Need the strength to go low/no contact - sibling cruelty
I previously posted this to a pregnancy sub, but then I found and joined this sub, and maybe someone here has gone through this? I’m grieving in a very weird way and think I finally have the strength after this event to go at the very least low contact. :/
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Hi everyone! I’m new here, just 5 weeks along, but I’m just feeling kind of lonely and was wondering if anyone else had similar experiences.
My family and I are not in a very good place right now. I’m 30 (oldest of 5), and the sibling right under me is my 28 year old sister who is really really cruel and a mean person and has been since our childhood.
I am not this way, and I was definitely a co-parent growing up because my dad was gone for work a lot and I have a lot of trauma from that. Because of that (I suspect), Any time there is a rift in my family it turns around to be my fault somehow, and I’m having a tough time navigating this with all of these extra big pregnancy emotions.
Very summarized of course, but in April I gently called-in my sister (our relationship had been decent for about 2 years at that point and I thought she had changed) on some bullying behavior toward our older half-sister’s autistic children. I mean, she was very cruel, and tbh my husband is au-dhd and I suspect that I may be autistic so I called her in just in case she didn’t realize how shitty she had been - and I would want someone to tell me I was being an asshole too, honestly. She was upset, fine, we just went our separate ways. My other sister graduated high school in May and my family got together. The 28 year old sister had a baby, so I made them a bunch of freezer meals to deliver them at this graduation party, we were cordial, all was fine, I thought she got over it. Well, this past Monday my family came to town and passed around the new baby. We were in public at a restaurant, and our mom went to pass me new baby, when all of a sudden my sister and her husband (wouldn’t look me in the eye of course) said that we were “not allowed to touch their baby”. I was very shocked by this, genuinely speechless and so I had no words. I turned to my husband who immediately went into action and quickly and quietly boxed up our food. We left very quickly and as quietly as possible because I was just so humiliated and did not want to contribute to the scene they were trying to make. I’m better than that.
My 18 year old sister is now very upset with me that I “ruined” a “celebration dinner” (we literally met at the mall food court on their way out of town and I had NO idea she considered it a special dinner, they were just looking at apartments in town that day) even though I am not the one who made the scene.
Historically, my family is afraid of my 28 year old sister because of how cruel she can be. And now there’s a baby involved that is being used as a pawn and a means of control. It’s easier to tell me it’s my fault and I need to keep the peace (“you’re the oldest, be the example!!! You know how she is, just apologize!!”), and I’m willing to hear when I am in the wrong, but in this situation it was just so clearly not a “Me” issue. I obviously wouldn’t have tried to hold the baby if I knew she was so pissed off at me months later.
Is this abuse? Am I stupid? I feel like I always come crawling back hoping things will change and it doesn’t. This type of behavior stresses me out and makes me so nervous to include my family in my pregnancy. I just want a family, and one that loves me. So maybe I’m a fool.
I wasn’t planning to write this much, so thanks for reading if you stayed this long. I guess I’m looking to see if other people have shit family relationships and things turn out okay in the end anyway. It makes me feel like I will be an inadequate mother already, even though I know that line of thinking is something I have been trained over time to have in order to be my family’s scapegoat. I see all of these pregnancy announcements and ultra happy reactions on Instagram and, while I should know better, I just feel sad and envious that I don’t have that. I don’t know how to go low contact. Yes, I’m in therapy! Just kind of wondering what others with tough family relationships do. My depression is getting very bad and I haven’t been able to eat in days. I’m eating like maybe 500 cals a day and have already lost 10 pounds. I’ll stop rambling now, any advice or stories or well wishes welcome. Thank you 😭💔