u/Szczyl2137

I recently realized that for many years my primary identity was „depression and isolation struggler”, not just „depressed guy”, not „guy treating depression” but specifically a guy who is identifying with the unfruitful struggle itself. The vast majority of things i did out of my own initiative were falling into 2 categories, either „morbid escapism” (gaming, social media, junk food, porn, recently also smoking) or „depression counteracting” (physical activity, supplements, hanging out with people, educating myself)

The problem with identifying with the struggle is that every day i wake up to a life i desperately need to „fix”, its overwhelming and it reinforces the idea in my mind that my default state is that of a self destructive guy and that i need to fight against that, i didnt think that way before i became depressed, so I do not believe self-destruction is actually an inherent part of my nature. When i live a satisfying day, it feels like a single victorious battle in the endless depression war, instead of being just that, a satisfying day.

I want to take things more at face value again, not label everything as bad or good, progress or failure

What can a 22 year old man with no romantic experience, no job, currently not studying (recently failed a semester, will reattempt uni but maybe a different field) identify with that isnt inherently negative and how can i work on that? What do you identify with? People are complex so its probably a combination of different things

For the majority of my teenhood I was lonely and depressed living in the countryside. For the two final years of high school, I thought the solution would be to move to a big city. It just seemed logical, being physically closer to more people should make socializing easier compared to living in a home in the countryside where I got traumatized and spent years getting used to a lifestyle of a shut-in. It was clear that the reason I was so lonely was because I didn’t put enough effort into meeting new people, because I was so used to loneliness.

This is not the first time I’m living by myself. I had a trial of that when I worked abroad in Germany for 4 months last year. I was doing perfectly fine. Did all my duties on time, kept my room clean, prepared food for myself almost every day, I even worked out. But the major difference is I had a couple of friends there, I only met them after arriving there, they were my coworkers, and they lived in the same residential complex as me.

Now I live in one of the biggest cities in my country. I’ve lived here for almost 3 months already. I’m already working my third job here. I was fired from the first one for poor performance, it was a job as a peddler, wasn’t best for meeting new people because I spent the majority of my time by myself, only seeing coworkers in the office at the start and end of a shift because we had to meet in the office. My second job here was as a food delivery guy, it was okay but I didn’t get to work a lot of hours, so I had to quit it because I wouldn’t get enough money to pay off rent. Again working solo, no opportunity to meet coworkers.

My third and current job is at a car rental company, 12 hour shifts three times a week, it’s quite stressful and I mostly work night shifts which is very bad for my health. This is solo work as well. I expected to get hired at a shop, restaurant, or a warehouse, fixed working hours, places filled with coworkers my age, but that did not work out.

I’ve made a few attempts to try to get to know some of my coworkers, despite rarely even seeing them at work, but it only resulted in a hangout once. We agreed to grab a beer together with a couple of his friends in his town, which is right next to my city. Unfortunately, the situation became overwhelming for me due to anxiety, and I had to leave early. It was very embarrassing for me and we did not get to talk much. I did not try to hang out with him again after that.

I also tried to meet people outside of work in casual, everyday situations, but nothing really came of it. I exchanged contact details with a couple of people I briefly talked to, but the conversations didn’t continue. I understand that this can happen, especially when interactions are very brief. I also looked online for people from my city, but without success. I also reinstalled Tinder, got more matches than I expected, but I’m currently just too depressed to put any energy into actually texting them.

I’m also a student at a university in a neighbouring city, I swapped to this one from one closer to my family home. A whole group full of new people to meet, it’s part-time studies, should be a pretty easy place to meet people, we have in-person classes every two weeks, but I messed up by skipping in-person classes twice, simply felt too horrible to attend due to migraine and sleeplessness.

So basically I’m lonely here for the same reason I was lonely in my family home, not putting enough effort into socializing.

My lifestyle got worse too. Barely any physical activity, gaming addiction, eating a lot of junk food, started drinking beer and smoking cigarettes by myself, which I only ever did with company before, I also started drinking a lot of caffeine, including energy drinks, which I don’t think a night shift at the car rental job would even be possible without. I suffer from pelvic floor muscle tension which causes a constant burning sensation, quitting all alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine is recommended by my doctor.

I’m worried if it keeps going like this, I might actually fail to pass the semester at the university, that would be quite bad. I barely listened during online lectures too, I have ADHD, so they are extremely difficult for me to focus on. I currently have no idea what I need to do to pass. Skipping 2 days in a part-time university is already quite a big deal.

If I go back to my family home I would either have to swap back to my former university, or I will have to drive 1.5h every two weeks to the one here (1.5h is not too horrible, but it would be an unpleasant reminder of my failure).

I also have to mention my apartment is a total mess at the moment. I never ever let my living space be so filthy before.

I see 3 ways out of this situation:

1.Keep trying to make this work by putting more effort (not certain if I’m capable of this in my current state)

2.Quit the car rental job, look for something less stressful and harsh on my health, might make it easier to get other stuff done

3.Go back home, at least for a couple of months, focus primarily on my mental and physical health and passing the university. I have my own car now, so living in the countryside would be more manageable now

the upside of this whole experiment is it made me get rid of the delusion that everything will be magically alright once i move out. It was holding me back for a while. Whether i stay in the city or go back home, what i really need is therapy and genuine effort.

Summary:

I moved from the countryside to a big city thinking it would fix my loneliness, but after 3 months I’m still isolated, depressed, and doing worse mentally and physically. My jobs here have all been solo/night work, making it hard to meet people and harming my health. I’m struggling with ADHD, anxiety, pelvic floor pain, and bad habits (junk food, gaming, caffeine, alcohol, smoking), and I’ve already skipped important university classes. My apartment is a mess and I feel overwhelmed. I’m torn between forcing myself to keep trying in the city, quitting my stressful job to stabilize, or moving back home temporarily to focus on health and passing university. The main lesson: moving out didn’t magically fix anything. I need therapy and real effort regardless of where I live.