u/Throwaway-lost-BF

TLDR : I (28M) recently told my gf (29F) that I don't see any future together and should stop any future plans (kids, house, ...) because of how and why she's been grieving (an old car), until she sees a psychologist.

Mandatory "english not my first language", "throwaway because friends know my real account".

The situation :

While we were moving out from our old condo to a new city for our new jobs, her car broke down. We were able to finish moving out but the car had to be towed to a repairshop for diagnostic. Turned out a week later it was the cylinder head gasket on her 20year old car that gave up. The car was therefore deemed economically totaled, as replacing that seal would cost too much for such an old car (especially since it's not the only mechanical problem she's had in last years).

However the problem is that my gf lost her mind when she heard the news, and began to "grieve" (her words) the car for the following weeks, spending all days crying, being hysterical, and generally being too grief stricken to take any decision regarding what to do with the car or replacing it.

She even had that behavior at her new work, potentially jeopardizing her new job !

No matter what I did to comfort her, help her or try to find solutions to replace both her phone and finding a new car (she was too paralyzed to do it so me and my family helped her find a new car quickly so she could get to her new job), she showed no sign to improve even 3 weeks after the car broke down, spending her nights crying and saying things like "that car is a family member to me, I can't lose her".

Keep in mind during that time she would not let go of the old broken car, and said stuff like she will keep it for memories (we have no parling spot to store it). The car sat at the repairshop, accruing daily "storage fee" from the repairman.

I am generally lost when it comes to emotion as I generally am reserved and calm, going with the flow kind of guy, not very in touch with my emotions so I was really lost but trying my best to comfort her and help her along. But i couldn't understand going so far for a broken down car.

After a month of that behavior, i sat her down and told her that as long as she was not getting rid of the old car, improving emotionally, and getting regular psychologist consultations, I could not see any future with her.

My reasoning is that if a broken down car triggers hysterical behavior, how could she even deal with kids/house/family death situations ?

She understandably got mad after the talk, and it put a lot of strain on the relationship.

\*\*So reddit, AITAH for telling her that I couldn't see any future with her because of her grieving for an old car ?\*\*

Edit : additional information :

She is upset because it is her first car, that she is very emotionally attached to. She "knew" this car for 17years or so, as it was in her family and recently (1year ago) gifted to her as her first car.

The car initially was her grands-parent's car. Both grand parents are still alive so it is not a memorabilia of any sort.

I did try to help her, and still am trying. When i saw i could not help her i suggested therapy, contacted her family and mine for help and additional POV, without much success.

I (28M) recently told my gf (29F) that I don't see any future together and should stop any future plans (kids, house, ...) because of how and why she's been grieving (for an old broken down car), until she sees a psychologist.

Mandatory "english not my first language", "throwaway cause friends know my real account", "sorry for wall of text" and TW >!self-harm!<.

**Bit of background first :**

Gf and I started going out 6 years ago when we were in the same university. Living together for 4 years when we both got jobs in same city. We have a decent relationship, with some ups and downs along the years but nothing major.

We have discussed future plans (kids, buying a house, adopting cats,...) and to do so we decided to switch to more stable, better paying jobs in another city. We both found new jobs in a new city and started the moving process. That is when things started to go south.

**The situation** :

While I was at the new condo in the new city (my job started a bit earlier than hers) she stayed behind in the old city to gather some remaining stuff from our old condo and move them out. That is when she suffered a streak of bad luck : first her phone broke down, then immediately followed by her car breaking down the day following, leaving her stranded in the old condo. She called me (using her old phone she kept around) crying hysterically when it happened and I tried to calm her down.

I did go "rescue her" in the evening when I was free from work. However the car had to be towed to a repairshop for diagnostic (turned out a week later it was the cylinder head gasket on her 20year old car that gave up, flooding the cylinders with coolant). The car was therefore deemed economically totaled, as replacing that seal would cost too much for such an old car (especially since it's not the only mechanical problem she's had in last years).

However the problem is that my gf lost her mind when she heard the news, and began to "grieve" (her words) the car for the following weeks, spending all days crying, being hysterical and even having >!self-harm!< thoughts and acts, and generally being too grief stricken to take any decision regarding what to do with the car or replacing it.

She even had that behavior at her new work, potentially jeopardizing her new job !

No matter what I did to comfort her, help her or try to find solutions to replace both her phone and finding a new car (she was too paralyzed to do it so me and my family helped her find a new car quickly so she could get to her new job), she showed no sign to improve even 3 weeks after the car broke down, spending her nights crying and saying >!self-harming!< stuff, or things like "that car is a family member to me, I can't lose her".

&gt;!I even found her beating her head against a wall at some point !!<

Keep in mind during that time she would not let go of the old broken car, and said stuff like she will keep it for memories (we have no parling spot to store it). The car sat at the repairshop, accruing daily "storage fee" from the repairman.

I am generally lost when it comes to emotion as I generally am reserved and calm, going with the flow kind of guy, not very in touch with my emotions so I was really lost but trying my best to comfort her and help her along.

However, seeing her get in that state for a broken down car, I couldn't understand and after about a month of that behavior I sat her down and told her the following :

First she had to see a psychologist to help her in this emotional time, as I was completely lost and not understanding her state of mind (who goes so far for a broken down car?).

Secondly, she had to get rid of the old car as it was starting to become a financial problem, with daily storage fees.

Finally, as long as she was not doing the first 2 steps, actually improving emotionally, and getting regular psychologist consultations, I could not see any future with her, as seeing how her grieving for a car threw her down a deep hole I couldn't think of her being able to deal with any future problems.

My reasoning is that if a broken down car triggers >!self-harm!< and hysterical behavior, how could she even deal with kids/house/family death situations ?

She understandably got mad after the sit down talk, and it put a lot of strain on the relationship.

**So Mark, AITAH for telling her that I couldn't see any future with her because of her grieving for an old car ?**

Edit: also posted on r/AmItheAsshole, without the TW : https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/JLtUUzvHHD

Edit2: additionnal info from comments : She is upset because it is her first car, that she is very emotionally attached to. She "knew" this car for 17years or so, as it was in her family and recently (1year ago) gifted to her as her first car.

The car initially was her grands-parent's car. Both grand parents are still alive so it is not a memorabilia of any sort.

I did try to help her, and still am trying. When i saw i could not help her i suggested therapy, contacted her family and mine for help and get additional POV, without much success.

TLDR : I (28M) recently told my gf (29F) that I don't see any future together and should stop any future plans (kids, house, ...) because of how and why she's been grieving (an old car), until she sees a psychologist.

Mandatory "english not my first language", "throwaway because friends know my real account".

The situation :

While we were moving out from our old condo to a new city for our new jobs, her car broke down. We were able to finish moving out but the car had to be towed to a repairshop for diagnostic. Turned out a week later it was the cylinder head gasket on her 20year old car that gave up. The car was therefore deemed economically totaled, as replacing that seal would cost too much for such an old car (especially since it's not the only mechanical problem she's had in last years).

However the problem is that my gf lost her mind when she heard the news, and began to "grieve" (her words) the car for the following weeks, spending all days crying, being hysterical, and generally being too grief stricken to take any decision regarding what to do with the car or replacing it.

She even had that behavior at her new work, potentially jeopardizing her new job !

No matter what I did to comfort her, help her or try to find solutions to replace both her phone and finding a new car (she was too paralyzed to do it so me and my family helped her find a new car quickly so she could get to her new job), she showed no sign to improve even 3 weeks after the car broke down, spending her nights crying and saying things like "that car is a family member to me, I can't lose her".

Keep in mind during that time she would not let go of the old broken car, and said stuff like she will keep it for memories (we have no parling spot to store it). The car sat at the repairshop, accruing daily "storage fee" from the repairman.

I am generally lost when it comes to emotion as I generally am reserved and calm, going with the flow kind of guy, not very in touch with my emotions so I was really lost but trying my best to comfort her and help her along. But i couldn't understand going so far for a broken down car.

After a month of that behavior, i sat her down and told her that as long as she was not getting rid of the old car, improving emotionally, and getting regular psychologist consultations, I could not see any future with her.

My reasoning is that if a broken down car triggers hysterical behavior, how could she even deal with kids/house/family death situations ?

She understandably got mad after the talk, and it put a lot of strain on the relationship.

**So reddit, AITAH for telling her that I couldn't see any future with her because of her grieving for an old car ?**

Update: additional information from the comments : She is upset because it is her first car, that she is very emotionally attached to. She "knew" this car for 17years or so, as it was in her family and recently (1year ago) gifted to her as her first car.

The car initially was her grands-parent's car. Both grand parents are still alive so it is not a memorabilia of any sort.

I did try to help her, and still am trying. When i saw i could not help her i suggested therapy, contacted her family and mine for help ane additional POV, without much success.