u/Then_Reaction125

So, I won't be a creep, but I'll explain something. You're all welcome to judge me, but I was searching for some softcore pictures of women for my personal viewing pleasure, and I saw this r/. I was excited because I'm personally quite fond of this body shape. My wife is this body shape. I have to work hard to find this unique body shape in pictures. I'm sad to see that some of you aren't happy with it. I know that the male gaze isn't and shouldn't be the top priority in body positivity, but just know that there are many of us that still love your body the way it is. You're intrinsically valuable as humans, but I hope you also understand that you are sexy and deserve to know that you are desired because of your beautiful bodies, not in spite of. Your worth is far more than just how you look to men, but I think you all deserve to know that many of us genuinely like your body type.

Keep being sexy.

Hey. So, I've noticed that a really big trigger for my depression and subsequent self-harm ideation is the fact that I can't have sex as much as I want. I'm 38 cis/het male, married for 12 years, and my wife is going through her own health problems, mental and otherwise, making our sex life non-existent. She's never wanted to have sex. She's agreed to it a few times, which as a more enlightened man than I used to be, makes me feel gross and terrible. All of the advice I can find is about how to convince her to want sex, or how to be better at sex, or why I should leave her, or that I'm a bad person for wanting sex. I'm not looking for advice on how to get my wife to want to have sex with me. I'm looking for advice on how to cope. I'm looking for ways to lead a fulfilling life in the meantime. I'm looking for ways to feel valuable and loved even when I can't get laid. So much of a man's character is judged by whether or not he can have sex and satisfy a woman. The common narrative is that if you're wife won't sleep with you, you're a bad husband. Also, there's a narrative that if you want more sex than what your wife can give, then you're a horrible husband.

I'm on Vyvanse and Effexor, which have decreased my libido and made random tumescense less common, and it has actually been really helpful. But, emotionally, I'm left feeling like less of a person because I've put so much of my value on whether or not my wife wants to have sex with me. I get these overwhelming feelings of self-hate and shame followed by fantasies of being beaten to death. The only thing that gives me relief and staves off crying is hitting my head against something hard until I'm a little dizzy. I only do this with a helmet on.

I think this social view of measuring a man's worth on whether or not he can have sex is a cause for a lot of social problems we see today. The incel movement. The Manosphere, etc. The progressive side tends to judge men the same way. Basically saying that women will naturally want to sleep with you if you're a good enough person. The truth, though, is that there are a lot of people who simply don't want to have sex. Consent and desire can't magically be created by saying the right words or buying the right thing or looking the right way.

So, Id like to know how to feel like I'm enough, and like I'm getting enough when I can't have sex. How can I view sex the same way my wife does, and just stop wanting it? How can I feel good enough when she doesn't feel like touching me?

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Thanks

I tried comforting her, but my words seem to have no meaning to her now.