u/Swimming_Library_355

okay so i need to know if im wrong for this. fake names: me, my close friend betty, a girl i got close to a few months ago emily, and her ex boyfriend emin. this is a heavily summarized version. wrote over 20k words abt this cuz its been beating me up. theres alot of text conversations etc etc.

so while emily and emin were dating, betty became friends with emin (emily wanted them to be friends). about a month into that, emin starts telling betty about sexual thoughts/dreams he’s having about other girls while he’s still dating emily. super weird, uncomfortable, corny type of stuff. betty shut it down and told him never to say that again, but she didn’t tell emily. she also didn’t tell me until like a month later. i hated him for this and couldnt look at him the same. he was corny to me from before, but a perverse cheater? worse

when betty told me, i was mad she kept it from emily. i felt like emily deserved to know her boyfriend was acting like that. but betty said she was scared of backlash and begged me not to say anything, so i didn’t. i felt guilty about it the whole time but didn’t want to go behind my close friend’s back.

fast forward, emily and emin break up. she moves on pretty fast and starts talking about how weird/immature he was, but she still didn’t know what he did. over time me and emily get closer, and every time she talked about him i felt guilty knowing the truth.

eventually i told her. but the way i told her wasn’t super planned, it kinda came up in conversation. i also mentioned that he’s been acting suicidal recently because of the end of their relationship (which i heard from betty). she felt bad for him at first, which surprised me, so i told her the truth about what he did while they were dating.

she was disgusted, but then got upset at me and betty for never telling her. she kept asking why we didn’t say anything. i tried to explain that betty was scared and i didn’t think emily really cared about him like that, but that just made things worse. she said i made assumptions about her and that it ruined her trust.

the conversation turned into a whole thing about whether we’re actually close friends or not. we both admitted we do see each other as close, but she felt hurt that i didn’t tell her sooner and kept trying to justify it. she said she doesn’t think we’re bad people but that we didn’t care about her enough in that moment.

later on she brought it up again and basically said i’m part of the problem too for not telling her when it happened. i tried to explain my perspective again (being stuck between loyalty to my friend and someone i wasn’t super close with at the time), but she didn’t like that and felt like i was still justifying it instead of taking accountability. I mentioned the fact that i might not even be here in a month (planning on leaving to another area), so it felt important to share before i go. I said i wanted to give her clarity. and shes gonna forget about me in the long run. which. maybe i shouldnt have said that but its how i felt. i dont feel like a saint or hero for telling her, it was truly supposed to be friendly random covo. She said she feels guilty that i went behind my friends back to tell her, but i told her its not her fault and it wont affect anything. covo summary below.

emily starts by saying “idk how to feel about this” and explains she feels like I was part of the problem because I didn’t tell her things and it sounded like I was justifying my friend instead of holding them accountable when they hurt her. I’m like “I didn’t mean to justify it, those were just the reasons she gave me,” and she responds with “idk how to reply without saying you’re part of the problem.” I try to get her to see my POV, saying I was listening to my close friend who told me not to say anything, and she admits she understands but is still hurt, especially since she actually liked (and loved) Emin and others knew that while they were dating. ( i was unaware and mentioned that, literally asking did u actually love him which was prob a lil rude but i didnt know) She says it feels like we didn’t care enough about her, she thought we were “cutesy and awesome.” I apologize and ask how to fix it, but she says she doesn’t know and even questions if we’re good people, while still saying she wants to be friends with me. I explain I was trying to protect my friend more than anything, but she says “not enough,” and is also conflicted because I went behind my friend’s back to tell her, which she appreciates but also feels guilty about. I get confused asking “so did you want me to tell you or not,” and she clarifies she’s glad she knows but feels weird about how it happened. Then things get weird where she starts thinking I only told her because I might be leaving anyway (because i let her know i might be leaving soon so this was just supposed to be a moment of clarity given to her), and I’m like “what?? that’s not what I meant,” trying to explain I just wanted to give her clarity since everything would be forgotten over in a few months. shes kind of dry with “okay,” while I’m trying to make sure she doesn’t see me as a bad person. In the end, she reassures me she doesn’t think I’m a snake and says she sees me as “kind and funny and cool,” but she’s tired and still doesn’t really know where she stands with me.

see at the time I was really confused as to why she would bring this up just to end of with saying im a cool person. Like you are clearly confused about where u stand with me and this can have an affect on us so why are you reassuring me about our relationship instead of just. Explaining why you don’t see me the same way. or giving me a way to make it up to u. I kinda don’t know if this is really an AITJ post. things feel kinda weird between us. she says she still likes me as a person and wants to be friends, but also says her trust is messed up and she doesn’t know where she stands with me. i honestly didn’t mean to hurt her, i just felt guilty and wanted her to know the truth eventually. I just wanted to know am I wrong in this situation. I do really like this girl. So I don’t want it to end like this if I do leave. She has a lot of close online friends so we could really js be online friends and we stay the same. But idk. Was I too rude? Was I supposed to not say anything? Should I have left it alone? Do my points make no sense? Idk. Some reassurance. I find it hard to understand ppl recently. I admit i prob shouldnt have spoken from my pov so much but i literally thought she was mad this entire covo so i was trying to prove myself in a sense.

TDLR - I shared information that was hidden from a friend that my close friend told me not to share, and im wondering if im wrong for withholding the information or sharing it at all

(dont let this change the impact of the story but from this point she has unfollowed ME instead of Betty (like why did the me, the messenger receive this treatment instead of someone actually involved in the situation) on multiple platforms but im still confused as to whether I am wrong at all. like how’d I become the problem if that makes sense. this story is a bit older and I have decided to stop talking to her before she did start ignoring me/unfollowed me. but like literally what did I do 😭 And also one of my other friends hated her so I feel so stupid for being nice to her)

okay so i need to know if im wrong for this. fake names: me, my close friend betty, a girl i got close to a few months ago emily, and her ex boyfriend emin. this is a heavily summarized version. wrote over 20k words abt this cuz its been beating me up. theres alot of text conversations etc etc.

so while emily and emin were dating, betty became friends with emin (emily wanted them to be friends). about a month into that, emin starts telling betty about sexual thoughts/dreams he’s having about other girls while he’s still dating emily. super weird, uncomfortable, corny type of stuff. betty shut it down and told him never to say that again, but she didn’t tell emily. she also didn’t tell me until like a month later. i hated him for this and couldnt look at him the same. he was corny to me from before, but a perverse cheater? worse

when she told me, i was mad she kept it from emily. i felt like emily deserved to know her boyfriend was acting like that. but betty said she was scared of backlash and begged me not to say anything, so i didn’t. i felt guilty about it the whole time but didn’t want to go behind my close friend’s back.

fast forward, emily and emin break up. she moves on pretty fast and starts talking about how weird/immature he was, how much she hates him, etc but she still didn’t know what he did. over time me and emily get closer, and every time she talked about him i felt guilty knowing the truth.

eventually i told her. but the way i told her wasn’t super planned, it kinda came up in conversation. i also mentioned that he’s been acting suicidal recently because of the breakup (which i heard from betty). she felt bad for him at first, which surprised me, so i told her the truth about what he did while they were dating.

she was disgusted, but then got upset at me and betty for never telling her. she kept asking why we didn’t say anything. i tried to explain that betty was scared and i didn’t think emily really cared about him like that, but that just made things worse. she said i made assumptions about her and that it ruined her trust.

the conversation turned into a whole thing about whether we’re actually close friends or not. we both admitted we do see each other as close, but she felt hurt that i didn’t tell her sooner and kept trying to justify it. she said she doesn’t think we’re bad people but that we didn’t care about her enough in that moment.

later on she brought it up again and basically said i’m part of the problem too for not telling her when it happened. i tried to explain my perspective again (being stuck between loyalty to my friend and someone i wasn’t super close with at the time), but she didn’t like that and felt like i was still justifying it instead of taking accountability. I mentioned the fact that i might not even be here in a month (planning on leaving to another area), so it felt important to share before i go. I said i wanted to give her clarity. and shes gonna forget about me in the long run. which. maybe i shouldnt have said that but its how i felt. i dont feel like a saint or hero for telling her, it was truly supposed to be friendly random covo. She said she feels guilty that i went behind my friends back to tell her, but i told her its not her fault and it wont affect anything. covo summary below.

emily starts by saying “idk how to feel about this” and explains she feels like I was part of the problem because I didn’t tell her things and it sounded like I was justifying my friend instead of holding them accountable when they hurt her. I’m like “I didn’t mean to justify it, those were just the reasons she gave me,” and she responds with “idk how to reply without saying you’re part of the problem.” I try to get her to see my POV, saying I was listening to my close friend who told me not to say anything, and she admits she understands but is still hurt, especially since she actually liked (and loved) Emin and others knew that while they were dating. ( i was unaware and mentioned that, literally asking did u actually love him which was prob a lil rude but i didnt know) She says it feels like we didn’t care enough about her, she thought we were “cutesy and awesome.” I apologize and ask how to fix it, but she says she doesn’t know and even questions if we’re good people, while still saying she wants to be friends with me. I explain I was trying to protect my friend more than anything, but she says “not enough,” and is also conflicted because I went behind my friend’s back to tell her, which she appreciates but also feels guilty about. I get confused asking “so did you want me to tell you or not,” and she clarifies she’s glad she knows but feels weird about how it happened. Then things get weird where she starts thinking I only told her because I might be leaving anyway (because i let her know i might be leaving soon so this was just supposed to be a moment of clarity given to her), and I’m like “what?? that’s not what I meant,” trying to explain I just wanted to give her clarity since everything would be forgotten over in a few months. shes kind of dry with “okay,” while I’m trying to make sure she doesn’t see me as a bad person. In the end, she reassures me she doesn’t think I’m a snake and says she sees me as “kind and funny and cool,” but she’s tired and still doesn’t really know where she stands with me.

see at the time I was really confused as to why she would bring this up just to end of with saying im a cool person. Like ur clearly confused about where u stand with me and this can have an affect on us so why r u reassuring me about our relationship instead of just. Explaining why you don’t see me the same way. or giving me a way to make it up to u. I kinda don’t know if this is really an AITAH post. things feel kinda weird between us. she says she still likes me as a person and wants to be friends, but also says her trust is messed up and she doesn’t know where she stands with me. i honestly didn’t mean to hurt her, i just felt guilty and wanted her to know the truth eventually. I js wanted to know am I wrong in this situation. I do really like this girl. So I don’t want it to end like this if I do leave. She has a lot of close online friends so we could really js be online friends and we stay the same. But idk. Was I too rude? Was I supposed to not say anything? Should I have left it alone? Do my points make no sense? Idk. Some reassurance. I find it hard to understand ppl recently. I admit i prob shouldnt have spoken from my pov so much but i literally thought she was mad this entire covo so i was trying to prove myself in a sense.

TDLR - told new friend information best friend told me to withhold before getting her permission, and new friend doesnf know how to feel about me anymore because I also withheld it. should I have just said nothing? did I handle this wrong?

Is it wrong to be friends with people your closer friend hates? Not a criminal, morally wrong person or anything of the sort, just during their friendship the person treated my friend bad. My close friend was friends with this girl. she spoke very highly of her. Infact, my close friend compared their relationship to ours. I get introduced to her, and we chit chat yadayada. Things start going downhill between them with the friend ignoring my close friend. They stopped being friends. the new girl i met is still confused about what happened cuz my close friend didnt really explain what she did wrong to her/other issues that led up to the split. Before she ignored my close friend, my close friend stated that the girl was wishy washy from before, but didnt specify.

But i supported, infact i actually agreed and thought she was ignoring her too. i feel like i should add that the new friend doesnt even hate my close friend. shes just sad it ended the way it did, and idek if she meant to ignore her or treat her badly but she still ended up doing it. She has some bad traits, and i can see how it came up during our friendship and the friendship between her and my close friend. But then we became closer friends. she spoke to me and i enjoyed it, maybe like once or twice a day and never over my close friend. I never tried to bring them back together or bring one around the other, i just spoke to them when they asked/when i wanted. Id go over to her sometimes and chat, but never left my other friend alone as she has other close friends that she could talk to other than me, so i felt less guilty abt it.

Anyways, idk how i feel abt the close friend getting angry abt me speaking to this person. Like it feels unfair to me to be limited in a friendship, and be treated differently especially about such a surface level friendship. I do get why she was angry at times, but i get it much less seeing as one of my other close friends is friends with a person that did her dirty. and she doesnt care. like how do u care abt me being friends with this girl who i was a lil infatuated with, but not my other friend who talks to this girl everyday. It feels so pointless to have tension over this, and im actually confused as to why it even matters.

Not to mention, said girl i am infatuated with doesnt even really talk to me anymore. so it feels like im losing two friendships in one action for...simply nothing? ive already resolved in my head that i wouldnt be friends with her anymore and told my close friend that, but that wasnt enough and i think shes upset i didnt do it when SHE asked me to. but i think thats a little controlling. i still want to be friends with her. but im angry at the fact that this is bringing tension between us and ive already explained everything here to her, but it still has the same result. So i was wondering, am i the jerk for this? I know in the end i look stupid because no one ended up on good terms, but i was wondering if i was wrong from the very start.

TDLR i became friends with a person my close friend hated because they fell out and im wondering if that’s wrong