For context:

I met my boyfriend, let’s call him K, at a resort 2 months ago. K works at the resort. The resort centers around a very tight knit vibe, where workers of the hotel (the workers come from all around the world) facilitate and join activities with guests.

From the beginning of our trip, I participated in a particular daily activity facilitated by K. From the moment we met, I was instantly physically attracted to him, and this attraction grew when I noticed he started devoting more time to me in addition to what was required of his role in the resort. We spent mealtimes together, texted over Instagram, and most significantly, went out for late night supper in a big group (with other hotel workers) on multiple occasions.

On each occasion, K and I would intentionally sit next to each other in the car/ van the group was sharing, and the conversations we had left us both laughing as if there was nobody else around us. More significantly though, we began to get really touchy with each other on our last night out.

By the time I had to leave the resort, I knew in my heart that there was definitely something between us.

A day after I had returned home, K texted me saying he had something to tell me. We had a video call. He explained his feelings for me in great detail and I could sense the sincerity in his words from the way he described our interactions. I confessed that I had felt the same way, after which we spent hours discussing all the moments we spent together.

We continued calling each other everyday and eventually decided to make it official. At this point, we have been an exclusive couple for a month.

It’s also worth noting that K’s first language is French. While he speaks English fluently, we’ve experienced some minor language miscommunication. Also, we currently live three hours apart with a one-hour time difference.

Some background on the main issue:

From the outset of our relationship, I made it clear to K that I’d been cheated on twice before. He confided in me about his own experience and also revealed his biggest turn-off is one-sided effort and feeling taken for granted.

We’ve had a few minor disagreements stemming from his fear of being taken for granted:

For example, when I was short on money, K offered to pay for a food delivery to my place. This was the first time either of us had spent money on each other. A few days later, I surprised him with concert tickets he had been raving about. I wanted to use this as a gesture to show my love for him (a *just-because* gift) and partially to thank him for his kindness in ordering food for me.

A few days later, on our nightly video call, I offered to pay for K’s supper, because I could see how hungry he was. I waited for him to tell me what he’d ordered so we could enter my card details together. He said he’d decided what he wanted to eat but didn’t respond when I followed up right after. I waited a few minutes, assuming he was still looking through the app, since his screen showed him looking at his phone. After a while, I asked him another question and he ignored me. I found it strange. A few minutes later, he hung up.

It turns out, K had told me twice what he wanted to eat and I completely missed it. I don’t know if it was my cell connection, or my hearing. K was upset because he felt like he had dropped everything to order my food previously, but I didn’t care enough for him to do the same. I felt horrible, because not hearing him was an honest mistake on my end.

It took two days for us to fully resolve the issue. It felt like whatever apology I had to give was irrelevant, and nothing could stop his conviction that I didn’t care as much for him as he does for me.

I felt this was unfair because I’d clearly shown care with the surprise tickets. I also thought the tickets were objectively high in value, which should indicate my willingness to sacrifice for him, even though I’m not earning anything as a university student.

This incident made me realise K is avoidant in conflict. I’m quite the opposite; my anxious attachment style led me to obsess over the situation. Despite my multiple apologies and loving texts, his responses became dry and even left me blue-ticked.

Part of K’s “taken for granted” issue stems from his absolute hatred of being blue-ticked. I discussed this with him and asked why it was acceptable for him to do it. His reasoning was that I had ignored him so naturally he would ignore me.

This incident highlighted for me that K is still deeply hurt by past trauma in relationships and his defence mechanisms are evident when he’s upset. I understood this was his way of self-protection.

The main issue:

K and I usually have three windows to call each day: in the afternoon when he finishes his first shift, in the evening when he finishes his second, and in the night when he’s done for the day. We usually fall asleep together on our night calls.

It had been a while since the previous incident. One night, we were video calling as usual. I had a horrible sore throat and fever, which K knew, and I fell asleep on our call. I woke up at 5pm the next day with my sickness and saw no messages from him. It hurt me a little, but I apologised for not texting him earlier because I had missed our first window of the day.

I was left on delivered by K for 4 hours, after which I texted again to ask if he was alright. By that time, we had missed our second window of the day. K texted back saying he’d call me after he was done for the day. In my timezone, that usually means he’ll call at around 1am.

I waited until 4am, having received no word from him at all. I then asked if he was available, to which he only responded “Yes”, without calling me instantly. I decided to just call him instead, but he didn’t respond.

Despite my sickness, I stayed awake until 6am before I eventually texted him to say that I felt neglected (I basically said “Feels like you don’t want to talk to me”). I then went to sleep.

In the morning, he replied that we hadn’t spoken much the previous day. I texted back, agreeing and expressing my sadness. I asked him to call me when he could. This was all before our first chance to call.

The first window passed without a text or call. I texted again, saying I really needed to talk. He replied with “Okay”. I genuinely thought he’d take the hint and call me then.

However, the second window also went by without a response.

He finally called me at 2am.

During our call, I asked K what was going on. He said he had a feeling I was taking him for granted and wanted to make me realise he wasn’t a “game”. I was genuinely hurt and asked for the basis of his feeling.

K admitted it was just a feeling but then gave examples of how I don’t usually call first. I explained that I respect his working hours so I usually ask when he’s available before calling. He dismissed that as an excuse.

I attempted a sincere and straightforward conversation with K about my feelings. I felt I hadn’t done anything to warrant his sudden withdrawal.

However, I believe we both misinterpreted each other due to the language barrier. I’ve realized that, at times, the language barrier makes it difficult for us to discuss complex situations in detail.

After a while of my talking, K stopped answering.

I asked if he had the energy to even talk. He told me he didn’t, and I asked if he’d rather I ended the call. He basically told me to make the decision myself because he didn’t like forcing people to stay when they didn’t want to.

I was happy to stay on call with him; I just wanted his company after what felt like the longest day apart. An hour into our own quiet time, he hung up on me.

I’m writing this at 5:08 am after being hung up on after the aforementioned call. I genuinely don’t know how to handle this situation. I know he won’t text me first tomorrow so I’ll have to start the conversation again. It’s exhausting but I’m at a loss for what else to do. I don’t want to leave this issue unresolved.

I also don’t want this issue to be the breaking point.

I’m not giving up on us or him because I truly believe he’s a once-in-a-lifetime person. It sounds cliché but the circumstances of our meeting were magical. I can’t fully describe the interactions and memories we shared while we were together but I’ve never felt this enamoured before.

While it might seem naive, a special kind of character is needed to convince me of genuine love and he possesses it. He even mentioned a few days ago that he’s decided to spend his annual holiday with me in my country, meaning I’ll see him in two months.

My questions are below:

1. Based on all the above information, is there any other way I could have handled the situation?
2. What are the talking points I should consider for our next conversation about the situation?
3. How can I mediate similar tension/ conflict with K in the future?