u/Spirited-Kiwi-8221

It was just a little bit
I have self control
It’s natural they tell me
I only use it when I’m low
Somehow I lost track of time
Then we were dancing daily
Kratom leaf is how it started
7oh is it’s baby
I would only use her here and there
It was innocent it seemed
If i keep below 20 milligrams I’ll have her beat
24 to 48 milligrams began to climb
72 to 96 it began to multiply
Running from my issues
with the answers in my pocket
She answered all my issues
My addictions now a rocket
300 milligrams and climbing
And yes I hide it well
No one can see I’m dying
While I’m living in this hell

Met up with an old friend
We haven’t talked in years
I told him of my struggle
While I’m fighting back these tears
He told me to taper
that I could push right through this
All the while I’m loving Jesus
But I’m living like a Judas
I’ve been calling on the Lord
For Him to help me out
I started stepping by faith
And he showed me the route
It’s been a long and bumpy road
And I still have miles to go
But I’m under 60 milligrams a day
And this I know,
I will defeat this demon
That’s been living on my shoulders
I will be a free man
the one giving all the orders
I cant wait for victory
For the final horn to blow
Cut the head of this giant
While it’s leaking blood below

I’m so close I can taste it! Just wanted to post my progress. I know I know I could probably just cold turkey the rest but I know I don’t have the will power to do it.

18th - 250mg
19th - 236mg
20th - 224mg
21st - 208mg
22nd - 212mg
23rd - 203mg
24th - 186.5mg
25th - 177mg
26th - 168mg
27th - 168mg
28th - 153.5mg
29th - 144mg
30th - 117mg
Sept 1 - 102mg
Sept 2 - 66.5mg (this was a mistake going so hard in the paint. I didn’t sleep for 2 days )
Sept 3 - 67.5mg
Sept 4 - if everything goes well I’ll be at 63mg

The plan now is just to take it easy and cut 4.5mg every other day till zero. I don’t want to experience what I experienced on Sept 2nd and 3rd. That was hell

I should have never married you. All those times you would ask me, “why do you love me?” And “why did you marry me?” That was a tip off. You felt guilty for bringing my whole life down. Your depression was always classed more important than me but yet you never sought out treatment. All those bonus checks I would spend on you rather than pay off the house. All those months I would work while you wasted away in our home only for me to arrive home and the place was in shambles. You hardly ever cooked or cleaned or did anything. Pathetic. You are truly pathetic. I can’t stand you honestly. There will never be another “us”. One day you will wake up. One day you will realize that you always were selfish and never cared about anyone but yourself. The way you up and left me and our community was disgusting. Everyone in our circle of friends would have done anything for you, they would have went anywhere for you but still you left us all with no notice. Mr Turner moved you from 3 different apartments and you left him without saying word. When he called you his daughter he truly meant it. You hurt so many people. Fine you left but did you have to leave the way you did ? Without saying ANYTHING to ANYONE. Yet I still covered you and tried to make it seem not as bad as it really was. My mother was like a mother to you seeing that your mother was a master elite gaslighting psychopath but I guess the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. You are so pathetic I’m not even sure how you are possibly living. When we were together I did everything for you because I loved you. Taxes, bills, cleaning, cooking - EVERYTHING. So I’m not at all surprised to find out that you already maxed out 3 of your credit cards and you’ve only been gone for 6 months. Way to go! Oh, what was that? How did I know you were is debt?! Because you never updated the emails and passwords for your accounts you idiot. Riddle me this Batman, how in Gods green earth did it only take you 3 months to total your vehicle ? Way to go champ. On your next vehicle make sure you get full collision so that the next vehicle you destroy you can actually get a pay out from insurance. I hope it all was worth it.

A piece of trash
A loser, how did I fade this fast ?
I wasn’t this way a year ago
Now many can’t tell if I’m friend or foe
Emotional, I’ve lost my grip
On reality, please end this trip
Please get me back on track
I’ve lost my way
Broken from pressure from all these cracks
Along the way
Not sure if I can piece together
All the shards of life
There jagged and there sharp
Bloody fingers while I type
I’m pathetic and it shows
Stuck in the past Im froze
From the mistakes and choices
That I’ve made
That are incomprehensible
Hopefully I can muster up the strength
To get out of this bed
To take life by the horns
Maybe I can live again
I always say tomorrow will be the day
But the days have turned to years
Im still holding on to hope
While I’m holding on to fear

A piece of trash
A loser, how did I fade this fast ?
I wasn’t this way a year ago
Now many can’t tell if I’m friend or foe
Emotional, I’ve lost my grip
On reality, please end this trip
Please get me back on track
I’ve lost my way
Broken from pressure from all these cracks
Along the way
Not sure if I can piece together
All the shards of life
There jagged and there sharp
Bloody fingers while I type
I’m pathetic and it shows
Stuck in the past Im froze
From the mistakes and choices
That I’ve made
That are incomprehensible
Hopefully I can muster up the strength
To get out of this bed
To take life by the horns
Maybe I can live again
I always say tomorrow will be the day
But the days have turned to years
Im still holding on to hope
While I’m holding on to fear

Back when I was addicted to fentanyl I called my plug for a patch. When I got to his apartment he wasn’t home and the door was slightly ajar. I began calling his name as i opened the door to no answer. I quickly went down the hallway to his room. I opened one of the dresser drawers and took a fentanyl patch. At the time I justified it because he had oxys and weed in the drawer and I only took a single patch. Later that night he called me. I was so scared that he found me out but i still answered. Much to my surprise he apologized to me for leaving me hanging and I ended up going over there to buy another patch. This was over 20 years ago but I still feel bad about it.