there was a girl dressed in all white in section 305. it looked like she went by herself. she danced all night and knew every lyric to every song. she was crying her eyes out at many points during the concert. but it also looked like she had the most fun out of anyone there. wishing you all the love in the world girl <3
my boyfriend broke up with me back in march. we were on the brink of college graduation and even had plans to move in together post-grad. while I am not ready to share details of the breakup, I would like to think we ended on good terms. our breakup was extremely emotional and a decision that wasn't made lightly. we held each other, cried, and I told him that I was proud of him for putting himself first, despite my heart breaking. we, along with our families and friends, were devastated by the circumstances. we went immediate no contact after the breakup. seeing each other in school was difficult, but we both kept it as professional as possible for group work. I held out a lot of hope that by the time graduation rolled around, that he would come around and we would work things out. the quicker graduation approached, the slimmer the chances of reconciliation got.
weeks 1-2: pure shock and denial. I didn't think it would end so abruptly. we were together for two years. I kept myself in an unhealthy loop of "he just needs time and space and he will come back." he never did. I operated on autopilot for most of the days and can't even really remember what my days looked like because I was in such a haze.
weeks 3-4: deep depression, guilt, and grief. I went home for a week to see family and spent the entire time in my dark childhood bedroom. I wasn't eating. I cycled between not sleeping at all because of anxiety or sleeping too much (14+ hours). when I did sleep I had dreams of him and his family. it was so bad I felt physical pain in my head and chest. I thought I was undeserving of love and that I had lost the best thing that ever happened to me. I reached out to crisis hotlines (988) in desperate attempts to alleviate the pain.
weeks 5-6: sadness and mild anger. the feelings of deep sadness still lingered. I would run through the same scenarios over and over with my friends. they slowly helped me realize that what happened between us wasn't entirely my fault, and that I shouldn't let the guilt consume me. when I would see him in school he would keep his head down and sit in the back of the room. I knew he was hurting too, but seeing him avoid me hurt. his birthday rolled around right at this time, and I ultimately decided not to reach out. I knew it was his day and he should spend it surrounded by the people he loves, and not reminded of what he lost. selfishly, I was also afraid of him not replying or being cold. I wrote him a letter I never sent instead. this is when I truly felt him begin to slip away permanently.
weeks 7-8: second heartbreak. we didn't exchange belongings during the breakup because it was too hard for the both of us. we said we would revisit at a later time. I thought he would reach out to me sooner. a week before graduation, I sent him a brief message wanting to exchange belongings (I didn't care much for my stuff, but I had a lot of his clothes and other miscellaneous items that I thought he should have back). He was polite back, but asked that I leave his belongings outside of his apartment. I asked if he was open to having a brief in-person chat, just as a final goodbye before we graduated, but he responded the next day saying he preferred if we did a no-contact exchange. I was crushed. I cried on the floor of my friends apartment for hours. I wrote him a final letter instead as a form of closure for myself. I unfollowed him, his friends, and his family because being reminded of them was excruciating. I cut the ties completely so that the hope didn't eat away at my healing. for a while, I felt like I made the wrong decision and I permanently shut the door on something I would give my entire life to make work again. but it takes two to tango, and I can't be the one to carry the emotional burden.
weeks 9-10: post-graduation clarity. we made brief eye contact at the ceremony. I saw his family from a distance. grieving the loss of them was unbearable. they were like a second family to me. I did my best to keep my chin up and walk across the stage with a smile. out of everything I felt like I had lost, this moment was the one thing that was mine and that no one could take away from me. the heartbreak was so bad at some points I thought I wasn't going to make it to the graduation stage. my heart felt lighter. my parents took me on vacation the week after and I had a blast. as I close in on week 10, here is my advice.
Therapy. This may be a no-brainer, but it has truly helped me sort through my emotions and recognize my areas of improvement. I have made a substantial amount of progress regulating my anxiety and quieting the voice in my head that told me I wasn't good enough.
Romantic love was a mere fraction of the love I had in my life. my roommates held me on the couch while I cried for hours. my friends came over with treats and watched episodes of reality tv with me on endless loops. my family booked trips and pulled me out of the house. everyone listened to me, told me how much they loved me, and assured me they wouldn't leave my side, no matter what. they chose me. they didn't leave when things got hard, they just held on tighter. it was the most painful, yet the most beautiful two months of my life. losing a relationship meant gaining a sea of love from everyone around me. (I've Seen It by Olivia Dean is the ultimate anthem for this)
Journaling. if you're of the anxious type like me, it feels like the racing thoughts will never end and that you will never feel better. it took every ounce of willpower not to text or call begging for a second chance. write what you want to say down. text it to your friends if you have to just to satisfy the feeling of "sending that text." putting pen to paper also helped slow my thoughts and articulate my feelings.
There is nothing some sunlight and a walk won't fix. I was big into running before the breakup but afterwards I couldn't find the motivation to do so. my roommates would take me on walks outside and even if it was just in silence. Knowing I was moving my body and in good company meant the world to me.
You are not a burden. my friends and family have heard the same story over and over like a broken record. they helped me sort my feelings, validated my worth, and helped me realize that I am not inconveniencing anyone with my feelings. you are so loved. please remember that.
Do what you have to do FOR YOU. cry, eat ice cream, write crash out letters, treat yourself, make playlists, go out, have fun, unfollow and remove. whatever you have to do to move forward, do it. they are no longer in your life therefore you are no longer responsible for their emotions. they made a decision at the expense of YOU. you get to be selfish now. unfollowing was the best thing I possibly did. I didn't cut all ties and shut the door permanently, I just set up a boundary for my own healing. he knows where to find me, and everyday that he doesn't choose me is just another day that I get to choose myself!
You don't have to figure out the next 5 years, just the next 5 minutes. when we broke up it felt like my life was over. that I had lost the love of my life and would never find this again. as much as I wanted to fight, I could not choose what was no longer choosing me. maybe one day he will reach out, and we will choose each other again. maybe one day I will move forward and look back on these years with love and gratitude. if I never hear from him again, it is not a measure of my worth, just a measure of his ability to handle another conversation with me. I have a lot of love, respect, and admiration for him, and I will always wish him well and cheer him on from a distance. I don't know how I will feel two months from now, let alone for the rest of my life. it is okay to grieve. it is okay to sob uncontrollably on the floor of your bedroom, but just remember to wipe those tears. you will be so much stronger because of this. even now, I have difficulty finding the light at the end of the tunnel. but it is there, and it is shining brighter than ever.
sending all the love in the world to everyone out there going through similar pain. the journey is long. there are many dark storms to weather but the sun will come out again. hang in there, I love you ❤️