u/ThrowawayForSupport3

Trigger warning >!sexual abuse and violence!<

I'll be visiting my mom next week

I don't want to

I finally opened up to my therapist that certain things my mom did were >!sexual abuse!< but no one I've told ever sees it that way. Like I'm gaslit by everyone almost that because she was my mom she >!owned my body and could use it however she liked!<

She'd make religious and medical excuses for things. Or just stuff like saying I don't need privacy because she's my mom.

It's so hard to not feel crazy about what she did because I'm sure she doesn't see it that way. I'm an extension of herself to her so naturally >!I only exist for her to feel good, so touching me anywhere she liked is fine since it made her feel good!<

She'd use excuses like making sure clothes fit properly >!to grope me even in changing rooms in stores, even though there was no reason for her to not just believe me about my bras fitting etc - she'd actually make me buy ones much too small because she'd say I needed to be sexier for her!<

So... I opened up about all of this and my therapist asked me if I actually wanted to go on the trip to see my mom. And of course I don't. She won't respect any boundaries. She at least isn't as >!handsy!< As when I was a kid. But even though I've repeatedly asked her not to she will probably forcefully kiss me. I'll want to vomit.

I never want to see her again

But it doesn't feel that easy.

I'd essentially be blocking my entire family at that point.

It would potentially kill her.

I'd have to explain to people why I don't

I'd have to explain to my in-laws why we no longer need a trip to the airport

My husband still thinks it'd be worse for me

Despite everything she's still my mom and I still love her and want her to be happy and have all these programmed impulses to do stuff that would make her happy. It was hard not to order her flowers on mother's Day just because it would make her happy.

My brother >!is violent and dangerous and genuinely might hurt someone I care about once I block her< or otherwise just come harass me, or contact my employer to try to get me fired, I blocked him first but don't know that my mom wouldn't try to use him to hurt me still!<

So it's complicated.

So I'm going to see her next week.

Probably I'll see her 2x a year until she dies. 2x a year isn't that bad right?

I have an awesome therapist who I process complex trauma with.

About a year ago I left a very generic "he's helped me a lot and is very empathetic" review with his name on the Google listing for the practice he works at.

I kind of want to update the review saying "Thank you" as well as the review I left before.

Is it more useful to have an older review to get new clients, or more useful to have a more recent review?

If it is useful to update, is it better to wait until his schedule isn't constantly full?

Trigger warnings religion, extreme misogyny, sexualization, maybe religious abuse

Did anyone else's parent with BPD split around their religious beliefs? I'm not sure splitting is actually the right word here, but it was a similar kind of whiplash feeling, where sometimes she didn't express these extreme views.

My mom for the first half of my childhood didn't really put too much effort into taking us to church. She was Christian but we didn't go every Sunday or anything.

But occasionally she'd get really obsessive about it, say stuff like we'd go to hell for sinning. "Honour thy mother and father" was a commandment so disobedience was a sin.

She'd also swap between telling me I needed to dress nicer for her (triggers listed at top) >! sometimes saying I needed to dress sexier for her 🤢!< to telling me that a woman was generally at fault >!for being raped because her clothes were saying she wanted it!< even going as far as >!saying the man was the victim of being seduced!<

She didn't say these things at the same time. But like maybe within days of each other (might have even been same day sometimes). I don't know what it was dependent on which extreme she'd take.

She also would be saying these things at an age I shouldn't have been actively worrying about stuff like that I think. Like 7 or 8 (maybe younger).

She also used how I looked often to excuse her own actions saying stuff like she couldn't help it I was too cute when she'd >!slap my ass, despite me begging her to stop for years!< She only stopped when someone else told her it was "weird" once I was 20. Often the only way she'd stop any particular abuse was if she was shamed for it.

Yet at other times she'd claim to be a feminist 🙄 (never actually demonstrated she was in that case though).

She's unfortunately landed on the extreme side of this for the last decade or so, so I don't really have much hope her views will change now.

But did anyone else have a parent who flip flopped on stuff like this? Where suddenly her views would become more extreme for a time?

I asked a similar question the other day and got some upvotes but no answers (so I think other people were interested too), I've changed the wording to hopefully make it better to answer, so I hope this is okay.

I understand that what's legally abuse varies based on area

But if it was up to you personally, given: "A parent is hurting or can't be trusted not to hurt/harm their child (without some intervention) if they _____" what's something that would fill in the blank, that you wish most people would acknowledge is abuse? (Or wish would legally be considered abuse)

Assuming that the intervention given would be helpful and appropriate and would actually do what was best for the child. (I understand in reality that's not always the case).

I'm interested in the answers of anymore who works in mental health (kids or adults) or with kids in any capacity.

I cancelled my appointment for this week to instead do something that would greatly help my husband's mental health. I don't regret it and think it was the right call, but also I just really need an appointment right now because all sorts of shit in my life is hitting a fan 🙃

I'm on my therapists cancelation list, but I feel bad hoping someone else cancels too. I'm pretty sure my spot got booked because it's a good time and I cancelled with plenty notice (and it didn't show up again as available), so I feel a bit less bad but still.

But eugh. Shit sucks right now.

For those of us who know
That childhood was never ours
We'd secretly wish for safety
Gazing at the endless stars

Feeling guilty for even wanting
Something we were told we already had
Believing that deep inside us
We were just fundamentally bad

How dare we wish for safety
There was a roof over our head
And our parents screamed at us
You're crazy, that's not what I said

We must always be the wrong ones
So broken, so messed up, just crazy
We must not be trying hard enough
Just explain, stop being so lazy

Until we finally do chip and crack
And all that fury, and all that rage
We stored so deeply inside us
Pretending we were some mature sage

It comes rushing out in anger
It comes rushing out in tears
It comes now that we've found safety
Finally after all these years

We were only children!
We were not their toys!
We were not their parents!
We were kids, girls, and boys.

And now.
We can break the pattern
Break any mould
Be free

Today can be for you.

----

Maybe a bit ironic to post this today, but I needed something for my anger and maybe even one other person might enjoy this.

I've posted a cat haiku before lol but

Kittens like to play

Just let them just let them

Soon they will be cats

As I come out of the FOG more and realize how much I was wronged I just feel myself getting angrier and angrier.

I know the anger is justified, and that it's okay to be angry (thanks to therapy), but I still really don't know how to deal with it. I'm not no contact with my uBPD mom, (maybe one day), and recognize that would help. But I'll find myself remembering the countless times I was gaslit or otherwise abused. I'll try explaining it to people and they don't get it, or don't agree it's abuse, and it's triggering.

That feeling that I'll never be believed and it happening again and again is awful. Knowing that even if I told someone as a kid nothing would have changed. Knowing there's other kids out there going through similar especially makes me furious.

How do others deal with this anger?

I find no matter how much I've tried to process it, make art, or go for runs, or distract myself and forget about it, it just keeps coming back.

Ferocious cat

Swats at feather on a string

But never catches

I understand that what's legally abuse varies based on area, and different types of abuse might have different places where you draw the line.

But if it was up to you personally, and a line needed to be drawn somewhere of "A parent is hurting or can't be trusted not to hurt/harm their child (without some intervention) if they _____" what's something that would fill in the blank?

Assume that the intervention in question would be helpful and appropriate for the case and would actually do what was best for the child.

If you have different lines or criteria or grey zones for different types of abuse I'd be interested too. But ideally I'm looking for the less obvious things that you'd still consider abuse or abusive.

I'm interested in the answers of anymore who works in mental health (kids or adults) or with kids in any capacity.

I understand that what's legally abuse varies based on area, and different types of abuse might have different lines.

But if it was up to you personally, and a line needed to be drawn somewhere of "A parent is hurting or can't be trusted not to hurt/harm their child (without some intervention) if they _____" what would fill in the blank?

Assume that the intervention in question would be helpful and appropriate for the case and would actually do what was best for the child.

If you have different lines or criteria or grey zones for different types of abuse I'd be interested too.

I'm interested in the answers of anymore who works in mental health or with kids in any capacity.

I've been seeing an awesome therapist for a few years for some complex trauma. He's helping me a lot in that area, and I wouldn't want to explain my background to a new therapist especially as there's more work to do on that still.

I've had a repetitive strain injury though recently (with extremely severe pain - yes I'm seeing appropriate medical professionals to work towards fixing it). I'm worried this may become something chronic as it hasn't been getting better but instead getting worse for almost a month.

I'm pretty sure dealing with pain/chronic pain isn't something my therapist has experience in. I already had chronic pain, but this is now much worse and having worse mental health effects on me.

Is there anything I can do to help him help me learn to manage this?

For example, I know goals like "I need to learn to stop over extending myself" would make sense. Are there similar goals I could bring forth to help him help me?