u/Specialist_Power_397

So I’m a single lesbian and am active on the apps, so I’ve seen it all between the unicorn hunters and people within the actual queer community. I went out to a queer club recently and met a woman there who I hit it off with.

I found out she was actually married to a man so quickly friend zoned her despite her assurances that their relationship was open. I was fine with being her friend as we really did share a lot of interests. I was telling her about some of my dating troubles when she decided to completely take over the conversation to lament about how people are always hating on bisexuals and poly people when all she wants more than anything is to love and have a girlfriend while still being with her husband.

She kept telling me how her luck has been horrible, how she still hasn’t found a girl who wants to be with her seriously, and how she thinks everyone just views her as only wanting women for sex. I was getting pretty annoyed by her entitlement and basically said to her “why would someone want to put their life on hold to date someone who is never going to be able to give them a real relationship.”

I mean seriously? She wouldn’t be able to marry, she wouldn’t be able to live with them, she wouldn’t be able to dedicate as much time or attention or affection, she wouldn’t be able to meet their family without extreme judgement. It’s just being a side piece for the rest of your life. How many people are actually on board with that? Why choose to date her when they can date someone who can actually provide those things?

It seems like these people are looking for a little accessory in their life they can pick up and put down whenever they feel like while having no regards for the person’s well-being or feelings. You are not owed an extra relationship just because you would be able to love x, y, z, with your whole chest.

And I found her hiding behind her bisexuality to also be in poor taste. Being bisexual doesn’t mean needing polyamory, it doesn’t mean when people are judging someone for being polyamorous that they’re judging them for being bisexual.

Maybe this is mostly an online or social media thing, but I recently made friends with a woman who is 28 and a newly out lesbian (met on a dating app but decided we’d be better as friends). She told me a bit about her journey and how she had originally identified as bisexual but did a lot of reflection and realized she was actually lesbian.

She said though that when she came out again, she received all these lukewarm reactions like “are you sure?” or people implying she had been hurt by men. If it wasn’t lukewarm it was more so dismissive like people saying she was in her “lesbian era”, or some people saying “oh yeah I was with a woman for a little bit myself”, or implying it was just a weird phase and she’d be back to men soon.

I’ve noticed also that when women who are straight come out as bisexual, it’s often treated with a lens of suspicion or just them doing it to cater to men. I’m not really here to talk about if anyone is really the sexuality they claim to be, more so the reactions.

What I’ve noticed is that when someone who says they were a lesbian comes out as bisexual, she is extremely celebrated and cheered on. They will say her new man must be very special and amazing. Talk about sexual fluidity. Say they know several people who this happened to and are now happily married to men. The whole nine yards. They’ll even warn her about how the evil lesbians might not be as accepting of her anymore.

I know the reason for this is just society in general being homophobic, but it’s wild to see how these types of reactions still persist even within the LGBT community itself. It’s as though they can’t contain themselves at how happy they are for women choosing men.

I’m a 28F and a lesbian. I just got out of a six year relationship six months ago. By the end it was already dead and we were both ready to move on so I thought I was ready to date. I took about 2 months to be single and then started on the apps and going to bars and other activities.

Since then I’ve had 7 hookups and maybe 15 or so first dates. Most of these girls seemed really sweet, most were decently attractive, and I couldn’t find anything glaringly wrong with a majority buuuuut I always find myself not feeling it?

I feel horrible because I end up doing a slow fade. I’m not particularly picky but I find myself ruminating on their flaws and feeling like I could do better. Sometimes these flaws aren’t even really flaws or things I’ve had trouble with in previous relationships, it’s like I’m giving myself an excuse to just not go further.

It’s not physical attraction that’s an issue since I’m able to go through with hookups and enjoy them, but I almost feel like I’m using them. My guilt gets particularly strong if they keep messaging me after and then I feel like they’re being too needy or clingy.

Idk. But all of this is making me consider taking a break until I sort things out. I don’t want to be avoidant and don’t really have a reason to be, I’m normally a pretty secure person. There is one girl I’ve gone on a few dates with and slept with who is really into me but I feel suffocated by her somewhat. I don’t remember things being this way before I got with my ex, but then again I had been single for much longer and wasn’t particularly looking.

Any advice from men or women is appreciated!