If you’ve been the sibling who constantly compared yourself to your brother/sister… can you help me understand?
I’m hoping to hear from people who recognize themselves more in my sister than in me.
My twin sister and I are adults (F27) now, but our relationship changed a lot in late high school. Before then we were as close as you can get, but something shifted, and it’s never really gone back to how it was.
Since then, she’s often put me down, told me I was “dumb”, and made comments that led me to believe other people secretly thought I was “dumb” too. Looking back, I don’t think those things were true, but I believed them for years.
What confuses me is that, in many ways, she has the life she always wanted. She has a successful career, owns a home, is engaged, and has always been very driven.
Our personalities are also really different. She’s more reserved, serious, and tends to care a lot about appearances and doing things the “right” way. I’m much more laid-back, outgoing, silly, and kind of a happy-go-lucky person. I have ADHD, took a much less traditional path, and generally prioritize authenticity and my mental health over trying to fit a certain mold. Socially, I’ve often found it easier to connect with people, which has made me wonder if that plays into our dynamic.
I’ve spent a lot of time trying to understand what happened instead of just deciding she’s a bad person. I know twins can compare themselves to each other constantly, and I know people sometimes project their own insecurities onto the people closest to them.
If you’ve ever been the sibling who felt competitive, resentful, or jealous of your brother or sister, I’d really like to understand your perspective.
What were you feeling at the time?
Did you realize you were putting your sibling down, or did it feel justified?
Was there something about your sibling that made you feel threatened, even if your own life looked more successful?
Looking back, do you understand why you acted that way?
I’ve gotten much better at setting healthy boundaries, so I’m not really looking for advice about that. I know I can’t change her.
I’m more curious whether there’s anything else I can do to better understand this dynamic or navigate it in a healthy way. I’d especially love to hear from people who’ve been in my sister’s shoes and can explain what was going on in their head.
When I think of her I often think “we used to be best buddies, but now we’re not.” it’s so sad to me.
TL;DR: My twin sister and I became distant in late high school, and since then she’s often put me down despite being successful in many areas of life. I’ve worked hard on setting healthy boundaries, but I’m trying to understand why someone would treat a sibling this way. If you’ve been the jealous, competitive, or resentful sibling, what was going through your own mind? What drives this kind of behavior, and is there anything I can do beyond maintaining boundaries to better understand or navigate this dynamic?