u/Throawayhaibhai

What I actually want to do

T+10 hrs in rn btw

(LOONG GYAN-CHODU-POST AHEAD!!)

When monsoon hits, I try to make the most of it.

Living in an apartment with Landlords downstairs is a bit risky. Plus the increased policing in my area has made most, if not all of my trips indoors (which is a bummer).

I guess this is what a longing for something else really is...what you long for is just around the corner...you can sense its real even though its not currently visible...if only i could go out and see...alas! I have a spliff in my hands...

I can't go...

Atleast not without finishing it first...

"It's better to not go"

"Someone might catch you"

"Might ruin you"

"In fact you know what? Close the door also"

Don't close your door to Truth

Keep it open

Even if it's a little

Never shut it fully

Cuz if you do, then that's fully on you.

I had my first acid trip (150ug) a month ago

Then 8 days later i found myself keeping 2 more (then 4 hrs later 1 more) on m'tongue 🫦.

Then again 9 days later I took 2 bhang golis and 1 more tab

**sigh**

लंगूर के हाथ में अंगूर

Bada ego dissolution karne chale the... dissolution hi Ego ban gaya

For fuck's sake Ego dissolution for what? For success at everything? For happiness? Ego dissolution for...Ego?

I guess this is the lesson...the teaching...

It's all contextual.

It's super-subjective

And not necessarily divine if YOU don't have that longing within you for the divine first!

My cousin saw a dog doing it with Katrina Kaif on his first trip... i don't even know if that's true... and I can't ever know it... and maybe that's the point.

No judgements

I once read a trip report somewhere "2 bhaang + blotter = Ego Death (I died and came back to life)"

I stupidly tried to emulate that....

Dude...bhaang is just...it's just pure crystalized stillness (not necessarily of the outside, but inside toh pakka)...it's like experiencing your death without dying.

I was with 4 other people, one of my friend had taken one tab like me the other two were hitting bong.

They were saying "ab toh saare receptors phuk gaye" when I told them about taking 3 tabs alone one night, but I brushed him off cuz I know that's not true (silence as a response at appropriate times).

In fact if i wanted to give you everything i learned on that trip in one word it would be - Silence.

Because maybe silence allows observation, maybe its the observers true state, who knows?

In fact the trip showed me practically too.

T+2hrs in (of taking 2 golis + 1 110ug tab)

Rest of em decide to play PUBG (i don't know how to play PUBG) but the rest of em also think till now I am just mildly tripping and my tolerance might be so high that I am feeling nothing...but inside...they don't know what JUST HIT...it was nothing...literally nothingness...wherein the only proof of my existence was the breath I was taking every 20-30 seconds...

Maybe that's what IS....you know? Maybe life is just...death breathing?

We take in one breath, we establish ourselves in the realm of existence for if we cease to take in any more...our existence would also cease.

Acid told me it can't do what I am expecting it to do on my second trip and on this one (4th) i was entering with less anxiety regarding the outcome (so I like to consider it my first _real_ trip).

In this one it didn't say much...it simply showed me (it is a good filmmaker).

I got up of the bed, the rest 3 had showed some worry a while back when they noticed I maybe tripping balls right now, because my eyes were so lifeless, so was my body, just super still...unsettlingly still...like so silent...it's almost loud...on purpose?...on pretense?...YES! But that theatre itself was the answer! I wanted to know what people go through when they are faced with silence (I was perceiving a stages of grief kind of faces)...

At first there were secret glances ... All 3 knew something was up...but none of them have yet thought to acknowledge this because they are not sure...then they reach a stage of suritt that something is going on for sure...one of them says my name...faced with a brick wall with half open eyes (and clearly wildin pupils) that was me...

They were now in a certain stage of acceptance that they are not gonna get an acknowledgement from me.

They discuss among themselves what to do, one says "oye ask ai ki 2 bhaan + acid se kuch hota hai ki nahi" the next one does that and confirms "nahi hota kuch" by now my mouth might've been slightly open with a bit of a drooling saliva too (I'm not sure).

They all looked relieved. Continued their gameplay...might've by now formed an explanation for this disruption in their reality...that momentarily being devoid of meaning, explaination, uncertain...they by now might've filled with a perfectly rational explaination...somehow echoing how early humans have perfectly "rational" explainations for the things they saw around them (thus giving rise to the concept of a 'God')

I know for sure one of them would have thought "natak kar raha hai sala"...and he would have been right...but he would have failed to realize ki natak ye unke liye nahi apne liye hai...meri understanding ke liye hai...

T+3hrs (idk)

My 'enlightenment' was interrupted by piss

I made my way to the bathroom, I was in the friend's flat and he had recently adopted an indie pup. They gave an entire room to her...where she had pooped and peed all over... unfortunately that was the room with the bathroom. It didn't bother me that much...I was surprisingly still with good motor coordination and fully conscious (too conscious if you ask me)...I made it...i pissed...the freaking toilet bowl was not staying at one single place...so I had to accordingly improvise my....stream.

I don't know for how long I was in the bathroom but I could hear my voice being called...they might be worried, thought, so I replied...the words were very weak...after hours upon hours of silence...they usually are.

One friend heard it, he came running he saw me...I looking focused on one of the dog turds.

I have been thinking a lot about garbage, shit and basically things that disgust us.

It's so weird that the same zomato package when I receive (beaming with joy of getting it, the heavy period of waiting where i track the driver's every movement...what am I waiting for? The package only, right? Then eating the delicious food inside the package...and then suddenly the empty package is of no value to me...I throw it...in fact now it's of negative value because now I have to throw it out along with other trash...it's trash...it's literal trash...and tomorrow when I accidentally place my bare feet on the last night's packets...I feel disgusted...eww the stain of the same pizza I was licking my fingers from? How come these two things feel so different to me, generate such different reactions from me...but are the EXACT same thing?

Same with shit...it's literally what I was most intimate with last night...and now in the morning i don't even look at it...don't we all ignore that each one of us goes to the bathroom and stuff comes out of their ass...why do we forget that about people?

__[insert name of the person you respect, love, or worship the most]___ used to shit everyday like you and me.

Bro...

Isn't that...like...kind of mind-blowing...how much we choose to ignore about life...about reality...and that too unconsciously...and it's funny...its funny not because of 'haha poop' but because of the comical lengths we go to remain in denial about it.

That puppy = me

Puppy's turd = puppy

Therefore, me = puppy turd

I put my hands close to the turd, my friend shrieks at a distance "oye bhench*d! Oye kya kar Raha hai! Oye tune agar YE kiya na---"

Tab tak ho gaya tha...maine haath upar kar ke usko dikhaye...uske aankhon mein pure horror.

I was laughing.

However, even I did not relish in the excreta for very long...I went to the sink immediately started washing my hands...i could hear the absolute chaos that was going one out there...

It was fun

No one was hurt

I noticed the puppy coming to me as I was washing my hands trying to lick at the droplets that were flying off...I realized she was thirsty...I finished (preliminary) washing and then filled her bowl with water...she drank a lot...finished the bowl...i refilled..finished that too...she must've been very thirsty...fucking bachelors taking on responsibility when they themselves are so ignorant...ughh

I asked for a soap...I washed...I went back...now the silence was speaking...

I started talking and 'acting' normally again and that made them relieved. Thoda hansi-mazak chala, they asked me what I was experiencing...and i couldn't give them an answer...maybe that silence...was the answer

(ok I'll stop that now )

But yeah, that trip was crazy...it was a week ago and while I lit up one today and smoked it on the entrance of my room with me not in view to the outside world and only the grill in front of me being the only part of the outside world visible to me. Atleast it was raining so it felt nice and peaceful...I started reminiscing...the earphones automatically started playing "aap ki nazron ne samjha - Shreya Ghoshal live at berklee"...i felt yet again a glimpse of that nothingness...and some inspiration to write this report not as the acid one...because vo moment to gaya... doesn't exist... What exists now is real, what existed once upon a time can only be remembered through many many filters of 'insights', 'meanings', or 'labels', to something that can't be contained in such a futile form of material as language...it just can't...it's better to stay silent when asked about what is really TRUE, because silence brings you face to face with yourself (and if the saamne wala realizes ki he is also now conversing with none other than himself when faced with your unmoving silence...then maybe he also can become silent).

And for you the only Truth is You.

There was none other, there will be no other. Ever.

Regards,

OP