u/SirSolomon727

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Setting: a late-Renaissance-inspired world (as far as technology is concerned).

Context hat: Emron (courtesy title Prince Emron) is the son of a fallen rebel king, a hostage in all but name, living under the roof of one of his late father's enemies, bound to said lord by betrothal to his daughter, having lived there incognito for some time beforehand and built relationships. Ever since his identity was revealed, Emron has been receiving a steady stream of visitors, whose attitudes are as varied as they are unpredictable. Today's visitor changes everything.

One thing to note: the aunt is his only direct blood relative; any characters Emron calls 'brother' or 'Mama' are purely surrogate kin.

The chapter explores themes of identity fracture, loss of agency, moral obligation, inherited guilt, and disillusionment.

Disclaimer: Not a chapter 1. Taken from deep in the middle of the story. Expect frequent name drops and cross-references that don't stop to explain themselves. I'm strictly looking for feedback on prose, dialogue, and hook in a vacuum. If you can provide that, I'd be grateful. Otherwise, feel free to scroll by.

*I'm an ESL writer, and none of this is AI-assisted or translated.

Here's an excerpt from a chapter I'm working on for my literary low fantasy novel. An easily digestible snippet of in-world lore delivered by an irreverent knight while killing time on a boar hunt.

During the past couple of months, I had posted both the opening and a non-sequitur excerpt from the chapter at hand to this subreddit, so feel free to check those out if this piques your interest.

Usual disclaimer: not a chapter 1, taken deep from the middle of the story, expect frequent name drops, and feel free to scroll by if you feel overwhelmed by them.

*I'm an ESL writer, and none of this is AI-assisted or translated.

AGOT, ACOK, ASOS, AFFC, and ADWD

Here is a chapter opening showing the aftermath of a reunion between two childhood foster brothers (Thirandeer and Orn) after being estranged for more than three years, closer to four, during which their lives took drastically different turns, culminating with the elder brother's near-death experience. The scene takes place against the backdrop of two children playing (Orn's little cousin and Thirandeer's ward/surrogate little brother) while the shadow of the past hangs over the adults.

Not a chapter 1, BTW.

Google docs

The aftermath of a reunion between two childhood foster brothers (Thirandeer and Orn) after a years-long estrangement and the elder brother's near-death experience while the shadow of the past hangs over them. Not a chapter 1.

Google docs

About a month ago, I had posted the opening one of my chapters to rather polarizing reception. Here is a non-sequitur excerpt from the middle of the same chapter (a chapter which I'm still working on, as I'm just that much of an underwriter).

Just in case you got tripped up by the number of named characters, Orlon is the POV character here. The excerpt opens with one of his cousins, having set off alone after a boar earlier, riding back to camp with a mysterious boy who later happens to recognize Orlon by name.

I'd appreciate your feedback on the prose and especially the dialog.

*I'm an ESL writer, and none of this is AI-assisted or translated.

About a month ago, I had posted the opening to one of my chapters to rather polarizing reception. Here is a non-sequitur excerpt from the middle of the same chapter (a chapter which I'm still working on, as I'm just that much of an underwriter).

Just in case you got tripped up by the number of named characters, Orlon is the POV character here. The excerpt opens with one of his cousins, having set off alone after a boar earlier, riding back to camp with a mysterious boy who later happens to recognize Orlon by name.

I'd appreciate your feedback on the prose and especially the dialog.

*I'm an ESL writer, and none of this is AI-assisted or translated.

Disclaimer: this is not a chapter 1. It falls somewhere in the 50-60 range, so I apologize for the frequent name drops.

Google docs

This excerpt is taken from the middle of one of my chapters. It's a flashback sequence where a fallen prince vividly relives the death of his friend before pivoting back into his present guilt and his feelings of being abandoned by his only guardian, whom he only refers to as "Varlan's son" because he doesn't know his true name. I'd appreciate any and all feedback. And yes, I'm an ESL writer. No, this is not AI assisted or translated.

A little side note just so you don't mistake the quotes for internal monologue, Emron has taken to self-talking because no one speaks to him.

Good morning, sunshine! (Milks the same chapter for excerpts for the umpteenth time. It's just that long).

This tense moment takes place in the aftermath of a fight to the death (of which I only included the ending in order to keep the psychological fallout at the forefront).

Sometime before the events of this chapter, the POV character (Thirandeer) had unexpectedly found himself stuck with the son of none other than the son of the man (Elion) who had butchered his father before his eyes years ago. Though he yearns for vengeance, Thirandeer has reminded himself time and time again that the boy is blameless of his father's actions... Until the moment he slays an intruder to defend the boy, after which his judgment is clouded by rage. I end the excerpt on a deliberate cliffhanger.

The beginning of this excerpt is not the beginning of a chapter, and the same goes for the ending, so my sincere apologies if it leaves you a bit directionless.

The setting is a monastery during a snowstorm.

Please tell me what you think of the prose and whether it has the desired effect.

TW: (implied) violence against children.

So, I'm writing a story of politics and war, but this is (an excerpt of) one of the more lighthearted, more low-stakes chapters I've written. I've posted excerpts from said chapter a few times before, though I was never able to cover the whole thing due to its gargantuan word count lol.

Ron is the dispossessed son of a dead rebel king keeping his identity a secret. The chapter follows him as he adjusts to his new life under the roof of a powerful prince. This excerpt specifically focuses on his budding bond with the prince's daughter, his failed attempt at an apology after an earlier quarrel (which I have not included for the sake of brevity), and their eventual reconciliation.

I'm looking for feedback on the dialog, prose, and character interiority, though any kind of feedback is appreciated.

So, I'm writing a story of politics and war, but this is (an excerpt of) one of the more lighthearted, more low-stakes chapters I've written. I've posted excerpts from said chapter a few times before, though I was never able to cover the whole thing due to its gargantuan word count lol.

Ron is the dispossessed son of a dead rebel king keeping his identity a secret. The chapter follows him as he adjusts to his new life under the roof of a powerful prince. This excerpt specifically focuses on his budding bond with the prince's daughter, his failed attempt at an apology after an earlier quarrel (which I have not included for the sake of brevity), and their eventual reconciliation.

I'm looking for feedback on the dialog, prose, and character interiority, though any kind of feedback is appreciated.

Google Docs