u/Throwaway65865

Hey so this is a tough truth for me to face but I've been in an incredibly destructive cycle for like the past four years or so and I need some help with this.

So I get in this incredibly harmful loop where I feel seriously lonely and shit about myself, so on a throwaway account I post risqué pictures of my body on ftm centric, and sometimes even women centered, porn subs because I get fucking addicted to the attention I get from it and the feeling of being desired. I don't know how the hell this started, but it just snowballed. And every few weeks or months I would wipe my account clean of all posts and comments out of an immense amount of shame, sometimes I would even delete the account. But eventually I always come crawling back and make a new account or started posting again.

So many people message me, a vast majority being straight male chasers, and would often be so damn creepy but I always seem to feel so desperate to be desired that I just take it. I just take whatever the hell I can get and end up reinforcing in my mind that that's all I CAN get, and all I deserve.

I always end up feeling so shit about myself for it and so embarrassed about what I allowed myself to put up with, but that doesn't stop me from coming back and doing it all over again.

Now recently is when I realised I really fucking need to address this because I've been escalating this behaviour to an actually dangerous degree.

A legitimately transphobic, misogynistic, red pill, man messaged me some really vitriolic things and said outright to me that none of his views are just kink, he genuinely just believes that 'females' are inferior and belong to men, and I still fed into it. I let him degrade me, I did what he told me, I sent him pictures in poses he demanded of me, and I genuinely considered it when he wanted to meet up in a hotel in person and fuck me. He had sent voice messages to me where he sounds so fucking angry, like he wants to hurt me. I genuinely think if I did meet up with him there is the potential he would have tried to kill me, he definitely would have at least hurt me cause he outright threatened that.

Stepping back for just a moment and looking clearly at the situation I was putting myself in I recognised just how fucking dangerous it was. I think due to a long history of suicidal ideation mixed with the incredibly low self worth, I just don't care about myself enough to protect myself from dangerous encounters, as if I believe I deserve it and have no regard for my life.

Then I'm on Fetlife and this one guy DM'd me like 2 weeks ago asking if we could talk because he liked my picture (its just a picture of my chest so my top surgery scars were visible). I checked his account and he had his label as bi, but his activity showed he exclusively interacts with the posts and pictures of trans men and cis women only, and he was following a bunch of tags of fetishes involving trans men and tomboys. At the time I had the self respect to ask why he messaged me, and then told him I'm wary of cis men that only interact with stuff about women and trans men because it reads super chaser-y and I just left the conversation there. But today my sex drive was really high and I just thought 'fuck it' and asked if he wanted to come fuck me because apparently I have no self respect. He was busy so he couldn't, but said he was so down for it.

I've had two straight male friends who I've recently walked away from for various reasons. One of the reasons was one of those friends told the other that my chest before top surgery were some of the biggest he's ever seen and he doesn't know why I'd get rid of them... I felt fucking sick to my stomach. I've never felt so objectified in such a way and I felt fucking horribly betrayed because he KNEW how bad my top dysphoria was all my teenage years. He KNEW it was debilitating, he knew how much I tried to hide them and fucking hated anyone looking at me or acknowledging them. I've known this guy since we were little kids... Realising he sexualised my body (which I couldn't fucking stand living in) like that made me feel fucking disgusting. My dysphoria has been pretty tame since top surgery, but that brought me right back there and I just felt so sad. I thought about how many times I hugged this guy as a teenager, and was that what he was thinking about???

Anyway, the other friend was also weird with me. I trusted him a lot. But he would make odd comments or weirdly invasive questions about trans stuff that made it seem like he was super curious about my body. I've gotten some weird vibes from him sometimes, as if he'd make jokes that aren't quite jokes about wanting to touch me. He would make some similar jokes with his cis male friends sometimes, but he would do it significantly more with me, seem more serious in his tone, look me up and down, be more touchy with me, and he'd ask deeply personal questions of me that he would never ask them. Once he saw a photo of me in goth makeup and called me mommy... Keep in mind, I am 6 years on T and 4 years post top surgery, I don't look like a woman so this all feels like purely fetishism of the fact that I'm transgender, the juxtaposition of it and the exoticism of it. Not to mention he was dating a girl who was in the process of questioning her gender identity as she used to identify as ftm, and his other closest friend (I was one of his closest friends before I walked away) is also a trans guy. Three's a pattern, I feel like he's drawn to us and it feels weird.

Anyway, these experiences have just really contributed to my deep distrust of people, their intentions, and their true views on my identity. I end up isolating a lot because I don't trust people, and that kind of feeds into this cycle because I get very lonely. I think I end up drawn to chasers because at least I know what I'm getting into from the start. I know they don't see me for who I really am, I know I can't trust in them to really see me. I know from the beginning they just want me for my body and they sexualise me. Whereas with friends it's deeply hurtful and damaging finding out they sexualise or objectify me when I sincerely trusted them with who I am, and trusted them to see ME and not even think about my body :(. It's certainly not healthy but I think that's why I do it.

Hey so this is a tough truth for me to face but I've been in an incredibly destructive cycle for like the past four years or so and I need some help with this.

So I get in this incredibly harmful loop where I feel seriously lonely and shit about myself, so on a throwaway account I post risqué pictures of my body on ftm centric, and sometimes even women centered, porn subs because I get fucking addicted to the attention I get from it and the feeling of being desired. I don't know how the hell this started, but it just snowballed. And every few weeks or months I would wipe my account clean of all posts and comments out of an immense amount of shame, sometimes I would even delete the account. But eventually I always come crawling back and make a new account or started posting again.

So many people message me, a vast majority being straight male chasers, and would often be so damn creepy but I always seem to feel so desperate to be desired that I just take it. I just take whatever the hell I can get and end up reinforcing in my mind that that's all I CAN get, and all I deserve.

I always end up feeling so shit about myself for it and so embarrassed about what I allowed myself to put up with, but that doesn't stop me from coming back and doing it all over again.

Now recently is when I realised I really fucking need to address this because I've been escalating this behaviour to an actually dangerous degree.

A legitimately transphobic, misogynistic, red pill, man messaged me some really vitriolic things and said outright to me that none of his views are just kink, he genuinely just believes that 'females' are inferior and belong to men, and I still fed into it. I let him degrade me, I did what he told me, I sent him pictures in poses he demanded of me, and I genuinely considered it when he wanted to meet up in a hotel in person and fuck me. He had sent voice messages to me where he sounds so fucking angry, like he wants to hurt me. I genuinely think if I did meet up with him there is the potential he would have tried to kill me, he definitely would have at least hurt me cause he outright threatened that.

Stepping back for just a moment and looking clearly at the situation I was putting myself in I recognised just how fucking dangerous it was. I think due to a long history of suicidal ideation mixed with the incredibly low self worth, I just don't care about myself enough to protect myself from dangerous encounters, as if I believe I deserve it and have no regard for my life.

Then I'm on Fetlife and this one guy DM'd me like 2 weeks ago asking if we could talk because he liked my picture (its just a picture of my chest so my top surgery scars were visible). I checked his account and he had his label as bi, but his activity showed he exclusively interacts with the posts and pictures of trans men and cis women only, and he was following a bunch of tags of fetishes involving trans men and tomboys. At the time I had the self respect to ask why he messaged me, and then told him I'm wary of cis men that only interact with stuff about women and trans men because it reads super chaser-y and I just left the conversation there. But today my sex drive was really high and I just thought 'fuck it' and asked if he wanted to come fuck me because apparently I have no self respect. He was busy so he couldn't, but said he was so down for it.

I've had two straight male friends who I've recently walked away from for various reasons. One of the reasons was one of those friends told the other that my chest before top surgery were some of the biggest he's ever seen and he doesn't know why I'd get rid of them... I felt fucking sick to my stomach. I've never felt so objectified in such a way and I felt fucking horribly betrayed because he KNEW how bad my top dysphoria was all my teenage years. He KNEW it was debilitating, he knew how much I tried to hide them and fucking hated anyone looking at me or acknowledging them. I've known this guy since we were little kids... Realising he sexualised my body (which I couldn't fucking stand living in) like that made me feel fucking disgusting. My dysphoria has been pretty tame since top surgery, but that brought me right back there and I just felt so sad. I thought about how many times I hugged this guy as a teenager, and was that what he was thinking about???

Anyway, the other friend was also weird with me. I trusted him a lot. But he would make odd comments or weirdly invasive questions about trans stuff that made it seem like he was super curious about my body. I've gotten some weird vibes from him sometimes, as if he'd make jokes that aren't quite jokes about wanting to touch me. He would make some similar jokes with his cis male friends sometimes, but he would do it significantly more with me, seem more serious in his tone, look me up and down, be more touchy with me, and he'd ask deeply personal questions of me that he would never ask them. Once he saw a photo of me in goth makeup and called me mommy... Keep in mind, I am 6 years on T and 4 years post top surgery, I don't look like a woman so this all feels like purely fetishism of the fact that I'm transgender, the juxtaposition of it and the exoticism of it. Not to mention he was dating a girl who was in the process of questioning her gender identity as she used to identify as ftm, and his other closest friend (I was one of his closest friends before I walked away) is also a trans guy. Three's a pattern, I feel like he's drawn to us and it feels weird.

Anyway, these experiences have just really contributed to my deep distrust of people, their intentions, and their true views on my identity. I end up isolating a lot because I don't trust people, and that kind of feeds into this cycle because I get very lonely. I think I end up drawn to chasers because at least I know what I'm getting into from the start. I know they don't see me for who I really am, I know I can't trust in them to really see me. I know from the beginning they just want me for my body and they sexualise me. Whereas with friends it's deeply hurtful and damaging finding out they sexualise or objectify me when I sincerely trusted them with who I am, and trusted them to see ME and not even think about my body :(. It's certainly not healthy but I think that's why I do it.

Hey so this is a tough truth for me to face but I've been in an incredibly destructive cycle for like the past four years or so and I need some help with this.

So I get in this incredibly harmful loop where I feel seriously lonely and shit about myself, so on a throwaway account I post risqué pictures of my body on ftm centric, and sometimes even women centered, porn subs because I get fucking addicted to the attention I get from it and the feeling of being desired. I don't know how the hell this started, but it just snowballed. And every few weeks or months I would wipe my account clean of all posts and comments out of an immense amount of shame, sometimes I would even delete the account. But eventually I always come crawling back and make a new account or started posting again.

So many people message me, a vast majority being straight male chasers, and would often be so damn creepy but I always seem to feel so desperate to be desired that I just take it. I just take whatever the hell I can get and end up reinforcing in my mind that that's all I CAN get, and all I deserve.

I always end up feeling so shit about myself for it and so embarrassed about what I allowed myself to put up with, but that doesn't stop me from coming back and doing it all over again.

Now recently is when I realised I really fucking need to address this because I've been escalating this behaviour to an actually dangerous degree.

A legitimately transphobic, misogynistic, red pill, man messaged me some really vitriolic things and said outright to me that none of his views are just kink, he genuinely just believes that 'females' are inferior and belong to men, and I still fed into it. I let him degrade me, I did what he told me, I sent him pictures in poses he demanded of me, and I genuinely considered it when he wanted to meet up in a hotel in person and fuck me. He had sent voice messages to me where he sounds so fucking angry, like he wants to hurt me. I genuinely think if I did meet up with him there is the potential he would have tried to kill me, he definitely would have at least hurt me cause he outright threatened that.

Stepping back for just a moment and looking clearly at the situation I was putting myself in I recognised just how fucking dangerous it was. I think due to a long history of suicidal ideation mixed with the incredibly low self worth, I just don't care about myself enough to protect myself from dangerous encounters, as if I believe I deserve it and have no regard for my life.

Then I'm on Fetlife and this one guy DM'd me like 2 weeks ago asking if we could talk because he liked my picture (its just a picture of my chest so my top surgery scars were visible). I checked his account and he had his label as bi, but his activity showed he exclusively interacts with the posts and pictures of trans men and cis women only, and he was following a bunch of tags of fetishes involving trans men and tomboys. At the time I had the self respect to ask why he messaged me, and then told him I'm wary of cis men that only interact with stuff about women and trans men because it reads super chaser-y and I just left the conversation there. But today my sex drive was really high and I just thought 'fuck it' and asked if he wanted to come fuck me because apparently I have no self respect. He was busy so he couldn't, but said he was so down for it.

I've had two straight male friends who I've recently walked away from for various reasons. One of the reasons was one of those friends told the other that my chest before top surgery were some of the biggest he's ever seen and he doesn't know why I'd get rid of them... I felt fucking sick to my stomach. I've never felt so objectified in such a way and I felt fucking horribly betrayed because he KNEW how bad my top dysphoria was all my teenage years. He KNEW it was debilitating, he knew how much I tried to hide them and fucking hated anyone looking at me or acknowledging them. I've known this guy since we were little kids... Realising he sexualised my body (which I couldn't fucking stand living in) like that made me feel fucking disgusting. My dysphoria has been pretty tame since top surgery, but that brought me right back there and I just felt so sad. I thought about how many times I hugged this guy as a teenager, and was that what he was thinking about???

Anyway, the other friend was also weird with me. I trusted him a lot. But he would make odd comments or weirdly invasive questions about trans stuff that made it seem like he was super curious about my body. I've gotten some weird vibes from him sometimes, as if he'd make jokes that aren't quite jokes about wanting to touch me. He would make some similar jokes with his cis male friends sometimes, but he would do it significantly more with me, seem more serious in his tone, look me up and down, be more touchy with me, and he'd ask deeply personal questions of me that he would never ask them. Once he saw a photo of me in goth makeup and called me mommy... Keep in mind, I am 6 years on T and 4 years post top surgery, I don't look like a woman so this all feels like purely fetishism of the fact that I'm transgender, the juxtaposition of it and the exoticism of it. Not to mention he was dating a girl who was in the process of questioning her gender identity as she used to identify as ftm, and his other closest friend (I was one of his closest friends before I walked away) is also a trans guy. Three's a pattern, I feel like he's drawn to us and it feels weird.

Anyway, these experiences have just really contributed to my deep distrust of people, their intentions, and their true views on my identity. I end up isolating a lot because I don't trust people, and that kind of feeds into this cycle because I get very lonely. I think I end up drawn to chasers because at least I know what I'm getting into from the start. I know they don't see me for who I really am, I know I can't trust in them to really see me. I know from the beginning they just want me for my body and they sexualise me. Whereas with friends it's deeply hurtful and damaging finding out they sexualise or objectify me when I sincerely trusted them with who I am, and trusted them to see ME and not even think about my body :(. It's certainly not healthy but I think that's why I do it.