u/SuspiciousAside6847

My ex (M 36) and I (F 38) ended it a month ago after 7 years. I come from a country where family values are important, he knew from day one that I date to marry and dreamed of starting a family. I'm unable to have my own children and always wanted to adopt.

Anytime we would talk about the future he was excited, gave me timelines, we were on the same page - in theory. Then as soon as I would push for things to start moving he would use every excuse in his arsenal, play the victim, ask for patience. If I stayed calm, nothing would happen. If I started a fight, he would use the fight as an excuse to run away.

Two years ago he took me to Japan. I spent 6 months waiting for that trip and knew he promised to propose in the next 6 months and kept asking about my preferences for the ring. I didn't nag, I was enjoying the trip but I was convinced he planned to propose. He didn't. I was devastated, felt like a fool and broke up.

10 months of no contact and he wanted another chance. Said he grew up, went to therapy, claimed to deeply regret how he treated me. I gave him 6 months to propose, show he's serious and ready to start a family and he said that he would never ask for another chance if he didn't understand how serious this is.

He took me to Japan again... I quickly realised he didn't buy a ring, didn't plan anything. I felt humiliated. We spent 2 weeks, depressed, avoiding each other, he moved out the second we came back.

Honestly, I knew he was FA for years, we both did couples therapy for it and he did individual. I knew he was this way and now I can't believe how miserable the life I created for myself is.

I'm genuinely dead inside now. Numb to everything. I was always called marriage material yet nobody wanted to marry me and start a family with me. For me it is too late. 38 is very late to end up single, healing, looking for love again in hopes to start a family one day. It's simply too late for me and I can't get over that I spent 7 years completely abandoning myself in order to give free therapy to someone who didn't love me enough to keep me.

I'm just venting. I don't want to hear that I'm still young etc. I just want people to know - Stop giving chances to a man who has a sad story and keeps playing a victim. He has no interest in making you happy.

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Don't judge me for staying with the guy (FA) for 7 years. I've stayed in a foreign country for him, without a job and no family or friends. Couldn't really just get up and leave so I've gaslighted myself into giving him a million chances. He didn't lie when he was making promises, you could see a genuine change, but it never lasted long. Also, everyone I know thought we're meant for each other and I struggle with always seeing the best in others (yes, I said struggle 🫩, it's like a mental disorder at this point) and I felt bad for his childhood, medical conditions etc. Most of all I'm 38, I was ready for children and marriage at 25. I desperately wanted to make this work, it was my longest relationship.

I know this is a hot take and I would appreciate if you could hear me out respectfully. I have a unique perspective as a stealth, passing straight woman who moved here from another country and I simply wanted to share my perspective and start a discussion.

In my experience women were my biggest allies when I was a feminine androgynous gay guy or early in my transition. I feel like it naturally made women feel more empathy towards me. All of that changed the moment I started passing.

Suddenly any time I would out myself to a woman I started building a friendship with, something would switch in her. I'm not talking about openly transphobic women btw, but those who have gay friends and openly defend trans people. As soon as they would find out about my past (I transitioned 12 years ago), there would be a shift in how they treat me. Suddenly they would start outing me to other people and quickly apologised saying they didn't know I keep it private. Other times I get asked for advice like I'm a gay man, or they talk to me about how for them it wouldn't matter if a guy with a beard or dress would use the female bathroom or me because they're SO open minded, or if I talked about the struggles of dating and finding a man who wants to start a family they would act surprised I'm not just casually hooking up. It's like I'm triggering some insecurities or some internalised transphobia so they need to remind me I'll never be a "real" woman. When I try to call it out they deny everything.

I simply stopped telling people all together because it simply doesn't feel safe to. I can't go to another group meeting where my friend clearly outed me to all her friends and now I'm either being asked about my favourite Drag Race season or I'm just being stared at while people whisper. Passing wasn't an option for me, I transitioned because I knew I should've always been born this way and I couldn't see a future without passing but that doesn't erase the trauma and abuse I experienced for so many years so being stealth sometimes feels like a disservice to my struggles.

I was curious what are your opinions on this topic.

Jestem trans ale po mnie nie widać, przeszłam przez zmiany 12 lat temu (w tym SRS) i mieszkam w Londynie. Nie mówię ludziom o swojej przeszłości, jedyne osoby które wiedzą znały mnie wcześniej.

Chciałabym się dowiedzieć jak się żyje w Polsce kobietom trans po których nie widać. Zwłaszcza interesuje mnie reakcje Polaków gdy im się powie prawdę.

W Anglii reakcja jest zazwyczaj taka: faceci na randkach chcą ciebie "wypróbować" i nie jesteś traktowana jak kobieta której należy się szacunek. Reakcja koleżanek: natychmiast zaczynają ciebie traktować jak geja i mówią jakie są "tolerancyjne".

Anglia jest tolerancyjna dla gejów, ale trans są tutaj widziane (nawet z perspektywy prawnej) jako faceci w przebraniu. Ponieważ tutaj wierzą, że każdy może żyć jak chce, to bycie trans jest traktowane jako coś co się wybrało. W Polsce jeśli jest się gejem i po tobie widać, to jest bardzo ciężko, ale jeśli jesteś trans i po tobie w ogóle nie widać, to podejście jest bardziej medyczne ("Heniek no patrz, piękna kobieta, widać że urodziła się w złym ciele, są tacy ludzie i już"). Czy źle mi się wydaje?

Chcę wrócić do Polski, znaleźć męża i zaadoptować dzieci i muszę wiedzieć czy to realistyczne marzenia.