u/StarBlazn

Hey everyone,

I’m posting here because I feel completely isolated and like no one in my everyday life can understand what I’m going through. I recently transitioned out of a strict, insular Hutterite colony, and I’m currently stuck living with my parents while working grueling night shifts to save up money for my own apartment and secure my physical freedom.

Now that I’m researching narcissism, emotional maturity, and trauma, my eyes are completely open to the matrix of my household, and it’s heavy. My dad is a textbook covert malignant narcissist and a functional alcoholic. He has a massive public/private split persona—he is charming, generous, and talkative whenever church guests or friends come over, but a cold, avoidant ghost to his family behind closed doors.

He has a massive martyr complex. He moved himself into the guest room and tells everyone on the outside that his wife doesn’t love him anymore, performatively spending his time sleeping, reading the Bible, and praying. In reality, he has chronically emotionally abused my mom for decades to the point of severe reactive abuse and traumatic functional collapse. She is so burnt out that she stays completely silent unless triggered by her own anxiety cycles.

Whenever I try to bring up his arrogance or entitlement, or when I outshine him with my own confidence, he hits me with daunting, heavy passive-aggressiveness or weaponized spiritual bypassing. He says things like "I love you in Jesus' name, please receive that" and "we live under God's grace" just to evade accountability and flip the guilt onto me. He even does this weird "vibe management" where he wanders around doing a selfish happiness dance and singing country songs in a tense room just to mask the wreckage he causes.

Living here and working night shifts has left me dealing with severe brain fog, anxiety, and deep depersonalization/derealization where everything feels fake, like I'm stuck on The Truman Show. I'm working so hard to reclaim my body autonomy by choosing my own nutrition (making my own fresh milk chia puddings, buying walnuts, dark chocolate, and kombucha) and getting a new haircut, but it's lonely. My mom is too shut down to talk, my dad is trapped in his script, and it feels like the only thing I have to talk about is a home life that people in the "English" world won't understand. I just want to find some better people in my life who speak with a different, warmer tone. Is there anyone out there who has dealt with religious/communal narcissism, spiritual bypassing, or a covert narcissistic parent who acts like a holy martyr? I really need someone to talk to who gets it. ps im so numb I dont even want to talk about it. But please share your thoughts and feelings.

Why do i feel like my narcissist is so much worse than I hear about online. Everybody gives the same advice greyrock, protect your peace, stop trying to expose them or get people to see the truth. I literally cant go into my room without feeling the same way I do the rest of my day, I dont have the strength to talk to strangers, friends, therapists because I feel like they wouldnt understand the words coming out of my mouth. Everyday I come home to my covert malignant father who is so casual about my pain I lose my fricken mind and my moms literally in a different world. She cant defend herself and shes stopped trying and sometimes steps up but hes an expert bomb defuser and reactive abuse beast. Im moving out in a month and a week and this man is getting baptized. My siblings know the truth but they dont give a fuck because they're married and out of the house and still go for his validation and im left feeling like the only sane person in the world. Being obline doesnt help, gaming isn't fun, talking isn't productive and sleeping doesnt work it only brings me closer to my next shift of grueling psysical work. What to do? Anyone else know a trick to surviving the last month?

Just learned this from my relationship wigh my narcissistic father, he demands worship and perfection and performance but fuck that, I love me for who I am and not what he thinks I should be. Im perfectly imperfect and the parts of myself I love are good enough for me.