u/Throwawayforthelazy1

well, I had sugar today. it’s a national holiday and my lovely father made a French desert (yes on an american holiday) I couldn’t say no, don’t worry I’ll be back on the bandwagon now.

To preface I’ve been sugar free for like a month and some change… heck maybe even 2 months. I was very hesitant about sugar free because one I love dopamine. and two as an autistic person I really felt fake sugar tasted weird + had a strange aftertaste I couldn’t get over.

Well today I ate sugar after awhile. And welp, it has a strange aftertaste too! One I never noticed before. I couldn’t finish the dessert, it tasted too gross around the fourth bite. Something I would only have with fake sugars before.

ill stick with my pure monkfruit extract… I prefer those desserts now. How my tastebuds have changed.

i didnt know what to tag this sorry!

man I KNOW this is true, like youre the only one who can take care of yourself. but Im tired all the time. Im lazy. I don’t want to do anything, theres not a molecule of motivation in my body for most things. “you just have to change your mindset.“ THATS TOO MUCH WORK. I run every day like I have 4 hours of sleep. it doesn’t matter if I get none, 4, 10, 15 I still feel tired and unmotivated. Everytime I force myself to do something im just rewarded with more stuff I need to take “care of.” I hate feeding myself. I hate going to Dr appointments. my doing better is just a chore. i guess it’s the nature of this disorder to feel good for a week and bam, back to wanting to die.

how’d I get here?? a fucking rant from some girl in a yt video I was watching. it was directed at some obese woman who said she was struggling on her diet because of stress. honestly hearing that rant that I’ve heard thousands of time just made me angry as fuck. I thought “this bitch should just let me fucking die already.” I get the same thing from friends and family, being human is just meant to be doing petty little tasks until you finally die. BUT ITS WRONG TO GIVE UP EARLY?? I hate this man. I wish I ended it so I didn’t have to do stuff today and it’s like that every day even some of the good days. I want to find a forest and just lay there until I die of thirst or get murked by a pack of wolves. honestly I won’t even kill myself. I’ll let nature take its course bro, like it’s meant to be. a lazy fuck like me wouldnt survive in the wild, my genes need to be stopped from propagating. ugh I live for warrior cats only. i do stuff just for more warrior cats. for my 6 molecules of dopamine every day. genuinely hope I have diabetes so I can fucking die. and it’ll be my fault, and no one can say “oh how tragic and unexpected.” I am a piece of shit, I deserve my death.

Im gonna puzzle. I am just gonna puzzle and draw some warrior cats. I am not gonna wallow in self pity anymore. because I am tired of it. thanks for reading my bullshit :D

Hi, I am not diagnosed with prediabetes. I am suspecting it and have an appointment to check my A1C scheduled soon for confirmation. I have been having high fasting blood sugars 100-145 range when I wake up. But I seem to have okay insulin sensitivity during the day.

Yesterday I ate pasta for dinner (I only ate a quarter of the pasta though since I added to much butter and it was gross) and had strawberry with keto Nutella for dessert (I no longer eat added sugars). I woke up with a blood sugar of 108. the highest carb meal today I consumed had 40g of carbs (very low protein + fiber added). 2 hours later I had a blood sugar of 105, which is lower than my fasting??

Im so confused on why day time eating seems to have little to no bad effects but every day I wake up with weird numbers! some nights I don’t even eat carbs for dinner and still get somewhat high readings the next day. Has anyone experienced this? how do I prevent this. so confused. I only just started tracking the amount of carbs I eat + taking non fasting blood sugars to show my Dr at the upcoming appointment. thank you for any advice

Well. I took a break from school unlike I usually do. been doing somewhat better. deleted social media so I don’t spend every waking hour consuming news and pure concentrated suffering. here’s why I think I’m doing better

- Experiencing diabetes or prediabetes symptoms (getting my A1C checked soon!) and despite it don’t have any SI about it. usually when I experience any health issues I just think “well only one solution”

- I have started doing actual stuff (cooking) previously near impossible task

- I watched what couldve been a super triggering thing, and I was disturbed not triggered. I decided to turn it off because I was uncomfortable instead of spiraling which is what I usually do. I actually felt happy that I no longer related that much to that kind of content.

- Overall been reflecting on my past life and habits and feeling somewhat disconnected from that version of me

ofc I am not free of the depression, I still spend 80% of the day in bed, still neglecting hygiene mostly, and still having mental breakdowns that have some SI attached and general hopelessness during those times. I hope this general upwards trend continues. only thing I’ve done differently is stop eating sugar for like a month (will continue obviously), took a break from responsibilities, increased my autonomy (drivers permit + cooking), got diagnosed with ADHD + started meds. I really hope this keeps up even if it doesn’t get better.

i married a health nut who showed me how much sugar sucked and asked me to check my blood sugar and I found out I had high waking blood sugar. eating sugar was driving my chronic condition (JIA) as well. I slowly weaned off sugar. and have been sugar free for a month. as you can see from my post history I already don’t really like living and am mentally ill. Im on medication as well. I keep trying to find something tolerable fake sugar wise to eat because I’m miserable but nothing is good. I have autism so I’m already sensitive to flavors so good for me. also sugar alchols and allulose make my tummy hurt. I am so miserable without sugar I genuinely don’t feel like I have anything to live for. everythings bad and I don’t have sugar to comfort me. I mean I have like things that are good but they aren’t worth living for. is it normal to be scream sobbing for hours when a new sugar thing doesn’t work. is it normal to be considering suicide more and more? I am medicated. I’ve done therapy for 15 years. I just don’t see a point. I was happier with sugar. I mean I was also miserable I just am miserable. but now I really don’t think I can get through this. I want to be ignorant again so I couldve just gotten a diabetes diagnosis later and maybe had a few more happy years. I am so miserable, i cant live like this. do I just go back. my hisband says everything is better on the other side but he’s never been mentally ill in his life.

hi. i need help managing a divorce. we are ending it because my autism is too disabling for me to care for myself or have children which is what he wanted out of marriage. I do have a place with my parents most likely because I can’t live independently. how can I protect myself and keep everything I brought into the marriage (my cats especially)? Ive spent the last year and some months trying to improve myself and do what I wasnt able to before and I just had skill regression and worsened mental health. so it’s not like I didn’t try. how do i deal with this pain also? I assume I just have to cry everyday for a few months until I stop crying. idk. I really just want to keep my cats! and my special interest items (books, figurines, etc). He said he’s 90% ready to leave, hed only stay if I got better but he says he’s no longer willing to keep pushing me to get better cuz its making me worse (direct quote). Which basically means this is over in my mind, not that I want it to be.

any advice appreciated. I will be rereading warrior cats probably. cuz thats all I got rn lol