u/ShockIllustrious3389

I 45/F am apart of a toxic family dynamic with decades of dysfunction within the family system. My mum is currently dying of cancer.

For quick context - i was in court with my mother 5 years ago and we were all estranged as a result. This is decades of trauma back story. My brother sided with my mother and to this day punishes me harshly with aggressive and scary behaviour. he refuses to budge and his hatred of me is extreme. The tension is to thick you could cut the air with a knife along with the unresolved issues and refusal to discuss the pink elephant. I am the forever scapegoat and I can't exhaust myself anymore begging for acknowledgement

The deep shame and pain i feel is intense despite being the one who was harmed and including the pain of what happened never being resolved or acknowledged that i've continued to try and let go. But now she is dying its all come up again. Every toxic family dynamic that has been in formation over my life is at a peak. and here i am coping with alcohol again. i was 7 years sober , then 2, then another. i since court i haven't been able to let go of alcohol "for good" since. it's always been by my side as an option and the door is open for those days when i can't cope. it's dangerous and my wise mind knows it leads no where good. i eventually reach the cycle of daily drinking and the addiction can form again quickly. I fear i'm at the point after the week i have had. But also can't cope with the emotional pain in become flooded with despite so much effort learning how to regulate. I guess i wanted somewhere to share this. I don't want people to say go to AA. That modality once worked for me but now i find after therapy and parts work etc it is focused so much on the behaviour rather than what's driving it underneath. But i do want this behaviour to stop. I'm not sure where to turn and reach to. i have friends in AA and if ever bring it up with them im slapped with the good old AA language and it feels invalidating. Has anyone in ACOA after long term sobriety been in this situation ? and what has helped you to address the addiction again? Just sharing this is helping. I honestly not sure i'm ready or even want to completely give it up right now which has been the case for the past five years. But i'm also very aware of what can happen. I guess i'm at a crossroads. Not wanting the pattern to begin again, and not knowing what to do with this enormous baggage of pain.

Complicated grief is difficult. losing a mother who both harmed and loved me is not easy. The love and harm caused is hard to hold despite both existing. I know both can be true at once and i try to work on this. I have a deep love for her and yearning for her live and at the same time she harmed me and hurt me deeply. I don't know how to hold all this in her final time. I'm already rehearsing in my mind how the funeral will unfold and how things will be after. I've imagined my brother abusing me again and my father refusing to see him as anything other than his golden boy.

I should stop writing. I'm not sure if this post is about my concern for drinking or my need to be held right now and that unmet need.

if you read this. thanks

i'm in melbourne australia. i am employed on a "casual" rate for a company in melbourne for disability support. I work 18 hrs a week spread over three days.

i was told when i worked on the public holiday and one saturday that my pay rate remained the same basic rate. is this correct? as i was told by other people who work the same job for other employees that they were paid a higher rate.

How can i find this out ?

I had the random thought today that it would make sense to not get undressed first because i did that today and had no hot water!

What are people thinking?

Hey Guys,

I have long standing mental health issues that in the past 5 years haven't been helped with medications. I have GAD and CPTSD. My symptoms are: general feeling of doom, intense reactions when triggered and i get stuck in them. Either intense sadness and despair or high alert and distress.

I overthink / loop/ ruminate almost in an obsessive addictive way.

Currently taking zoloft and a drug called latuda (antipsychotic) but that does nothing.

Wondered if anyone has had any luck with lamotrigine for similar symptoms to mine?

Keen to hear

I'll try keep the timeline and backstory brief so to not bite the hell out of you guys.

• grew up with emotionally absent parents despite them providing all my physical needs
• grandmother moved in to look after us
• at 11 came home to note that she had gone and never saw her again till her funeral in my late 20's
• sent to boarding schooling where i discovered drugs, alcohol and anorexia. all ways for me to fit in and i guess chase the love i was craving
• father had nervous breakdown and mother completely closed off from the stress. so there was no one there to really see me or guide me.
• fsmily went broke and i got expelled from school so started working you
• developed hard core panic disorder at 17 and couldn't drive, be alone or go out.
• found alcohol and it worked to soothe
• fast forward to 30 yrs and i had a drug overdose was sent to rehab for 12 months where i was introduced to 12 steps NA and AA
• remained abstinent for 7 years and fully believe d in the " program. "
• But i started to not improve or progress in life. i was "stuck". i realised i had major unresolved issues that kept me anxious and depressed and empty often needing constant therapy.
• i was told i had CPTSD.
• for past 7 years (14 years later) that same family cut me off and estranged me. I got involved in domestic violent relationship with someone involved in crime soon after and felt like i was living in survival.
• drinking has been on and off last seven years since as a way to cope and i've done a tonne of therapy.

there have been periods of stabilisation but not for long.

ok that's it in a nutshell. I have some mates who still do the AA/NA thing and commit to it like religion. Recently i have been struggling intensely with dread, sadness and emotional intensity again. one of them told me it's because i don't have god in my life or spirituality. Where as my therapist says i have unresolved trauma. When i mention this to AA people they say "it's not trauma / everyone has trauma, this is your untreated alcoholism". I'm sorry but how is this alcoholism!!!!! "this is your spiritual malady" "this is your self obsession" , "you are trapped in the past" (no shit sherlock most people with cptsd are) etc etc etc.

I do SOOOOO much to help myself. it's "my program". regular exercise, regular therapy, eat well, sleep well etc etc.

my question is / since leaving aa and na my social circle has shrunk majorly. this impacts me as we all need people and connection. but to be friends with them it's almost like i have to present be someone's not and that's not being true to me.

any ideas? it's clear i haven't found my new tribe but i just wondered if anyone else had experienced this after years of 12 steps to discover there is actually more to the issue, not bloody "alcoholism".

sorry for long post. i needed to get off my chest