u/ThisIsSoRawYouGuys

Oh my god. Genuinely feel like crying everyday. Ever since I was little I've had short but wide feet. This led to me either choosing between pinched toes or too long shoes that had me slipping and sliding all over the place. I've been wearing skechers the last two years and have developed plantar fascitis. It got so bad I was limping after sleeping or sitting down. I also have hypermobility so wearing shoes with a heel causes me to slip forward and have developed hammer toes on several toes. It also hurts my ankles. I also have major supination leading to my little toe bending sideways and being kinda triangular. Along with this I have dyspraxia and fall over a lot. I've always felt unsteady going down hills and walking in general.

I thought this was normal for 30 years. I hated my feet because I have constant calluses and corns and my toes just grossed me out. My whole life I would immediately take shoes and socks off as soon as I got home and felt a huge sense of relief. I've always been completely barefoot at home and now I know why.

It's been a month since using these new shoes and my plantar fascitis is almost gone and I don't limp anymore. Going for a walk isn't painful anymore and actually 100% enjoyable! I don't have to accept pain as a necessary part of getting into nature. I have been working on the corns and calluses and they are almost gone. I bought some toe spacers and have been doing toe stretches. The guy in the stretching video said it might hurt to stretch my toes at first but it doesn't hurt at all lol. I can notice visible gaps between my toes already which is crazy because I thought it would take longer. The zero drop and feel of the ground helps me feel more secure and walking down hills no longer has me slipping. My ankles hurt way less. There is still some pain but I imagine I need to build more muscle there.

I've always hated the aesthetic of pointed shoes and strived to buy shoes that are round at the front. I wonder if this was my feet subconsciously calling for freedom lol. I really like the aesthetic of the wider toe box and I actually think my feet look nice now. The squished look was not it. I thought toe socks were kinda weird but after buying my first pair recently, I realised they actually look really cute.

Overall I'm really happy with how my introduction into the barefoot world is going. Now if only I could find some affordable mary-jane's that cater to the width of my foot...

I wrote a long ass post before about my thoughts up to episode 39. Thought I'd do another one as I have no one irl who has watched this and I'm bursting at the seams about this show.

When I saw the story about the god of peace, I almost spit my drink out. I feel like the show is trying to make us think that Anna is the god of peace. However, I had written about Tenma resembling God in the last post and I 100% believe that Tenma is supposed to be the God of Peace.

We haven't met Franz Bonaparta yet and I genuinely think it's Tenma.

Why I believe this:

- Franz Bonaparta conducted brainwashing experiments that made children forget their names and who they were

- Johan was part of this as heard on the tape and so was Anna as we saw with the hypnosis scene (terrifying btw)

- Johan appears to be brainwashed to kill at the command of someone else. We see evidence of this as the real monster arrives the night Johan killed the Lieberts. He didn't want to kill anymore so asked Anna to shoot him. Maybe he was commanded to tell Anna to shoot him?

- When Tenma saves Johan's life and says the hospital director et al deserves to die, this perhaps could have been an indirect command in which Johan obeyed and killed them

- When Johan kills Junkers, he tells Tenma that Tenma is a kind of parent to him because he gave him life. Bonaparta seemed to be in love with Johan and Anna's mother, shown by the drawings and painting. Perhaps he is their adopted dad, or saw himself that way. The connection of Tenma being a father figure of sorts, linked with Bonaparta being a father figure seems quite suspicious to me. Maybe Johan meant that Tenma actually gave life to the monster inside him through brainwashing

- We don't know much about Tenma's backstory at all except that he's an extremely talented neurosurgeon. Franz Bonaparta conducted experiments around brainwashing. Tenma more than fits the bill for this

- The experiments are said to be still happening

- No one is at Red Rose Mansion and the owner hasn't been there for a long time

- Both Nina and Johan seem to be very attached to Tenma

Here's my predictions:

Franz Bonaparta conducted the ultimate brainwashing experiment on himself by making himself forget who he is and finding a new name and life as Tenma the neurosurgeon.

The books he wrote and read to the children are a roadmap for how the experiment is supposed to play out as seen in the nameless monster (also the monster in these books have black stringy hair which reminds me of Tenma's hair). The God of Peace book represents Tenma because he's too busy helping others as brainwashed peaceful Tenma to look in the mirror to realise he is the actual demon/monster, Franz Bonaparta. Johan giving him the hat to make him finally look in the mirror may represent Johan's role in this experiment.

Tenma might be the experiment himself. Through the use of the books, Johan learnt that his job is to try and see if he can make Tenma remember who he is (i.e. the monster). I think Johan was brainwashed into following the plan subconsciously through regular book readings, where the children were constantly asked if they understood the meaning. Perhaps they are attempting to see if brainwashing can truly transform a person into either purely good or purely evil. Or maybe the experiment is to see if people can be influenced to act out a plan in supposed "free will" through the use of subliminal stories that guide the subconscious.

I wonder if Johan freaked out when he saw the book in the library because he remembered himself and who Tenma really is, and the plan he had been following subconsciously entered his active consciousness just for a moment. I find it interesting that when Johan snaps out of the brainwashing, he becomes emotional and internally freaks out. When Anna snaps out of the brain washing she turns aggressive and cold. It's like they become the inverse of each other.

These predictions would make sense to me because it seems that Tenma being the one to try and stop Johan in a story largely revolving around Johan and his backstory doesn't really make that much sense. Especially considering that there are other people who have been hurt way worse by Johan than Tenma. I know he feels responsible for bringing him back to life, but it just still feels like there's something missing. I still feel like I don't fully understand Tenma's motive and thoughts.

I love that this far into the show I'm still guessing. I'm probably wildly wrong but I wanted to write these thoughts before I finish the last leg so I can see whether my predictions were correct or not.

Johan's motive is as confusing as ever. At first I thought he was perhaps a child from an abusive home, and had a skewed view of the world, but he truly thought he was helping Tenma to repay for Tenma helping him.

Then I thought that he was messed up by the experiments at Kinderheim 511. However after realising that he caused the deaths at Kinderheim 511, I then thought he was just a sociopath. I believed he was empty inside like a doll. His actions and mannerisms do have a doll like quality about them, like he's empty inside. People described him as someone who likes to kill for the sake of killing. I initially agreed with this.

However, I was genuinely shook when he screamed and fainted at seeing the picture book. Now I think he's NOT empty inside. He is seen as fearless but there's something in that book that scared him. He does have a weakness.

The pictures at the end are the picture book which has confused me even more. Before I found out, at first I thought the images represented Johan ruining people's lives. However, I believe they have several representations. Firstly, that Johan is a "monster" forcing his way into people's lives to prove that there is a monster inside everyone, and that he is manipulating and worming his way into people's lives to manipulate and drag the monster out.

Secondly, I thought that the images might represent Tenma believing he is a monster because he saved the life of a serial killer. Now I wonder if the images represent Tenma's transition into a monster himself. We have seen he has already shot someone. It was in self-defense but he still willingly took someone's life to protect his own. He has crossed the threshold and even though he wasn't able to shoot Johan now, I think he will eventually do it with no issue. After all, his hands stopped shaking after he shot Roberto.

To circle back to Johan's motive. I believe that everything he is doing now is to try and reveal the monster in Tenma. Tenma seems to be the personification of goodness. He is a doctor who saves lives, he wants to rescue everyone in trouble and he enriches the lives of everyone he meets. To the point that they want to follow him around and will even break laws for him (his ex, Dieter, Nina etc). It's almost like they're obsessed with him (moreso his ex who was still hung up on him after 9 YEARS. Girl move on). Much in the same way that Johan is able to influence people to do his bidding. You could say they are two sides of the same coin.

However, the only person who knows that Tenma may have a dark side is Johan. Because Johan was there when Tenma privately expressed that the hospital director deserved to die. No one was supposed to hear it but Johan heard it. I think it's interesting that Tenma had this thought whilst sitting near Johan, like Johan was already negatively effecting him, even though he was not fully awake.

I think Johan decided to kill the hospital director and other hospital staff not to repay Tenma, but to instead start Tenma's journey into "evil" so to speak. Johan wants him to give into/reveal/slip into his dark side which is why he's constantly goading him into shooting him. Even Junkers death was solely to push Tenma even further down that road.

Johan said that Tenma is like a kind of parent to him because he brought him back to life. Now Tenma wants to take his life. The allegory here to religion and God is really interesting. I believe that Tenma attempting to give life and take life portrays him as God. On the other side of the coin, Johan is an allegory of Lucifer. He is called a demon by many and he is tempting and manipulating people into things. In a sense Tenma created Johan by bringing him back to life, and much like God, he is attempting to cast him out of "heaven". E.g. kill him.

Interestingly, the Kinderheim 511 thing reminded me of the Stanford Prison Experiment which produced "the lucifer effect", in which it is suggested that immoral acts can be committed by moral people if the conditions are right. In other words, bad situations can arise through power, mob mentality and dehumanisation. I wonder if Johan is attempting to act out the lucifer effect through his manipulations of people. I don't think he enjoys killing, I think killing is a means to an end in order to produce chaos and cause good people to do bad things. After all, it only took one night to manipulate Richard into drinking and falling to his death despite that Richard had worked for months to get better.

I think the reason why people find Johan so scary, like Schuwald did, is perhaps because he is able to easily see beyond their facade and can see the darkness inside them. I think he saw (heard?) the darkness in Tenma, and so his biggest project is to cause his downfall into evil.

In some religious texts, Lucifer resents humanity because they are able to be redeemed whereas Lucifer cannot. Therefore he attempts to corrupt them in order to spite God. I wonder if this matches the dynamic between Tenma and Johan. Is Johan attempting to spite Tenma by killing the humans that Tenma works so hard to save?

I'm really interested to see what happens. I could be completely off the mark but it's really interesting to try and predict what will happen next because this show is very unpredictable. Another thing I noticed is that Tenma and Johan have the same number of letters in their names. I wonder if this is a coincidence or a sign. Perhaps the twins in the story are not Johan and Anna, but rather they are Johan and Tenma. Maybe Johan is going to figuratively eat Tenma.

This song has been so cathartic to listen to, especially as of lately. My entire family are racist and the shit going down in the UK is only emboldening them. I feel like the black sheep of the family for not being racist 😭 I feel like my mum would actually listen and agree with the satire in this. It's fucking ridic.

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One of my favourite lines from this is "get an addiction. Cheat on your wife. That's how you deal with a difficult life."

I wrote this shit years ago as a joke. Yet it's gotten more attention than any of my gen stuff. I've seen it read out on a podcast, read by a fairly popular YouTuber in the fandom, read by a quite popular fanfic creator on tiktok. My friends tell me I'm their 15 minutes of fame because a couple people have mentioned the fanfic to them without even knowing that they know the writer. They weren't even in the fandom?! It even has an urban dictionary entry 😭

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Every day, I meet people and I wonder what they would think if they knew the duality inside of me. What would they say if they knew my magnum opus was this...thing. If only they knew that like Dorian Gray my moral corruption sits hidden away in the attic. Only to be disturbed by myself, returning to peer at it with both disgust and pride.

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Every time I think I've finally left it behind, that I've broken away from these chains, that I've relinquished the shame; that email pops up again - "You've got kudos!" Like Faustus, it whispers to me like Mephistopheles, tempting me. I hear my audience cry out for a new chapter and who am I to deny the people what they want? I stay away for years until I can resist these cursed hands no longer. My hands belong not to me, but to the story and it's readers. I am Frankenstein and this is my monster. I must complete it.

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I need to be real. This drives me up the wall. I'll be so deep into a long slow burn where both characters are convinced the other feels nothing for them. Then the confession comes but it's said in a subtle way, that implies the other character cares deeply for them. And they understand and somehow slip into a mutual understanding that they are both in love with barely any words or communication. Finally they look at the sky and think about the future whilst smiling. There's no surprise, no 'I love you', no nothing.

I end up feeling really disappointed because for me it's so anticlimactic. I feel like if I'm reading a long slow burn with so much tension, there needs to be an explosive confession. It makes me feel really frustrated if I'm reading a fantastic story, the tension is building, and then it just fizzles out. Like a rollercoaster that climbs so high, only to have a tiny drop on the other side. Does anyone else feel this way or do I need to get a life?

Edit: just to add, anyone who does write slow burns this or enjoys reading it is completely valid. This is a me problem lol.

I just don't understand it. We both have ADHD, mine is dx and medicated. He is waiting for an assessment. His emotional dysregulation is so much worse than mine and he acts so selfish but can't see it. I'm always the one to blame. I can't say anything about my feelings or boundaries without him feeling like I'm attacking him or blaming him. He basically ignores me when I cry now if it's about him. Most of the time I'm crying due to him. He says that he shouldn't have to comfort me when we're arguing. It just seems like backwards logic.

I'm the messy one and he's the clean one. He tells me that he cleans more, so we got a cleaning notebook. But now it clearly shows that I'm doing double of what he does. Yet, now the goalposts have moved. It's because he's working full time. If he wasn't working full time he'd do the same amount as me! Sure but I'm studying full-time. At least some acknowledgement that I do more would be grand. I'll still make his dinner every day. Yet I don't even remember the last time he made me food. He always wants to sit in front of his computer and eat his dinner there and rarely wants to eat together.

I just feel single sometimes. I have ADHD too, life is so hard but I would never act the way he is acting. I've compromised so much but he acts like he's the one putting more effort into the relationship. He wouldn't even attempt to get diagnosed with ADHD when I suggested it Yet, now he's had an epiphany that he might have ADHD. Okay cool, guess my opinion and feelings don't matter? Man I'm just so tired. I guess I just need some solidarity right now. I'm exhausted!

I resonated with every lyric. It helped me put a description to the way I've been feeling for years. I think it's actually the first time I really started to perceive my relationship as emotionally abusive. The lines that resonated with me most are:

"stretch me like leather rope, make me invisible, shape me into your form"

And

"I climb in your walls, I'm where the spiders go."

Abusers have a huge sense of entitlement. Their needs and feelings take up the majority of the relationship, and your needs get shoved and hidden out of sight. You go unheard, whilst they pile more and more of their complaints on top of you. You really do feel physically stretched out like leather rope. You learn how to hide parts of yourself (like a spider in a wall) out of sight in order to avoid the outrage you receive when trying to be seen or heard.

Every song on "I love you so fucking much" reflects the deep feelings you feel whilst in this type of this relationship. And you can't even identify or speak about it because you spend so long looking away from these feelings. If you stare at them too long then you'll realise you need to do something about it, you'll need to get away. You'll have to face that the person you love isn't actually the person you thought they were. The worst part is that describing this person as abusive feels so wrong, because they are still the same person you fell in love with. It's just that you see a different person come out now and again just as described as "how I learned to love the bomb".

Facing reality is difficult when it's a bitter pill. Yet, this album gently guides you towards reality. Without shame, judgment or prejudice, these beautiful songs illuminate the truth. These songs encouraged me to face the coping mechanisms I'd been using. It's hard to hear but I couldn't stop listening because I finally felt heard after so long of my reality being denied.

I haven't left yet, I'm in a precarious situation where leaving is difficult due to moving overseas. I'm working on it though and I am in therapy. I am aware now. I should have been aware before, because I witnessed my parent go through abuse. Yet, even I was sucked into it.

"I love you so fucking much" was my first step towards awareness. I am extremely grateful for this album but simultaneously sad that the band understood the complex feelings that arise from an abusive/controlling/dominating relationship. Of course this is just one interpretation, but it just goes to show how brilliant the lyric writing and accompanying music are, to stir these complex emotions.