u/ThrowRAtiredgg

I went to a psychiatrist expecting a simple and old fashioned depression diagnosis… that’s what I thought I had. Instead she said she suspects Bipolar II and started me on lamotrigine (25mg to start).

I haven’t fully processed this yet. My mom had been given several different diagnoses over the years: BPD, bipolar, schizophrenia, depression, it’s changed depending on who she saw and when and she always refused treatment or my dad forced it on her. She had episodes where she’d scream, get intensely irritable, and there was physical violence, she’d hit me or when she hit her lows the apartment was a MESS, there was no food and I didn’t had a mom for a while. I have spent my whole life terrified of becoming her, and now there’s a real possibility that I have some version of what she had, and I don’t know what to do with that.

The pattern that seems to fit me: when I don’t sleep well, I get this energy surge and start cleaning everything, and sometimes it cuts out halfway through and I leave things a mess. Then I have real lows where I can’t function at all. Nothing like what my mom went through outwardly, but enough that a professional saw something.

What scares me most isn’t the label. It’s my son. It’s any future kids I might have. I never want them to grow up not understanding why mom is suddenly yelling, why she’s irritable for no clear reason, wondering if today is a “bad day.” Wondering if I’m going to be there for them or being feeling relieved the day I die… I don’t want them to have the same fear of me that I had of her or the resentment I still can’t get rid of.

I went to a psychiatrist expecting a simple and old fashioned depression diagnosis… that’s what I thought I had. Instead she said she suspects Bipolar II and started me on lamotrigine (25mg to start).

I haven’t fully processed this yet. My mom had been given several different diagnoses over the years: BPD, bipolar, schizophrenia, depression, it’s changed depending on who she saw and when and she always refused treatment or my dad forced it on her. She had episodes where she’d scream, get intensely irritable, and there was physical violence, she’d hit me or when she hit her lows the apartment was a MESS, there was no food and I didn’t had a mom for a while. I have spent my whole life terrified of becoming her, and now there’s a real possibility that I have some version of what she had, and I don’t know what to do with that.

The pattern that seems to fit me: when I don’t sleep well, I get this energy surge and start cleaning everything, and sometimes it cuts out halfway through and I leave things a mess. Then I have real lows where I can’t function at all. Nothing like what my mom went through outwardly, but enough that a professional saw something.

What scares me most isn’t the label. It’s my son. It’s any future kids I might have. I never want them to grow up not understanding why mom is suddenly yelling, why she’s irritable for no clear reason, wondering if today is a “bad day.” Wondering if I’m going to be there for them or being feeling relieved the day I die… I don’t want them to have the same fear of me that I had of her or the resentment I still can’t get rid of.

I am resenting my boyfriend so much right now. We have been together for two years and live together, but all he does is play video games. From the moment he gets home until the time he goes to sleep, he is on a screen. The only time he actually leaves the house is to see his friends.

Because of this, we have absolutely zero dates. He pays his share of the rent and bills, but every single cent of his leftover money goes toward video games. He buys consoles, gaming "necessities," and random gaming merchandise.

He literally owns every single console available because he claims they have exclusive games he cannot play on his PC. I am starting to hate it so much.

When we first started dating, I didn’t mind the gaming as much. He told me he wanted to go back to college and build a good career, but that never happened. Right now, he just drives for Uber and that is it. I tried talking to him about at least taking two classes to start moving forward, but he just refuses.

Honestly, I am so done. I am a very ambitious person, and I feel like I am losing myself and my own drive by staying in this relationship. I am not even sure what specific advice I am looking for here. I just really needed to vent because the resentment is taking over.

I do love him but I’m at my wits end. What can I do? How can I make him understand that he’s wasting his life away?