u/ThrowRA_Owl_234668

Not going into too much NSFW detail, but putting the tag anyways. Better safe than sorry.

This is a throwaway account cause I have no social media. Im just so emotionally vulnerable right now and I couldn't sleep with this on my mind.

I've been dating my girlfriend for about 18 months now. We are slightly long distance, a little over an hour between us. I love her very very much and she is smart and so beautiful. We've been very open with communication during the relationship about many topics, and its made it very strong. The one topic though that we keep having issues with is sex and intimacy. We've had several conversations because lots of times the night has ended in tears. I have a high libido, she has a low libido. Im much more kinky and submissive, she isn't and very rarely does more than just missionary. 

We've had several conversations discussing these things and how to compromise, which i have significantly. One aspect of sex that is very much important to me is aftercare. Sex is when I feel most vulnerable with a partner, and its incredibly special to me. And aftercare brings that all together. Nothing makes me happier than being held by a woman and reassured that I did a good job. Yesterday I did my darndest to have a perfect date: we had a picnic outside, I took her to a great restaurant, saw a movie, got ice cream after, then came back home. We made out, but I was too nervous to make a move because if I went to fast for her, she immediately loses the interest. She had to tell me I can. We had sex, which I tried to do a new position but after a few minutes it defaulted to missionary. I was absolutely exhausted afterwards, and wanted nothing more but to be held and reassured, but she just said she felt sweaty, needed to cool off, went to the bathroom to get ready for bed, and just left me on the bed. Ive compromised so many of my kinks to not make her uncomfortable, to the point I've told her "if you just hold me, reassure me and call me a good boy (im submissive okay, dont judge), ill be happy". And I cant even have that at all. 

She is very plan oriented and loves to have a schedule, but the moment one thing doesn't go to plan, her depression takes over and she feels the day is ruined. This put enormous amounts of stress on me because I want nothing but to make her happy. She's told me several times "i'm not upset or mad at you, it just sucks" but I can't help but like ive done something wrong. This another part of why i'm so nervous to mess anything up in bed. If I deviate at all from what she likes, she loses the mood, says "its fine, dont worry about it", we keep going, and then after she is in tears because she couldn't come to orgasm. She has explained several times she doesn't have the luxury of masturbating at home because she lives in a tiny town, shares one bathroom with her whole family, as well share a room and bed with her brother. So every time, I'm under so much stress and pressure to bring her to climax in the only way that works for her. And in numerous talks, i've brought positions and things I want to do and try, but I always have the response of "maybe", or "its too uncomfortable for me", or "I dont get any pleasure from it", or "I cant get in the headspace. Essentially if something can't bring her pleasure or an orgasm, she wont do it.

I feel so starved, its eating up my mind and I stayed up till 2:30 in the morning trying to not breakdown. I had a talk with her this morning and said I felt very hurt with how last night ended, and I just wanted to be reassured and held. To which she apologized, but explained that she never feels like she can be the vulnerable one, and that she can try. I just want to know if anyone else has been in a similar situation to me. How do i present this to her after having several talks about it? I know i cant force her to do anything or entertain my kinks, and i never want her to be forced. I feel ive compromised so much to make her happy but she hasn't. Maybe I'm overreacting, I don't know. Any advice is great, even if its a reality check.

And apologies if anything is TMI. If you have questions i'll do my best to respond, like I said I dont have any social media so I might not be as timely.