u/Tao_theFreak

If you have seen my previous posts, I want to clarify that this is not about my 45s and parallels. This is about actual basics.

I do literally mean I can't do them. For skills like thumb flips they are very difficult for me to do because I have carpool tunnel and boxer's fractures on both hands. For left handed pop tosses I cannot do them because my left shoulder is messed up - has been since birth

I just feel like my coach doesn't care anymore. Especially today when we had a DCI performer come visit. During pop tosses she saw that I wasn't doing them and yelled at me to get with the group. I tried, I really did, but my arm can only go slightly above my chest, so she yelled at me again. Had me raise my left arm to "prove" that I can do the toss and I had to remind her that I can bring my arm up slowly because I am rotating it. She didn't care. Then again when we were doing thumb flips I dropped my flag twice and she asked what was wrong with me. I told her my hands hurt, and she just told me to go put on my other brace and hurry back.

At this point it feels like a me problem, so if any of you guys have tips for someone with carpool tunnel or messed up joints that would be awesome. I am just super tired of being treated like I'm less than my teammates, in and out of practice. The sooner I can blend in the better.

Okay, so when I was little we lived in both Canada and Russia for periods of time. We left Russia because my uncle is a high ranking officer so it wasn't somewhere my mom was comfortable, and we left Canada because I was having a really hard time learning to speak, but french was especially difficult. (My mom insisted on living near my aunt, so I had to know french to go to school)

The thing is, I hate it here.

I miss when I was a little kid. Everything wasn't constantly burning hot, and I didn't have to worry about the woods I like being torn down constantly. I just miss my childhood. I logically know I will never convince my parents to move back to Russia, but what about Canada?

What would I have to do to convince them?

My parents are not married, which makes this a lot harder, but if anyone has any ideas please share because this is something I have wanted ever since we moved back to the US.

Update for yesterday, it left my hands! I finally managed to get the flag to leave my hands for a 45. It doesn't look great, and it technically isn't even a 45 yet, but I believe that getting it out of my hands was the first step towards something great, and I am super excited to add this skill to my books. I am aiming to have the standard and end cap 45 by Tuesday (today is friday for future reference), and I think that is totally do able.

For anyone new who didn't see my last post, I broke my skull doing a 45 awhile back and finally got it to at least leave my hands which was all my teacher wanted. She admitted that she only told me she wanted me to fully have the tosses by today because she knows I work super well under pressure.

Not sure if you guys even want to hear about this, but I just thought I would give some kind of update, and eventually a video once I get my 45 to actually spin right.

Help, help, help, help. Context, I broke my skull a little while back doing a standard 45, as well as giving myself a gnarly bruise doing a 1 to 2 parallel. I hit my head a lot, but these ones stuck out to me and made it very difficult to do the skills.

That doesn't matter though, because my coach is irritated with me for not letting go and wants me to be able to let go AND catch a standard 45, cone into a standard 45, 1 to 2 parallel, and 1 to 1 parallel by TOMORROW.

I am so screwed. I don't know what to do. The logical conclusion is to fo outside and practice, but I just finished my chores and it is dark outside, so I'm not sure if I'll even be able to.

What am I even supposed to do at this point? I'll get in trouble if I don't do it, but my hands literally don't do what I want them to.

This entire thing is a vent, but I need to share my opinion in the only community that actually has any valid input on my feelings. Ig the moderators will just take this down if it isn't okay.

Just a little context, I am currently heading into my freshman year of guard, but my instructor has been teaching me for three years now. I am behind what she expects of me. This is mostly due to the fact that this is not the only sport I do. I also do Sword Arts (Sword - not sabre, baton, and firestick) which means I have a lot of bad habits when it comes to guard. Ex. My underbody is super bad because my instinct is to immediately put my arms down at my thighs, I also tend to over toss a lot. All of this contributes in, and I have the feeling that my instructor genuinely dislikes me, if not straight up hates me.

The issue is I cannot quit. I am stuck with this woman for the next four years with no choice because my dad doesn't believe that she dislikes me, he just thinks I'm not working hard enough. I am. I work so hard because again, I have to reset my brain everytime I pick up a flag vs the sword. I feel like sometimes I am working double as hard as everyone else because of this.

She doesn't even care honestly. She has no intentions on helping me get better. Just the other day I asked if she would even allow me to do baton later on (like when I am varsity) and she just simply said "You don't have the skills for marching band baton, so no". I know I don't, but I am able to teach myself, goddamn! She also would not let me use a school issued sabre even though I really wanted to learn because "well, I don't trust you to take our equipment home. You can buy your own". Which, by the way, she has let two different students in my class use school issues Sabres.

I am so ready to just put in the bare minimum, never get to varsity, never do anything note worthy, and just fade into the back so she doesn't have to think about me. I can't do that though. I have some skills, which in do very well, and I'm a very strong counter so I am almost always put in the row right behind our vets.

I just want to quit already. I feel stupid and selfish for wanting more, especially because when I ask for more she just treats me worse. I don't even find joy in the sport anymore. Not when I am getting stared down and scoffed at everytime I make a mistake. That, and I have disabilitys that make guard even harder and damaging for my body, so I would benefit from stopping now.

I'll add a trigger warning just in case.

Anyway, this nightmare started at an event that happened earlier today, where my dog hadn't wanted to go in his kennel which is not normal for him. Instead of finally coming over when redirected like he actually did today, in the nightmare he just ends up biting me. Whatever, I move on. Then, while he is in his kennel, I am getting things together so that we can go camping. While we are camping he is just constantly staring at me and trying to bite me whenever I attempt to pet him. Which, all comes to a head when we go down to explore a creak (something he loves doing irl) and he steps in the water once and just freaks out. Barking aggressively, nipping, and cornering me against some trees. Finally, I get him to calm down enough to finally let me walk back to my house. When we get there I just tell my grandpa that we need to take him to the doctor because something is definitely wrong. He says no, so I go to put him back in his kennel because it was dark outside, and he goes aggressive again. He won't go in his kennel, he won't go to his water bowl, everytime I open his food container he just snaps at me so I move and he eats the food by himself. Finally my grandpa agrees to take him to the doctor, but when I walk inside the house to grab my necklace (It's an heirloom, I wear it every day. Not sure if that matters) he is pushing on the door, desperately trying to get into the house, which he does because I feel so weak in this nightmare. Anyway, I go inside get my necklace and a stuffed version of him that I own (irl too). Once I come back outside my grandpa just put him in the bed of the truck without closing the hatch (we never let him ride in the back unless it's super short rides). I step up onto the footsteps on the back to close the hatch, but my grandpa just starts driving, and I fall off. That's when my dog finally seems to be going back to his normal behavior, because he went from sitting nicely in the makeshift seat I have in the bed to now very alert of my absence. Doesn't matter though, as the truck drives away too quickly, and now I am left on the ground, in the dark. Suddenly, completely out of the blue, another dog appears - very large, very creepy, and very much running at me. I don't run, but I can feel the pressure of my actual dog laying on my legs like he is supposed to when I am stressed or my blood pressure is too low. I end up getting attacked by this dog, but end up fine enough that I can walk back into my house where dozens of girls my age are just sitting their, talking so loudly and over each other so I can't understand a thing. I finally just reach my bedroom and pass out, where I finally woke up.

I am not sure if anyone actually cares to hear this, but I have nightmares all the time where I get severely injured or mutilated by someone or something, but I have never had this happen with my own dog before. He is my safe space, he is trained to protect me against both physical threats and medical ones, so having a nightmare where he just turns on me is making it so very hard to stop stressing out and crying right now.

I am not sure if this is the right subreddit, but relationship advice won allow minors to post, so I’m leaning on you guys. Also, title is the TL;DR

Anyway, here is the context. We are both fourteen, and I will refer to this girl as Day. Day moved to another county after third grade, we are now both going into high school. At one point in time, we did do long distance dating - which basically just meant going to places on FaceTime to pretend like we were on real dates and sending gifts across country lines. In the end, due to a very bad adult and long distances between us - we broke up.

So okay, that sounds like a typical middle school relationship, cool. But after we had broken up, she never stopped calling me her boyfriend. She would stop when I would be actively dating or talking to another person, but start it up again whenever I ended things with this other person. She would also get very angry and obsessive whenever something bad would happen in my relationships (Got cheated on, money trapped, and had a very toxic break up. If that gives a picture) Or even when I am in an okay relationship (I was talking to a girl who has a very similar name and appearance. Plus, how we met was also similar to me and Day’s start up. She got angry about that) Along side her giving me gifts still now, like necklaces and an expensive handkerchief for my academic competition.

I mean, I’ve asked her a few times if she just wanted to soft launch a relationship or even fully date again, but she always says no? She always says that she doesn’t want to get in my way of other relationships, which also makes no sense because I remind her all the time that I refuse to date again for a little while because of how scary my last relationship was. I am just so confused. I don’t dislike it, and I’m not uncomfortable with her actions so this is in no way a boundary issue. I just want to understand what is going on. Is she just holding onto me for later? She sometimes says she wishes she could date me long distance while also letting me be in relationships with other people, which I explained would be problematic and that I would just pick her and stay out of in person stuff’s. I think maybe that is why she doesn’t ever say yes when I ask, but I’m not sure.

Additionally, I want to ask if this is toxic in anyway. I can have the conversation with her, but I do not want to do anything that is baseless. Addition two, we have a language barrier because english is neither of our first languages (Her French, mine being a branch of mexico native) plus being in diff countries so sometimes we do understand the full weight of our words or the social norms around it.

First off, this is not the only subreddit I'll be posting this in, but I feel this is a great place to start.

To start, my SPED plan does state off the bat that I have PTSD. Normally, on a good day, it does not affect my school life in any way for my teachers. The only portion to it that has been discussed with every single teacher is that they should not be standing behind me during lectures, should not be shouting near or at me, and should not be teaching me (I also have a nerve damage around my body from that PTSD, so this one is really irking me)

Now that I have overshared, I feel that one of my teachers is constantly going against these requests. She has me at the back corner of her room, where she often stands against the counter directly behind me. I am also facing back front to her desk. The worst issue is, she is constantly touching me, and I mean constantly. My shoulders, back, HEAD, and my arm (where I have visible scars)

Just today alone I get kind of irritated with her, where she kept yelling right behind me and I directly spoke to her about my complaints. "Why are you yelling next to me? Y'know this is why my parents got a divorce!". That comment ticked her off a lot, but what else am I supposed to do? My next resort will be violence because she is genuinely making me feel unsafe in her classroom.

What am I even supposed to do at this point????

First off, this is not the only subreddit I'll be posting this in, but I feel this is a great place to start.

To start, my SPED plan does state off the bat that I have PTSD. Normally, on a good day, it does not affect my school life in any way for my teachers. The only portion to it that has been discussed with every single teacher is that they should not be standing behind me during lectures, should not be shouting near or at me, and should not be touching me (I also have a nerve damage around my body from that PTSD, so this one is really irking me)

Now that I have overshared, I feel that one of my teachers is constantly going against these requests. She has me at the back corner of her room, where she often stands against the counter directly behind me. I am also facing back front to her desk. The worst issue is, she is constantly touching me, and I mean constantly. My shoulders, back, HEAD, and my arm (where I have visible scars)

Just today alone I get kind of irritated with her, where she kept yelling right behind me and I directly spoke to her about my complaints. "Why are you yelling next to me? Y'know this is why my parents got a divorce!". That comment ticked her off a lot, but what else am I supposed to do? My next resort will be violence because she is genuinely making me feel unsafe in her classroom.

I feel that this post is more of a rant than an actua question, but I'll leave it with a real motive. What do I do? Why is my teacher doing this after being reminded of my SPED plan all year? Is she asking to get a rise out of me?

Edit: I have seen a few common comments and I want to clarify a little bit. Where she is standing is not a convenient spot for her or me. She is literally wedged between the cabinet and my chair, meaning I hit her with my chair legs every time I have to move my seat. It is also at a weird angle in the classroom, like I can't even see everyone from there (standing) and I'm taller than her. There is quite literally a carpet right next to my table that she can stand on, with cabinets to lean on, but rather she ends up right behind me. Also, I have no issue with yelling in general, and I understand that she has to yell every now and then because we are noisy middle schoolers. I do not understand, though, why she does it while standing right next to me constantly. It's just irritating. Not to say, that I also have very sensitive hearing (nothing due to my disability or sorts, my hearing has just always been quite good) so in a way it is actually abbit painful each time she yells right next to me.