u/SquishySquid2002

They say I don't got through psychosis because I am aware of symptoms. I hear sounds and voices, I get pre occupied about a thought and think it means something about me. I have thoughts that people are in love with me and want to have sex with me, I also think that others are out to get me wanting to kill me and gonna kill me. I get defensive that others are gonna kill me I think about getting at them before they get me. I don't think before I speak I flirt and I text and I think that any slight thing means they love me and In romantic connection and I have thoughts that I love someone who I just met and that they are the best and most awesomest person ever they love me and I love them and we are gonna have sex no and sex is the most glorious thing ever and I will be glorious for having sex. I also think I am a dog a god and monster I also think I am a cat since I head butt my cats there fore I am a cat and I get paranoid about names and how names remind me of a person and I get that person in mind mind and I think I am them I feel like them and I get angry that they are controlling my mind. I don't know for certainty if this is psychosis but I experience somethings that sound like my thoughts are externalized

I don't want this post re move I want it out there so I can share it with others and also have it for me tooI have autism and like I feel nervous about the autism I have and the self and daydreaming and trauma and ADHD to of oh this will be reckless getting cops on me and doing that and also hurt from relationships and also not assmebt of risk and I really want to prove to the court and at the same time that is me I have it the coart does need to put a stamp of me saying this is fact I know it fact like that is common sense

I feel like jaidens empty song is happening. I notice I want to info dump everything and I have stuck part of it not safe don't do it and it is safe I can do it but on no the cops will be after you I feel destress I don't want to do anything I mask autism traits of info dumping and stims and like then I get annoyed because it is on others and like how the legal system is there they help they are they and I worry about getting arrested and I never was afraid of it before it is not logical to be afraid of getting arrested it is logical to be nervous but afraid it is not worry I am not bad for worried or bad but it feels bad I notice I am hallcination. But if I call 911 and tell them I am going through an emergency then like they will ask questions I will shut don't I will feel afraid and I will manipulate to get what I want. I notice I I notice that I will start smoking and like I need to start smoking because the worry tough and I not that I might as well because like the worry about police will not be gone every and nothing will get better. Like I get irritated you say the the level thing will not get better me like it will get better it is part of my mind and experience others don't know what they are saying I feel like I want them to know and understand I don't know an assertive way of doing it but I feel like it

I see all the post on this subreddit and say this is me everyone will support me and I devalue that everyone on this subreddit is bad and I am bad for being on this subreddit and that like well only way to talk and feel safe and connected. And I get pissed of when I want to hurt others because others are plebs and I am higher than than and just supier I notice an Idea of being told that I am correct and that I am factually higher than other which literally I am not so I am terrified to actually continue to believe that then I blame others for putting that into my head and I feel like I need to proform alll the time. I have this goal of sharing all the bad behaviours I have done I have a goal of sharing about the escalation of porn addiction so I can be validated that I am not a bad person and I have this idea that if I don't share anything that I am a bad person and that I am the feel and that other people are the villian I have this idea of someone taking the responsibility from me and holding me responsibility I have this idea I want to be a kid so they are responsible and I have sexual thoughts on kids and I am annoyed at everyone for telling me I am bad for having sexual thoughts oh kids growing up having sexual actions of online towards kids and I and terrified that I will be rejected and told that I am bad and that I am the evil person the juvile part of self reacts and part of me and reacts to just go to bed. Part of self say but I can't I need to take action and. Part of self is saying I can't and like I need to prove to the police that I am good and that others will not have leverage over me, I find that others saying that I am bad for the actions like well I went to the police went throught the level system so like why are you so obsessed on how I did something wrong I have repaired and I have moved on and now I have another opportunity to live like at that point it is not my issue it is the issue of the object of the other person the other people. I notice I feel afraid and I feel like this is the life living and afraid of self and I feel depressed like I am doing everything right and for others to jump to the judgement and like oh this guy is a pedophile this guy is bad and hurtful is just wrong. I don't now my purpose in life and I believe my purpose in life is to help everyone so I just want to be done with the action and the idea of it because it hurt this identity that I have and the identity of me. And like I am not stupid for wanting it to be removed and eliminated from self I find the only way is to remove it from self is to go to the police and go on trauma and then I will be free of the identity clash in my mind and I feel like I am living that and I will do it and my mind and mind body already making it up and already having a spiritual awakening. When I here voices it is parts of me that is cleaning up the mess that has happened with actions I have done and anyone. I have a punishment plan with others and no one helps me out with a punishment plan I am expecting them to take the responsibility for it am expecting this to fix the situation and I am expecting them to change the situation. I am expecting them I don't hang out with others because of this identity collapse and like if I were to hang out and I feel threatened I would be an ass hole and I would push away other I would feel servely angry and be a grandiose asshole and try to play the video blame it on you guys your fault I feel injure and shame of choice and shame of my identity and it is others fault I believe that people who cause me conflict are the villain and the issue and they are the reason why I did the illegal action that crushed my identity it is on someone else it's there fault they are making me do it if they don't stop me then I keep continuing to do it it's there fault. And like it is not about the material it self it is I am acting out and lashing out at others and balmaing other it is not about the idea I have and the feeling ofoh so perfect because it is not about that I have that idea of tmohis person is so perfect because and then I have an identity of this person is so perfect because skin because of the small body parts and lie they perfect object when it not about it it about the idea and like oh I feel frustrated I am just gonna do it and making rash choices it is not about the actual thing it is about a power move I feel like I have power over other and using that to threaten others. I do want to be told that I am bad for this but I would like to speak I don't want to be outright rejected I want to speak and grow from it because how else am I supposed to grow from it if I don't argue it if I don't learn from it. Like I really get pissed of that like why other are jack asses and I have this idea of how to tech someone and like hey you and not understanding let me help you understand and take over for them and like that I feel annoyed from don't take over for me and part of me is like ohyouso cute let me all but if I were to teach and or coach like I literally can't be like oh you so adorable let me couch you because you are adorable I notice a part of me that wants to do that and also a part of me that want to be a teacher and indifferent and helping other without bais. A part of me want to like oh let me take care of off and help you understand because you are sad and worried and don't know what is happen and and want to support you unlike the people who hurt me. And I want to like also be not a dick and project. I don't think I am bad I do think it is bad I don't think I need to go to jail for it and my mind automatically said I do need to go to jail for it I did an illegal thing and that define who I am who you are and others would tell me that from the action I did that I am a pedophile I am an abuser and am. A person who is at risk of hurt other and I feel confused if that is a fundamental truth and like literally it is not it is more so that people are abusive assholes to me and saying like oh you thing and you literally don't understand the full picture like your judgement is faulty and is stupid I notice I have a risk impulse of me sharing this online people will tell me I am great and that I am supier to others and I am asewome and the best person ever. And like I literally don't want to be an asshole to animals of vulnerable people I literally understand it and at the same time I am not perfect I want to date unavailable people because I get to not be lonely I can have sex with other and I notice that I have craved sex and that sex is the best and the idea of sex is amazing I need to go through sex to unpack it. And I notice I want to get sex right now because I want to experience it I want to sex validation but I also want to be dominant and make someone hurl and make that moan and groin and I want to cause them fear but I also don't want to cause them fear I want to make sure they are safe I want to control it but I want them to have control I want to collaborate with sex because I find sex is a very important and sweet thing. I agree and I notice I have a part of me mind is like not no prove that it's and prove that it is negative. And i notice I have a part of self that I have sex and that like they will be literally have sex with a sex offender and I feel power from it so they don't have that information o say no and that I can have sex for the first time and so I have the power and so that I can spank them because they a bad girl. And having sex with adult human will actually help me associate to adult and lust on other woman and men and approaching them and be happy about what they are where because it look so cool and I am so happy to see them and I look the outfit they are wear and a part of my mind is saying oh but power and I don't want power in a relationship but same time I am motivated to that I notice that I want the past to happen again when I didn't feel any sort of power and sensitivity to judgement I want to have that happen again and I want to get it to happen again I feel sad I want to distort the world into having it be so where I don't feel bad then. I feel like I want to post it because this isn't a stupid this not is a bad thing and like that is what I want and I notice I feel depressed and like feeling depressed is fine I notice I feel depressed and like nihilistic. And shame on depression and depression memorirs I notice I am having fear that I need to perform and put on a mask of shame and feel ing like I am bad when I am good and have goodness in me I don't want to say there is bad because is bad evil if evil then I am and abusive asshole molester and that I actually want to do it. And it compilation and want to talk and talk things out I do want to make change I am terrified to have change in my life because I am so use to this that everything feels foreign to me but also familiar I want so much I don't want to be told no to familiarity I want that so much and I am sad I am depressed and I want that feeling and I don't want to change I want the past I don't want to have things not happen I don't want to have a sense of self I don't want my sense of self to change it feel like a injury already and I am traumatized already that an injury to a part of self happen I want other to support me through in a I feel sad and like low rebellious and juvile and like I literally hate how people wouldn't give me hugs and wouldn't give me support because of a action that happened my sister sade no it is not my responsibility to help support other going through anything I want to help victims abusers anyone she says it isn't my responsibility well if it is my responsibility then who's is it I feel like it's others people responsible to be supportive when I am have a mental break and then like I share that I did this illegal thing and they say no you are this abusive asshole like literally you not being empathetic you are contributing to the same situation.

I notice I have a thought of control where I share all my thought and my idea and just process stuff out I literally don't want to be told that I am bad and the I am the worst and that nothing will get better because of anyone of you give tells me that I am the worst things will not get better I will feel like I am being injured and this idea that I am okay and better than you will crush. Like that is manipulation and that is controlling and I am tired of being perfect sorry if I am an asshole on this like I am like this to others too and I notice I have a thought of this is my last change and that this is my last change to be a part of a community on line and I feel happy and also sad to because like I feel like I only related to people online and I feel sad and I feared afraid I notice I have a thought of you guess take the fear away plus and I have happy places and happy memories

I over shared and I feel worse afterwards

Jung....

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Repairing consciousness and reassurance from online I notice and asshole being think oh it me then like just annoyed and blaming. Then like this. Idea in my mind oh comparing to others achetpyes

How did you repair your conscience

I have been obsessing on the mistakes I have done and I have been wanting to regain my conscience (I believe I have no and that I am acting in negative way of compensation and thinking about cops a lot about actions too. I try to take action but my mind always says no don't cops. I notice I have an identity surrounding cops and I am merging with the identity and believing that badness must be me. I actively avoid stuff. I want to Tell other my wrong. And my we go or identity get frustrated about society and how like consequences happen for the actions that I have taken. And to my mind it believes or I believe it is the worst thing ever and I believe like actually it not the worst thing ever like that action I was seeing online ios bad and the idea of it is bad but maybe not thew worst ever still bad. My conscience gets stuck on it and like reason about how bad it was and then I feel like I m tortured from my mind and then have this identity of it is fun ,to torture myself and then so much fun to hate. And like I don't agree with that the feeling I felt I notice addiction like oh feoeplf it again and then I. Think I have no conscience. Like I defend

Against my speaking and honest and think I am awful and believe what is the point and like I don't care while I rather. My mind then thinks of ways of hurt and asshole. Being able then idolizes it and like thinking I am a sociapath or psychopath then mind think. Oh they amazing when they aren't I know and believe. Like when I have bad thoughts and ideas and actions I notice this wall of anger and lashing out when it is not like towards anyone I notice that would be projecting. Like it is the worst thing like the feeling and understanding and sometimes i need a break. I think I. Can't ever have a break a because that means thenv I will be an asshole and hurt someone. Then Like I need a break yeah and it. Is not. On others to say it okay and validatr a dopaminergic hurt thing like that idea of abuse and torment like is arounsing but like I literally rather not even tho addiction thinking and justification and it literally is annoying and having excitement and gupilte and hate towards me and it and ego just booTs up again and and I start feeling disorganized rin thoughts and speech. Then I think I have no conscience and crazy

I not feel agitated and afraid and

JungXgo to is to game and have. An ego and it feel physical symptoms and then ego is saying it is torture and I give up just tired of it. Ego thinking oh validation just tired of hiding and oh can't share oh danger and just tuored of all of this

I notice achetpye too

All over the place and then not being conscious mental habits of I am just going crazy and when like I guess. I am processing

Ego also like oh proving I don't know

What is merging in NPD and what is merging what does merging me. Like emotional merging of like fusion of selfs together?

I have been recording conversations , and recently let other know after 3-4 conversation with my family, and knowing that what I was a fraud of didn't happen that walking outside that I wasn't arrested or I wasn't seen for a fraud or wasn't seen as an abuser, when in fact I do have abusive and manipulative traits defensives and actions.

Thought that came to mind........

Washing hand and paranoid of self or feeling and thought was let's dostort reality felt confused but also like sure and also vulnerable playing dumb and victim and distortion of others are doing this to me

Distortion of thinking and typing

And reality distortion of cops are after me too when not happening grandosity defensive of shocking to do and think about harm vulnerability of it and dissappointed and like I am the stupid one. And distortion of deserving and playing the victim.

Thinking a place to have friends and a place to be seen I notice distortion of reality.

I notice this a distorted thinking aware of it and defense of oh no it isn't this other mental health issue and covert way of defense of playing dumb and selective listening and zoning out. Grandosity of better than this and proving.

To be honest I have done illegal things that would warrant cops showing up at my place and showing up when I am walking. I notice I haven't mentioned this to anyone except my family immediate and my aunt, (I feel panic I don't have control over what she says and I shouldn't have let her know and I think I need to tell my cousin and uncle to save her from stress and take responsibility.). I have been lying by omission not being honest. I notice I defense of well my life will be ruin if I be honest vulnerable defensive of I didn't know and grandosity of oh I am much better than this other who tell me this deserve elimation and this dont that is on me upset at me and elimation of it from me.

Having a defense of don't share this so I have leverage over other on this and you guys and same time that is not honest and more manipulation which hinders behavior change

.............

Honesty and sharing and grandosity of sharing and must be healed or it over and work is never over and understanding it helps.

Have been doing math, guitar learning,

Needing to have been help out my family with taking care of cats (grandosity pride and excitememt and vulnerable of playing dumb, and excited too. Is the excitement manipulative of a situation or not) (distortion of emotions from that) ego of I am not manipulative or abuser when I do have those that's and thoughts. Grandosity of that is me and grandosity from it.

Hypomania energy triggered