20M tried coke more than a year ago... still feeling guilty no matter what
I've been to therapy, stopped smoking cannabis, nothing seems to help. The feeling that there is not coming back.. That im IN... thats what I feel. I feel like I stunted my development. Did coke just in the worst moment I could do it... And i feel that some people (like my parents) can tell i tried coke just by looking at my face.. because from that day... that one line.. I´ve never felt like the same person. It was one small line in my right nostril... so Im looking forward to find a balance.. Everything in the streets tends to the Left... I cant live with the assymetry.. im thinking of doing it again (I dont really know when).. Since that night no girl has talked to me.. I was a pretty handsome guy and all of a sudden my face changed because of that ONE use... Now nobody trusts me.. neither I do. Every place I go.. there she Is. Coke.. I will never get out of my mind the thoughts that come with the shame because they´re so deep.. so incarnate.. so pregnant.. In every place that I look... I fucked up the rest of my life.. Flushed all my dreams to the toilet. Just because that one line... Poor boy... poor 20 year old boy that turned into this that I'm now... I don't know who I am anymore. I just want to end this.. this trap that I fell into that only I can relate. Automatic thoughts, all day. Tried therapy, is not working. Just no way OUT...