u/TaintScratcherMaster

This is just a vent post about something that's been bothering me. I'm 5 months post-dday, but this occurred a while before and then within the first month following dday.

Tldr: husband lied to his friends about me which made them not like me for many years. Found out about it one night when forming a friendship with husband's best friend's wife. After dday, friend offered support if I needed it. Husband had a crisis and involved his best friend, the circumstances of which were unimaginably stressful for everyone involved. When I reached out for help, she rescinded her offer and I acted selfishly. These chains of events have been bothering me the last few days upon reflection and I'm just sharing for the sake of sharing, I guess.

Back last year, on my birthday, I had who I thought was friend invite me to their house for a sleepover/girls' night and we were going to go get pedicures the next day together. Her treat. I was ecstatic. Never had a pedicure before and I was looking forward to a girls' day/night, since I hadn't had one since I was a teenager. This woman was married to my husband's best friend and the plan was to swap spouses for the night and following day so we could all do our own thing and have fun.

The reason for the spouse swap wasn't just for funsies. My husband had recently been experiencing suicidal ideation, was pink slipped earlier in the year, and the offer to swap was as just as much to give me a mental break as it was to make sure my husband wasn't alone and was kept safe.

So, we have dinner, make brownies together for dessert, bust out some coloring books and the shrinky dinks machine. It was fun. And then we start talking.

She asked me about my husband's suicidal ideation and what had been going on at home. I truly believe she was being genuine and sincere, so I told her the truth. That my husband had been lashing out on me for years. That he'd turn around every argument on me and then threaten suicide when he became dysregulated. And she said something to me that I still, to this day, can't believe.

"Wow. I didn't know that about [husband's name]. He told us you were the one who threatened to kill yourself. That's why me and [her husband] were kind of standoffish because we didn't think you were good for [husband]."

For YEARS I would mention to my husband how I didn't think they liked me very much and I didn't know why. For YEARS I asked him about it. YEARS. And he always reassured me that they liked me just fine and I was reading too much into things.

I was stunned. I literally couldn't believe it.

Anyway, night went well, next day was fun. Cue dday.

My husband confessed to the betrayal on March 6th. Prior to telling me anything, he'd told his best friend and his wife what he planned to tell me and asked if they had a bed open for him that night in the case of me wanting him to leave. This is the only foresight my husband has ever had revolving around his infidelity. I did want him to leave and they took him in that night.

Friend texted me, asked if I was doing all right all things considered. Told me she was sorry for what's happened and told me she'd be there for me. That if I ever needed a place to go, let her know, because she'd let me come over. She also mentioned that she believes I should leave my husband because this situation isn't good.

Inbetween this and the following interaction, my husband had his own 'crisis.' He convinced his best friend to take him to an inpatient hospital to be committed. Due to the current circumstances, I had to call and stop them. I had told my husband prior that he needed to talk to his therapist to find out what treatment plan he needs moving forward. That I was going to ask my own therapist if she had any recommendations because most of her clients dealt with the disorder my husband has. We had agreed he wouldn't make any rash decisions right now due to his new diagnosis. So while I was in my session, my husband decided the best course of treatment would be inpatient while my counselor was telling me that inpatient is absolutely the LAST thing he should seek out, unless actively planning something. That it would do more harm than good, and instead should try an IOP centered around his disorder. I believe this experience is what directly led to the following situation.

A few weeks later, after a heartbreaking argument about the infidelity, I reached out to her to take her up on the offer. And she told me that she couldn't help. That after speaking with their own counselors, she and her husband decided that they have to step away from the situation and enforce their own boundaries about it. I told her that I didn't understand. She said that they could pay for 2 nights at a hotel for me, but after that neither of them would step in to directly intervene. And to be honest, my response wasn't great. All I said in return was "so you weren't going to let me know until I asked for help?" And she never replied. I haven't talked to her since.

I feel guilty for that. Like I was indignant. I surely don't expect anyone to have to help me. And I absolutely want people to take care of their own mental health before setting themselves on fire for others. At the time I was in crisis and on reflection, overstepping. I don't want to be like that. A part of me still feels very hurt over the rejection though. Grief over the loss of a friend. But I understand why the situation was too much. Still sucks though.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I'm just sharing something that hurts, I guess.

TLDR: My husband’s potential therapist—whom I have never met and never signed a treatment consent with—issued a written clinical assessment of my mental health and a prescriptive treatment plan for me based entirely on a brief chat with my temporary fill-in counselor. When we called out this boundary violation and asked for a basic ADHD/OCD accommodation, he flatly refused, claimed his format was "non-negotiable," and immediately backpedaled on his own words. We broke off the relationship immediately, but I want to know: is it even remotely ethical for a clinician to do this? 

My husband met with a CSAT back a few weeks ago. We were supposed to have a joint appointment together today, but it has since been canceled due to some really weird things that have happened.

I have really bad auditory information processing because of ADHD. I watch all movies and shows with captions, can't listen to audiobooks because I can't pay attention, no podcasts unless it has a video format with captions, and I can't listen to radio talk shows because, again, I have a hard time processing the verbal info. Every job I've ever had, I needed either hands on or written instructions because verbal communication just doesn't stick. I promise this is absolutely relevant.

So, my husband cheated on me. He was going to work with this therapist to facilitate a full disclosure. I have my own team: an indivual counselor, I start EMDR next week, and I go to a weekly betrayal trauma support group. And my husband also has his own counselor. We both see a psychiatrist for medication management. We had asked this guy, in regards to full disclosure, for me to be able to read the disclosure document instead of having my husband read it aloud. It is a necessary accommodation for my ADHD, and given the context of the document, a necessary means for me to stay regulated and safe. I would not be able to process the information if it is given to me verbally. And the in and out attention of such a heavy subject would not be good for my emotional state or my other mental health issues.

I signed an ROI with my individual counselor a few weeks back for this appointment. I have diagnosed, and medicated, ADHD, OCD, and PTSD. And currently, the counselor I see, is a temporary fill in I've only been with for about a month because my regular counselor is on maternity leave.

So, my husband gets an email a few days back from this guy. He says his therapeutic recommendation based on clinical findings is that full disclosure is not possible at this time. He cites that both of our individual mental states are too dysregulated to do the process. He then outlines specific treatment recommendations for both of us, clearly stating our names for each, except for one in which he leaves it ambiguous: decrease in symptoms of borderline personality disorder. He wants me to go to a specific therapist and support group, which he outlined specifically for me.

I have NEVER signed a consent to treat with this guy. I've never even met him! How can he make clinical assessments on my mental state if he has never even seen me face-to-face? From my understanding, the ROI is just that: information. It's not a tool for him to use to evaluate, diagnose, and treat someone he has never met.

My husband emails the guy back, outlining my need for a disability accommodation and the inappropriate nature of designing a treatment plan for someone he has not been given consent to treat and neither has he met in person. And the CSAT responds saying that the process in non-negotiable and he never actually did a clinical assessment of me. He also said his list of "therapeutic recommendations" was actually just a generic checklist he gives out to every couple. And then he said we can go ahead and cancel today's appointment if we aren't agreeable to his terms. So we did just that.

But how is that a general checklist when it specifically mentioned an ambiguous reduction of borderline symptoms? And that line exists smack dab in the middle between a recommendation for me, and one for my husband specifically. And, again, it's ambiguous. It's not listing which one of us is expected to reduce those symptoms?

I don't know. It's weird and it doesn't feel right. How can a CSAT claim to be evaluating a couple's "readiness" while flat out refusing a disability accommodation for the betrayed partner? Is it standard practice for a therapist to document specific clinical directives and diagnostic commentary regarding someone who isn't their client and whom they've never even met?

Needed context: husband had multiple online affairs lasting 4-5 years. He confessed to said betrayal in early March. Queue ramping up individual counseling for both of us, an IOP program focused on DBT for him, scheduling with a CSAT for full disclosure, and starting marriage counseling about a month ago. Husband is diagnosed BPD and I am diagnosed OCD.

So last week my husband got a positive on an STD panel I'd asked him to do. He basically got an extended panel done and tested positive for a not-really-an-STD but is-included-on-an-extended-panel-STD. Ureaplasma, for those interested. Common flora that causes UTI symptoms and potential BV if an overgrowth occurs. Didn't know what it was yet, but immediately entered fight or flight upon him saying his tests came back positive because, duh, infidielty trauma.

And at the first sign of me getting upset he immediately jumped on the defensive and started minimizing it. Classic post-infidelity type stuff. And I had asked him, "Why are you so hell bent on invalidating me?" To which he replied, "I find your feelings overhwelming." Bullshit response, in my opinion. Came across as a pseudo-blame game, as if my reasonable upset over a positive STD test is because I'm being dramatic and not because my husband was cheating on me for years. But I digress.

We had a marriage counseling appointment the same day as the positive test result. And I relayed the above mentioned situation. Our counselor said to me, and I quote, "It seems like you're searching for a specific answer. Have you thought that maybe you shouldn't ask certain questions if you're not ready to hear hard truths about yourself?"

What. The. Fuck?! I didn't even ask about me! I asked about him and why his actions are what they are. Which shouldn't have anything to do with me!

She also said some other troubling things to us that session, such as telling my husband explicitly what I would like as an answer and that I need to allow him time out space when his emotions get too much in these moments. And, ya know, maybe this would be good advice if we were arguing about chores instead of infidelity consequences? Because everything I've read says the betraying partner has to sit with those uncomfortable feelings when I'm emotional and to validate me. And that he's not supposed to walk away at my most vulnerable unless I ask him to do so, because of the common avoidant nature of unfaithful partners. Especially in the immediate aftermath of discovery.

And due to his history of appeasement placation, I don't want to give him a play-by-play book of responses in fear that he will use it to further manipulate me. I just don't want him to use me as an excuse for his actions. I want actual reflection and meaningful answers, not surface level non-chalance or flippant excuses.

I guess I'm just here to ask if this is normal? I get that in marriage counseling, the relationship is the client, but this felt almost like I'm expected to share part of the blame of my husband's infidielty. I didn't consent to that! I didn't contribute to it. I didn't decide any of it. He did all that TO me. I didn't have a say. And I find it kind of gross that this almost seems to be chalked up to, like, a communication problem? When I know good and goddamned well that has nothing to do with a cheater deciding to cheat.

Phew! Sorry for the long post and semi-rant nature of it. I've been on a hell of an emotional rollercoaster these days and I'm pretty angry about how this all transpired. So thank you to any who read this post and thank you for anyone who decides to comment and offer advice.