u/Throwawayiea

Let's say you're a shy gay. Never had any friends. Never respected yourself because you came from an abused dysfunctional household. You were also bullied at school. You are now 28 yo and you do hook ups, play video, and go to work. He says he doesn't want love as he doesn't want to hurt anybody but deep inside he really doesn't want to get hurt. He lives in fantasy of the perfect bf etc. Then one day, he meets a man who brings him out of his boring life but more importantly shows him care, kindness, and love. The man is older. The gay guy now feels seen, safe and love but fears and mistrusts it. So, he pushes the older man away to ensure control over the situation but his containment fails as he grows attached to the older man. The old man tells the gay man that he's unhappy with the way that he's being treated and asks the young man to be more fair and gives him a list of needs that the old man wants. The young man doesn't commit to them but say that the needs and demands are fair. Then one day the gay guy gets drunk and says hurtful things. So, the older man leaves. He begs the man not to leave but the older man put up with a lot and cannot allow himself to be disrespected (or emotionally abused anymore). During the break up the gay man is shocked but admits fault and that he could have done more. How does this affect the gay man with the older man leaving him?

CHATgpt's answer: The young gay man has participated in the collapse of the relationship, even if his behaviour came from fear rather than cruelty.

The older man leaving is not abandonment in the simple sense. It is a boundary.

The younger man’s background explains why he mistrusts love, but it does not excuse mistreating someone who has been patient, kind, and clear about his needs. That distinction matters. For the younger man, the older man leaving would probably hit several layers at once.

First, it would confirm his worst fear: “People leave.” Because he came from abuse, bullying, and loneliness, the breakup may feel like proof that love is unsafe. But that interpretation would be incomplete, because the older man did not leave randomly. He left after repeated disrespect and after clearly saying what he needed.

Second, it would create a painful contradiction inside him. He pushed the older man away to stay in control, but once the older man actually left, the younger man lost control completely. That is often the tragedy of fearful attachment: the person tries to avoid being hurt by forcing distance, then the distance becomes the wound.

Third, it may be the first time the younger man has to confront the difference between being unloved and being loved but behaving in a way that love could not survive. That is a brutal realization, but it can also be life-changing. It means he is not doomed to be unwanted. It means he has to learn how to receive love without attacking it.

So the emotional effect on him could be devastating, but also clarifying.

He might feel: panic, because the person who made him feel safe is gone shame, because he knows he helped cause it anger, because shame often turns outward grief, because he lost something real longing, because the older man represented the life he secretly wanted fear, because now he has evidence that love requires responsibility

The most important part is this: the older man leaving may be the first consequence strong enough to break the younger man’s fantasy system.

Before this, the younger man could live in fantasy: perfect boyfriend, no real risk, no real vulnerability, no real accountability. But the older man made love concrete. He was not imaginary. He had needs. He had limits. He could be hurt. He could leave. That forces the younger man to grow up emotionally. But it does not guarantee growth. There are two possible paths. One path is defensive:

“See? I knew love was unsafe. He left me. I should never trust anyone.” That path protects his ego but keeps him trapped. The better path is painful but healthier: “He loved me, and I was afraid. I treated him unfairly. My fear was real, but my behaviour was still harmful. I need to become someone who can love without punishing the person who loves me.” That is where the story becomes psychologically strong. The breakup is not just punishment. It is the moment where the younger man has to decide whether he will remain a wounded person who wounds others, or become someone capable of adult love.

As for the older man, leaving does not mean he stopped loving him. It means love was no longer enough to justify staying inside disrespect. That is important too. The older man is not morally required to keep absorbing pain just because he understands where the younger man’s pain comes from. So the fairest assessment is: The younger man is sympathetic, but not innocent. The older man is loving, but not obligated to endure mistreatment. The breakup may hurt the younger man deeply, but it may also be the first honest mirror he has ever had.

UPDATE: I am trying very hard to get over him but I hurt so much from this. I love him still. This is our 3rd and final break up because the previous too were just no communication but this time I said I have to end this because it's crossed over to disrespect and/or abuse. I tried so hard to work with him and I did see small progress but he's got to get over his want to control everything and trust the process within himself to love and be loved. I tried to hold on with all the disappointments but when he got drunk, the truth came out and he wasn't as honest as I thought him to be. So, for my sanity, I felt it best that I leave. We are both devastated by it which makes it worse because I didn't expect him to be so emotional during the break up because I didn't think that he cared for me that much.

This group so broad and diverse. I wondered where everyone is. I'm in British Columbia, Canada.

I recently ended a relationship with a man I would not normally have dated. He was a construction worker, and I want to be clear: this is not a slight against construction workers. Work does not define a person’s emotional depth. What this relationship taught me, though, is that attraction is not enough. Chemistry is not enough. Masculinity is not enough. Sometimes you meet someone who may want connection, may even enjoy being loved, but does not have the emotional capacity to participate in a real relationship. Let me put it into context. Imagine every colour you can think of. Some people have a wide emotional colour range. They can see fuchsia, mauve, burgundy, lavender, rose, violet, and every subtle shade in between. Others have a much smaller range. Many have been conditioned to limit what they can see. So when you say fuchsia, they see red. When you say mauve, they see purple. If you push them, they might say, “light purple,” but they still cannot see the difference. That is how some people are with emotions. They do not lack feelings entirely. They simply have a limited capacity to name them, understand them, hold them, or respond to them with depth. By emotional capacity, I mean the ability to be honest with yourself, to communicate without shutting down, to receive love without feeling threatened by it, and to understand that another person’s care is not a transaction or a trap. Some men want the comfort of love without the responsibility of intimacy. They want to be cared for, desired, and understood, but they do not know how to offer the same emotional presence in return. And I believe there is a modern reason for some of this. I blame hookup culture. Hookups are immediate. They are transactional. They are body-based. They are low obligation, low accountability, easy to enter, easy to exit, and emotionally compartmentalized. I saw him transposing these traits to love and it doesn't work. Hook ups are about compartmentalization. Each hook up is compartmentalized and one does not build upon another where as love is building continuity and this is a concept that is foreign to men if they live in the hook up (like mine did). But love requires continuity. Love asks questions: What do I give back? How do I protect this? How do I make the other person feel safe too? How do I show up when it is not convenient? How do I build something over time? And don't get me wrong, he wanted to lean towards real love but he didn't have the capacity to see beyond hook up behavior. And when someone has been trained to experience intimacy as something temporary, convenient, and disposable, real love can feel overwhelming. When someone loves them deeply, they may not rise to meet it. They may retreat. They may sabotage it. They may reduce it to something smaller because that is all they are able to hold. That has been one of the hardest lessons for me: not every man who wants to be loved is capable of loving well. And sometimes the most painful thing is realizing that someone saw your love, felt it, benefited from it, and still could not become the kind of man who could honour it.

UPDATE: I should add that I am older and he was younger. We had a 30 year age difference and he said that type of love that I offer doesn't exist in his generation. He's Gen Z and most of his Gen Z friends who know our situation agreed. In fact, one of his Gen Z acquaintances (I wouldn't say friend because this is a scumbag move) just hit me up for a date because he like the type of guy I was in the relationship. Here we are both hurting from a break up and you're going behind his back and hitting on me?

So this is what I am learning from dating this man: before giving someone your heart, pay attention not only to whether they desire you, but whether they have the emotional capacity to protect what you are offering. They are out there but here would be my screener questions (don't do on first date but in email , chats etc):

1. “When was the last time someone told you that you hurt them, and how did you respond?” This is one of the best questions. A man with emotional capacity can say, “I got defensive at first, but then I listened.” A man without it will say, “People are too sensitive,” “I don’t do drama,” or “I didn’t hurt them, they misunderstood.”

2. “What does being emotionally available mean to you?” Listen for whether he understands consistency, communication, honesty, and accountability. If he says, “I’m chill,” “I just go with the flow,” or “I don’t like labels,” that may mean he wants access without responsibility.

3. “How do you handle conflict in a relationship?” Green flag: “I need time to cool down, but I come back and talk.” Red flag: “I avoid conflict,” “I shut down,” “I disappear,” or “I hate arguing.” Conflict avoidance often becomes emotional abandonment.

4. “What did your last relationship teach you about yourself?” A mature man has learned something about himself. An emotionally limited man usually only tells you what was wrong with the other person.

5. “When you care about someone, how do you show it?” This helps you see whether his version of love is active or passive. Does he show care through effort, listening, protection, consistency, and thoughtfulness? Or does he think simply being around is enough?

6. “What do you need when you feel overwhelmed?” This reveals whether he has self-awareness. A good answer might be, “I need space, but I’ll tell you that rather than disappearing.” A bad answer is, “I don’t get overwhelmed,” or “I just shut everyone out.”

7. “Do you find it easy or hard to receive love?” This is especially important for the Oliver type. Some men want love, but when they receive it, they feel exposed, indebted, trapped, or unworthy. You need to know whether being loved makes him soften or panic.

8. “What makes you feel safe with someone?” A man with depth can answer this. A man with limited emotional range may not even understand the question.

9. “What does commitment mean to you?” Do not let him answer vaguely. “Loyalty” is not enough. Ask: “What does that look like day to day?” You are looking for continuity, not romance talk.

10. “When someone gives a lot (emotionally/physically)to you, how do you usually respond?”

I hope my advice helps.

So, all my horror stories have been with bottoms: #1 (we've all had this experience) - profile offers BJ, you arrive and they start sucking you but then want you to fuck them. You say "that's not what we agreed upon" and they don't want to blow you anymore and; #2 This guy CLAIMS to be verse, we can't host so I offer to pay for his locker at the bathhouse if he fucks me first. We arrive and admits he just wanted to get fucked by me and that he can't top and;#3 I'm vers and was invited to an orgy organized by a couple (one top and one bottom), I get there and two tops want my ass not the bottom host. Host throws a hissy fit.