u/TickThick

I'm sure this will get heavily critiqued but I hope its taken in good faith. I'm debating my therapist about this topic, so my goal here is not to drag anyone down, but to figure out a path forwards for myself. I've noticed something interesting on apps / when I go out to various venues (some circuit, some not). I articulated these "trends" to my therapist for insight (and I have worked with both a black and white gay therapist and one married to a POC FWIW).

For context: I'm >6'0, muscled/fit, told I'm handsome looking and have a solid career etc so am not struggling by any means. I am mixed race (not african, other mixes, but you can assume brown skin to keep things simple). I also want to highlight that I don't mean to segregate people just my colour or physical attributes only, but am doing so to explain trends I am seeing only.

On GR - if I leave my profile blank and just put my height + weight + muscled, and nothing else, almost every white guy I reach out with just 'hi/hey' to will respond (even with a pic) and once they see my pic it will either be crickets, or silent disengagement. This is for literally anyone except a) a much older guy who likely has 'been around' b) someone unfit (and even then its still pulling teeth). The only times a fit guy (not muscled, i just mean someone who runs or so) will continue talking to me is a) if they want to btm (only) b) are heavily drugged up in some way c) are taken in some way. I have tested this across various locations in Manhattan and BK. I've also been invited to a 'hot guys group' and get accepted to MMX and the like (so clearly physically tick the boxes) yet never met anyone through those.

Now for POCs: till date, a black guy has never replied or approached me on the apps, pics present or otherwise. Latino guys are hit and miss - usually he ones visiting reply, or are escorts (and sometimes we will still hookup for fun lol) or taken (which I dont engage with, regardless of race). In the rare case I find another middle eastern man - he is btm only, visiting, or something else is 'wrong' (but as I said, its rare to find on apps). This makes the "date your own race" argument pretty difficult when <5% of profiles engaging are POCs.

On dating apps like Hinge - I only get matches with people who are unemployed, unfit (which btw isn't a filter criteria for me, if I like their face that holds more weight), much older, partnered (yes, partnered). And their opening message is "are you real" or similar (probably because I don't have social media) and it goes nowhere. This is across all races, but I will say its more like 20% likes sent are other POC's and the rest are white.

East Asian guys will only approach me to btm (and usually are <5'5) and similarly South Asian guys are typically much shorter (and I don't go for <5'5 ish of any race as it feels weird period) and/or just not in shape and the 1-2 I found who were good looking ignore me. I've never had any request beyond btm'ing from these groups either.

When I went to Miami, and a few other places (like Mexico) I had the complete opposite experience - with the same profile/stats/pics. Extremely hot / muscled dudes (all races - except black still for some reason - even mixed Black ignore me) would approach me, even on the street. Several said they wanted to date me and would fly to NY to see me. Several intro-d me to their friends / groups and actively asked if I was single, looking to date etc. This really confused me because some of these guys felt way beyond my league, and then when I genuinly expressed this (even in therapy / to friends and showed their pics), they looked at me like 'what is wrong with you' - but I come from cities where I've constantly been devalued, so don't have this massive ego thinking I'm a 10/10, so I'm not surprised.

I totally understand people have their "preferences" and all but I am honestly baffled how my options and treatment is drastically dropped here because of simply who I am. And this is not a white bashing - I've been to POC specific parties - and my treatment there is even more isolating. As I am mixed no one fully includes me - I'm never 'fully' in anyones culture - so its even more isolating. I remember one guy blanketly saying I don't belong there to a friend (loud enough so I heard) - treatment I never faced in a "white centric" party for example.

Is this just how its going to be in NY?

Note: for purely platonic friendships, I am not picky at all, but have often found the friendships I am forming are with guys who are partnered, older (which is fine) and not sharing fitness as an interest (which is also fine) and often white (European though, not American). These last too and I value them. However, the path of friend -> partner is "cut off" here because there is literally 0 chance of anything building (which is fine, thats not the goal of the friendship, just oversharing.

Disclaimer: I stay anon on Reddit so please do not DM me for pics / my social media etc.

I've been out since 23 years old, am 36 now, 0 (first) dates, 0 dating experience/intimacy/relationships, 1 partial friendship (from a hookup) which ended around 29 (seems consistent with my chart but that was a friendship not love), otherwise hookups only (99% one off, max is 1 repeat and that too after months if that).

I've relocated, done therapy, hired dating coaches (who are confused why I am struggling), tried to connect in other ways and nothing sticks beyond 1 meeting. An astrologer said my chart has a venus or something which means a very high probability of a partner, but it will happen 2027-2028, and will cement into a marriage in 2030-2031.

I'm honestly not believing it anymore. If someone can't even land a first date ever, nothing goes beyond a single hookup, to suddenly land a partner seems like a stretch. Unless my chart shows 0 people entering my life before 2027, which also seems wrong since my Jupiter-Venus placement has passed and I had 0 people interested in me, something seems off here.

I'm now wondering if I am in the wrong location (NY) or something causing this, because my experience seems to be very extreme, relative to others in the gay community (most at least have a repeat hookup). Or it is simply racism and I need to get out of NY?

I am tall (>6'0), handsome looking, muscular etc, solid career/wealth etc so this shouldn't be this hard. Even if not a life partner/marriage, SOMETHING should have happened by now. Am I wrong?

FWIW - I am just trying to align my own energy. I have seen enough charts to know for some I doesn't happen and thats okay. I am just trying to understand my own path here beyond becoming 'existential' that 1 thing isn't happening for me. When you just don't know, you are all over the place, and I want to break out of that.

https://preview.redd.it/f38ca03d352h1.jpg?width=988&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=0ba6fdf97d313caa14a1262b033c331b2ed81589

This what the astrologer wrote specifically:

What we see in the chart is a delayed manifestation (ātmā karaka Mercury in 8^(th) house, no less in Revatī nakṣatra — the heavy 6th house not making for smooth path into relationship –– ). Likely your partner will be different from where you might think to look, dara karaka Venus in 7^(th) house (so yes, something is bound to happen) but in Dhaniṣṭha, not going to happen in a straightforward way. Unconventional most likely, yes even just being gay fits into this in traditional Vedic thought, but still. 

I think whoever it is with, it will take time for them to be able to see certain aspects of you, so a date or two is no grounds for that. You’re a spectrum of energies rolled into one with that Saturn-Mars-Rāhu  cluster which affects your Moon’s emotional / psychic field and experience. So people can alternately experience the guardedness of Śani, along with the intensity and quickness of Maṅgala, and the unpredictable unusual qualities of Rāhu. To me, this is fascinating and a huge plus– but others will not experience the complexity that way. Also Saturn bonds slowly which can affect both platonic and romantic relations. 

I’m still banking on 2027-2028 as a ripe time (Jupiter-Mars, Jupiter-Rāhu ). 

This topic came up in therapy and I seem to have a different experience to what my therapist describes.

According to him (he is gay btw), gay men gravitate to those who are 'similar' (hence you have 'fit bodied' men together, intellectuals together and so on). He said that its normal to get pulled into 'groups' when out in the open (esp at circuit parties or the like) if you 'fit the mould'. He is therefore convinced that there is something about me that is causing my experience.

I've noticed a few things from my own personal experience. I have a few acquaintances 'in the scene' and we overlap on where we are originally from and some other superficial things similar (fav TV shows etc). He will meet up with me 1:1, even reach out proactively, but I'm never 'integrated' into his friend circle (his husband also works in the same company as me - its huge so we never overlap, in different offices too). Its happened twice that I've been at circuit party, they have been there, and avoids eye contact/acknowledging me, but later will be like 'I think I saw you' or similar (I'm tall and a POC so its much harder to miss me lol). This happens with other platonic friendships too - they like my 1:1 time, but I'm never included into anything. As a result, my friendship groups don't expand, and I literally go everywhere alone at this point.

I've had much older guys at these places (who are popular gays on IG apparently - I don't use IG anymore) approach me, but again, not to include me into anything, just to book time to bang 1:1 with me (one guy texted me on his bday, which was kinda sad... he has a husband too). No one within a 10 year range either way approaches me most of the time. I did have 1 exception (white guy) who did offer me to hang with his friends but then the plan got cancelled, and then he left NY anyway so that ended.

When I went to Mexico, I had the opposite experience with Mexican/Canadian dudes (one who was similar to my race). Immediately asked me back to the sauna to bang (lol), we hung out at the bar and he intro-d me to his friends, and said he wanted to date me. The mexican guy offered me to hang with him and his cousin at the beach the next day. Both were unprompted on my side - both were very fit and educated too (and hot lol). This was a first time experience for me as I've only lived in 'western' cities. None of the American dudes I hooked up with acknowledged me - infact one guy literally ignored me when we bumped into eachother again (at a sauna and then the airport) which was strange (because when banging he was like 'this is hot/we have good chemistry' etc).

Just to be clear, I'm not trying to break into a "fit group". I'm trying to understand this 1:1 isolated experience and the difference of opinion between what my therapist thinks vs what I actually experience. For those with groups, are there reasons why you would want to only be friends 1:1 and not include someone?

Always wanted to go to Madrid pride so am leaning to going in July + WE party (?) or hit up the bathouses/saunas/GR?

Also debating if BCN would be better.

Wondering though if that would be the best option for me this summer or something else as it seems like there is a lot going on and I'm kinda overwhelmed with the research.

FWIW, I'm a POC (brown skin - pass off as middle eastern usually if what people say or brazilian in circuit lighting), am muscular / tall, single, so want to mingle and have a fun time without any racial drama. I would be travelling alone too so no friend group so don't want to go to places where it would be weird to be by myself.

I've not had a holiday for a while so want to treat myself and get some nice D that the US is lacking lol.

I've been living in HK almost 4 years and it is time to renew my lease or move. My therapist said I should consider other areas around the L train, and that I would likely like Wburg or similar. Here is where I am struggling and seeking advice.

I got very lucky with my current apartment and to get something similar would mean $1k+ ish more in rent a month. Yes, I can still afford it, but the question is do I want to.

People keep claiming HK is full of 'white muscle gays' yet in the 4 years I've been here I've barely seen any. I see a very mixed crowd in general when I walk about/shop etc, I've been to the bars and its mostly normal people too, so I'm either living in a matrix of an alternative reality or people are heavily projecting.

I work near Chelsea/West Village (and gym there too) so want to avoid also living there as it wouldn't be too much seperation.

I've been pointed to Brooklyn several times, but my general experience with BK guys is not much better than the ones in Manhattan (I have been to the parties and all and they are jus as flakey etc). I have used apps to see whats about in those locations, and even been to Animal bar etc, and not had a better experience. I was genuinely surprised as many times I was told people in BK are 'nicer' and 'easier to make friends with' but this has not been true in my case.

Mid 30s here, professional, 'jacked' (since that seems to matter here), want to give NY one last shot at making friends / find a relationship or at least more than bad/meh hookups so any advice is genuinely welcome. My 2 cents is that if people keep seeing me things will form more organically, so am trying to position myself in that way, so I can finally have the social life/inclusion I've been craving for years.

I turned 36 this year and feel a deep sense of grief. I've never dated someone (and therefore have never been in a relationship), never even had a FWB/FB situation or been pulled into a friendship group either. As I get older the hope this will work out seems to go dimmer and dimmer and I'm honestly feeling terrible right now.

My issue isn't so much I will never marry. But that I will remain unseen. In a community I fought for and changed my life to be included in, not mirroring me back ever. To be clear, I'm also not saying a relationship will magically make me seen (we all know relationships where this is not true) but this doesn't change the desire to be seen.

I've literally done everything 'that I can control' e.g. gym, going out to various places, travel, even moved to a new city (NY), nothing has helped me form a deep connection that I have sought ever since I came out at 24. Periods of not trying at all, to periods of trying very hard to find real friends / connect with someone, nothing ever cemented. I'm either fetishized or passed over because I likely don't fit the 'euro centric' standards so nothing even begins to form (beyond a hookup, if it even gets there).

My therapist said I have an outlier experience, but also recently said that 'good/stable people are often unpaired because dating favours avoidant culture' (which I'm not sure is true, a European gay friend of mine is married and stable) and this saddens me further, given I know its not likely to get better in the coming years.

I found a line of work I love, hobbies I enjoy and keep up with, therapy regularly etc but somehow have ended up completely and chronically isolated/single with no real connection to look back on and awe over (even if it didn't last). That is a huge loss to digest.

I am genuinely unsure where to go from here.