u/Strange-Wing5240

I need help, and I don’t know where to start.

I’m a 50 year old father of two young boys facing divorce and a life of complete uncertainty.

Diagnosed with ADHD and (high-functioning) Autism in my mid-forties, my emotional processing and practical decision-making skills are hindered by worry, anxiety, and poor executive functioning.

I also have Fibromyalgia, a lifelong pain condition that causes constant tiredness, low energy, and brain fog, no doubt exacerbated by my situation. I suspect I’m also depressed.

I have a constant knot in my stomach, I shake, and every task that needs doing (answering emails, paying bills, speaking with divorce lawyers, earning money!) has congealed into a melee of indecipherable noise, a tangled web of to-do’s that I block out by doomscrolling or addressing other important (but not important in the slightest) tasks. This post, another hour lost when I could have written something equally as sufficient in minutes.

I need help processing my feelings, reducing my worry, and finding clarity to focus on what needs to be done. If I’m brutally honest, I want someone to hold my hand, guide me and make the big (right) decisions for me, but that’s not going to happen. I feel like an infant lost in a grown ups world.

I want to be that person the dreaded algorithm constantly taunts me with me, the divorcee who manages to rebuild their life, who becomes physically and mentally stronger, bouncing back an incredible and present parent and an inspiration to their kids.

So where do I start and who do I turn to?

To caveat…

I live in London. Getting a GP appointment is challenging, and I’ve never seen the same GP twice in my 30 years here. What would a positive appointment look like, what am I asking of them?

I’ve tried therapy before (for social anxiety related issues pre ADHD / Autism diagnosis), it’s prohibitively expensive, i’m honestly not sure what good it did (although my judgment may be clouded by poor recollection) and my habitually cyclical and depressed outlook meant I could never get past a feeling that they were just making money out of me. Do I try again?

How do I get the help and support I need? What steps do I now need to take?

I need help, and I don’t know where to start.

I’m a 50 year old father of two young boys facing divorce and a life of complete uncertainty.

Diagnosed with ADHD and (high-functioning) Autism in my mid-forties, my emotional processing and practical decision-making skills are hindered by worry, anxiety, and poor executive functioning.

I also have Fibromyalgia, a lifelong pain condition that causes constant tiredness, low energy, and brain fog, no doubt exacerbated by my situation. I suspect I’m also depressed.

I have a constant knot in my stomach, I shake, and every task that needs doing (answering emails, paying bills, speaking with divorce lawyers, earning money!) has congealed into a melee of indecipherable noise, a tangled web of to-do’s that I block out by doomscrolling or addressing other important (but not important in the slightest) tasks. This post, another hour lost when I could have written something equally as sufficient in minutes.

I need help processing my feelings, reducing my worry, and finding clarity to focus on what needs to be done. If I’m brutally honest, I want someone to hold my hand, guide me and make the big (right) decisions for me, but that’s not going to happen. I feel like an infant lost in a grown ups world.

I want to be that person the dreaded algorithm constantly taunts me with me, the divorcee who manages to rebuild their life, who becomes physically and mentally stronger, bouncing back an incredible and present parent and an inspiration to their kids.

So where do I start and who do I turn to?

To caveat…

I live in London, UK. Getting a GP appointment is challenging, and I’ve never seen the same GP twice in my 30 years here. What would a positive appointment look like, what am I asking of them?

I’ve tried therapy before (for social anxiety related issues pre ADHD / Autism diagnosis), it’s prohibitively expensive, i’m honestly not sure what good it did (although my judgment may be clouded by poor recollection) and my habitually cyclical and depressed outlook meant I could never get past a feeling that they were just making money out of me. Do I try again?

How do I get the help and support I need? What steps do I now need to take?

My wife and I are in the early stages of a no-fault separation / divorce, the official process hasn’t begun yet but I started having some free initial consultations with various family solicitors around 8 weeks ago, with children and a shared home involved plus a huge disparity in income (my wife’s salary was 400% greater than mine) I was advised to instruct a solicitor to act on my behalf. I reached a point where I landed on the solicitor I want to use and now need to complete their letter of instruction and invest a certain amount of money into a retainer fee to move forwards with them.

However in the 8 weeks that have elapsed since, the situation has changed in that my wife has lost her job (people found her to difficult to work with, the second time it’s happened in a year!) and is currently unemployed and rapidly burning through her savings choosing not to find work for the foreseeable. By the time we reach mediation and the negotiating table it’s likely that there will be very little of her considerable savings left.

Is it still legally and economically advisable for me to instruct the solicitor, pay down the retainer fee and have them act on my behalf with all the fees likely to be involved now her finances (and what might have been deemed shared assets to split) have changed significantly?

We still have a shared mortgage on a house with £500k equity, pensions and of course childcare to divide, and obviously there’s the potential for her to earn significant sums again in the near future, but right now she’s not earning.

I’ve not been able to update the solicitor with this news and take advice from them on the matter as again, I haven’t yet formally instructed them.

Is a solicitor still the right option for me?

My wife and I are unfortunately heading for a no fault separation / divorce after 8 years of marriage. We have two primary school age children and our future parenting goal would be an even 50-50 split.

My wife is originally from Germany, we met in the UK and our children were born in and have only ever lived in the UK, however they do hold both UK and German passports.

My wife has proposed that for the summer school holidays this year our kids spend the whole of August with her in Germany visiting her family. I need to work for the first two weeks of August in the UK and then I’m invited to come out and spend the last two weeks in Germany with everyone which of course I want to do as I’ll miss my kids terribly.

I know my wife misses living in Germany and I might be massively overthinking this but is there a danger that if I agree to this 4-week arrangement she could use it to create a narrative that either a) our current childcare arrangements aren’t equal (when they are), or b) that she should be allowed to move back to Germany with the kids post separation?

After 8 years, 2 kids and a family home together, my wife and I are heading for a no-fault divorce.

We’ve not officially started divorce proceedings but I have met with a family solicitor recently who suggested I reach out to mediators and start gathering financial info in readiness.

My wife was earning over £300k basic (compared to my £75k average earnings as a sole trader), however after only 6 months in her current job she was unexpectedly fired last week due to colleagues finding her ‘too difficult to work with / too argumentative and combative’. This is the second time in a year this has happened, with her losing her previous job (earning over £350k basic) for the same reasons. For the 8 years prior to this she was working at the same company, earning around £200k when she left on her own accord to pursue the higher income job mentioned above.

My wife has just announced to me that instead of finding new work straight away, she’s going to ‘build a freelance career that might take 6 months or more to get up and running’ and in the meantime live off her savings (£150k or more) until she starts earning again.

Where does this leave me legally and financially now? I’m terrified she’s about to burn through savings before a settlement is reached knowing she has large income-potential post-divorce to build her wealth back up again.

My wife and I are in the very early stages of separation / divorce, we have a joint mortgage on our current home that we share with our two young children with £400,000 left to pay over a term of 19 years. House is currently valued at £900,000.

On the back of some initial legal advice I’ve reached out to mortgage advisors to get some preliminary insight into what my mortgage capacity might be post-divorce and I now need some help and advice understanding the implications of two scenarios, A) I remain in the current house and take on our current mortgage myself and, B) I find somewhere new to live.

The maximum I can borrow according to the whole-of market advisor I spoke with is £345,000.

With regards to scenario A (staying in the current house), am I right in thinking that I would therefore need to find both an additional £55,000 to cover the remaining amount on our current mortgage plus £250,000 to buy my wife out of her share of the equity (£305,000 total)?

With regards to scenario B (buying a new place), am I right in thinking my purchasing power would be £345,000 (new mortgage) plus the £250,000 that my wife would pay me from the equity of our current home (£595,000 total)?

I am by far the lower-earner in our marriage earning £70k compared to my wife’s £350k. I have no savings or any means of raising the additional funds mentioned to make scenario A viable for me.

Does this mean I absolutely have no option but to be the one that moves out and finds somewhere new to live?

We live in an extremely expensive and highly competitive area of London when it comes to finding suitable housing and I simply don’t have the future earning potential that my wife does. How am I going to make this work?

I’ve just had some preliminary advice from a family solicitor regarding an impending no-fault divorce (with a joint mortgage and kids involved) and just wanted to sense-check the advice given and see if it’s both sound advice and aligns with other peoples experiences…

— One (or both) of us needs to start divorce proceedings asap, no-fault divorce can be a 9–12 month process.

— Given the large disparity in incomes (I currently earn approx £70k as a self-employed freelancer compared to my wife’s £350k as a full-time employee), I have a claim for spousal maintenance or a larger chunk of the assets.

— Judges don’t like Mesher Orders (delaying the release of equity until a later date). If we’re not selling the house we co-own, whoever stays would need to buy the other person out.

— If I wanted to remain in the house, I’d need to both 1) satisfy the mortgage lender that I can take on the mortgage myself and 2) buy my wife out and give her half of the equity. If I don’t have the funds to buy her out (which I don’t) it can be offset against other matrimonial assets.

— Cash reserves I hold in my business account in case of a shortfall in work (standard 6 months emergency float) and tax savings I put aside in premium bonds can be ring-fenced and protected.

— Advised next steps:

1. Speak with a mortgage advisor and find out my current mortgage capacity I.e. what can I afford right now in terms of a mortgage, would I be able to take on the current house, and how much of a deposit would I need if I were to buy somewhere else suitable for me and our kids.
2. Start divorce proceedings asap
3. Make a referral for mediation
4. Start gathering financial information now

As recent posts attest to I’m currently facing separation / divorce after 8 years of marriage.

Are there any online resources that anyone could recommend that explains the process of separation and the legal and financial implications of it as it currently stands in the UK (England specifically)?

I feel like I have a gazillion questions right now and I’m conscious of not panic-bombing forums looking for answers and tying myself up in knots. I do have an initial-consultation booked in next week with a family solicitor but obviously there’s only so far a free 30 minute session will go in terms of answering some of my more immediate questions (how am I going to afford to live!) and was hoping there might be an easy-to-understand resource out there that could help me plan and prepare for what’s to come.

I’m reaching out to a couple of family solicitors for independent advice (i.e. separate from my wife) on what a no-fault separation / divorce would mean for me legally and financially and have been offered initial 30-minute consultations.

As the much lower income earner in the relationship and with a joint mortgage and 2 young children in the mix I’m hoping to walk away from these initial consultations with a clearer picture of what my situation might be financially once we separate so I can start thinking now about whether I could take on the mortgage of the house we currently live in or whether I would need to move to smaller accommodation (either option being something my wife is pressing me to start thinking about).

Should I be looking to come to the initial consultation with a comprehensive overview of our current financial situation so I can get the answers I need or is there simply not enough time for this level of discussion?

I’m not privy to my OH’s current situation with regards to her exact salary, investments, savings and pension, how would it be possible for me to get a clear understanding of where my finances might stand so I can start planning (i.e. where to live) without the full financial picture?

TLDR; as the vastly lower income earner in a failed marriage I’m seeking advice on what my likely financial future post-separation will look like so I can start thinking about living arrangements now and prepare myself mentally for what’s to come. What should I bring to a free 30-minute family solicitor consultation to get the answers I need and the most out of the session (before I start getting charged!)?

My wife (45) and I (49) have been married for eight years. It’s not been the smoothest of journeys, and after a number of failed attempts at resolving our issues through counselling, my wife has informed me that she now wishes to separate, with her goal to be living independently from me by the end of the year.

We have a joint mortgage on a house we co-own and live in with our two young children (ages 4 & 7). I am completely devoted to my kids and can’t bear the thought of having to live apart from them, even for a few days a week, but that’s looking increasingly more like a reality now.

My wife earns vastly more than I do (£350k basic employee salary compared to my £70k average income as a sole trader). She’s said we need to decide who stays in the house and who finds a new place to live, but I’m terrified I will neither be able to carry the cost of the mortgage on my own nor realistically find anywhere else I can afford. We live in London and, with our youngest starting school in September, have no plans to move from the area.

My head is spinning, and I have absolutely no idea where to start with all of this. I’m assuming some kind of legal advice might be the first step? If so, where do I find a good solicitor who can help me? And what costs might be involved (our joint home insurance does cover legal if that’s an option)?

We’ve not mentioned anything to the children yet. Their wellbeing is, of course, our number one priority, but right now, I need to make some first steps towards understanding the situation I’m in from a legal perspective, what my imminent future looks like, and how to survive it both financially and emotionally.

ETA: burner account for obvious reasons