u/ThrowRABroadLeaf

i (27F) had an argument with my (30M) partner last night.

everything was fine we were enjoying a couple drinks and chatting, when the topic of one of my friends getting top surgery came up.

i mentioned they were non-binary and that’s when he commented “i think its weird to call yourself they/them”
a bit shocked, i replied to this “why do you think it’s weird?” to which he became defensive and said things along the lines of “i have nothing against them, i don’t see them lesser than, i just think it’s weird. its a plural pronoun.”

i tried to inform him that “they” is not only a plural pronoun, that it’s been used for centuries as a singular pronoun i.e “someone left their wallet” and if someone wants to be referred to as they, i don’t see why its so confusing or offputting. it’s their identity and that should be respected and he should refrain from using that kind of language especially around me. but instead of taking this on board he just started debating with me and accused me of overreacting, and said that he’ll never “not find it weird”

for context, i have been out as bisexual since 14, and i have also had a fluid gender identity in the past and not always gone by she/her pronouns. he is aware of this.

for background on him, he is a cisgender man, not religious, neither is his family, but he did grow up in catholic school, from a country town and wasn’t around a lot of queer people. to quote what he said “there weren’t people like that where i come from”

another thing is that my friend is hosting a prom night at their house in a couple months, for people who couldn’t go to prom. i mentioned to my boyfriend how i used to go by he/him pronouns in the past and, jokingly, if i was being true to my history i’d probably be going in a suit. to which he said in a sort of disgruntled tone “i’m not going to prom with a man.”

additionally a little while ago, i asked if he wanted to watch heated rivalry with me, to which when he discovered it was about two gay hockey players, made a big thing about “the gay part” and said he’d never watch it.

all of these things he’s said honestly just make me super uncomfortable, especially since i am queer, i’m heavily involved in my community and 90% of my friends are queer and trans too. one of my close friends even mentioned to me recently she doesn’t find that he’s super invested or engaging when i bring him with me to my friend’s social events. and whats even more upsetting to me is that when i mention that i’m uncomfortable, that my friends are uncomfortable, he just gets super defensive, says “well i’m not homophobic! i like your friends and i’d never say anything bad to him or about them!” he doesn’t want his opinions to be challenged (even politely) on his internalised queer phobia, and will call me sensitive instead. there’s no ownership from his on his part, and i’m at my wits end with what to do. i told him this is making me rethink if we are truly compatible.

TL;DR: boyfriends queerphobic comments are putting a wedge between us and i’m not sure if i’m being overly sensitive.

mine: every time i’d talk about one of my interests or share a fun fact, he’d immediately start explaining it back to me like he was the expert and i was an idiot with no original knowledge or interests.

when i finally got sick of it and brought it up to him he smiled and went “i mean… i am older than you, so realistically i probably do know more than you about most things. but i’m sure eventually you’ll find something you know more about than me :)” o.m.f.g.

so yeah it didn’t last much longer after that.

requesting support. i have had money problems for years now. i’ve never been able to hold down a job. i’m a 25 year old woman, and since working age i’ve never had a job for more than 1 month, aside from my last job, but that didn’t work out for reasons i’ll explain in the third paragraph.

i have had serious diagnosed mental health issues since my teens. likely inherited my father’s bipolar, my mothers rage, went through a traumatic childhood, terrible relationships both romantically and familial, couldn’t finish high school due to the onset of chronic anxiety attacks and depression. i’ve been on multiple medications for years but they’ve never allowed me to achieve independence or stability. honestly i think they’re messing my brain up more but i can’t afford a psychiatrist to change or wean off of them.

on top of this in my early 20s i developed multiple chronic illnesses (POTS, chronic fatigue syndrome, migraines, just to list a couple..)
so yeah dealing with a lot of both debilitating physical conditions and mental. i could hold down a job for a few weeks before i collapsed from mental and physical burn out from pushing myself past my capacity, at least that was until my most recent job working at a call centre.

lied on my resume and luckily got the job. i lasted over a year, was promoted very shortly, and even met my current boyfriend there… until i was gr*ped by a coworker. and my depression and anxiety skyrocketed again. now its been 8 months since i left. i barely leave the house, i dont see friends, i’m only supporting our household with government benefits, but its only enough to pay my share of the rent and nothing else.

i tried to get a new job a couple weeks back, i lasted three days. on the day i quit i swallowed a bottle of pills and was put in hospital. my partner had to take up a second job to support us, and we owe over $10K in debt from taking out credit cards just to pay for food. he’s exhausted and pissed all the time, we fight every couple days. we still love each other, but i know he resents me and i can’t blame him. i can’t see him staying if things continue like this.

this isn’t who i wanted to be, i wanted to be a working wife and mother who could support and add value to my partner and eventually raise a family. but i’m just a useless baby who sleeps all day, and can’t even buy her partner a small present, or buy their friend a beer. i feel so pathetic. i feel so numb. yet at the same time, the anxiety i feel is relentless. i’m always shaking, i always feel faint, i panic when i go outside or talk to people. the nightmares are constant. i face my gr*pist in court in 3 weeks. i don’t know if he will be put away. even if he does, i don’t know if i will ever be the same, i don’t think anything will change. sometimes i start crying for no reason and i can’t stop. most of the time i’m just numb and angry.

i hate who i am and it feels like the only solution is to be in the ground. right now my future looks like separation, singleness, homelessness, losing my sanity, becoming a societal loser with no retirement savings, living in public housing or on the streets and drinking myself to death. so yeah, i don’t exactly want to be dead, but i don’t want to stick around to hate myself more.