u/Sobharderr

Im not sure exactly how to word this but anyways im a 20 year old trans man, i have been very masculine my whole life even in childhood a major reason for it was me wanting to avoid people calling me a girl/once i came out avoid people telling me im faking being trans or whatever. But like i really
Ike being feminine sometimes and i like some feminine stuff, i want to wear crop tops and makeup sometimes but im a bit anxious of how people are going to react and also i never learned how to do makeup because i came out at 14 so like i feel like it will just look bad if i try. I eventually want to start doing drag and stuff too once im more confident. I would just love to hear from other trans men who present feminine and like any advice for dealing with people who judge you also im super open on tips on how to start presenting somewhat feminine/how to do makeup well and also just like a bit of encouragement if people dont mind (i hope this all makes sense im very bad at wording stuff lol) (this is copy pasted from another subreddit because someone suggested i should post here as well) i think i want to start small like with just doing little makeup things before trying new clothes and stuff but i would just love to hear other people experiences and any tips or advice. thank you for taking the time to read my post!

Im trans ftm and waiting to get back on testosterone and my doctor is making me get Nexplanon Im just waiting for the date to be scheduled for it to be put in my arm but it should be next week or the week after, but im extremely anxious because i have a really big fear of needles it has gotten more manageable as i have gotten older like i can handle getting blood drawn and stuff but i have the nexplanon with me and i opened the box to read the side effects and see the needle and its huge. I know i will be given numbing but i have really bad anxiety in general and have panic attacks a lot so im worried im going to end up freaking out the second they pull out the thing to put it in my arm. I just need tips from anyone who has gotten the implant before who deals with anxiety on how they dealt with getting the implant. I keep freaking out just thinking about it even. I am also really worried about the possible effect of heavy bleeding so i just kind of want to know how common it actually is

Thank you for reading and i appreciate any advice anyone can give

I was at the er the other night because my mental health issues have been getting really bad again and i was having a crisis, and after talking to the lady in the mental health crisis unit (i don’t remember her exact job) she said she was concerned about how much weed i am smoking and alcohol im drinking and sent me home with resources to get back on meds and to get help with addiction. But i have tried so many medications at multiple doses and combinations of medications and none of them have helped i have been medicated for various things since i was 7 and a lot of the meds made me feel worse than not on meds even after months of being on them. I started taking edibles at 15 to help with my anxiety and because i found weed makes me feel like a “normal person” because my adhd has always made me have difficulties with social stuff and a bunch of stuff and weed helped at least at first eventually the edibles weren’t enough and i moved on to actually smoking weed at 16 at first it was only on weekends, then it turned into every night before bed, then it just kept getting worse and worse now i smoke at least a gram daily usually 2 though and on bad days i can get to the point im smoking at least every 20 minutes, i have built up such a tolerance i don’t even feel it anymore unless i smoke like 8 or more tokes in a row and even then its just a buzz and whenever i don’t smoke i start feeling really bad and being unable to eat much if anything at all. I started drinking at 16 also but it was very rare, it got much more frequent once i turned 18 i had just gotten out of a traumatic situation and it made it that much easier to fall into bad drinking habits it started with just once a month i would get my step dad to go get a 12 pack of mixed drinks for me and i would drink those over a week long period, then when i started dating my ex who was legal drinking age she started buying alcohol for me and i would drink at least once a week it started small but by the time we broke up a few months later and i turned 19 (legal drinking age where i live) i was consuming 6+ big shots of vodka at least weekly usually a few times a week. There have been multiple times i drink till i pass out and then have no memory of the what happened before once i wake up. For me the drinking is a binge drinking issue because i am fine to go without alcohol for a while but once i start i struggle to stop and sometimes i don’t stop till im out and or have no money left, i have also sold stuff to get weed and alcohol multiple times and then end up regretting it, i turn 20 next month and im the worst i have ever been. But the thing is i don’t know how im supposed to stop when substances are the only things that make me actually feel ok even for a little bit like i know i have a problem but i have DID, CPTSD and Bpd and no medications i have tried have helped any of them especially when i start remembering my trauma getting high and drunk helps it not hurt so bad. Also there is no cure for DID or CPTSD and to get to a manageable point of BPD takes years of work it feels impossible and honestly not worth it even really like if i could just push a button and be better and not an addict i would do that but i don’t want to try to get better because theres a huge chance i wont then im just putting myself through more pain and my fear of being like this forever will be confirmed i have tried so many options that i am terrified to try whatever is left because if that fails there is nothing left and i get my thinking probably isnt logical but for me its easier to live with it just being a fear and not trying than trying and possibly confirming i really am broken and unfixable.(Sorry for the long paragraph i just needed to write my feelings somewhere i might look into the addiction resources and other resources i was given but also idk especially cause weed kinda feels like a dumb thing to be addicted to and like ya i somewhat have a drinking problem but its not that bad to cause really bad affects on my life so like i kind of dont see the need idk)