It Gets Better
Hi guys! New to this group & have been scrolling reading all of your stories and experiences 🩵. I love you all and I am sorry for what we all collectively experienced.
I just wanted to come on here and say it does get better! Healing is possible and a life better than and safer than what some of you have ever imagined is absolutely possible.
I have CPTSD, mom has BPD (No contact), dad has CPTSD (untreated so currently very low contact), sibling is a golden child (I am slowly distancing myself).
I’ve been in psychodynamic therapy for almost a decade. A few years short of that, and wow my life has gotten so much better. I am in a long term relationship that’s really fulfilling & safe (wasn’t always perfect, but we learn and grow together now). I’ve really been focusing on my social life and making sure I have anchors for activities during the week. I’ve been taking better care of myself physically (not perfect, but growing), and I can actually keep my place clean and usable (also not perfect but it’s enough).
For those of you who feel stuck (like we all do sometimes - or sometimes, all the time), i wanted to share things that help!
I read somewhere on Reddit that having CPTSD means that your body feels unsafe, and there are little things we all do that show our body that we are unsafe. For example: do you use the restroom when you feel like you need to go? Or do you hold it?
Of course if you still live with people who make you feel unsafe or if you’re significantly financially dependent these things might be harder to do, but here’s what I’ve been doing that’s been helping!
- I go to the bathroom when I need to go (unless it’s like really inconvenient- I still bargain with myself if I have to pee in the middle of the night 😂)
- I started actually taking my vitamins. This is based on my bloodwork from my doctor. Our bodies use more resources because they are more stressed out. Running on empty is harder for us. I used to literally sit on my couch all day and get terrible mean thoughts & flashbacks. I had no control. I started taking vitamins consistently and those terrible voices calmed down fairly quickly. I of course still get flashbacks but they are more specific things that I can work on with my therapist.
Also - part of why it’s easy for me to take my vitamins is I got a pill case that I actually like and use. It’s very sleek & got me excited about the pills. Once the excitement over the case wore off though, I saw the positive benefits of the vitamins and now I’m scared to stop taking them 😂. Happy to share what I take also, but again I want to be careful to not be prescriptive.
3.
- Find a good therapist! Find someone who is psychodynamic, and check their reviews! I used psychology today or something to find my therapist.
(I know, you probably already know this one! I just wanted to include it to emphasize the importance)
4.
- Make your social life a priority & make sure it’s varied. We are a group of people who were pushed into isolation a LOT. I think this category will look different for different people based on circumstances. You might feel like you have no one right now, and that’s ok! It’s only up from here!! This one I can’t give direct advice on but I can share a bit about what I did.
I had a really tough year last year (my mom & her BPD and her weaponizing my whole extended family on that side against me). I had hope, and that was exploited. I know better now. But that left me in a place where I had to rebuild my social life. I needed a lot that year, I wasn’t the best friend, or the best partner. I do have a group of guy friends who have been with me through the worst of it (some of who have parents similar to mine). And no, internet, I am not a pick me - I love their girlfriends and wives and spend time with them too! They also love and spend time with my boyfriend.
I was seriously missing girl time. So I started.. slowly trying to work on that. I love makeup and one day I was cleaning my makeup brushes at home. I thought of how many people I know who don’t know that they should do that, or how often, or how (hey, no judging). So I thought it would be fun to host a makeup and makeup tool cleaning party! This was me, making an active effort. I sent an invite to 15 gals & only about 5 replied at all. Out of the 5 only 2 were able to make it. Out of those 2 - one of their cars broke down, and the last person dropped the day of because she had a more than average tummy ache (I know she was telling the truth).
But that was REALLY SAD. There were some people on that list who I am very close to that didn’t even respond. I had bought things they could use to clean their makeup and made little goodie bags for people who were going to join (stuff to clean their brushes).. I worked so hard and no one showed up. I was like crying on my couch feeling like a kid who had no one show up to their party. In that moment I decided to reach out. I called a couple of my guy friends and they made me feel better. They’re a little older and they said “you know, the older you get, you just don’t sweat the small stuff. People get busy, things happen, and it’s ok.” And I knew that but it was nice to hear it from someone else. And even though I felt alone, I realized, hey this moment is proving to me that these friends pick up the phone for a chat.
So I kind of started to keep a mental note (you could literally make a physical note if you want to). Just a list of people who pick up the phone when I call, or respond to my invites, or have the intention of showing up but life got in the way. I realized that I am not alone, and I do have some people, and those are the people I need to focus on continuing to build with, and not sweat the small stuff over the people I wanted to be there. Another thing I learned is just because this party was a flop, doesn’t mean I need to give up! People were genuinely interested in joining, but scheduling got in the way, so I tried again! I had 2 people show up!! It was so fun! And one of them and I have a standing hangout once a week. We do different activities together and drink a Diet Coke ◡̈. I also call people who I know will pick up. Just for a random chit chat during the week. I wouldn’t say my life is stress free. I am in the process of distancing myself from family members & they do often pull some shit as a result, but now I have more support for any day that’s harder. Sometimes these chit chats are family drama and sometimes they’re just chit chats.
I also have a standing hangout with my neighbor each week & I have been connecting with family friends and extended family. I run into a lot of people who don’t believe my experience when I choose to share it (because these people love my parent & have known this parent longer than I have & the abuse is covert). But I also found a couple of people who believe me fully. Who are attuned enough to have independently picked up on my family members mistreating me before I even knew, or once they heard some of what happened and is happening are unapologetically in my corner. I hold on to those people and I call them or spend time with them. Yes I am often shown how unsafe the people around me are, or how unsafe the world is, but I really do have these pockets of safety, and I just had to put in the work to find them. Also like I said, I have been in therapy for a long time so I am also in a place where I can have relationships with people without it making me feel automatically unsafe. This would look different for different people I think! Depending on where you are in your healing journey. At the same time, I don’t think it’s ever too early to start finding these safe spaces because I have some super close friends from before I went to therapy. And I’ve collected friends and safe spaces along the way over the years. Some have stuck, some haven’t. But things are overall better.
Also this is the internet, and I want to HEAVILY emphasize that I’m not a perfect person who has all her shit together. I do not. I have some intense stressors rn even outside of what I shared. And I have more trauma work to do on myself w my therapist. I will have bad days. Honestly, today is just an OK day so far, but I’m gonna do my best for me.
Well that ended up being a LOT longer of a post than I expected. But I really wanted to share that things can get better! You are loved and you deserve love just for being you 🩵. There is safety in the world, it just takes a little more effort for us to find it. The fact that you’re on a page like this, looking for support, shows that you’re onto something! I am proud of you 🩵.
P.S. I do have good amount of other little techniques and stories and such that help but baby (me) is tired and I will save those for another post one day!