u/SillylilFieldMouse

Count your blessings. You have no idea how lucky you are. I see countless posts on here from people who have everything ive ever wanted in life and would sell my soul for but will never have. Please be grateful, pause and count your blessings and practice compassion and gratitude

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Im sorry this is probably the wrong place to post this and its going to be a long one but I just wanted some advice. Im feeling like im at a dead end with therapy after years and countless different therapists.

Maybe one you has advice based from experience?

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Picture is of one the few foods I can still eat with my health problems now, im only 31 years old and ive been told id be lucky to live past another 5 years. I have cirrhosis of the liver and many related stomach and organ problems from tobacco drugs and alcohol.

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To explain how this all happened ill start at the beginning. I am an only child of divorced parents that moved a lot. Growing up I went to over 10 schools in 10 years.

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This began the theme of me never having a normal life with any friends or other formulative experiences crucial to healthy development, and ive tried everything, ive done my best.

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This is where we run into the other problem. I am short. I am chubby, not fat, but because of my height I look stocky whether its fat or not. Even when I got down to 110 ppunds and had twigs for limbs and you could see my skeleton I still had a big fat pot belly that ive had for as long as i can remember. I have a pig face baby face with wide fish eyes and a bulbous alien forehead like makes me look like a Frankenstein bart Simpson. I also have a high pitched nasaly voice that always makes it sound like im just whining or crying like the stupid child I look like no matter what im saying.

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All of this resulted in my entire youth being countless experiences of bullying and being made fun of and never taken seriously at all about anything just because of how I look and sound.

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Now when I say ive tried everything I really mean it. I didnt get bitter or angry and lash out I kept trying and trying and trying.

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I worked on myself. I tried to make sure I was intelligent well informed well read. I tried to make sure I was the best person I could be I always tried to be compassionate and help others and live by the golden rule of treating others how you wish to be treated. Thankfully I did have a fantastic grandmother growing up that helped me learn everything I know about empathy and being a good person. (She has since passed away after trying to kill me with a shotgun after she got severe dementia)

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So growing up in person i was essentially laughed off and shunned at every single social experience I can remember. The only comfort I found was in reading and music and television and video games. Now the last one is important because it allowed me to have friends for the first time in my life.

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My very first friends were people I met online gaming because they couldn't see me.

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All of sudden I learned that I actually was likeable, people thought I was funny and smart and a good friend to have around thats helpful and caring. I hate to toot my own horn AT ALL but I have to give stastitics.

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I live by stastitics, I try to be as grounded in reality as I can, I dont make excuses or theories I have evidence and examples to everything I say.

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This trend continues, im myself no matter what and always try to be the nicest person I can living by the golden rule especially because I know how bad it can feel and how important it is just show empathy and compassion but if its in person where I can be seen im ignored and mocked. If my personality is presented through anonymity I am beloved and accepted and valued.

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Now this all leads to my health problems because of the nasty consequences of my physical curse in this modern society once you hit puberty.

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Im going to get something out of the way right off the bat. SEX has never been a goal of mine. I could care less about sex if it was about something so crude and physical I could pay for it.

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The only thing I have ever wanted is a normal relationship experience where somebody actually cares about you and has feelings for you and wants to spend time with you.

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I know a lot of people will go down the road of philosophy of if you cant love yourself or be happy alone how can you expect anyone else to be? Well I do love myself and I have never been suicidal and I love technology and science and would love to see the future!

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And doing things alone is great thats how ive learned everything ive learned from fun facts about space to being a movie nerd and history buff to whatever other countless bs ive learned from spending most of my time reading. The problem is I simply dont get enjoyment out of doing things alone.

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I find value in being able to share experiences with someone and make memories together that we can look back on and talk about. If I do everything i enjoy doing alone its kinda like if a tree falls in the woods does it make a sound?

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Now to explain how it plays out. Because of how I look and sound obviously not a single girl has ever shown interest in me in person. Growing up this led to severe severe depression that will never go away.

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Therapy and medicine helps but nothing short of a lobotomy would erase my memories or change my reality or my past and certain thoughts will just always be depressing.

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This started substance abuse with Marijuana just so I could do something besides cry non stop after school till I went back to school. Coincidencetally I also made my first ever in person friends through good old weed because now the pattern starts of people being able to tolerate me in person only if they can use me for something. A friend with weed is a friend indeed. I never sold or anything Ive just always been generous with everything I have. If youre cold id give you the shirt off my back if I only had 1 piece of bread to eat till tomorrow id break it in half with you if you needed it.

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These social experiences introduced me to alcohol and how it was basically a cure.

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When I was 15 years old I become a functioning alcoholic.

Any problem I had could literally be solved with alcohol with no negative effects whatsoever (except the physical toll)

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I was never once arrested or got into any fights or did anything irresponsible under the influence, I was not an angry drunk I became more like myself and who I could be without inhibition and shyness and fear of the staststics of how every situation has always played out against me.

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Now when I mention it as a social aid I dont mean I needed it break out of my shell or talk to people, it certainly helped but that was never a problem for me. What it did help with was the not caring at all about constant pain and rejection and teasing and bullying.

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Everyday I would go to school and see all these beautiful drop dead gorgeous girls and their attractive boyfriends kissing and being all lovey dovey. Everyday in every facet of life I am bombarded by sexualization in the media and in entertainment. I see endless examples of happy couples going out to eat going to the beach going camping going to the carnival watching movies together just enjoying life together.

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Not for me. Never for me. So I drink.

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This is compounded by the fact that the family business is in the food industry and the service industry. So nearly my entire work experience is being around people and alcohol. I bust my ass 15 hours a day serving happy couples just so I can afford the bottle that will let me sleep after such constant daily reminders of the only thing I want but will never have.

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Why didnt I go into different work? Well I did but I love helping people more than anything. I got out of the kitchen and started doing charity and working with other disadvantaged people like I was. The one thing I love more than anything else is being able to improve someone's life even if its just making them smile after not smiling for who knows how long, or showing them that there actually is people out there who will give a shit without expecting anything in return.

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So ive found work I enjoy but I still have to go out in public, and what do I see everytime I leave the house? Extremely attractive women and happy couples and nowadays healthy people that I envy so much I would sell my soul to switch lives with.

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Im sorry for this post if you read any of it. I just feel trapped in limbo. Ive tried everything. Really.... everything. Comment and ill give my experience with whatever method. Ill give one more piece of information that may help your final advice.

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I mentioned how I only got respect online, well with woman I have a huge catalog of empirical evidence and stastitics.

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I have had literally hundreds of examples online where I can chat with women and hit it off like crazy. Now im not saying im mr suave smooth talking ladysman or anything ive just talked thousands and thousands of women over the last 20 years. So by sheer numbers, and again stastitics, im bound to find someone compatible right? Yep! Has happened hundreds of times.

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Just insane chemistry, all the same interests and passions and favorite tastes styles etc. Like youd swear we're fucking soul mates, they've even said that many many times, that theyve only dreamed of meeting a guy like me.

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But wtf happens every single I show my face? It doesnt matter how long weve been talking how close weve gotten how personal of information weve shared NOTHING they EVAPORATE when they see my face. You think you've been ghosted? Every woman to ever see my face has been literally Thanos snapped right in front of me.

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Ok ok ok ok say what you want about online experiences how about at costume parties or during covid? My height and weight and even voice can not be an issue as long as my face is hidden because once again ive had hundreds of examples of just insane chemistry with woman in real life literally up until the SECOND they see my face.

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And ive even started opening up and being honest about this because im tired of wasting my time and hot irons constantly burning into my soul. Ive told many women about what happens when women see my face and they promise they'll be different BUT EVEN AFTER ME TELLING THEM HOW EVERY EXPERIENCE IVE HAD ENDS IN GHOSHTING AND THEM PROMISING THEY WONT THEY GO AHEAD AND DO IT ANYWAY LIKE IM A ROBOT WITHOUT FEELINGS

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Im sorry guys but I give up. Im just going to sleep and watch TV till till my health problems kill me, its about all that I have strength for these days anyway.

I did manage to finally quit drinking over a year ago after months and months of multiple rehabs and every medication under the sun. Only sprovato ended up helping. But as with the theme of sick irony of the rest of my life this medicine has only made me want to see the future more and want to do better more.

Now I wont get a chance to with my health

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