The effects of heartbreak/long story
I was doing amazing, the best I’d ever done in my life. Happy, full of vigor, studious, and always pushing myself to grow, 6 months clean from the 🌽. People would comment at work, how peaceful and calming I was to be around. People would also say I was such a helpful and kind person, a coworker even wrote me a note telling me how beautiful my soul was. During this time, I met a girl.. and unlike many times in my life, I wasn’t chasing her, but fostering something that I thought was real. She was my older friend’s little sister, my age, beautiful, smart, not too funny but I didn’t care, she challenged me intellectually and I felt a draw to that, she did too. Fast forward we’re together, but not with a label, I loved a lot of moments with her, looking back it wasn’t perfect and we both had issues, but that’s not what this is about. She gave me the best day of my life, on 4th of July, we held hands in a park with her friends, watching the fireworks, we walked and talked, smiled and laughed, I can honestly say it was the absolute happiest evening of my life. Soon after this we are calling one night, she’s away somewhere, I decide to open up to her about my rough childhood, and even rougher teenage years, I began to cry but tears of happiness, with a knot in my throat and tears streaming, I told her how grateful I was, how happy I was that I pushed past all the stuff that weighed me down as a child, how happy she made me, how I didn’t know my life could be so full of love and fulfillment and how I found a person after finding myself. Again, a week after this, she began growing distant, pulling away, we weren’t able to hangout much due to reasons anyway, and finally we have the talk, she tells me how she feels that I’m codependent and too clingy, and that she had lost any and all feelings she had for me. It was over, I was absolutely devastated, I have never felt such pain before… I lost the direction in my life, I stopped working out, I started watching 🌽 again, I became angry and bitter, I lost my older friend because of it. I was alone and sad, and had rebounded with an ex that I didn’t treat right, who eventually left me for someone else too. I wonder what I would’ve been like if I had survived the breakup, if I hadn’t fallen apart, would I still have that calming presence? Would I still be crying tears of joy and pure happiness every night? Would I be achieving my goals? I’ve grown into a new normal, and found peace in my days, but I can’t help but feel as if I lost something in that depression I sunk into after the breakup. I still strive to be a kind and loving person, to calm restless hearts and minds, to be a friend to whoever’s in need… a message to those who may have experienced something similar, a change or loss in personality or motivation after a breakup, just don’t give up… cry and cry and be depressed, but don’t give up thay desire to climb back up the mountain of despair, and reach an even greater peak of a new version of yourself, and don’t dwell on the past, focus on the future, everything happens for a reason I hope.