’m thinking it as I type, and it may be a mumbled mess, but I’m sat here with my jaw aching from the punch you gave me. I can no longer do this with you. Our relationship will only work if we live apart.  

Her reply via WhatsApp

Yes I get it let’s put these to the test your prediction versus GOD .. only time will tell.. I STILL TRUST GOD.. your unbelief in me will not define me.. this pull down that you’re joining hands with Satan to do and say will not manifest in my life.. I don’t hate.. but I have to stop liking you.. so kool

So, my relationship with my mother came to a head physically yesterday. I reacted physically first and I feel like shit. But I’m done, can’t do it anymore. I sent her this letter to express everything I feel.

She responded with that text.

What would you do next?

Hey,
What happened yesterday should not have happened. I crossed the line by becoming physically aggressive towards you. I should have never run up to you and pushed you like that. Your reaction was valid and fair enough. I’m sorry I did that, and I’m sorry this has gotten out of control.
This has cemented in my mind that I never want to live with you again, and after this tenancy runs out, I will be moving. I’m too old to be interacting with you in this way.
I’ve tried counseling, I’ve tried going out, moving, new people, and I’m healing my wounds from growing up with you. Healing isn’t linear, so moments like last night happen, but never to that extent. This has solidified that we need to separate. When I left your house in 2017 and moved on my own, it was the best thing for me, and after a while, our relationship improved. It would be nice to see you occasionally, and I would like to go back to that.
Our relationship has always been difficult because we do not understand each other. I’m resentful and annoyed at you whenever we spend too much time together. Being around you makes me unhealthy and insular.
I sit and think about your story. You have been through a lot. It genuinely makes me so emotional thinking about your life. Whenever you act any way, I always think about your story, and it makes me empathise with you. I want you to see how I see your life from my POV, experiencing life with you, growing with you, and walking alongside you throughout all of it.
To me, you’ve been in survival mode since you were born. Your mum died early, then Grandma died, leaving you alone to figure out womanhood on your own. You got caught up in a teen pregnancy and got judged and ostracised by the entire family. You’ve been the black sheep, disappointment, and underdog your entire life. You managed to make it out, meet a man, move to England, and pull everyone else up despite how they treated you. You extended a hand on your come-up, and they withdrew theirs as soon as they were able to stand on their own.
I’ve seen how hurtful this has been to you. I’ve seen how this lives rent-free in your head to the point of causing you to be stuck, waiting for them to acknowledge how you’ve helped them, give you community support, and stop judging you as the girl that got pregnant early and is still struggling. This may never happen, and I see how much it makes you navigate life through your ego. This has led to choosing the wrong partners, not asking for help out of pride, and self-isolation.
The thing is, you are resilient, caring, and giving. You are such a bleeding-heart person. You will always help someone out, always overextend. Though these are great traits, I suspect it comes from a place of self-abandonment because that’s all you’ve ever known. There’s an expectation that everyone should operate this way, but that’s just not how the world works.
Raising two kids with limited resources in many areas money, community support, educational background is hard work. Seeing it now from a grown-up lens, you did your absolute best. It is not easy. I respect you for pushing through because it could have been much worse.
That being said, it hasn’t been easy. Since moving to England to come live with you, I counted us moving from place to place more than 10 times. There was so much instability, eggshells, wondering if you’d be happy or sad, trying to predict your moods. So much rage, so much judgement. You made sure there was a roof over our heads and we had food. Thank you. I want you to know I’m grateful for that, but you would also have had to do that regardless of whether I was around.
You have never been a place of emotional safety for me. Because you’ve always been so judgmental and harsh, I don’t find you to be a safe space, and that feeling has only ever grown since I was a teenager into adulthood. I was worried about bills and housing and all sorts of things when I should have been worrying about school and having a decent childhood. Now, in my adulthood, where I’m going places, meeting new people, and enjoying my life, I feel like I’m finally finding some peace.
Before moving into this place with you, I could feel how it was going to be from the Christmas where you barked at me because I had a different opinion on something and completely ruined the mood. Then we were in that small studio space trying to live together. It just exaggerated things. How you’re living now, it’s like you want me to clean up your mess, and I’m just learning to live. If I put up any boundary, then I’m being selfish, and I hate you for not holding you down.
This makes me so sad, angry, and concerned. Sometimes it feels like you’re not planning for the future and I’m the retirement plan. In a way, it’s an anchoring feeling. You’re unstable, and I can’t leave you. There’s nobody else to help. It’s like you’ve said to yourself, "It’s my turn now to support you." This is so wrong. I’m unwilling to pour from an empty cup. I don’t want to repeat the same cycle. One thing I’m glad I’m not doing is having kids because we would be suffering in the exact same way.
I hate how you project onto me. I hate how, if I don’t smile and laugh, I have a problem. I like being in my room. Actually, being in my room was my place of safety and retreat from you when we lived together. You would constantly berate me. You’d stand at my door arguing for hours. I only felt safe with my door locked. That way I wouldn’t retaliate and prolong any arguments. This unfortunately still follows me. Now, in this new house, I don’t like being around you too long. I start feeling those feelings, and I need to retreat. You don’t understand this, and I’ve never explained it… again, because you’re not an emotionally safe person for me. So you get insulted and lash out. The cycle continues.
I don’t think you know me as a person, and that’s sad. I really hate how you assume things about me as facts and then try to use them to insult me. You’ve recently gotten extremely religious and constantly use your religiosity to act like you’re above it all. You’re always talking about how I don’t believe in God and that’s why I’m like this. It’s so hard to listen to. I think Christianity is flawed. I would rather be anywhere than in a church with a bunch of people lying to themselves. What I love about church is the community it provides. I wish you would take advantage of that aspect, but you won’t because having like-minded friends would be good for you, to get you out of your own head and give you a social life. For the record, I have never once told you I don’t believe in God. I just don’t subscribe to Christianity. You’ll never catch me praying to "him" when we both witness with our own eyes life emerging from a woman.
You’re constantly judging me for being single and talking about how my character is preventing me from being in a relationship. Let me be clear. I am single. I am not lonely. I have community. I have friends that nurture my soul. The thing I want for myself that I’ve never gotten is stability, a stable home, a great income, and the ability to move around in the world untethered.
A relationship with a man is the furthest thing from my mind. I couldn’t care less if I was single for my whole life. I’m enjoying life much, much more without any attachment. If that comes along, sure, fine, but it’s whatever. For some reason, you find this concept so hard.
I find you extremely male-centred. How you look to people and to men literally dictates how you move around the world as an adult woman. I think that’s sad, and I don’t want any advice from you in this area. I’ve seen you fail at choosing yourself too many times. I used to have nightmares thinking Neil would kill you, the amount of physical abuse I witnessed. I thought you had it in the bag with Ockee, but he was emotionally abusive to you too. And we won’t even mention John. He wasted 10 years of your life. His character was bad from the start, but you walked into that with your eyes wide open and still stayed. Everything you do is from a survival-mode approach, even picking a partner, so please stop projecting your fear of being alone onto me.
I’m worried that you don’t see the seriousness of the stage you are at in life. You’re not thinking in reality and planning factually about how your life will look. in about 15 years when you’ll be retirement age and it seems you’re looking to me to figure it out for you. You get angry about me not wanting to do your business plans and constantly blaming me and everyone in the family for not going along with whatever get-rich-quick plan you come up with at the time. I’ve accepted that I will be your retirement plan, or Shauna. So I’m going to focus on being successful so I can support you from afar.
I think this is getting rambly, but ultimately, being around you. Imagine being around my mother is extremely unhealthy for me, and it makes me become the lowest version of myself. In all honesty, I don’t have the energy to keep doing this and living this way. If I search my heart and I’m honest, I don’t really want to be around you. It’s too painful.
I’m sick of being told I’m a narcissist for trying to protect myself from someone who is always hurting me, even when you think you’re joking. Everything feels like a jab. I’m sick of trying to predict and protect your feelings. I’m sick of hearing you say some of the most ignorant stuff and expecting me to laugh when I don’t want to. I don’t even like it when you hug me because it’s so uncommon and rare it feels uncomfortable. I find it so strange that you raised us in this survival-mode way, with hardly any softness, but you’re expecting us to give you something. We’re trying to develop on our own, and you act like it wasn’t that bad because we didn’t turn out crazy or wayward.
I don’t know what will happen, but I’m waiting out this tenancy to get my final citizenship, then I’m going to start to think about my options. I might move countries. England has been a hellscape. That passport will be the only reward. I’m sorry how this reads, but I’m thinking it as I type, and it may be a mumbled mess, but I’m sat here with my jaw aching from the punch you gave me. I can no longer do this with you. Our relationship will only work if we live apart.  

Her reply via WhatsApp

Yes I get it let’s put these to the test your prediction versus GOD .. only time will tell.. I STILL TRUST GOD.. your unbelief in me will not define me.. this pull down that you’re joining hands with Satan to do and say will not manifest in my life.. I don’t hate.. but I have to stop liking you.. so kool

So, my relationship with my mother came to a head physically yesterday. I reacted physically first and I feel like shit. But I’m done, can’t do it anymore. I sent her this letter to express everything I feel.

She responded with that text.

What would you do next?

Hey,
What happened yesterday should not have happened. I crossed the line by becoming physically aggressive towards you. I should have never run up to you and pushed you like that. Your reaction was valid and fair enough. I’m sorry I did that, and I’m sorry this has gotten out of control.
This has cemented in my mind that I never want to live with you again, and after this tenancy runs out, I will be moving. I’m too old to be interacting with you in this way.
I’ve tried counseling, I’ve tried going out, moving, new people, and I’m healing my wounds from growing up with you. Healing isn’t linear, so moments like last night happen, but never to that extent. This has solidified that we need to separate. When I left your house in 2017 and moved on my own, it was the best thing for me, and after a while, our relationship improved. It would be nice to see you occasionally, and I would like to go back to that.
Our relationship has always been difficult because we do not understand each other. I’m resentful and annoyed at you whenever we spend too much time together. Being around you makes me unhealthy and insular.
I sit and think about your story. You have been through a lot. It genuinely makes me so emotional thinking about your life. Whenever you act any way, I always think about your story, and it makes me empathise with you. I want you to see how I see your life from my POV, experiencing life with you, growing with you, and walking alongside you throughout all of it.
To me, you’ve been in survival mode since you were born. Your mum died early, then Grandma died, leaving you alone to figure out womanhood on your own. You got caught up in a teen pregnancy and got judged and ostracised by the entire family. You’ve been the black sheep, disappointment, and underdog your entire life. You managed to make it out, meet a man, move to England, and pull everyone else up despite how they treated you. You extended a hand on your come-up, and they withdrew theirs as soon as they were able to stand on their own.
I’ve seen how hurtful this has been to you. I’ve seen how this lives rent-free in your head to the point of causing you to be stuck, waiting for them to acknowledge how you’ve helped them, give you community support, and stop judging you as the girl that got pregnant early and is still struggling. This may never happen, and I see how much it makes you navigate life through your ego. This has led to choosing the wrong partners, not asking for help out of pride, and self-isolation.
The thing is, you are resilient, caring, and giving. You are such a bleeding-heart person. You will always help someone out, always overextend. Though these are great traits, I suspect it comes from a place of self-abandonment because that’s all you’ve ever known. There’s an expectation that everyone should operate this way, but that’s just not how the world works.
Raising two kids with limited resources in many areas money, community support, educational background is hard work. Seeing it now from a grown-up lens, you did your absolute best. It is not easy. I respect you for pushing through because it could have been much worse.
That being said, it hasn’t been easy. Since moving to England to come live with you, I counted us moving from place to place more than 10 times. There was so much instability, eggshells, wondering if you’d be happy or sad, trying to predict your moods. So much rage, so much judgement. You made sure there was a roof over our heads and we had food. Thank you. I want you to know I’m grateful for that, but you would also have had to do that regardless of whether I was around.
You have never been a place of emotional safety for me. Because you’ve always been so judgmental and harsh, I don’t find you to be a safe space, and that feeling has only ever grown since I was a teenager into adulthood. I was worried about bills and housing and all sorts of things when I should have been worrying about school and having a decent childhood. Now, in my adulthood, where I’m going places, meeting new people, and enjoying my life, I feel like I’m finally finding some peace.
Before moving into this place with you, I could feel how it was going to be from the Christmas where you barked at me because I had a different opinion on something and completely ruined the mood. Then we were in that small studio space trying to live together. It just exaggerated things. How you’re living now, it’s like you want me to clean up your mess, and I’m just learning to live. If I put up any boundary, then I’m being selfish, and I hate you for not holding you down.
This makes me so sad, angry, and concerned. Sometimes it feels like you’re not planning for the future and I’m the retirement plan. In a way, it’s an anchoring feeling. You’re unstable, and I can’t leave you. There’s nobody else to help. It’s like you’ve said to yourself, "It’s my turn now to support you." This is so wrong. I’m unwilling to pour from an empty cup. I don’t want to repeat the same cycle. One thing I’m glad I’m not doing is having kids because we would be suffering in the exact same way.
I hate how you project onto me. I hate how, if I don’t smile and laugh, I have a problem. I like being in my room. Actually, being in my room was my place of safety and retreat from you when we lived together. You would constantly berate me. You’d stand at my door arguing for hours. I only felt safe with my door locked. That way I wouldn’t retaliate and prolong any arguments. This unfortunately still follows me. Now, in this new house, I don’t like being around you too long. I start feeling those feelings, and I need to retreat. You don’t understand this, and I’ve never explained it… again, because you’re not an emotionally safe person for me. So you get insulted and lash out. The cycle continues.
I don’t think you know me as a person, and that’s sad. I really hate how you assume things about me as facts and then try to use them to insult me. You’ve recently gotten extremely religious and constantly use your religiosity to act like you’re above it all. You’re always talking about how I don’t believe in God and that’s why I’m like this. It’s so hard to listen to. I think Christianity is flawed. I would rather be anywhere than in a church with a bunch of people lying to themselves. What I love about church is the community it provides. I wish you would take advantage of that aspect, but you won’t because having like-minded friends would be good for you, to get you out of your own head and give you a social life. For the record, I have never once told you I don’t believe in God. I just don’t subscribe to Christianity. You’ll never catch me praying to "him" when we both witness with our own eyes life emerging from a woman.
You’re constantly judging me for being single and talking about how my character is preventing me from being in a relationship. Let me be clear. I am single. I am not lonely. I have community. I have friends that nurture my soul. The thing I want for myself that I’ve never gotten is stability, a stable home, a great income, and the ability to move around in the world untethered.
A relationship with a man is the furthest thing from my mind. I couldn’t care less if I was single for my whole life. I’m enjoying life much, much more without any attachment. If that comes along, sure, fine, but it’s whatever. For some reason, you find this concept so hard.
I find you extremely male-centred. How you look to people and to men literally dictates how you move around the world as an adult woman. I think that’s sad, and I don’t want any advice from you in this area. I’ve seen you fail at choosing yourself too many times. I used to have nightmares thinking Neil would kill you, the amount of physical abuse I witnessed. I thought you had it in the bag with Ockee, but he was emotionally abusive to you too. And we won’t even mention John. He wasted 10 years of your life. His character was bad from the start, but you walked into that with your eyes wide open and still stayed. Everything you do is from a survival-mode approach, even picking a partner, so please stop projecting your fear of being alone onto me.
I’m worried that you don’t see the seriousness of the stage you are at in life. You’re not thinking in reality and planning factually about how your life will look. in about 15 years when you’ll be retirement age and it seems you’re looking to me to figure it out for you. You get angry about me not wanting to do your business plans and constantly blaming me and everyone in the family for not going along with whatever get-rich-quick plan you come up with at the time. I’ve accepted that I will be your retirement plan, or Shauna. So I’m going to focus on being successful so I can support you from afar.
I think this is getting rambly, but ultimately, being around you. Imagine being around my mother is extremely unhealthy for me, and it makes me become the lowest version of myself. In all honesty, I don’t have the energy to keep doing this and living this way. If I search my heart and I’m honest, I don’t really want to be around you. It’s too painful.
I’m sick of being told I’m a narcissist for trying to protect myself from someone who is always hurting me, even when you think you’re joking. Everything feels like a jab. I’m sick of trying to predict and protect your feelings. I’m sick of hearing you say some of the most ignorant stuff and expecting me to laugh when I don’t want to. I don’t even like it when you hug me because it’s so uncommon and rare it feels uncomfortable. I find it so strange that you raised us in this survival-mode way, with hardly any softness, but you’re expecting us to give you something. We’re trying to develop on our own, and you act like it wasn’t that bad because we didn’t turn out crazy or wayward.
I don’t know what will happen, but I’m waiting out this tenancy to get my final citizenship, then I’m going to start to think about my options. I might move countries. England has been a hellscape. That passport will be the only reward. I’m sorry how this reads, but I’m thinking it as I type, and it may be a mumbled mess, but I’m sat here with my jaw aching from the punch you gave me. I can no longer do this with you. Our relationship will only work if we live apart.  

Her reply via WhatsApp

Yes I get it let’s put these to the test your prediction versus GOD .. only time will tell.. I STILL TRUST GOD.. your unbelief in me will not define me.. this pull down that you’re joining hands with Satan to do and say will not manifest in my life.. I don’t hate.. but I have to stop liking you.. so kool