u/Such-Staff-6523

I’ve experienced a plethora of emotions over the last 3 months after being ghosted after 10.5 months of daily bonding/connection. But today I woke up and something feels very different for me. Yesterday was my daughter’s 3rd birthday. We spoke about the kids frequently and one day after we heard her declare her love for muffins he bought her a book “if you give a mouse a muffin”. You go OUT OF YOUR WAY to do something sweet like that… you could’ve just…. Not. Anyways never got the book. And I just feel like… ew. And so thus… mice and muffins was my breaking point. Blocked his number and all socials. If you’re reading this- THIS IS YOUR SIGN TO BLOCK EM. Stop overthinking what you could’ve done, should’ve done etc. These people go out of their way to make you feel special and appreciated and then they rip the rug and hold their hands up questioning “why are you so confused”. I wrote this post yesterday hoping I’d hold true to the final block on everything. I made my first social media post since blocking and I only feel glad he’ll never see it. Thank fuck.

For full context- I am going through a lot of very traumatic things at one time. (Linking the last 3-4 years into a lump you will gather why.)During this stretch the last 1 year I’ve been putting every thought or internal thought into chat GPT so she can lay it out in a clean way for me to journal it on my iPad. (I have a scrapbook like journal I like to put my thoughts down in my handwriting). So I asked chat to sum this up. It’s honestly pretty interesting. For purposes of not losing in too much thought I’m going to bullet point. A little bit of context- I’ve been with my husband since I was 17. He was my second boyfriend. I’m l a 30f he’s a 30m. I fell in love with my emotional affair 22 years into my marriage after I had already decided privately to only myself that I HAD to leave my husband. The abuse was getting worse… the oldest child was involved. It was messy. I tried to handle my emotional privately. Diving into camming to distract myself from my marriage ending. I’d cam at night and be a mom by day. I’m SAHM so my opportunities were limited. With the weight loss the attention felt nice. after separating myself from him because I knew when I left he’d have no one. Like actually truly. I am his family. His mom is a meth head who physically insured our son 07/2025 and his dad is an alcoholic so both a Dr terminated relationships.

•6-7 years infertility with my husband (we had an unplanned pregnancy at 20) while obliviously living in an abusive relationship. Idk if I didn’t accept it, or just was an idiot. Guys I can’t tell you. But from 18-29 I was married to who is now my best friend. We had very physically abusive moments 5-10 thought the duration. Daily screaming. Morbid “jokes”. We slipped into a facade around all our favorite people. Which included my parents and his sister and her family. Drinking triggered him. I never escalated 1 time in 12 years. I was screamed at, belittled, physically attacked and you could probably guess.

•December 2022 I was diagnosed with a major spinal cord tumor- not without pretending to stroke out because after 10 er visits they refused to MRI me due to being pregnant) for the first time in 6 years).

•had baby, fell pregnant 5 weeks later (we obviously thought this was impossible ask ?? If you have them).

•moved to new house in nice area, home broken into

•physical attack by husband feb 2024

•car stolen

•insurance fraud investigation (cleared after 5 months)

•lost 100 lbs

•2babies under 2

•started camming (husband knew) had already stated emotionally detaching myself after Feb attack

•finally came clean to my parents about abuse and everything else . My family loves my husband. No one believed me. Everyone assumed the worst, like I lost widget and didn’t want my life, slept with my neighbor, all these accusations when I was pleading and begging for help.

•met someone on cam (a client I know ugh).

I don’t even know where to start, but I guess I’m here because I need to get this out somewhere people might actually understand.
I was talking to someone for about 10 months. Long distance. We met in a weird way, but it turned into something real really fast. Not surface level, not casual. We talked every single day. Morning texts, check-ins throughout the day, long conversations at night. He knew what was going on in my life down to the smallest details. I knew his too. It wasn’t one-sided at all.
He cared. That’s the part that’s messing with me the most.
He would double text if I didn’t answer. He’d ask about my day, my kids, my emotions. He’d remember things. He’d send me music, pictures of where he lived, things he thought I’d like. We’ve watched movies, tv series…. We built something that felt consistent and safe, especially during a really hard time in my life.

At this point I was losing my very close to me grandmother. My nana. She ended up passing.
There was even jealousy at times. Not in a toxic, controlling way, but enough to show he felt something. Like he didn’t want to lose me. He made it clear he struggled with certain things, like me camming, but he never fully pulled away because of it. If anything, it felt like he was trying to work through it. I was hardly even camming. I’d hop on to try and cam but through him and Is relationship my feelings were growing for him. Daily contact will do that. I knew about his life, his day to day… and honestly the reason we bonded was because we were both growing through separation. He was leaving a 7 year gig… and right at the beginning of him and I getting close I was fighting with my husband every single day to the point where it got really bad one night and it involved our child so I **for the first time in 10 years** fled the house with the kids and called *x*. He talked through every sane option with me and helped me navigate the hardest time in my life. I went home that night and asked for a separation. I moved my entire life to the basement which was unfinished and I started a journey as a single woman (talking to “x” everyday. Sure I was going through it but we bonded. We didn’t just talk about the trauma. We grew to know one another.
We talked about real life. About meeting someday. About what life could look like. Maybe in a delusional way, but in a “this could actually happen” kind of way also.
And then… he just slowly started backing off.
He told me he wasn’t ready. That he had things he needed to work through. That he was experiencing being alone for the first time in years and needed space.

I said I understood, - because I did. but I don’t think I really did at the time.

Looking back, I think that was his way of leaving.
But he didn’t actually leave then. He just… faded.
And then one day, he was just gone.
No real goodbye. No closure. No “this is it.” Just silence.
It’s been almost 2 months now.

I’ve reached out. I’ve even told him to just tell me to leave him alone if that’s what he wants. Nothing. I’ve pleaded, I’ve begged, I’ve asked for friendship, for anything. No response at all.
That’s the part I can’t wrap my head around.
How do you go from:
talking to someone every single day
caring about their life
building something that feels real
to absolutely nothing?
Like I imagined it.
I keep replaying everything wondering if I ruined it by having feelings. If I should’ve just kept it light and I’d still have him as a friend. But at the same time, it didn’t feel like something that could stay “just friends” forever.
What hurts the most isn’t even losing the potential of a relationship.
It’s losing the daily connection.
He felt like my best friend. The person I could go to about anything. And now it’s just… gone. Like it never existed.
I don’t even know what I’m looking for posting this.
Maybe just to know I’m not crazy for feeling like this meant something.
Because it did to me.

I’m kinda an open book because idk what else to be at this point. I miss my bestie. My person.

Xx

Edit to add: I reflected the past 6-8 weeks and know I’m going through a lot and my trauma was not his to carry or help me though. Which I said to him multiple times. I told him my fears of someone getting close and then leaving because I have absolutely no one but my kids in my corner. When I told my husband about him and asked for a separation he was very understanding with how I got here. Immediately started therapy despite my years of begging. And leaving literally saved his life. He is 180° different even after 9 months. He’s an attentive father, he’s been caring for me as best as I allow since “x” has ghosted me. I’m not a daily drinker but at night for the past three - four weeks I chug about 9-15 swallows before spinning and finally feel numb enough to quiet the over thinking. In the mix we lost our health insurance and I’ve lost my therapist and daily medicine. I’m struggling but doing my best to maintain myself despite everything going on. I wake up in the am at 6am to start my day with the kids. Give them the best day they deserve and then as soon as baby daddy gets home we do dinner, night routine and I drink until I sleep.
Do I give up? Just let him go? I’m worried too. I edited because my post sounded so 1 sided but I do care about him so much. Is this what life is? Just get to know you and bail? Was this just a waste of my fking time? I haven’t connected like this with someone I don’t think ever.

To top it off my 7 year old cat got out 2 months ago now and is still missing. I have live traps set all over town where there has been possible sightings but we closing this chapter and calling today her d day. I miss my girl.

For full context- I am going through a lot of very traumatic things at one time. (Linking the last 3-4 years into a lump you will gather why. During this stretch the last 1 year I’ve been putting every thought or internal thought into chat GPT so she can lay it out in a clean way for me to journal it on my iPad. (I have a scrapbook like journal I like to put my thoughts down in my handwriting). So I asked chat to sum this up. It’s honestly pretty interesting. For purposes of not losing in too much thought I’m going to bullet point.

•6-7 years infertility with my husband while obliviously living in an abusive relationship. Idk if I didn’t accept it, or just was an idiot. Guys I can’t tell you. But from 18-29 I was married to who is now my best friend. We had very physically abusive moments 5-10 thought the duration. Daily screaming. Morbid “jokes”. We slipped into a facade around all our favorite people. Which included my parents and his sister and her family. Drinking triggered him. I never escalated 1 time in 12 years. I was screamed at, belittled, physically attacked and you could probably guess.

•December 2022 I was diagnosed with a major spinal cord tumor- not without pretending to stroke out because after 10 er visits they refused to MRI me due to being pregnant) for the first time in 6 years).

•had baby, fell pregnant 5 weeks later (we obviously thought this was impossible ask ?? If you have them).

•moved to new house in nice area, home broken into

•physical attack by husband feb 2024

•car stolen

•insurance fraud investigation (cleared after 5 months)

•lost 100 lbs

•2babies under 2

•started camming (husband knew) had already stated emotionally detaching myself after Feb attack

•finally came clean to my parents about abuse and everything else . My family loves my husband. No one believed me. Everyone assumed the worst, like I lost widget and didn’t want my life, slept with my neighbor, all these accusations when I was pleading and begging for help.

•met someone on cam (a client I know ugh).

I don’t even know where to start, but I guess I’m here because I need to get this out somewhere people might actually understand.
I was talking to someone for about 10 months. Long distance. We met in a weird way, but it turned into something real really fast. Not surface level, not casual. We talked every single day. Morning texts, check-ins throughout the day, long conversations at night. He knew what was going on in my life down to the smallest details. I knew his too. It wasn’t one-sided at all.
He cared. That’s the part that’s messing with me the most.
He would double text if I didn’t answer. He’d ask about my day, my kids, my emotions. He’d remember things. He’d send me music, pictures of where he lived, things he thought I’d like. We’ve watched movies, tv series…. We built something that felt consistent and safe, especially during a really hard time in my life.

At this point I was losing my very close to me grandmother. My nana. She ended up passing.
There was even jealousy at times. Not in a toxic, controlling way, but enough to show he felt something. Like he didn’t want to lose me. He made it clear he struggled with certain things, like me camming, but he never fully pulled away because of it. If anything, it felt like he was trying to work through it. I was hardly even camming. I’d hop on to try and cam but through him and Is relationship my feelings were growing for him. Daily contact will do that. I knew about his life, his day to day… and honestly the reason we bonded was because we were both growing through separation. He was leaving a 7 year gig… and right at the beginning of him and I getting close I was fighting with my husband every single day to the point where it got really bad one night and it involved our child so I **for the first time in 10 years** fled the house with the kids and called *x*. He talked through every sane option with me and helped me navigate the hardest time in my life. I went home that night and asked for a separation. I moved my entire life to the basement which was unfinished and I started a journey as a single woman (talking to “x” everyday. Sure I was going through it but we bonded. We didn’t just talk about the trauma. We grew to know one another.
We talked about real life. About meeting someday. About what life could look like. Maybe in a delusional way, but in a “this could actually happen” kind of way also.
And then… he just slowly started backing off.
He told me he wasn’t ready. That he had things he needed to work through. That he was experiencing being alone for the first time in years and needed space.

I said I understood, - because I did. but I don’t think I really did at the time.

Looking back, I think that was his way of leaving.
But he didn’t actually leave then. He just… faded.
And then one day, he was just gone.
No real goodbye. No closure. No “this is it.” Just silence.
It’s been almost 2 months now.

I’ve reached out. I’ve even told him to just tell me to leave him alone if that’s what he wants. Nothing. I’ve pleaded, I’ve begged, I’ve asked for friendship, for anything. No response at all.
That’s the part I can’t wrap my head around.
How do you go from:
talking to someone every single day
caring about their life
building something that feels real
to absolutely nothing?
Like I imagined it.
I keep replaying everything wondering if I ruined it by having feelings. If I should’ve just kept it light and I’d still have him as a friend. But at the same time, it didn’t feel like something that could stay “just friends” forever.
What hurts the most isn’t even losing the potential of a relationship.
It’s losing the daily connection.
He felt like my best friend. The person I could go to about anything. And now it’s just… gone. Like it never existed.
I don’t even know what I’m looking for posting this.
Maybe just to know I’m not crazy for feeling like this meant something.
Because it did to me.

I’m kinda an open book because idk what else to be at this point. I miss my bestie. My person.

Xx

Edit to add: I reflected the past 6-8 weeks and know I’m going through a lot and my trauma was not his to carry or help me though. Which I said to him multiple times. I told him my fears of someone getting close and then leaving because I have absolutely no one but my kids in my corner. When I told my husband about him and asked for a separation he was very understanding with how I got here. Immediately started therapy despite my years of begging. And leaving literally saved his life. He is 180° different even after 9 months. He’s an attentive father, he’s been caring for me as best as I allow since “x” has ghosted me. I’m not a daily drinker but at night for the past three - four weeks I chug about 9-15 swallows before spinning and finally feel numb enough to quiet the over thinking. In the mix we lost our health insurance and I’ve lost my therapist and daily medicine. I’m struggling but doing my best to maintain myself despite everything going on. I wake up in the am at 6am to start my day with the kids. Give them the best day they deserve and then as soon as baby daddy gets home we do dinner, night routine and I drink until I sleep.
Do I give up? Just let him go? I’m worried too. I edited because my post sounded so 1 sided but I do care about him so much. Is this what life is? Just get to know you and bail? Was this just a waste of my fking time? I haven’t connected like this with someone I don’t think ever.

To top it off my 7 year old cat got out 2 months ago now and is still missing. I have live traps set all over town where there has been possible sightings but we closing this chapter and calling today her d day. I miss my girl.