u/TapTap4924

It’s been almost 6 months. She reached out after 3.5, we agreed to meet up, she flaked. I missed her weekly, but kept reminding myself that she was hollow, and that I can do better, but better has not come and I am somewhat scared to pursue anyone else, it’s like I don’t have the capacity to want to bond or pretend to care long enough for those emotions to form.

I just want her. The person I spent months bonding to, investing in, and being vulnerable/intimate with.

I never thought she would just discard me and never come back.

I called her last month but she didn’t pick up. She texted asking “what’s up” but I couldn’t bring myself to reply or to explain or to try to meet her again.

It’s like I’m in love with a ghost, bonded to and chasing a ghost.

What is the cure for this? Logically I know she’s not right for me, but emotionally I’m hooked. And I’m not looking for ‘right’ I’m looking for ‘enough’.

It crosses my mind she might be dating or have dated, but she would not have reached out if that was the case I think. She was single for 1 year before she met me and she had a long distance partner for 2 years, so it’s not unreasonable that she can go lengths of time without connection or needing to have a partner.

I’ve been through ups and downs, working on myself, longing for her, but now I’ve lost momentum and seeing her again will fix that, either through happiness or pain.

I live abroad, I have a shitty family back home, I have decent friendships but many are infrequent, long distance, and they have their own families/partners/jobs etc. I spend 90% of my time alone. When I spend time with the people I know locally, I don’t feel fulfilled, I often leave thinking “that was good for me mentally but ultimately a waste of time”. I have no support structures and I simply cannot find emotional peace or purpose/motivation unless I am doing it for someone I love or while witnessed or validated by someone I am romantically involved with.

In relationship (even bad ones, long distance ones, ones with low or too many emotions), life feels worth while.

Out of relationship, life feels almost pointless.

Can anyone explain this phenomena? And please help me find a solution, I’m at the end of my rope now, and I’m spiralling

I have 2 theories. I’m missing maternal validation /affection AND/OR my motivation/drive/executive function is externally regulated (due to adhd), it’s not intrinsic. In a relationship I receive both, validation (even passively), and I HAVE to perform to benefit my partner, and myself (for her, and for her image of me).

Background:

Parents divorced when I was 2, Dad got custody. My siblings are terrible people, drugs, gambling, selfish, broke/no savings, no futures. My dad is also broke somehow. Mother is rich but I have almost no contact with her (my choice).

I have Master’s degree in science and I’m attempting a PhD but after years of turning up I have little to no results. I probably have adhd. I have about €25k in savings.

OCEAN scores:

High openness, enthusiasm, neuroticism.

Low agreeableness, low conscientiousness

I make friends easily, I’m intelligent, deep, warm and funny. I sometimes also lose them easily by being stubborn or depressive (once I’ve known them long enough to show that side of me).

Relationship history:

First proper gf: lasted 3 years, lived together, she had the most loving caring family, we moved country together, cheated on me.

Few short term or long distance flings after.

Narcissist gf: lasted 2 months, made me sick for months after I broke up with her.

Avoidant gf: lived in my city (finally), lasted 7 months, broke up with me, told me she never loved any of her prior boyfriends or me, told me I’m a great guy.

My friends (who have married parents, loving siblings, and 4-5 year relationships), told me I “can’t keep blaming everyone but myself” and that I need to work on myself and try harder and develop routines. They’re not wrong but I find ‘fighting for’ and ‘loving’ myself extremely difficult and they are blinded by the privilege of having support structures.

With that in mind, let me give an example of the person I was in my most recent relationship, when I received less than the bare minimum but at least someone chose me:

I restarted my PhD, I figured out how to plan my experiments and write my thesis, I ate better, I gained weight, solved many problems, fixed my bike, communicated deeply and helped my father, I became kinder, more generous, cooked for my friends, cooked for my gf and myself, benched pressed my own body weight, started learning a language, cleaned my apartment regularly, talked with optimism, started believing in God, attended a church briefly, took my gf on holidays, improved my photography and cinematography, started learning to dance, truly believed I could achieve anything and even started enjoying video games and reading books more.

With bare minimum affection I was going to conquer the world, and look at me now, failing again, waiting to be saved again, and this cycle will repeat forever because no one commits these days and I cannot improve my family, my self esteem, or my intrinsic drive.

What am I supposed to do when I find no fulfilment or drive in this world without love? Am I weak or broken for needing this? So many men have my problems but they just ‘get on’ with life.

People are telling me to do therapy and get on meds for adhd which might help but these are poor and sad substitutes for the human necessity of connection and tribe.

This may be a little convoluted story below but in summary I need advice on:

What happens when my cabergoline runs out now my prolactin is in normal range?

Will my ED problems ever be fully resolve? Do I need to do something extra?

I live in Germany, in my late 20s. Primary doctor refused to prescribe me cabergoline “I don’t want the risks on my shoulders”. Went privately to an endo with all my blood work/brain scans but told her I’m only taking the appointment if she is likely to prescribe me cabergoline. Blood: 65 ng prolactin. MRI: 5mm

Told her I cannot afford regular appointments or private blood tests. My earliest publicly health (free) endo appointment is scheduled for late November.

She put me on 0.25mg cab twice a week. I had little to no side effects so I decided to take 0.5mg twice weekly instead because I’ve suffered low libido and ED issues the past year (or longer) and I couldn’t take it anymore, it fucked up my recent relationship and subsequently lead me to heart break, depression, and now I can’t focus and I’m stressed while I’m in the final year of my PhD. I asked my main doctor to test my sexual health 3 years ago because of libido issues and he only measured testosterone, I consider this a failure on his part, and I can’t say how long I’ve had a prolactinoma for but I suspect it became significant 1 year ago.

Anyway. After 6 weeks medicating I had another blood test, prolactin is below 10 ng now, libido is pretty high but I think it’s more that I’m using it to numb my life problems.

Maybe tmi but, still have mild ED, like I’ve never been as hard as I used to be and I can lose it rather quickly. And getting visually stimulated and getting random erections very rarely happens. Also, never seen this mentioned but when you’re not at maximum firmness, stimulation is way higher and so it’s much harder to last longer, but that’s just the cherry on top of all other issues.

So what do I do? I guess I’ll go privately once more when the cab runs out and maybe switch back to the low dose.

As for ED, people suggest all sorts of things, nitric oxide boosters (natural, or drugs), exercises etc but my whole life I never did any of that and I never had any issues getting or maintaining erections, until I was 23 ish, after I had covid, after moving country, after maybe developing the prolactinoma, and then having relationship issues, it all piled up at once.

With certain women however I had literally 0 issues. Last time that was the case was September 2024.

Any advice is welcome. Please save me.