u/Submissive_Willow_

There's no where for me to go rehab wise.

The detox place opening in my town that my social worker found for me, is, come to find out, only for alcohol and opioids.

Then the rehabs me and my social worker called out of state, say medicaid and/or medicare wont pay for out of state withdrawal care period, just straight rehab. Withdrawal gets to the point where i literally won't get up or do anything, and they dont allow that in rehab. You have to go to all their classes.

The rehabs in my state wont take me and they say its because my mental health care needs to be addressed. The hospitals wont take me because they say they're not a detox facility (and the new detox won't).

The only true dual diagnosis rehab in my state doesn't accept clients with BOTH medicaid and medicare and it sucks.

My team I had had told me a genuine sorry when my applications were denied. I then found a social worker who I'm working with.

I just don't know what to do.

When I found out the detox place in my town opening up isn't for my criteria, as I'd really hoped for, I just figured I try my best to seek outpatient treatment and emailed some therapists on psychtoday that are bother substance abuse informed and can treat co-occuring PTSD... and hopefully psychosis too lol.

But, that only goes so far. Hopefully someone gets back to me.

I make the same mistake over and over, and over again. I hurt my body, kill me faster, and ruin myself.

I feel immense guilt in the aftermath that causes me to want to become clean and quit, or make efforts towards that, but I'm already high for fucks sake. I then feel ashamed.

I fucking hate this. Its miserable. Its fucking MISERY.

Right now, I'm hearing something in my right ear auditorily and prolonged...

It isn't normal for me to hear things, only visual/delusions.

This isn't normal for me, and is a brand new symptom for the first time.

I'm hearing some weird noise in my ear. I'm getting auditory hallucinations now.... they'll gradually get worse and worse over time, and they might evolve into voices. Great. It's still in my ear....

I FUCKING HATE MAKING THE SAME MISTAKE OVER AND OVER AND OVER... I WANT TO CRY BUT I CANT EVEN CRY.

MAKE THE NOISE GO AWAY.

Dm me if you want to be friends. I could use a friend who gets it...

Recently I've found out my delusions weren't real and it only took me doing something embarrassing. Thats when I realized it wasn't real.

Have you ever played music while you were high and got absolutely immersed in the moment?

How about a song called "Isnt life beautiful (Lil peep)". The immersion was so vivid and memorable that every time I heard the song, I was transported back to that moment, that second - that feeling... that feeling of being on IV methamphetamine. It was truly an experience as I listened to that song, that I can call indescribable.

Anyway, fast forward to 4 or 5 years later... meth doesn't do what it once did for me anymore. It got ugly. I hate it.

I'm trapped, left endlessly poking just an empty shell of the person I used to be. I'm forced to make the same mistake almost every other day, shooting up again and again. The worst mistake of my life, I've come to find out.

I get about a day I can be sober. Where I feel free and normal, throughout all the chasing then using and the withdrawal.

Today was one of those days and I was outside, walking around, listening to my Playlist. That song came on... I listened to it in nostalgia. But this time, instead of going inside my head and romanticizing when I listened to the song high, I looked around.

"Isn't life beautiful." I thought to myself...

And I thought to myself, as I looked at all the people, the mountains, children, animals -

"Just the way it is."

I've always wanted to change reality, and I have. But it was beautiful, just the way it was, naturally. It was perfectly imperfect.

I cried because I've never felt such appreciation, awe, and gratitude for anything I that was "just the way it was". I have used substances to augment reality and to augment myself.

It has taken me this whole journey to finally start to feel this way about reality and myself.

I've never felt that before, and I was humbled, and that was beautiful to me.

(I had been walking to petco and I got a fish today and named it beautiful BTW lol )

We're the lucky ones.

After all we have gone through, we've made it through it all with beating hearts.

A beating heart that is reading this right now. And clean or not clean yet, all of us can agree we have been through hell on earth and got through it.

People who haven't been victims to this addiction couldn't believe a day in the life of one - unless maybe until they started to get used to it and accept the reality. How do I know? I still can't believe a day in the life of mine and it's been years.

What I'm saying is... you've been through what you have been through, you're lucky enough to still be reading this, and the moment is all yours. Take it away.

It has been about or almost 4 years now of IV methamphetamine...

I miss my family, and I'm sick of singing the tune of sobriety again and again, with nothing in any following actions to show true, real change. I miss my family. I am lost, existentially, and every other way too - and I'm sick of it. And I've been sick of it for a long time, but now? Well, I'm just over it.

I want to experience life for real. Lately, I understand what I need to go through in order to get that much closer to the things I can't experience right now. Currently, the state I'm in is one where I barely exist, if at all. Right now, my life is completely controlled by meth. My thoughts, actions, behaviors, etc, all revolve around this drug.

I miss my little brother and my mother, and I know they miss me too. I miss the connection with my own self - the one under all of the urges, cravings, withdrawal, and using.

I want to know who I am without substances being the center of my whole world. I want to learn, grow, and be as free as anyone else I see walking around without a care.

I'll notice regular people with regular lives (assumingly) and feel envious that I'm not like them... only to then drift into a daydream of what my life might be like if I ever did get lucky enough to get off the stuff.

I have a constant feeling that is deep down in my soul that my life was meant for something more than this. I have dreams, goals, etc. that I wish would come true in my life. I want to experience those things - and the one thing I NEED to do in order to get to those dreams/goals I'm constantly dreaming of? That I don't normally want to admit? Well, lately, it's something I'm willing to admit...

I need off this drug.

I will get off this drug.

And I have to go through withdrawal and detox from it, and there is no way around that. I never wanted to accept it, nor admit it. I'm finally realistically coming to terms with what needs to be done; no more using.

Once I get through that, I'm free.

I'm free to live my life the way I want to. No having to worry about the next one that I merely would do just to alleviate withdrawal. These days, I just use from wanting to feel better from withdrawal; rather than wanting the drug, just because I feel over how the drug effects me.

Substance use disorder treatment is lifelong, yes, but I need to take this giant leap. I need to withdrawal till I feel okay without the substance. It's going to hurt really bad but it is worth it.

I'm thinking of going into a rehab/psychiatric facility out of state (none will take me in-state due to mental health).