u/StillIngenuity2200

TW: explicit descriptions of self-harm.

First of all, I want to apologize if this question sounds stupid, but I'm seriously really upset with myself. M (19) here.

I want to start by talking a little about my history and why it's so hard to stop when I practically grew up with this. From a very young age, because I couldn't properly express my emotions due to the painful punishments from my parents, I used to hurt myself. I started hitting my legs and then cutting myself with broken glass.

In my teens, it got much worse. I would use pencil sharpener blades. Nobody knows about this because I always do it in places where it can't be seen since I'm ashamed of the marks (my stomach, chest, and hips; sometimes, if I run out of space, my back).

I never went beyond scratches or cuts that didn't leave scars, but I'm starting to escalate it into more deep, and I'm really scared. I can't stop because it's the only thing that keeps me really calm, even if I don't cut myself, I usually hit or bite myself. I'm scared, I don't want to have scars, I'm tired of never being able to take my shirt off.

I feel so lost. After everything that happened, she decided to come back as a "friend." I have so many loose thoughts, scattered all over the place, so confused I don't know where they begin and end in my head.

The only thing I know is that her refusal and lack of commitment show she's not ready for a relationship, specifically with me. I resent how she treated me, what she did, her lack of compassion, and her cold words as she left without giving me a chance to explain. I hate how I tried to shut down, to pretend I didn't care so as not to feed her ego. I hate that she doesn't know about my bottled-up anger, that she just goes on with her life. It's not something that makes me constantly miserable, but it's her lack of love after everything I did that fills me with rage. It's abandoning someone who was there for her in her darkest moments. When she was sick, when she couldn't get out of bed because of her depression, when she wanted to kill herself... And she can't stand that I was SA'd. She sees me as something dirty, something... tainted. I hate her, and at the same time, I love her, and it hurts because she's someone I've known since I was a child. She was everything to me—my smile, my joy.

I genuinely thought everything was fine, but she kept so much bottled up inside. And when she finally exploded, I inevitably got hurt. She made me feel so misunderstood and unloved, as if I had always loved her more than she loved me. And maybe it's right. She made me feel so unattractive, saying she "forced" herself to love me. She was never a problem with others; she connected and opened up easily. It was with me that she seemed to make an effort. And after what happened, she started looking at me with such disgust and rejection. I didn't want to touch her because of the trauma, and she just got angry. Now she's back, longing to be friends, because she says she doesn't feel that connection with anyone else. We've talked, laughed, as if nothing ever happened. She just left, but deep down, I still feel so much resentment in my soul, even though I'm still helping her, being there for her, and pretending to forgive her for the hurt she caused me. I'm trying to make amends because I know it was hard for her... I just wish I could stop being so resentful and secretly wishing her the worst.

This isn't me. I don't behave like this. I've never wished this kind of harm on anyone. I wish I could stop feeling so dirty and confused.

A few months ago, my girlfriend broke up with me after I told her about it after drinking too much. I confessed that I had been sexually abused several times in the last few months, and... I think it was too much for her.

I understand that it was too much shit to process, and that's why she left. She felt overwhelmed by the responsibility and decided to go. We couldn't have sex because of my trauma, and she distanced herself so quickly. Every time she looked at me, I started to see a hint of genuine disgust and something I don't dare to decipher, like I was tainted.

I feel so dirty, and I miss her. I just wish I could go back to being the man I was before and cuddle up with her. Sometimes I think that if I hadn't talked so much, she would still love me.